When spouse does not support "recovery"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
When spouse does not support "recovery"
Hi all. Wishing you the best on this Monday evening.
I'm throwing this out there because I need to vent. My spouse does not believe that I have a drinking problem. I really don't understand this, because clearly I do, and have for quite some time. This evening, I was invited to dinner. I said "no" and went on to explain that I just don't want to be in an environment where wine is available. Spouse asks, "what's wrong with wine?". Ugh!!! I went on to explain that drinking is no longer working for me, and that I need it out of my life. Said spouse is irritated. I can see that this is going to be challenging. I'm glad that I've found this place, because I will not get support at home. I am my spouses drinking partner, only he does not seem to have the problems with it that I do. This is going to be tough. I am hoping that he does not bring home a bottle of wine tonight. Today is my day five, and regardless of what he does, I must muster up the courage to see my day 6.
Thanks for listening.
I'm throwing this out there because I need to vent. My spouse does not believe that I have a drinking problem. I really don't understand this, because clearly I do, and have for quite some time. This evening, I was invited to dinner. I said "no" and went on to explain that I just don't want to be in an environment where wine is available. Spouse asks, "what's wrong with wine?". Ugh!!! I went on to explain that drinking is no longer working for me, and that I need it out of my life. Said spouse is irritated. I can see that this is going to be challenging. I'm glad that I've found this place, because I will not get support at home. I am my spouses drinking partner, only he does not seem to have the problems with it that I do. This is going to be tough. I am hoping that he does not bring home a bottle of wine tonight. Today is my day five, and regardless of what he does, I must muster up the courage to see my day 6.
Thanks for listening.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Hi, 'On
Some folks can find ALL the help they need on these forums and within themselves, but I KNOW you can find solutions at AA and Al-Anon. Have you looked into these programs in your area?
Some folks can find ALL the help they need on these forums and within themselves, but I KNOW you can find solutions at AA and Al-Anon. Have you looked into these programs in your area?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi,
It's very hard for others to understand alcoholism.
You are doing the right thing by staying true to what you believe. I hope you keep the focus on yourself and your recovery. Allow your husband to follow his path and you keep strong on your recovery journey.
It's very hard for others to understand alcoholism.
You are doing the right thing by staying true to what you believe. I hope you keep the focus on yourself and your recovery. Allow your husband to follow his path and you keep strong on your recovery journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Originally Posted by Coldfusion 
Hi, 'On
Some folks can find ALL the help they need on these forums and within themselves, but I KNOW you can find solutions at AA and Al-Anon. Have you looked into these programs in your area?
Some folks can find ALL the help they need on these forums and within themselves, but I KNOW you can find solutions at AA and Al-Anon. Have you looked into these programs in your area?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi Mvngon. I agree - it's just about impossible for a social drinker ('normie') to get what we go through. My family thought 'just say no' was an actual solution. If only it were that simple.
Congratulations on Day 5. You'll never regret making this decision. When I saw the warning signs long ago, I refused to acknowledge them. The result was a nightmare. This won't be you! Glad you are here and talking to us about your situation.
Congratulations on Day 5. You'll never regret making this decision. When I saw the warning signs long ago, I refused to acknowledge them. The result was a nightmare. This won't be you! Glad you are here and talking to us about your situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NZ
Posts: 238
hi, i got told the other day that cancelling liquor completely out of my life was un acbhievable i should aim lower. that was from my partner. pahhhh, what are you supposssed to do with that? maybe you can sit him down, show him this site, leave him to scroll through for a few hours and then explain? mine has left, its not so haed, just me to control now. best of luck x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Bedfordshire, UK
Posts: 88
My partner is supportive, and worried about my drinking beforehand, but now I've stopped I don't think she really 'gets it'. We used to do so much drinking together, I think she misses the old me. I think she thought my answer was going to be moderation (hey, I thought that too, until I actually quit!)
I avoided all pubs in the first few weeks wherever I could. I now (Day 37) find I don't even like going to pubs any more. Its been the cause of one relapse already and I don't want it to be another one.
I support your avoidance of all establishments, wishing you strength in your recovery.
I avoided all pubs in the first few weeks wherever I could. I now (Day 37) find I don't even like going to pubs any more. Its been the cause of one relapse already and I don't want it to be another one.
I support your avoidance of all establishments, wishing you strength in your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Originally Posted by DIYman
My partner is supportive, and worried about my drinking beforehand, but now I've stopped I don't think she really 'gets it'. We used to do so much drinking together, I think she misses the old me. I think she thought my answer was going to be moderation (hey, I thought that too, until I actually quit!)
I avoided all pubs in the first few weeks wherever I could. I now (Day 37) find I don't even like going to pubs any more. Its been the cause of one relapse already and I don't want it to be another one.
I support your avoidance of all establishments, wishing you strength in your recovery.
I avoided all pubs in the first few weeks wherever I could. I now (Day 37) find I don't even like going to pubs any more. Its been the cause of one relapse already and I don't want it to be another one.
I support your avoidance of all establishments, wishing you strength in your recovery.
I can completely relate to what you are saying. I believe that my spouse believes that moderation will work for me too, but that has failed miserably over this past year. It truly scares me, because I can see where almost all of our interactions over the past many, many years have revolved around drinking and dining. I am wondering how we will relate if not for that, and he probably is as well. I can only hope that one day I will be able to sit at a nice meal with him while he has his wine and I have my water, but that day certainly is not today.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 82
Tonight - day 2 - I got asked by my spouse if this meant I was never going to drink again, followed up by asking if it would be ok if she still had a drink from time to time and had alcohol in the house. She supported me heavily during my home detox but I don't think she gets it either. I told her I would start out with one, then it would be two, then more. Sure it might take time, but I'd be right back where I was last week. She nodded her head, but I'm not sure she still gets it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Originally Posted by markinsf
Tonight - day 2 - I got asked by my spouse if this meant I was never going to drink again, followed up by asking if it would be ok if she still had a drink from time to time and had alcohol in the house. She supported me heavily during my home detox but I don't think she gets it either. I told her I would start out with one, then it would be two, then more. Sure it might take time, but I'd be right back where I was last week. She nodded her head, but I'm not sure she still gets it.
Wow, this sounds familiar. Terribly familiar. This is exactly why I am so worried about my husband bringing home wine. I wish that I had some good advice for you, but I don't know what to do myself. How do we make them get it??? I wish you the best, and the support you need.
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
From my experience I can say when I first told the two people closest to me (my sister and my live-in boyfriend) neither of them wanted to believe me and quickly began making up excuse as to why I'm actually not an alcoholic. I just think that they love me so much and think so much of me that they didn't want to believe that I could be one of "those" people.
Alcoholism is a misunderstood disease. At one point I said to my boyfriend, basically like this, why can't you believe I have a problem. do I have to be passed out under a bridge or in some back alley to proove that I have a problem? Is it so hard to believe that just because I've been successful with the rest of life this is the one thing I can't control. There is no off switch, it just isn't there.
I was mad when at first they denied me. Its like I needed validation and the two people who knew me best, basically said nope, not you.
Well, 5 years later and the progression of the disease and I think they now believe me, they have seen me torture myself, and struggle and fall down and get up.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you, you know the truth, and you can change!! We all can.
Alcoholism is a misunderstood disease. At one point I said to my boyfriend, basically like this, why can't you believe I have a problem. do I have to be passed out under a bridge or in some back alley to proove that I have a problem? Is it so hard to believe that just because I've been successful with the rest of life this is the one thing I can't control. There is no off switch, it just isn't there.
I was mad when at first they denied me. Its like I needed validation and the two people who knew me best, basically said nope, not you.
Well, 5 years later and the progression of the disease and I think they now believe me, they have seen me torture myself, and struggle and fall down and get up.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you, you know the truth, and you can change!! We all can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by drunkyjules
From my experience I can say when I first told the two people closest to me (my sister and my live-in boyfriend) neither of them wanted to believe me and quickly began making up excuse as to why I'm actually not an alcoholic. I just think that they love me so much and think so much of me that they didn't want to believe that I could be one of "those" people.
Alcoholism is a misunderstood disease. At one point I said to my boyfriend, basically like this, why can't you believe I have a problem. do I have to be passed out under a bridge or in some back alley to proove that I have a problem? Is it so hard to believe that just because I've been successful with the rest of life this is the one thing I can't control. There is no off switch, it just isn't there.
I was mad when at first they denied me. Its like I needed validation and the two people who knew me best, basically said nope, not you.
Well, 5 years later and the progression of the disease and I think they now believe me, they have seen me torture myself, and struggle and fall down and get up.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you, you know the truth, and you can change!! We all can.
Alcoholism is a misunderstood disease. At one point I said to my boyfriend, basically like this, why can't you believe I have a problem. do I have to be passed out under a bridge or in some back alley to proove that I have a problem? Is it so hard to believe that just because I've been successful with the rest of life this is the one thing I can't control. There is no off switch, it just isn't there.
I was mad when at first they denied me. Its like I needed validation and the two people who knew me best, basically said nope, not you.
Well, 5 years later and the progression of the disease and I think they now believe me, they have seen me torture myself, and struggle and fall down and get up.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you, you know the truth, and you can change!! We all can.
x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 13
Mvngon,
I am 65 days sober now and my husband sounds very much like yours. I told him I was an alcoholic and he didn't believe me at all. I explained to him that I was going to AA meetings and he didn't think that was a good idea. He said it would be filled with people who would take advantage of me in my vulnerable state. He thought they would be bad influences, even though I tried to explain that they would be the BEST influences. I told him that I got a sponsor but I swear he ignored it for a few weeks. One time I was on the phone with her and he asked who it was. I told him it was my sponsor and he said "Your what?"
Ever since then, I have just gone to meetings, read the Big Book, etc. in plain view but without directly addressing it to him. Since then, he has started asking questions here and there. I think he just needs to gradually get used to the idea...so it will take a while. He is becoming more open and inquisitive about it because I think he is seeing some positive changes (I hope!)
I am 65 days sober now and my husband sounds very much like yours. I told him I was an alcoholic and he didn't believe me at all. I explained to him that I was going to AA meetings and he didn't think that was a good idea. He said it would be filled with people who would take advantage of me in my vulnerable state. He thought they would be bad influences, even though I tried to explain that they would be the BEST influences. I told him that I got a sponsor but I swear he ignored it for a few weeks. One time I was on the phone with her and he asked who it was. I told him it was my sponsor and he said "Your what?"
Ever since then, I have just gone to meetings, read the Big Book, etc. in plain view but without directly addressing it to him. Since then, he has started asking questions here and there. I think he just needs to gradually get used to the idea...so it will take a while. He is becoming more open and inquisitive about it because I think he is seeing some positive changes (I hope!)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whose life is it? If you had cancer and he decided you "didn't need" chemo, would you just go along with that for the sake of the relationship?
For crying out loud, alcoholism is just as deadly! People die of it every day. And maybe you aren't at death's door yet, but this is a progressive disease that gets worse, left untreated.
I would suggest that you ask him to read a couple of books about alcoholism, maybe starting with "Under the Influence." If he refuses, I guess that's his privilege, but ultimately YOU are the one whose job it is to understand your disease. And a key part of recovery is to make it the absolute priority in your life. If you don't treat your alcoholism because you are afraid of rocking the boat in this relationship, or in your social circle, your chances of recovery are pretty iffy. Not odds I would care to take.
For crying out loud, alcoholism is just as deadly! People die of it every day. And maybe you aren't at death's door yet, but this is a progressive disease that gets worse, left untreated.
I would suggest that you ask him to read a couple of books about alcoholism, maybe starting with "Under the Influence." If he refuses, I guess that's his privilege, but ultimately YOU are the one whose job it is to understand your disease. And a key part of recovery is to make it the absolute priority in your life. If you don't treat your alcoholism because you are afraid of rocking the boat in this relationship, or in your social circle, your chances of recovery are pretty iffy. Not odds I would care to take.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
When I was in the lock down psych ward after an intentional overdose, my husband came to see me. I don't remember much of that week, I was heavily medicated and out of it most of the time, but I do remember him saying something along the lines of "I hope you don't think this means I'm going to quit drinking too". I had almost died. Of the millions of combinations of words he could say, he chose those.
Funny thing is I would have said the same thing had the tables been turned. Alcohol was that important.
Putting alcohol front and center, before a partner, screams volumes about one's relationship with alcohol. Mvgon, your quitting means not only has he lost his drinking buddy, but by default the spotlight is also on his habits. Maybe that is the cause of his discomfort. If he can't support you by not drinking around you and by looking for other ways you two can connect without drinking being the activity...to me it sounds like his relationship with booze is pretty intimate.
Funny thing is I would have said the same thing had the tables been turned. Alcohol was that important.
Putting alcohol front and center, before a partner, screams volumes about one's relationship with alcohol. Mvgon, your quitting means not only has he lost his drinking buddy, but by default the spotlight is also on his habits. Maybe that is the cause of his discomfort. If he can't support you by not drinking around you and by looking for other ways you two can connect without drinking being the activity...to me it sounds like his relationship with booze is pretty intimate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 297
man, I feel bad for you. I am glad I'm single - I can't even imagine doing something to try and improve my life and having to worry about what some other person's opinion is. If you want my advice, give them a bottom line and be firm in your resolve. Don't candy-coat your feelings. If they don't like it, tough ****.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 26
Mvngon,
Im in a similar position, my fiance says to me, "just cut back" or "know your limits", some people think that that is a way to overcome something. I tried this approach and it didnt work for me. I found replacing alcohol a lot more effective, with things like healthy food, non-alcoholic beverages etc but the most effective thing i've found is exercise.
A doctor recommended exercise not only for physical well being but to also help me combat depression (which is amplified by drinking and drugs).
all the best mate
Im in a similar position, my fiance says to me, "just cut back" or "know your limits", some people think that that is a way to overcome something. I tried this approach and it didnt work for me. I found replacing alcohol a lot more effective, with things like healthy food, non-alcoholic beverages etc but the most effective thing i've found is exercise.
A doctor recommended exercise not only for physical well being but to also help me combat depression (which is amplified by drinking and drugs).
all the best mate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Thank you very much for the thoughtful replies. I appreciate the sharing of information. It feels good to know that I am not alone. Your stories are all inspiring and comforting. You make very fine points.
Things went okay last night, and today is my day 6. I am shocked at how ill I feel today. The nausea is overwhelming and the anxiety is insane. I am going to have to think long and hard about the role my husband will play in this. Today, he bought me a bottle of hard alcohol (which I don't even drink) because he thought it would be something that I might like. Really??? I am just flabbergasted. So yeah, maybe he does need me to be his drinking partner. I can't be that. I will die. Lots to think about here.
Things went okay last night, and today is my day 6. I am shocked at how ill I feel today. The nausea is overwhelming and the anxiety is insane. I am going to have to think long and hard about the role my husband will play in this. Today, he bought me a bottle of hard alcohol (which I don't even drink) because he thought it would be something that I might like. Really??? I am just flabbergasted. So yeah, maybe he does need me to be his drinking partner. I can't be that. I will die. Lots to think about here.
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