vegibean

And that's what it is. I don't know if it's me, the situation, denial... Not sure.

Being sober has made me a lot more aware of things, and I wonder, am I wanting to run? Or am I wanting to do what's best for me?

BF/Fiance' just doesn't seem like he's really ready (he's 43, never been married, no kids, we are engaged, he gave me a ring this past year ) I don't know what he's looking for. I just opened my IRA this year, opened a savings account with interest, and I'm still moving forward. I would like to live in a nicer place (this place is like a cave, no light), and he just sold it to his friend in England and told his friend he'd stay here AT LEAST A YEAR. Fine and good, but it's already been five months, and I don't see him wanting or having any goals to move forward. I just have this ring on my finger, and he doesn't seem to want to plan anything. We've been together for 2.5 years.

I'm 42, don't want to waste my time any more... I don't know.

I don't know what to think. Discussed with the therapist and she had lot's of good ideas, but even if I were to bring them up, I don't see him budging, he's "happy here" but I'm not. *sigh*

LadyinBC

This says everything. You need to do what is best for you. Some relationships we stay in because they feel "comfortable" and we know them. The unknown is scary. Things change when we become sober. For me, I don't have to please anyone but myself anymore. Might sound selfish, but I've spent the last 20 years please everyone else but me and doing things to make everyone else happy. Now I want to be happy and so do you. We deserve it.

MsJax

Vegi, I think with age comes the knowing our time is not infinite.

It is so easy to drift. I sure know what you are saying. You need to make things right for you and I suppose that will involve some discussion with your fiancé. You are progressing in your life, time passes in the blink of an eye. Don't "settle" cuz he's comfortable. You make your life all you desire. You can do it

ivegotsunshine

I have no answers. The longer I am sober the more I realized I dont know sht. I do want you to be happy tho! You are always so sweet and kind to others you deserve the best!

vegibean

MsJax, you're reading me loud and clear. He's a super great guy, very kind to me, probably one of the most considerate people I've even been with, but the fact that HE'S NOT READING me loud and clear is scary.

In this day and age, the economy, planning financially is crucial. Meh.

ivegotsunshine ~ thanks for your response, non the less, it was nice to read. You're very sweet also.

ClearLight

FunkyBean!
That doesn't mean anything - it just sounded great in my head.
Boy is that ever true.
Hey Veggie - I don't have any opinion about you staying with this guy or not.
I can offer this input from a guy's point of view in relationships. Lots of times we need to be told, bluntly, what our partners are thinking. Many times we need to be told more than once. Loudly and clearly.
I'm in therapy myself with a female therapist and I often have to tell her not to hold back on being very blunt with me.
Lot's of time guys just don't know what a woman is thinking.
If there is anything of value in that for you - great. If not... well at least it didn't cost anything!

noanxtime

I will give you my thoughts but not really any kind of reccomendation at all.
If I were over 40 (I am 50+), a ring and no real plans would disturb me greatly. He seems to think "that's good enough for her, so it's good enough for me". As you mentioned, his 'history' of not moving forward in his life is very telling. What makes you think he's now finally ready? Sorry, just my thoughts, again.
If you were in your early to mid/late 20's, I might say give him some time - not a lot, but a little. I might also suggest a mild 'ultimatum' i.e. moving forward with some wedding plans, looking at homes or places to live when it's time - and planned - to move out.
I don't think he's doing any of this to intentionally to drive you crazy or even drive you away. But the reality is - if it were me and at your age, I would be chocking this one up to experience and move on.

vegibean

Yeah, I agree too, and even in my owning reflecting and thinking today also, I thought, you know, it's not going to kill me to give him a little bit more time, I'm okay right here... now. But, not forever either.

Sh*t or get off the pot is how I feel about most things in life. You're either in, or you're out.

Thanks for all the input, it is good stuff to digest.

vegibean

Clear, I totally appreciate the man's point of view too. I think I pretty much have explained to him where I'm at right down to all I said to you all and that I NEED to plan financially, and I let him know that I need to know where he's at.

His response is sweet, but I don't here any strong intention, I think a lot of him is scared. I think we all know that being afraid of moving forward is what keeps us stuck, and when it comes down to it all, I don't want to be stuck, I want to keep moving forward.

Thanks again for your responses, good stuff.