I just gave up.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I just gave up.
No thought process involved.
My stepdad came back from Hungary, texted that he'd left some chocs and sausage from Nana on the doorstep so put in fridge. Bottle of Bulls Blood in there.
3 glasses and I feel sick as a pig. Chug chug chug who's to know?
Me. Now.
Stupid. Absolutely stupid. Ok I lied - there was a thought process it said, you've had a rough week, relax... Nana's just turned 80 it would be rude not to. You want to, you know you want to. You were never going to do this anyway.
Chug. Chug. Chug.
How crap do I feel right now? I'm still battling in my head. Don't be sorry it's fine. Do be sorry it's not fine. Be massively sorry to those that gave their support to you...
My biggest fear... Don't give up on me. Nobody could put me down right now more than I am putting myself down.
I don't even like red wine!
Pants. And post.
My stepdad came back from Hungary, texted that he'd left some chocs and sausage from Nana on the doorstep so put in fridge. Bottle of Bulls Blood in there.
3 glasses and I feel sick as a pig. Chug chug chug who's to know?
Me. Now.
Stupid. Absolutely stupid. Ok I lied - there was a thought process it said, you've had a rough week, relax... Nana's just turned 80 it would be rude not to. You want to, you know you want to. You were never going to do this anyway.
Chug. Chug. Chug.
How crap do I feel right now? I'm still battling in my head. Don't be sorry it's fine. Do be sorry it's not fine. Be massively sorry to those that gave their support to you...
My biggest fear... Don't give up on me. Nobody could put me down right now more than I am putting myself down.
I don't even like red wine!
Pants. And post.
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I remember thinking 'it would be rude not to' as well...many times...and then I'd be off on a binge for a week or so.
I wonder what people, my loved ones, would think if they saw the end product of that?
Our addiction lies. It will target that ambivalent part of ourselves - the part's that's still neither fish nor fowl.
You have to get a bit more canny at fighting the lies M - maybe look at what you've been doing for your recovery - is there stuff you can add?
Don't worry about us - the support here is indefatigable...just don't give up on yourself.
Dust yourself off and return to the new default position - sobriety
I wonder what people, my loved ones, would think if they saw the end product of that?
Our addiction lies. It will target that ambivalent part of ourselves - the part's that's still neither fish nor fowl.
You have to get a bit more canny at fighting the lies M - maybe look at what you've been doing for your recovery - is there stuff you can add?
Don't worry about us - the support here is indefatigable...just don't give up on yourself.
Dust yourself off and return to the new default position - sobriety
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Received 
No one here is going to put you down, MTN. That is not why we are here. We are here to support each other.
It does, however, make me sad, for you, and I hope you will put the drink down.
((hugs))
It does, however, make me sad, for you, and I hope you will put the drink down.
((hugs))
It's all gone. I drank it all in 3 large glasses (and a half). My plan was to keep it a secret and tell everyone how wonderful I was feeling in the morning. I'm no good with lies, life is hard enough as it is without spinning a web of deceit.
I'm going to put the kettle on and have a coffee as I feel a bit spinny.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Relapsing without thought or fight is one of the most frustrating aspects of recovery. I was king of this. I would devise plan after plan after plan, and they never worked against this lack of thinking. I have finally learned to take daily action to build up my defenses and center my mind on sobriety. I take stock of my drinking every morning and write out a new list of benefits every morning. For me, it is a process of continual action.
Anyway, I am glad to see you here and it is a normal part of the process...not required, but normal.
Anyway, I am glad to see you here and it is a normal part of the process...not required, but normal.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Hey MTN, good on you for being so upfront, here in the place where, as Dee so perfectly put it: 'the support is indefatigable'. It's the reason I come here!
I clocked a 'thanks' to your remark about just deliberately, choosing, deciding to drink for two reasons: one, because that's a central aspect of us having these damned brain circuits which have been re-wired towards alcohol. My second reason is that I too know full well that, virtually every time I've picked up again since June last year, I WAS choosing / deciding to do so. I couldn't hide behind that idea of 'oh, It just overtook me' (and there's a thousand ways to say that).
Now? This is the stinger: each of those first 6 - 8 times I chose to drink, I could put it down again, for a roughly a month. Fast forward to early this year, and the gaps between 'choosing' to drink have decreased. Currently, I'm doing maintenance drinking every day, and I cannot deny it.
So much so, I wait out each hour in the mornings or early afternoons, chanting all manner of AVRT / and other recovery mantras to and for myself. But I know full well that I have totally relapsed; hence, I have planned to call the rehab place I was in for a month last Jan 2012, and see if they have a bed for even just a few days detox in coming weeks. This will eff up my domestic arrangements no end (when you're totally alone, with just a dog), you can't alas just up and detox for a few days, at home or elsewhere.
My point is: you were doing so wonderfully gal! Remember the cuppas and the cross trainer (or whatever such things are lol)?
I'm behind you luvvie. Keep on talking to me, and us, here, and do whatever you know you need to. You and I and so many others here can all do this together.
Blessings,
Vic
I clocked a 'thanks' to your remark about just deliberately, choosing, deciding to drink for two reasons: one, because that's a central aspect of us having these damned brain circuits which have been re-wired towards alcohol. My second reason is that I too know full well that, virtually every time I've picked up again since June last year, I WAS choosing / deciding to do so. I couldn't hide behind that idea of 'oh, It just overtook me' (and there's a thousand ways to say that).
Now? This is the stinger: each of those first 6 - 8 times I chose to drink, I could put it down again, for a roughly a month. Fast forward to early this year, and the gaps between 'choosing' to drink have decreased. Currently, I'm doing maintenance drinking every day, and I cannot deny it.
So much so, I wait out each hour in the mornings or early afternoons, chanting all manner of AVRT / and other recovery mantras to and for myself. But I know full well that I have totally relapsed; hence, I have planned to call the rehab place I was in for a month last Jan 2012, and see if they have a bed for even just a few days detox in coming weeks. This will eff up my domestic arrangements no end (when you're totally alone, with just a dog), you can't alas just up and detox for a few days, at home or elsewhere.
My point is: you were doing so wonderfully gal! Remember the cuppas and the cross trainer (or whatever such things are lol)?
I'm behind you luvvie. Keep on talking to me, and us, here, and do whatever you know you need to. You and I and so many others here can all do this together.
Blessings,
Vic
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I remember thinking 'it would be rude not to' as well...many times...and then I'd be off on a binge for a week or so.
I wonder what people, my loved ones, would think if they saw the end product of that?
Our addiction lies. It will target that ambivalent part of ourselves - the part's that's still neither fish nor fowl.
You have to get a bit more canny at fighting the lies M - maybe look at what you've been doing for your recovery - is there stuff you can add?
Don't worry about us - the support here is indefatigable...just don't give up on yourself.
Dust yourself off and return to the new default position - sobriety
I wonder what people, my loved ones, would think if they saw the end product of that?
Our addiction lies. It will target that ambivalent part of ourselves - the part's that's still neither fish nor fowl.
You have to get a bit more canny at fighting the lies M - maybe look at what you've been doing for your recovery - is there stuff you can add?
Don't worry about us - the support here is indefatigable...just don't give up on yourself.
Dust yourself off and return to the new default position - sobriety
Obviously I wasn't too happy in my decision otherwise I wouldn't be crying and posting now.
I posted on the healthy eating thread earlier that I love the Polish shops, I can get all the ingredients my Hungarian Nana uses and that I can make a mean goulash and a porkolt and post pics on facebook and she is... Happy Nana smiley face...
You're right. I bet if she could see this thread it would sour her 80th.
I could have binned the bottle. I should have just smashed it on my outside drain. I should have done a lot of things. My stepdad (ex stepdad long story) was an alcoholic and he knows I have had massive drinking problems.
Maybe I've convinced myself and everybody else that I'm in a state of ok.
I am. And I'm not.
Dust myself off, look good, be strong... it all looks so easy through wine tinted glasses.
I've just read that back. Even I can see it makes no sense.
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
It's not about appearances or looking good.
Not letting people in on what was happening with me, and my gargantuan pride, nearly damn near killed me.
Dusting yourself off is about acknowledging that the old life is not what you want for yourself anymore...it's time to look forward not back
Have you got people you can reach out to M?
D
Not letting people in on what was happening with me, and my gargantuan pride, nearly damn near killed me.
Dusting yourself off is about acknowledging that the old life is not what you want for yourself anymore...it's time to look forward not back
Have you got people you can reach out to M?
D
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Originally Posted by Hanna
Chose <> Choose
Giving in for a moment does not having to mean throwing in the towel.
Giving in for a moment does not having to mean throwing in the towel.
I AM worth more than this, and it is so easy to say when innebriated that I will fight this BEAST to the death.
I just deserve a life. Drinking brings back so much self pity. I'm worth more than that.
Than this.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Dee74
It's not about appearances or looking good.
Not letting people in on what was happening with me, and my gargantuan pride, nearly damn near killed me.
Dusting yourself off is about acknowledging that the old life is not what you want for yourself anymore...it's time to look forward not back
Have you got people you can reach out to M?
D
Not letting people in on what was happening with me, and my gargantuan pride, nearly damn near killed me.
Dusting yourself off is about acknowledging that the old life is not what you want for yourself anymore...it's time to look forward not back
Have you got people you can reach out to M?
D
Well needless to say, I worked myself up into a complete frenzy, was battered before I left then broke down crying to them both that I didn't want to come and I didn't want to drink!
So I do, I have 2 lovely friends and a lovely Mum.
It's not been a topic of everday conversation though, so I don't want to tell them I drank a bottle of red wine and got hammered on saturday.
I am SO disappointed (not with drinking but with life) as I'd made great strides... I had a job. I miss that so much. I'd forgotten I had any self esteem, I'd forgotten that - hey I'm actually quite clever... I'd forgotten that - hey, I'm quite attractive.
I have no idea what I am on about now. My apologies. That's taken - what? Half an hour to write? Don't feel the need to reply because... I'm not sure where the conversation started.
I kind of miss the pitchfork.
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The drunken youtube....
Jane Says
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says (official live video) - YouTube
Jane says I aint never been in love, I don't know what it is, I only know they want me...
Ok. I'll stop now.
Sorry.
Jane Says
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says (official live video) - YouTube
Jane says I aint never been in love, I don't know what it is, I only know they want me...
Ok. I'll stop now.
Sorry.
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Location: UK
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I'm too old for this. My Special Brew addled 'dad' threw himself off a cliff when he was 45. I thought 45 was old when I was 18.
Ha... 37.... Time to kick this and stop being a child about it. Do or don't. There is no try.
I need to grow up. Now.
Ha... 37.... Time to kick this and stop being a child about it. Do or don't. There is no try.
I need to grow up. Now.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Posts: 1,254
"Egri Bikave"? (sp?) So long ago that my Hungarian friend started me on my drinking career. That was 40 years ago, and in that time, despite 90% being sober, after my first relapse I have had many.
Only now have I started treating each day as another battle to prepare for. They don't always come, but I have to be constantly aware that I am an alcoholic, and that is NEVER going to change. I will never "win" that war, but each day that I arm myself with tools to fight, and wake up aware that my first priority has to be sobriety...
We had an awful night tonight, my husband and I. It started with my last relapse about 3 months ago, ruined his wonderful plans for our 10th anniversary, I screwed up his birthday, basically no holidays, and on the 13th, took a drink, screwing up Valentines Day.
Tonight he was involved in a very acrimonious family mess BUT...I have started to place my sobriety (finally above all else)
I got a wonderful AA sponsor and am doing it all with her as a newbie (although I started AA in 1974). She will ONLY talk to my about my drinking.
Advised to get a therapist, I did, and to her I heave forth all the vitriol about husband, life, getting old...
In short, I gave up doing this on my own, and at every chance I am trying to break down my ego. It has kept me from doing what I should have so many years ago, and realize that I have the problem of addiction. It has stolen a lot of my life. But it has also made me understand and empathize with other addicts, people in trouble and be of some help here and there.
37!!! Oh if only I had stayed sober since 37. Many hugs, Pamel
Only now have I started treating each day as another battle to prepare for. They don't always come, but I have to be constantly aware that I am an alcoholic, and that is NEVER going to change. I will never "win" that war, but each day that I arm myself with tools to fight, and wake up aware that my first priority has to be sobriety...
We had an awful night tonight, my husband and I. It started with my last relapse about 3 months ago, ruined his wonderful plans for our 10th anniversary, I screwed up his birthday, basically no holidays, and on the 13th, took a drink, screwing up Valentines Day.
Tonight he was involved in a very acrimonious family mess BUT...I have started to place my sobriety (finally above all else)
I got a wonderful AA sponsor and am doing it all with her as a newbie (although I started AA in 1974). She will ONLY talk to my about my drinking.
Advised to get a therapist, I did, and to her I heave forth all the vitriol about husband, life, getting old...
In short, I gave up doing this on my own, and at every chance I am trying to break down my ego. It has kept me from doing what I should have so many years ago, and realize that I have the problem of addiction. It has stolen a lot of my life. But it has also made me understand and empathize with other addicts, people in trouble and be of some help here and there.
37!!! Oh if only I had stayed sober since 37. Many hugs, Pamel
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