21 yr. looking for guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
21 yr. looking for guidance
I am a 21 year old guy who is struggling with a drinking problem. I feel compelled to describe my situation in part because I feel it’s a bit unusual. Unlike many stories I’ve read about on the internet, I come from a very stable upbringing with a loving, considerate family. The way I see it, my childhood was quite blissful, apart from a rough patch from the time I was about 5 to 9 years old, when my Dad had some anger issues and a slight tendency towards aggressive/violent behavior towards my sisters and I when he got upset due to the difficulties he was experiencing in his life. My sisters and parents do not struggle with drinking, as far as I can tell, although I’ve come to realize that both my parents have unpleasant secrets about their pasts, and I suspect a history of substance abuse with my Dad. Nonetheless, every functional family has negative aspects, and I consider my family’s negative parts to be insignificant, especially when compared to those of some of my peers. My upbringing was for the most part a shining example of the beautiful childhood that parents wish for their child. I was pretty much always a happy kid.
My own habits are not too unusual as far as I can tell from what I read on the internet. I drank socially as a teenager (in the same way that lots of teens do), the difference perhaps being I couldn’t help myself from getting blackout drunk every time I touched any alcohol. My friends attributed this to my personality and assumed it was a phase. I was fortunate to have a vibrant social scene at university, being on a varsity team from year 1 at university. I sustained a season-ending injury at the beginning of my 1st school year. There is a huge culture of drinking and partying at my university, and especially on my team. But unlike my peers, my drinking was very unhappy (I am a violent and hurtful drunk). I am a big guy, and I would finish 40 ounce bottles of whiskey during drinking sessions, several times a week during my time on the sidelines. Most of my drinking at this time was secret because I didn’t want to attract attention. Secrecy is a feature of my drinking which remains the case still. I have developed the ability to hide my drunkenness extremely well. I often show up to social situations quite drunk when everybody else is only starting to drink, and they do not notice because I stay quiet. I have been constantly lying about my drinking habits to doctors, family, and friends for 3 years.
My tendency towards drinking is highly inconsistent. I am not physically addicted to alcohol. In 3 years I have stopped drinking in many forms: “only beer from now on”, 5 drink limit, 1 drink limit, no drinking after 10pm, and straight up no drinking AT ALL. I have abstained from alcohol consumption for weeks or months at a time, only to give in and drink my face off before important games and meetings. I’ve also enjoyed periods of responsible alcohol consumption for weeks at a time, only to fall into the habit of drinking a bottle of whiskey every day for weeks at a time, seemingly at the flick of a switch (completely unprovoked). Recently, I had the unpleasant experience of unintentionally embarking on a 3-day binge, at the end of which I had little memory of what I did or said during the entire 3 days. I have nearly killed myself from drinking too much more times than I can count with my fingers, knowing with full knowledge the severity of my abuse each time.
Truthfully, I have friends and family that are far more forgiving than I feel I’ve earned. I have alienated, hurt, and threatened both friends and family under the influence of alcohol. I have become violent towards my family and dearest friends and made them feel unsafe in their own homes time and time again, and yet they still accept me. I have physically intimidated and abused my friends multiple times, recently threatening one friend with a kitchen knife while I was drunk.
I’ve brought my loved ones to tears because of my drinking, and although my family and some friends assume that my problems with liquor are over, little do they know that I feel my problems are just beginning, and getting ever less predicable and more severe. I would like to re-iterate that disaster does not strike every time I touch the bottle. In relative terms, disaster rarely strikes, but when it does it is bad. I struggle with depression and have attention difficulties, for which I am now prescribed medications, and I’m afraid to say that I suspect I may struggle with abusing those medications as well. I am usually an outgoing and ‘smiley’ person, and I think that this makes people believe that I feel all right, but I think about drinking constantly. Literally all day long. More and more, I am thinking about how much I want to stop the cycles of binging.
The bottom line is that I know I struggle with behaving responsibility, and that I am damaging my body when I drink irresponsibly, and have known these things for several years, but I can’t seem to affect positive change over the long term despite this knowledge. I’ve had a nervous breakdown already and contemplated suicide before (although I’m glad to say that I no longer see that as a viable option, owing to a new life philosophy and faith in myself and the world).
I realize that I’ve offloaded a lot of information in this post (most unnecessary I’m sure, since many of these behaviors seem to be common amongst problem drinkers.) I suppose the reason for the long-winded explanation is that I’ve never had the courage to tell anybody the extent of my problem and how it affects me daily, and this is my way of reaching out for help. I don’t see this as a chronicle of my struggle with alcohol, but rather as the first chapter in my path to fixing this issue. I realize I’m young, but I know I have a problem, and I’d especially appreciate some advice from a fellow problem drinker who comes from a similar background to me. Thanks for reading.
My own habits are not too unusual as far as I can tell from what I read on the internet. I drank socially as a teenager (in the same way that lots of teens do), the difference perhaps being I couldn’t help myself from getting blackout drunk every time I touched any alcohol. My friends attributed this to my personality and assumed it was a phase. I was fortunate to have a vibrant social scene at university, being on a varsity team from year 1 at university. I sustained a season-ending injury at the beginning of my 1st school year. There is a huge culture of drinking and partying at my university, and especially on my team. But unlike my peers, my drinking was very unhappy (I am a violent and hurtful drunk). I am a big guy, and I would finish 40 ounce bottles of whiskey during drinking sessions, several times a week during my time on the sidelines. Most of my drinking at this time was secret because I didn’t want to attract attention. Secrecy is a feature of my drinking which remains the case still. I have developed the ability to hide my drunkenness extremely well. I often show up to social situations quite drunk when everybody else is only starting to drink, and they do not notice because I stay quiet. I have been constantly lying about my drinking habits to doctors, family, and friends for 3 years.
My tendency towards drinking is highly inconsistent. I am not physically addicted to alcohol. In 3 years I have stopped drinking in many forms: “only beer from now on”, 5 drink limit, 1 drink limit, no drinking after 10pm, and straight up no drinking AT ALL. I have abstained from alcohol consumption for weeks or months at a time, only to give in and drink my face off before important games and meetings. I’ve also enjoyed periods of responsible alcohol consumption for weeks at a time, only to fall into the habit of drinking a bottle of whiskey every day for weeks at a time, seemingly at the flick of a switch (completely unprovoked). Recently, I had the unpleasant experience of unintentionally embarking on a 3-day binge, at the end of which I had little memory of what I did or said during the entire 3 days. I have nearly killed myself from drinking too much more times than I can count with my fingers, knowing with full knowledge the severity of my abuse each time.
Truthfully, I have friends and family that are far more forgiving than I feel I’ve earned. I have alienated, hurt, and threatened both friends and family under the influence of alcohol. I have become violent towards my family and dearest friends and made them feel unsafe in their own homes time and time again, and yet they still accept me. I have physically intimidated and abused my friends multiple times, recently threatening one friend with a kitchen knife while I was drunk.
I’ve brought my loved ones to tears because of my drinking, and although my family and some friends assume that my problems with liquor are over, little do they know that I feel my problems are just beginning, and getting ever less predicable and more severe. I would like to re-iterate that disaster does not strike every time I touch the bottle. In relative terms, disaster rarely strikes, but when it does it is bad. I struggle with depression and have attention difficulties, for which I am now prescribed medications, and I’m afraid to say that I suspect I may struggle with abusing those medications as well. I am usually an outgoing and ‘smiley’ person, and I think that this makes people believe that I feel all right, but I think about drinking constantly. Literally all day long. More and more, I am thinking about how much I want to stop the cycles of binging.
The bottom line is that I know I struggle with behaving responsibility, and that I am damaging my body when I drink irresponsibly, and have known these things for several years, but I can’t seem to affect positive change over the long term despite this knowledge. I’ve had a nervous breakdown already and contemplated suicide before (although I’m glad to say that I no longer see that as a viable option, owing to a new life philosophy and faith in myself and the world).
I realize that I’ve offloaded a lot of information in this post (most unnecessary I’m sure, since many of these behaviors seem to be common amongst problem drinkers.) I suppose the reason for the long-winded explanation is that I’ve never had the courage to tell anybody the extent of my problem and how it affects me daily, and this is my way of reaching out for help. I don’t see this as a chronicle of my struggle with alcohol, but rather as the first chapter in my path to fixing this issue. I realize I’m young, but I know I have a problem, and I’d especially appreciate some advice from a fellow problem drinker who comes from a similar background to me. Thanks for reading.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,519
Welcome NewBigginning! When I first came here I was so relieved to have people to talk to about my drinking. No one in my life understood what I was going through. We all get it - and we want to help.
The thing is, even though you have some control now - if you're an alcoholic, at some point that will end. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. One day you may find you have no off switch. I once drank the way you are - and I ended up completely dependent on it many years later. All because I refused to do what you're doing - admitting you're in over your head. I know how difficult it is, at only 21 - but you'll be saving yourself so much grief and misery if you can stop this cycle now.
Every time I picked up it led me to danger and an unpredictable outcome. It sounds like you're putting yourself in harm's way by continuing on this path. I didn't find your post to be long winded or unnecessary. You gave us important information that we need in order to help and give you suggestions. I think it's great you have come here and shared your feelings with us. Keep on posting and reading.
The thing is, even though you have some control now - if you're an alcoholic, at some point that will end. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. One day you may find you have no off switch. I once drank the way you are - and I ended up completely dependent on it many years later. All because I refused to do what you're doing - admitting you're in over your head. I know how difficult it is, at only 21 - but you'll be saving yourself so much grief and misery if you can stop this cycle now.
Every time I picked up it led me to danger and an unpredictable outcome. It sounds like you're putting yourself in harm's way by continuing on this path. I didn't find your post to be long winded or unnecessary. You gave us important information that we need in order to help and give you suggestions. I think it's great you have come here and shared your feelings with us. Keep on posting and reading.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey there,
My first husband got sober when he was your age, and he has had 33 years of happy sobriety. He drank a lot like you did, and I was just talking to him the other day (we are divorced but still good friends) and he was just talking about how his life might have looked if he had not gotten sober when he did.
I suggest you find yourself an AA meeting. That's how my husband recovered, and as for me, I am four and a half years sober in AA now, myself. It is a way to live happily without alcohol, and we have a lot of young people attending our meetings. I'm always glad to see them, because they have their whole lives to enjoy.
My first husband got sober when he was your age, and he has had 33 years of happy sobriety. He drank a lot like you did, and I was just talking to him the other day (we are divorced but still good friends) and he was just talking about how his life might have looked if he had not gotten sober when he did.
I suggest you find yourself an AA meeting. That's how my husband recovered, and as for me, I am four and a half years sober in AA now, myself. It is a way to live happily without alcohol, and we have a lot of young people attending our meetings. I'm always glad to see them, because they have their whole lives to enjoy.
Sober birthday 2/7/13
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 119
Hi NB,
I too have no bad family life to blame. I think that made me feel even guiltier. Growing up was normal, my siblings don't have any problems or drinking issues. It was all my doing.
I didn't start drinking excessively until my early 20s. Somewhere in the 22-23 frame. Oh the old if I knew then what I know now... Something that I have learned is people who choose to not drink are not losers. Somehow I always equated people in AA as those who 'couldn't handle it' and that not drinking was losing out on some magic part of life. But after years of blacking out and missing huge chunks of my children's lives, I realize including alcohol in my life is when I lose out. Alcohol is able to give me absolutely nothing that inhales my life. It only takes more and more away. From the thought of drink one-before anything touches my lips- I lose. It begins a mental game and I chose to be in charge of my brain. All the mental fights, all the whispering in the back of my skull, is gone now and I can't express how good that feels.
Stay here. Go to a meeting. We all get it and we all are here to help you move past this.
I too have no bad family life to blame. I think that made me feel even guiltier. Growing up was normal, my siblings don't have any problems or drinking issues. It was all my doing.
I didn't start drinking excessively until my early 20s. Somewhere in the 22-23 frame. Oh the old if I knew then what I know now... Something that I have learned is people who choose to not drink are not losers. Somehow I always equated people in AA as those who 'couldn't handle it' and that not drinking was losing out on some magic part of life. But after years of blacking out and missing huge chunks of my children's lives, I realize including alcohol in my life is when I lose out. Alcohol is able to give me absolutely nothing that inhales my life. It only takes more and more away. From the thought of drink one-before anything touches my lips- I lose. It begins a mental game and I chose to be in charge of my brain. All the mental fights, all the whispering in the back of my skull, is gone now and I can't express how good that feels.
Stay here. Go to a meeting. We all get it and we all are here to help you move past this.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
welcome to SR
The hardest thing to do is admit you have a problem and you are past that now. This community can and will support you through your transition and this is the place to come to squash your cravings and lean on someone (or a bunch of us).
You have probably heard this before but it bears hearing again......
you are a young man and have 90% of your life ahead of you. A life w/o alcohol will be INFINITELY better than the life of a lifelong drinker.
I know, I have been drinking since I was 16 and I am 55. All those years controlled by the beast were a waste of my youth, young adulthood and into (dare I say it.....) Middle age.
Do yourself a BIG favor and do your best to follow through with sobriety. It wont be easy but it is the most IMPORTANT battle you will ever fight.
Now is the time that you can eliminate the cycle of pain caused by your drinking. Now you can stop hurting yourself and others around you. Now is the time you can eliminate future regret and remorse.
Wish I could to travel back in time to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now.... I'm glad that you have the opportunity right in front of you.
Read the accounts of some of us and keep posting. We are here to help and many of us have lifetimes of experience with alcohol to share.
Best Wishes
You have probably heard this before but it bears hearing again......
you are a young man and have 90% of your life ahead of you. A life w/o alcohol will be INFINITELY better than the life of a lifelong drinker.
I know, I have been drinking since I was 16 and I am 55. All those years controlled by the beast were a waste of my youth, young adulthood and into (dare I say it.....) Middle age.
Do yourself a BIG favor and do your best to follow through with sobriety. It wont be easy but it is the most IMPORTANT battle you will ever fight.
Now is the time that you can eliminate the cycle of pain caused by your drinking. Now you can stop hurting yourself and others around you. Now is the time you can eliminate future regret and remorse.
Wish I could to travel back in time to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now.... I'm glad that you have the opportunity right in front of you.
Read the accounts of some of us and keep posting. We are here to help and many of us have lifetimes of experience with alcohol to share.
Best Wishes
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I came from a stable background, began drinking heavily and was involved in athletics early in my college life. I was in a fraternity where binge drinking was encouraged. My drunken behavior was "the norm" as many of my friends drank in excess as well.
Eventually those friends stopped drinking, graduated, and moved on to different things. I did not. I should have sought help at this point, but unlike you I was not mature enough to know that I needed help in the first place. I do not exactly have advice for you, but I do know that when someone "suggested" AA to me I felt offended and had no idea where to start.
Are you still at university? Are there any campus groups or something - like the school's anti-drug association? Perhaps they'll have some insight for you as to where you can go. Do you know anyone in AA that could maybe take you to a meeting with them or at least sit down and chat? That might help. Or keep reading the board, it might do some good too. Good luck.
Eventually those friends stopped drinking, graduated, and moved on to different things. I did not. I should have sought help at this point, but unlike you I was not mature enough to know that I needed help in the first place. I do not exactly have advice for you, but I do know that when someone "suggested" AA to me I felt offended and had no idea where to start.
Are you still at university? Are there any campus groups or something - like the school's anti-drug association? Perhaps they'll have some insight for you as to where you can go. Do you know anyone in AA that could maybe take you to a meeting with them or at least sit down and chat? That might help. Or keep reading the board, it might do some good too. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Welcome to SR. I can relate to you as im also 21. I totally understand the whole drinking culture thing, it's all anybody seems to do at university. Actually I think envying them being able to drink 'normally' while I stayed at home led me to drink even more.
I come from the most normal background you could think of, this thing can strike anyone, regardless of class, creed, etc.
You've come to the right place, there's lots of support here
I'm on day 2 of not drinking
I come from the most normal background you could think of, this thing can strike anyone, regardless of class, creed, etc.
You've come to the right place, there's lots of support here
I'm on day 2 of not drinking
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 80
Sounds like you have more self awareness than any 21 year old I have ever spoken too! And thats a great thing! I can relate, but Im 27. This is a great place for support, in whichever form you need it. Keep checking in! Good luck on your journey!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks everybody for replying to my post, you don't know how great it is to have the support of complete strangers. You are all very selfless to be investing in me like this. I have graduated from university, but I still have access to their facilities and may try an AA meeting there. I admit, the thought of going to a meeting is daunting to me, but I might as well give it a go if only to see what they are like. Maybe I won't find it so intimidating once I get there.
I'm inspired by the courage that you all show to be tackling your demons and helping others to tackle theirs. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new outlook on life!
I'm inspired by the courage that you all show to be tackling your demons and helping others to tackle theirs. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new outlook on life!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Let me share a link that I have that may take some of the mystery/intimidation out of the thought of going: What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting. Read it over--it might make your first meeting less scary and more comfortable.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
Welcome to SR NB!! I commend you on recognizing you may have a problem with alcohol. I sure wish I recognized this in my early 20s. It could have saved me 25 years of misery.
I've learned that it's oftentimes not how often we drink but what happens to us after we take that first drink. I never did know how to control my drinking once I started. Every episode ended with me passing out.
I took a newcomer to a meeting the other night. It was an AA meeting for young persons. It absolutely stunned me to see over 60 people there. 99% of them were like you, in their 20s. They were happy and it warmed my heart to see so many of them tackling their issue relatively early in life.
Just put one foot in front of another. Summon up all your courage and try a meeting. Especially a young persons meeting if they have them in your area.
I've learned that it's oftentimes not how often we drink but what happens to us after we take that first drink. I never did know how to control my drinking once I started. Every episode ended with me passing out.
I took a newcomer to a meeting the other night. It was an AA meeting for young persons. It absolutely stunned me to see over 60 people there. 99% of them were like you, in their 20s. They were happy and it warmed my heart to see so many of them tackling their issue relatively early in life.
Just put one foot in front of another. Summon up all your courage and try a meeting. Especially a young persons meeting if they have them in your area.
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