Class of February 2013 part 2
Wino and 1Stepup,
I had soooo many day 1s that never even happened. I would wake up in the morning, angry at myself, and strong in my resolve to never drink again.....come 6:00 p.m., almost mechanically I would find myself driving to the store for another bottle. I know your frustration!
Day 15 for me. What makes it easier for me is to stay home as much as possible. Even going to the grocery store can be a trigger for me. This time around, I have quit caffeine also. I think the caffeine crash at the end of the day was another trigger and it contributed to the insomnia. One week caffeine free and I am still groggy and fatigued. This too shall pass.
Thanks for having me here!
I had soooo many day 1s that never even happened. I would wake up in the morning, angry at myself, and strong in my resolve to never drink again.....come 6:00 p.m., almost mechanically I would find myself driving to the store for another bottle. I know your frustration!
Day 15 for me. What makes it easier for me is to stay home as much as possible. Even going to the grocery store can be a trigger for me. This time around, I have quit caffeine also. I think the caffeine crash at the end of the day was another trigger and it contributed to the insomnia. One week caffeine free and I am still groggy and fatigued. This too shall pass.
Thanks for having me here!
Hello everyone, checking in. I started a new job yesterday so I'm full in on that right now. Today I'm DAY 14! Woo Hoo!
I see the new people and can tell you that 2 short weeks ago I was sweating and vomiting after a week long bender/blackout where I somehow was caring for my 3 children while my husband was away. We all have this voice telling us drinking is a good idea. Drinking is something we need- can't live without. Drinking is fun. Drinking makes us better people. It is all lies. "The Beast" is an accurate name for the voice as it is the Satan side of us sitting happily aside watching us poison ourselves to death.
Somehow I woke up from this lifelong spell. For years I kinda wanted to magically stop or have my life amazingly be better. Recently, maybe though the sorrow in my children's eyes, I know there is NOTHING alcohol can do to better my life. Not one thing can it offer me but pain. I no longer will allow it to hurt me. I will no longer forgive it for beating me up. I choose to leave this horrible relationship on my terms, now.
You can too!
xxoo
I see the new people and can tell you that 2 short weeks ago I was sweating and vomiting after a week long bender/blackout where I somehow was caring for my 3 children while my husband was away. We all have this voice telling us drinking is a good idea. Drinking is something we need- can't live without. Drinking is fun. Drinking makes us better people. It is all lies. "The Beast" is an accurate name for the voice as it is the Satan side of us sitting happily aside watching us poison ourselves to death.
Somehow I woke up from this lifelong spell. For years I kinda wanted to magically stop or have my life amazingly be better. Recently, maybe though the sorrow in my children's eyes, I know there is NOTHING alcohol can do to better my life. Not one thing can it offer me but pain. I no longer will allow it to hurt me. I will no longer forgive it for beating me up. I choose to leave this horrible relationship on my terms, now.
You can too!
xxoo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Hi mainza glad your interview went well.
I slipped up, had awful interview for a job that wasnt anything like what id thought it would be. Went straight to a bar, im sorry i just felt so low after thinking my life was gonna be turned around. Blacked out after first bar and have lost all my certificates and job stuff, dont have a clue where i have been. I should have just come home and written my emotions down on here.
WHY? do i do this to myself?
I slipped up, had awful interview for a job that wasnt anything like what id thought it would be. Went straight to a bar, im sorry i just felt so low after thinking my life was gonna be turned around. Blacked out after first bar and have lost all my certificates and job stuff, dont have a clue where i have been. I should have just come home and written my emotions down on here.
WHY? do i do this to myself?
Please come to your February friends next time 1stepup. We would have all loved to be there for u. - Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
This is so embarrassing.. back to day one! This disease is frightening. Spoke to my girlfriend. I think I need to see a therapist. I don't want to drink anymore. Its taking so much from my life. Thinking of a new name in place of wino....at gym now
.trying to feel better. So depressed
.trying to feel better. So depressed
I do agree you should change your name to something fun, or to something that portrays the real u, not your disease or your behavior from the disease.
If it helps; whine away Pamel, but don't bury yourself in SP (that's bad stuff)
I can relate to thinking the husband would solve everything. That was a sad realisation for me. Now I have to be honest about the fact that maybe he has added to the prob?? I'm so confused.
It is a hard balance for me to see things for how they are, and hold others accountable, but also to make sure I blaming someone if it's maybe me??? Very confused when I have to deal with my life. I guess that is why I have been in denial for so long.
Smiles 4 u!
I can relate to thinking the husband would solve everything. That was a sad realisation for me. Now I have to be honest about the fact that maybe he has added to the prob?? I'm so confused.
It is a hard balance for me to see things for how they are, and hold others accountable, but also to make sure I blaming someone if it's maybe me??? Very confused when I have to deal with my life. I guess that is why I have been in denial for so long.
Smiles 4 u!
I think, rather than dealing with "us" in the last 10 years I have either capitulated to his wants and needs, or relied on alcohol to get through bad days. He was planning a 10th year anniversary for us when I drank (I think because things were not between us what he thought they were, and I did not want to take the noble path of truth, so I drank.
Thus began 3 months of hell, culminating with me moving to the guest bedroom and feeling lower than a snake in a ditch. Since then I have gone back to AA, gotten a great sponsor, and started with an equally great therapist. Life is stabilizing, and I am moving back upstairs "as a couple" with the caveats that I continue the more healthy life for my self, and that he work on his own addiction: smoking/nicorette.
This is mostly based on the AA principle: "No major changes within the first year." I don't know if our marriage will last, but I DO know that my sobriety has to come first.
BTW I think there is plenty of blame to go around. I have been made to think that all our troubles stemmed from me. Just in the last 6 days I have seen that my problems are definitely mine, his are his, and ours are ours. It helps to think of it as three buckets: one for your problems to solve, one for his, and the third for both of you. At least it has clarified my vision and lessoned my guilt.
My story isn’t one that’s unique. It’s not even one that’s dramatic. It’s filled with booze, hangovers, self-hatred, depression and anxiety. And worst of all, isolation. Throw in a bad divorce, being the only parent involved with the children (the biological father walked out on us and choose partying & loose women over family) and no outside help.
It’s a sad swirly I’ve gotten myself into, but only I can change it. I have to start somewhere.
Today is my Day 1. 2-19-13 was my last drink. Thank you for having me.
It’s a sad swirly I’ve gotten myself into, but only I can change it. I have to start somewhere.
Today is my Day 1. 2-19-13 was my last drink. Thank you for having me.
BTW I think there is plenty of blame to go around. I have been made to think that all our troubles stemmed from me. Just in the last 6 days I have seen that my problems are definitely mine, his are his, and ours are ours. It helps to think of it as three buckets: one for your problems to solve, one for his, and the third for both of you. At least it has clarified my vision and lessoned my guilt.
Day 11. Snowing here in the desert for the first time in 8 years and its beautiful!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Hi everyone,
Day 4! Yea me. Wow this last relapse has taught me a lot. I knew that I was not dealing with my issues, but I am all of a sudden realizing why, how, and when I first started avoiding them.
I went to traffic court today with my daughter. As I sat there It reminded me of all the times I went to court to support my two teenage boys that were getting in a lot of trouble a few years back. I was so strong for them but it broke my heart terribly.
As I sat with my daughter today in traffic court; for 3 HOURS I might add; I reflected on the other issues that have troubled me over the past several years of my life.
Over this short span of time besides dealing with my teenager boys,I also lost my mom, my brother, and my sister, Became a grandma for the first time and ended up pretty much raising my grandson for a few years. I was also having issues at work and I almost got a divorce during this time.
At some point in all of this i started using more and more. I was always a strong person but all this was just to much pain for me. Before I knew it I was completely addicted.
I will sum up my thoughts for today. Actually most of these issues I have been well aware of for a long time, but today a new perspective was given to me.
1. These specific issues are in he past.My life is much less stressful now.
2. I continue doing what I am doing (drinking, instead of dealing) from bad formed habits.
3. I can and I will change these habits.
4. God IS answering my prayers, just not in the method I thought he would; such as allowing me to go through another relapse.
5. I also realized a big part of me has been fearing getting better because if god sees that I can handle more, he very well might give me more pain as he did before.
Even if #5 is right; that is a really dumb reason not to get well and progress in life.
It has taken another relapse and an added few days but i am now ready and gladly turn my life over (again) to my HP.
Sorry so long. Thanks for listening.
Have a fantastically beautiful sober day my friends!
Day 4! Yea me. Wow this last relapse has taught me a lot. I knew that I was not dealing with my issues, but I am all of a sudden realizing why, how, and when I first started avoiding them.
I went to traffic court today with my daughter. As I sat there It reminded me of all the times I went to court to support my two teenage boys that were getting in a lot of trouble a few years back. I was so strong for them but it broke my heart terribly.
As I sat with my daughter today in traffic court; for 3 HOURS I might add; I reflected on the other issues that have troubled me over the past several years of my life.
Over this short span of time besides dealing with my teenager boys,I also lost my mom, my brother, and my sister, Became a grandma for the first time and ended up pretty much raising my grandson for a few years. I was also having issues at work and I almost got a divorce during this time.
At some point in all of this i started using more and more. I was always a strong person but all this was just to much pain for me. Before I knew it I was completely addicted.
I will sum up my thoughts for today. Actually most of these issues I have been well aware of for a long time, but today a new perspective was given to me.
1. These specific issues are in he past.My life is much less stressful now.
2. I continue doing what I am doing (drinking, instead of dealing) from bad formed habits.
3. I can and I will change these habits.
4. God IS answering my prayers, just not in the method I thought he would; such as allowing me to go through another relapse.
5. I also realized a big part of me has been fearing getting better because if god sees that I can handle more, he very well might give me more pain as he did before.
Even if #5 is right; that is a really dumb reason not to get well and progress in life.
It has taken another relapse and an added few days but i am now ready and gladly turn my life over (again) to my HP.
Sorry so long. Thanks for listening.
Have a fantastically beautiful sober day my friends!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
My story isn’t one that’s unique. It’s not even one that’s dramatic. It’s filled with booze, hangovers, self-hatred, depression and anxiety. And worst of all, isolation. Throw in a bad divorce, being the only parent involved with the children (the biological father walked out on us and choose partying & loose women over family) and no outside help.
It’s a sad swirly I’ve gotten myself into, but only I can change it. I have to start somewhere.
Today is my Day 1. 2-19-13 was my last drink. Thank you for having me.
It’s a sad swirly I’ve gotten myself into, but only I can change it. I have to start somewhere.
Today is my Day 1. 2-19-13 was my last drink. Thank you for having me.
Precious I could not be more proud of you! These are some really honest and insightful revalations, couldn't have been easy to dig that deep. Number 5 in particular is amazing. I think that one will help not only yourself but other people who read it.
Want to leave you with a quote:
"Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion." -- Eckhart Tolle, author of "The Power of Now."
Want to leave you with a quote:
"Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion." -- Eckhart Tolle, author of "The Power of Now."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Precious I could not be more proud of you! These are some really honest and insightful revalations, couldn't have been easy to dig that deep. Number 5 in particular is amazing. I think that one will help not only yourself but other people who read it.
Want to leave you with a quote:
"Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion." -- Eckhart Tolle, author of "The Power of Now."
Want to leave you with a quote:
"Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion." -- Eckhart Tolle, author of "The Power of Now."
I knew I had issues and that I had a problem that caused the drinking/addiction. Caused such a problem I voluntarily admitted myself into a 60 day rehab. I got out and was sober for almost nine months. got a sponsor, went to lots of meetings etc..
I was not drinking, and I was a lot better. Then the relapse, then another and another. I think 5 or 6 in the last few months.
I have been driving myself crazy wondering why I relapsed after so long. The relapses became worse and worse, but with each relapse I realized more and more how much I was not dealing with my issues. ANd by that I mean people taking advantage of me, me not being able to hold others accountable, me not believing in myself; therefore not really trying or engaging in much etc...
I thought I was ok during my 9 months sober, because i was "sober" and going to meetings. I was sober but I still was avoiding the parts (most parts) of my life.
I was working the steps (slowing and alone). I got to step 6/7 and asked god to remove my shortcomings. I don't think I understood all of or the extent my shortcomings affected me.
Now (day four) that I am done withdrawing and feeling sorry for myself i can reflect and see how my hp is starting to answer my prayers, esp the one about removing my shortcomings .
I guess he had to help me see them first.
I know this isn't everyones story but if it help even just one other person that is good.
I just want to say this is "my" story as I see it right now. Please don't take what I am saying and let your addict minds think "well a relapse helped precious kitty" maybe it will me too.
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