Itsmytime1234

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm 26 years old and need some help. I need to know there are others out there like me. So here's my story....
I've always been a party girl. Drinking, smoking , and recreational drug use were a part of my life from 13- 23. That's around the age when the smoking and drugs got old, but alcohol never did. About a year ago I decided to get healthy. Clean eating and regular exercise was my goal and also the daily bottle of red was done. And I did it! I just kept my drinking to 1-2 nights a week on weekends. Which is fine....but....I'm getting wasted when I drink and I'm developing severe anxiety the morning after. It's starting to get really embarrassing and taking a tole on my relationship. I can't control it. I tell myself in the beginning of night I won't get too messed up and it has the complete opposite effect on me. And I've tried to completely give it up before, but the guilt I feel from getting drunk lasts for about 5 days then once that's gone I'm back on the party train. About two months ago my bf asked me to not drink hard liqueur or wine cuz I get too drunk and out of control. Now, when I stick to that I'm fine, because I can't drink to much beer anyways. But if I get a buzz off beer and he's not around, I want hard liqueur and wine, it's like I crave it or maybe that's what I'm used to I have no idea. Two nights ago, we went to my fiends small house party. I brought 5 beers for myself and my bf brought 2 cuz he's a 1-2 drink kind of guy and that's it. So I started throwing them back relatively quickly (I always have been a fast drinker,even with non-alcoholic beverages) so once I polished off those which was approx. 1 1/2-2 hours into evening, I was on the hunt for more, even tho I don't think all the beer had hit me at that point I was feeling good and I wanted to feel better. So when my friend asked for a glass on wine I volunteered to go get it for her. And I poured myself a glass and chugged it in the kitchen where I was alone. After that, it was pretty much a done deal. I kept sneaking off into the kitchen to " get water " or " get people drinks, meanwhile my bf wondering how I got so trashed off of five beers. I remember one of the last trips into the kitchen before the night became blurry I saw a bottle of Jose Cuervo on the counter and margarita mix. When I first got there someone offered me a shot which I denied since I only drink beer now lol. Well as soon as I'm drunk now all of a sudden I'm a tequila connoisseur. I remember pouring a cup of the warm brown crap with a splash of the mix and chugging it, and I may or may not have don't that twice. After that black out mode set it. I woke up at 6 am dying of thirst and feeling like crap. Then the depression kicks in. And of coarse the fact that I've ruined my workout for day and my diet from the night before doesn't help. My bf woke up shortly after and to my horror as he always does asks me if I remember sticking a piece of pizza in my pocket to eat in the car as we were walking out the door. Or if I remember calling him broken and stupid in the car. no, no I do not. But I can't admit that cuz that would be that yet again, I have lost control. So I lie and say yes I remember and can u stop giving me a ******* play by play of the night! Cuz he's making me super embarrassed and I feel like crap that we can't go to a party and me not get trashed . So this is a typical night in our life. But it doesn't stop at house party's, it can happen at happy hours or evenings where we to dinner then out dancing or even a jewelry party with co-workers. I all events I have to be taken home early because I can't stand up by the time 11 pm rolls around. But like i said, it happens maybe once every two weeks and not every time I drink but more often then not. I don't think I have a drinking problem but I think when I drink it becomes a problem most of the time and I can't keep doing this to my body if that makes any sense at all. I need to stop or at least quit until I feel like I can't integrate a drink into the night without going overboard which I'm aware I am nowhere near that point. I can't seem to ditch my party girl past and habits of drinking till I black out ( that was always the goal back then, now it just happens on its own) and I don't know why because I hate when I get drunk and hate even more feeling **** the whole next day. Can anyone relate to this or have any advice? I feel like such a loser.

guskasb14

I can relate! Im 27. I also have very very VERY extreme anxiety pants after drinking heavy, then a few days of recovery......the circle starts again......One thing is for certain, you dont sound like a loser...... It sounds like you have tried stopping than felt control and then started again and .........back to ?????

Question is, do you think you have control, no control.......and thats one question that is hard to really determine, but sounds like you wouldnt be here if you werent looking for it. That question though is the one you can only answer. For me I said I dont think I have a drinking problem.....but the opposite end......is drinking a solution? For me it was a false solution to everything in my life. But its falsified by the fact that I was pushing problems just a little further down the road. It isnt a solution for me, and I have no control over it. That was a hard answer, but the right answer. You are not a lone out there with this.....as you will find out!

Welcome! You will get a lot of insight here from great people on your journey!

Keep your chin up!

Itsmytime1234

I defiantly feel like I have no control when I drink. But I feel weird identifying as an alcoholic because I don't feel that to be a true statement . I mean, maybe that's is being a alcoholic. Idunno,....so confusing, but I know I have a problem cuz I wouldn't feel so awful in the morning if I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. I mean my behavior worked when I was younger but now, not so much, time to grow up

guskasb14

haha, I get that same old feeling......even at 27 Im like, I used to be able to do this......now it hurts more........hahah....give this thread some time.....many great people give you some guidance soon. I have to go to work, but realize that 10 million + people in the USA are alcoholics. A lot of people on here are alcoholics, and a lot of people are going through what you are!

Good luck! Ill check back after work!

TrixMixer

Oh Honey! Welcome to my world.........and you are in the right place.

We may not have the exact story or experience, but we all "cannot control our alcohol consumption" once we begin.

That puts you into the Special Category of "Alcoholic"...on any given day here anyone can TOP your story! So pull up a chair and tell us all about it.
We will not judge you because we are or were YOU or worse.

It should do your heart good to know there are plenty of stories worse than yours--take the time to read through some of the posts on this forum.

......but the light at the end of the drunk tunnel is: We understand and we don't judge, we will try to listen and guide you with our experiences in hopes of saving you the life many of us had. to our world!

TrixMixer

sugarbear1

Non-alcoholics, like your bf, don't put any thought into controlling their drinking, changing their type of alcoholic beverage, or get trashed when they don't intend to.

Glad you found SR!

VJ99

Welcome! Even if you don't post, read read and read. Lot's of good advice. And like TM said, there are lots of people in worse shape. But don't misunderstand. When I went to my first AA meeting I sat and listened to everything everyone had to say. I felt that most everyone there was 'worse off' than I was. So I left there thinking I wasn't an alcoholic afterall and went out and got plastered - for the next 3 months. I am an alcoholic whether I like it or not.

freshstart57

Lots of alcoholics drink all the time. As far as reasons to drink go, being an alcoholic is one of the best. On the other hand, lots of people don`t drink a drop and never have. What I am getting at is the label - alcoholic. It has little little to do with whether people drink or not.

The question remains for us as individuals - what should we do? That is the old vaudeville joke - Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this. Well then, don't do that. It is funny because the answer seems so obvious.

It sounds like you are struggling with the idea that you will stop drinking someday. It should be clear that like most addictions, alcoholism is related to the tolerance we develop, and larger and larger amounts of alcohol are needed to achieve that effect we crave. With these increased amounts comes the inevitable physical, mental and psychological side effects. So, the course of this addiction should be clear to you - continue to drink with the results you have seen repeatedly getting worse and worse.

Now what? You can do it later or you can do it now, but that day will come, and the longer you drink the worse it will get. Are you ready to make a plan about your continued use of alcohol?

Itsmytime1234

Haha wow good point....this sucks y can't I just be normal!sugar bear1

Mainza

I am very similar Itsmytime. I am 28 and have been drinking for awhile. I always tell myself that I won't get wasted and I end up getting wasted! I blackout, have a terrible hangover the next day, and worry about how I've hurt people or made an ass out of myself. Usually it takes me about 5 days to get out of it and start another binge. Since I came to this forum sometime ago, I have been much better. I don't binge every weekend and I even went 6 months without alcohol. As I drifted from the site, I began drinking again. I suggest you spend a lot of time here reading and posting and learning from others.

pkrma

Being normal is overrated.

I am alcoholic, it only sucks when I'm not sober. I've been sober for 3 months and it doesn't suck. And my drinking patterns were very similar to yours.

I think if you realize you are an alcoholic, which based on your description I would suggest you are an alcoholic, that really is the first and most important step to fixing whats wrong with your life. Once you realize you're an alcoholic and that that will never change, you'll be motivated to make the steps to becoming sober, whatever they may be. I hope you can come and around and I wish you the best.

Booniecat

So glad you are on here itsmytime. I am much older than you (but probably not wiser.) I should have known I was an alcoholic in my late teens and 20's because whenever I drank I got totally smashed. I held it together enough to get a Masters degree and have a very successful career. Rarely had liquor in the house and went months without drinking with no problem. On the rare occasions I did drink - blotto.

After my kids left home I began drinking daily. The past few years I have averaged three fifths of vodka per week and usually passed out each night. I have tried only drinking on weekends (fail) and only drinking beer (big fail). I have come to realize I cannot drink AT ALL. You may want to consider taking a complete break for alcohol for 30 or 60 days. I realized as I was drinking I could not think clearly about whether I had a drinking problem.

I have done a lot of reading in the past year and books on recovery have helped me make the decision not to drink ever. Big step for me but the only real solution.

You are taking the first step by being on the SR site. God Bless.

Lizella

I am 26 this year and our stories sound very similar. I don't want to label myself an alcoholic either but I definitely have a problem so need to do something. I don't post on here much but knowing it's not just me going through this really helps.

Itsmytime1234

Yea I know I get so frustrated with myself and I'm ready to make a change but I'm terrified ill go back to my old habits and really do something ill regret....I just wish I could fast forward to 30 days from now

Lunetta

Our stories were similar, when I was 26. Now I am 30 and have been sober as of jan 1, however in between 26 to 30 my drinking quickly progressed from what you are doing to drinking every day, hiding it all from everyone (or trying to) including my bf who became my husband, to sometimes drinking in the mornings to feel better or all day on the weekends. Alcohol is a progressive disease and your story will most likely turn into mine or worse. If I could go back I would have stopped at the point you're at. Things are SO much easier when you remove drinking from the equation! Like a huge weight has been lifted. It isn't easy at first the AV (alcoholic voice) tries to tell you anything to get you to drink but for me, logging onto this site helped a lot and eventually I told my husband and a close friend my plan to quit and got support from him too.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do but just remember you don't have to feel the crappy way you do after drinking, and the only way to promise that is to stop drinking, it's totally up to you!

Taking5

Itsmytime,

What worried me was this:

If you really remember, then he is likely to come to the conclusion that it isn't just the alcohol, but that you are a mean person too. Time to come clean, tell him you don't remember those details, and get some help. JMHO.

freshstart57

I knew for a long time, years maybe, that I would quit drinking. Nothing changed until the day came when I accepted that I had already quit - that drink I had yesterday was my last one. Ever. That was 18 months ago now.

The penny will drop when you finally understand that you can quit. It will be alright when you do it, nothing bad will happen. You won't explode or turn into a toad, you won't lose your mind, you won't go crazy. In fact, a whole bunch of bad things will stop happening, and will be replaced by good things, whatever you choose to do.

You can arrive at the place where you see your way forward clearly. You can decide, you can choose how things will happen for you. You can choose to never drink again, and to never change your mind.

I recommend it.

MAlan

I'm a dude, but seriously I can relate to every part of your post... even the pizza pocket thing. (Which is hilarious btw) One morning my buddy asked me if I remembered the entire family (on Christmas) begging me not to drive home, hiding my keys, me physically threatening people to get them and then driving home. I didn't even remember being there... And I HATED my gf relating to me all the things I did the night before! I would beg her to stop cause it's beyond embarrassing but she would say I needed to hear it since she had to deal with it. (Because I would say very mean things to her while smashed). This is happening, of course, the next morning so I have major anxiety already. It's like a constant feeling of supreme dread, like something horrible has happened and it's all my fault. I have absolutely no control over my emotions once I get to blackout mode, and God only knows what will come outta my mouth. Anyway, the point:

Ya, you have a problem. If you do something and it causes problems... it's a problem. Once I realized this it made something else very clear to me; If I have even the potential to do something hurtful to someone else because I might get too drunk, doesn't that make any amount of drinking morally wrong? Not for everyone. Others seem to be able to have a few beers n stop every single time and even when they get drunk they don't act ridiculous. But not me. I have proven it over and over. And it won't go away as I get older, I won't "figure out" how to moderate, I'll never "just stick to beer" (ya tried that one too) . All of that is garbage. If someone told you there's even a tiny chance if you handed them a shotgun they would kill themselves what would you do (not do?) So why would you ever reach for another glass? Every time I drink there is a chance I could do real damage to someone. I have gotten close way to many times. Isn't it lunacy to even consider drinking then?

Just my opinion. Sorry to bomb your thread, but you really sound similar to me. It seems like a lot of us fall into the same trap after the 5 day guilt period just convince ourselves we "won't do it this time." I guess the trick is remembering... Also, actually commiting to not drinking at all... ever. It's the only way to bee 100% sure.

Itsmytime1234

Haha oh the pizza pocket story is just the tip of the iceberg ! Wow i could write a book on dumb crap I've done over the years, but it's funny cuz I'm only seeing as a problem the past year or so, wish I saw it years ago, woulda saved a lot of ruined moments from happening

Veritas1

Hello, and welcome.

Your post reminds me of a place in the book Alcoholics Anonymous which is the textbook that we use in the program of AA.

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."


The program of action outlined in the book has helped me find a way out of the madness of active alcoholism.

I can't control my drinking once I start, and I can't stay away from it when I promise I won't drink again until I submit to the process which the spiritual program of action requires.

When I follow the directions in my book, and ask for help, here, and to the God of my understanding, I find I am not drinking.

I think how can this be, after not being able to stay stopped, to stay stopped, ...this makes no sense...what changed?

Well, on the days I followed the AA way, I stay sober. When I asked God for help, and took the actions to try life a new way...to establish this new way of living....I change.

Drinking is insanity for me, yet I would drink an ocean full.

I am without defense against my physical allergy to alcohol that turns into cravings for an ungodly amount of booze, and so I must seek God, and find a way to never use alcohol.

My mind balks. Never? Ever? That's crazy! No, what's crazy is drinking when it's killing me and I still think it would be ok, maybe, if I could find a way to manage it well.

Our very experience...shows us what is our truth with booze.

We can deny our truth. Try to pretty it up. But it is what it is.

Some people can't drink. You may be one of us.

If so, we have a common problem, and a common solution.

One person helping another for the sole purpose of recovery.

Be encouraged!