peridotbleu

Hello, I am new here and I have learned so much from reading your posts already! I have an AH that I have been dealing with for 6 years - and by dealing with, I mean from the moment i realized that i was dealing with alcoholism to where I am now which is stopping enabling! I have gone through the hurt and painful emotions to now, almost not caring because i have let it control my life for far too long! I have a question for those that stayed in your marriage hoping that they will get help...When do you know when to call your marriage quits? We have been married for 13 years and i love him, but he will not get help, he admitted to me that he has a problem, He says he is doing the "self help" first - but he continually drinks behind my back and then lies when i ask him about it. I am so tired of being lied to and having high hopes that I dont know that if he went for help now, that I could get the trust back.
Any suggestions? Do you think he would actually get to recovery on his own? And will I ever be able to trust him and not question what he is doing behind my back? Thank you!

noanxtime

Sigh, I have not been in your shoes but feel for you a lot. I used the 'self help' thing mostly to myself. It pretty much meant helping myself to another drink.
While a medical scare helped along my descision to quit, no doubt without it, I would be still floating on that rosy cloud of denial thinking I could "stop any time".
I have never been to a co-dependant (NA?) meeting but many in this group have and could help you out much more than I.

Coldfusion

The meetings for help are Al-Anon, and they are usually available nearby.

Also, here at SR Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and [Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

Anna

I hope that you can set some firm boundaries for yourself to protect yourself.

AlAnon is also a good idea for support.

least

You have to do whatever is best for you, not for the marriage. And yes, the trust will be hard to gain back after being lied to all those times.

I'd suggest you look out for yourself and let him look out for himself.

TrixMixer

These are questions only an UNHAPPYSPOUSE can answer. You are the one living this way. Trust is a very precious thing, once lost, not so easy to recover.

Tread lightly and hopefully the answer will be clear for you and your situation.

Sorry I don't have anything better to contribute. Good luck and we will be here for you .

Sincerely,
TrixMixer

LexieCat

Hi there,

Hope you will come over and check out our Friends and Family forum. We have a whole bunch of very awesome people there who know EXACTLY what you are going through.

i also second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It was a lifeline for me when I was dealing with my marriage to an alcoholic.

peridotbleu

Thank you all for answering! I tried AlAnon when i was trying to figure out if alcoholism was really what I was dealing with! I went for about 4 weeks, but it really didn't help much at that time because i wanted to ask questions to help me understand if my AH was in fact an AH, lol! But that was about 6 years ago and now that I know that he is (and have for a long time) I agree with you that I should go back. I will try to find a meeting close by - maybe and hopefully the same one i attended before. Also, I have been reading on Friends and Family that is where I have been and what helped me decide to register and post! Should I have posted this there? Not quite sure how to navigate on this site yet! Again - thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I am so happy that I found all of you - sorry that yall are here, sorry that we all are here actually, but happy to be in company that understands.....finally!!!!!