Ptcapote

Well today is day five after a three day bender last weekend.

Tonight was also the night of repercussions for my behavior while drinking last weekend. Luckily and unluckily, two of the people I was most belligerent towards know I am an alcoholic and understood what was happening but that still didn't make it any easier. If anything, it made it worse. One is so furious he can barely even look at me while the other is a therapist so a bit more patient but even he couldn't conceal the look of disappointment and exhaustion with my actions.

But dealing with myself? Horrid, horrid, horrid. If for no other reason than this, I will not relapse again. After six sober weeks of apologies for so many horrible things done and said over the past five years, having to face that AGAIN so soon is awful.

My first reaction, however? Ran right to the fridge without even thinking of it and grabbed a beer. Thank God my fridge has nothing but near beer in it now and it has become so gross to me that it wasn't tempting. But how deeply ingrained these reactions are! Stress? Beer! Anxiety? Wine! Didn't even flippin' think about it! That's the second time this weekend that has happened. Never really even noticed it before---how ingrained these things are to a drunk.

I'm sipping a Sprite and neurotically cleaning (and spending time here, obviously) to avoid returning to the fridge to look longingly at the NA Beer and wish it was something different.

Now I know why it is so important to get rid of the booze in your house before you quit---if there was anything else here, I would be posting this drunk right now instead of just humiliated. Getting rid of the near beer tomorrow. No need to even be reminded.

FreeFall

I used to run for a drink to "deal with" stress too-now that I don't have that option I realize I do have coping skills, they are just rusty. Each month I deal with stress a little easier-hang in there, I bet the same thing will happen to you. I also realize how much stress I brought on myself due to drinking between the guilt, money spent, worry over relationships,etc.

Good for you for getting rid of anything beer related-it should help.

Bigndfan175

Is there anything holding you back from dumping the NA beer down the drain?

Ptcapote

Yes---it gives me some perverse comfort knowing it is in there even if I don't want to drink it and, even if I did, wouldn't get drunk off of it. I feel like the biggest nutcase on the planet "checking" on my NA beer like it is a child that needs monitoring. I realize this is not helping a thing so I am planning on dumping it the next time I go into the kitchen and this time not replacing it with anything BUT Sprite.

As to my post question yesterday as to whether NA beer is safe? Obviously, at least for me, that answer is a firm and resounding "no."

Shoebox62

Have you given any thought to coming up with a plan to stop the drinking cycle? AA, Smart Recovery, therapy, etc.? I discovered that the hard part isn't quitting, it's staying quit, and without a long-term plan I couldn't make sobriety last. I'm just over 5 months now thanks to an intensive out-patient program (IOP) and counseling. Couldn't have done it without support. Just a thought. Good luck with your journey.

Soberjanedoe

I agree with Shoebox what are you doing for your sobriety? AA or Therapy?

I'm 4 days sober after another bender where I made an ARSE of myself. Tonight I even ran into a guy I hooked up with and I was to drunk to even remember what he looked like. I've tried to do it by myself but I couldn't. I'm asking for a referral for a pyschologist from my doctor on friday.