I just gave up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow 
I'm too old for this. My Special Brew addled 'dad' threw himself off a cliff when he was 45. I thought 45 was old when I was 18.
Ha... 37.... Time to kick this and stop being a child about it. Do or don't. There is no try.
I need to grow up. Now.
Ha... 37.... Time to kick this and stop being a child about it. Do or don't. There is no try.
I need to grow up. Now.
Just keep that in mind.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I feel like I am defeating the beast, but if the wine fairie left a bottle on my step when no one else was home, I'm not sure I'd pass that test.
Get some sleep. This battle's over, but the war resumes tomorrow.
Get some sleep. This battle's over, but the war resumes tomorrow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Hey Pamel, no idea what egri bikave meant. Don't take that as a slight at all. The only Hungarian I know is learned words, not spellings so as a child would spell phonetically ...
edge, ketour, halrum, neege, huut, hot, heurt, nyort, kilenz, diz... 1-10 in Hungarian. It works when I speak but no idea how to spell!!
I also indulged my use of the language in any bar by pointing and saying astal, lampa, feke borsch... table, lamp, black pepper.
Who's not to be impressed?
I know I'm not my Dad. He was a C word. I worry sometimes that I can be cruel, but I don't abuse. My Dad was a very nasty piece of work, which is why I flung myself to the hippy side I think, but getting drunk numbed the pain.
There is nothing more boring than the ramblings of a drunkard. I apologise. I could make the best laid plans now and promise that I will stick to them
I'd rather do that in the morning sober though. I hold myself and myself only accountable for what has happened tonight. I'm not going to feel pretty waking up, so the first thing I will do is be happy, regardless of my head, my children deserve smiles.
DS will be off out with 'she's not my girlfriend' I have a huge garden... I think I will take DD out and dig for worms and bugs... I will remind myself all day that my headache is not their problem.
Right. Bedtime.
Thank you.
edge, ketour, halrum, neege, huut, hot, heurt, nyort, kilenz, diz... 1-10 in Hungarian. It works when I speak but no idea how to spell!!
I also indulged my use of the language in any bar by pointing and saying astal, lampa, feke borsch... table, lamp, black pepper.
Who's not to be impressed?
I know I'm not my Dad. He was a C word. I worry sometimes that I can be cruel, but I don't abuse. My Dad was a very nasty piece of work, which is why I flung myself to the hippy side I think, but getting drunk numbed the pain.
There is nothing more boring than the ramblings of a drunkard. I apologise. I could make the best laid plans now and promise that I will stick to them
I'd rather do that in the morning sober though. I hold myself and myself only accountable for what has happened tonight. I'm not going to feel pretty waking up, so the first thing I will do is be happy, regardless of my head, my children deserve smiles.
DS will be off out with 'she's not my girlfriend' I have a huge garden... I think I will take DD out and dig for worms and bugs... I will remind myself all day that my headache is not their problem.
Right. Bedtime.
Thank you.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
MTN, get back on the bike- the important thing is to learn from the experience. There is thinking and feelings involved. I have got better at navigating the terrain, and watching out for the crosswinds. it can be done- the trick is not to keep falling for the same old stuff- you deserve it, one off etc etc etc
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Get rest. You'll have a new perspective in the morning. Just chuck the immediate thoughts of guilt, shame and remorse...they won't serve you in your journey. New perspective and a plan of action to keep you on the right side of the road.
Be well.
Be well.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi MTN
Sorry to hear you've had a rough night. Don't give up though. You 've not wasted the last few weeks,you still have those sober. Hope you managed to get some sleep and tomorrow is a new day.It's not easy,very few get sober straight away, I've had lots of relapses. You CAN do this forget the past, don't feel guilty,just look on tomorrow as a new day and fresh start.sending you hugs .x
Sorry to hear you've had a rough night. Don't give up though. You 've not wasted the last few weeks,you still have those sober. Hope you managed to get some sleep and tomorrow is a new day.It's not easy,very few get sober straight away, I've had lots of relapses. You CAN do this forget the past, don't feel guilty,just look on tomorrow as a new day and fresh start.sending you hugs .x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I think you're going to be fine, MTN. It sounds to me like this last look inside the bottle has confirmed there's nothing but regret and disappointment inside. Stop beating yourself up, OK? What matters isn't the relapse, but what happens next. If you never drink again, I imagine you will be grateful for this moment. I have faith in you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hey MTN, I love reading your posts, you're a real asset to this community.
I was where you are last May, thought I'd thrown it all away, was worried that I'd let people down, that everyone would give up on me.....
All complete rubbish. I got nothing but love and support here, and that's what I'm reading here for you too. We get it. We understand.
Put down the drink. Get back on the wagon. We all have our hands out to give you that strength you need to make this work.
You can do this. You can come back stronger than before. I did, and so can you xxx
I was where you are last May, thought I'd thrown it all away, was worried that I'd let people down, that everyone would give up on me.....
All complete rubbish. I got nothing but love and support here, and that's what I'm reading here for you too. We get it. We understand.
Put down the drink. Get back on the wagon. We all have our hands out to give you that strength you need to make this work.
You can do this. You can come back stronger than before. I did, and so can you xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Egri Bikaver="Bull's Blood = a Hungarian red wine that first made me think drinking was fun....
Midlifecrisis, don't give up. Look around this site and see all the battles rageing and people giving support and help. You are one of us, and while the struggles are huge, so are the rewards. People who "give up" (and I am afraid they are most alcoholics) end up dead, kill someone, destroy their lives at least.
I have been at this since 1974 and one thing I can say is that I never gave up. I kept mostly sober, but many relapses; still, I am back again, joyously happy to start day 5 even though swirling around me is a mess of family problems, possible breakup with my husband and a very comfortable life, but I feel like I have finally broken down my ego enough to listen, and do what people tell me.
You keep writing here, so you may say you have given up, but you haven't.
Hugs to everyone who posts.
Midlifecrisis, don't give up. Look around this site and see all the battles rageing and people giving support and help. You are one of us, and while the struggles are huge, so are the rewards. People who "give up" (and I am afraid they are most alcoholics) end up dead, kill someone, destroy their lives at least.
I have been at this since 1974 and one thing I can say is that I never gave up. I kept mostly sober, but many relapses; still, I am back again, joyously happy to start day 5 even though swirling around me is a mess of family problems, possible breakup with my husband and a very comfortable life, but I feel like I have finally broken down my ego enough to listen, and do what people tell me.
You keep writing here, so you may say you have given up, but you haven't.
Hugs to everyone who posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
Mtn-
You have been such an amazing support to me. Yesterday I was having a bad day and didn't see your post until now. Uugghh... I am so sorry you chose to drink. I have been so incredibly close to drinking that I could taste it. Please check in and rememer: You chose to drink so thus you can choose not to drink also. The beast is powerful and he will use any opportunity to get what he wants. He snuck up and attacked while your guard was down and you made the error of engaging in battle with it. Of-course he won. Read RR about "relapses"... my book has a worksheet in it, not sure if it was in the original.
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP... That is just what the beast wants. Take care and check in soon, Jess
You have been such an amazing support to me. Yesterday I was having a bad day and didn't see your post until now. Uugghh... I am so sorry you chose to drink. I have been so incredibly close to drinking that I could taste it. Please check in and rememer: You chose to drink so thus you can choose not to drink also. The beast is powerful and he will use any opportunity to get what he wants. He snuck up and attacked while your guard was down and you made the error of engaging in battle with it. Of-course he won. Read RR about "relapses"... my book has a worksheet in it, not sure if it was in the original.
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP... That is just what the beast wants. Take care and check in soon, Jess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Surprise AZ
Posts: 293
I can feel your pain, right now my mind is doing everything it can to tell me its OK ti go out and get some brews. And it kinda feels like I wanna just say "F" it I need some beer... but I cant. Not today. Im gonna have to break it down by the day/hour/minutes if I have to but I am NOT going to drink today. Best of luck to ya MTN.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
So MTN!
What's Up? Did not post you yesterday cause it was the "I" day, you know the one that comes after we screw up! There should be a Universal Holiday for Alcoholics to beat themselves up----to reminisce and celebrate the "I" word.
"I" screwed up, "I" am so stupid, "I" feel like crap, "I" can't stand myself, "I" am a worthless human being.....and of course the "I" made the choice to drink!!!
SO WHAT--Your not the first and you won't be the last, it's part of being a drunk. What counts is your honesty to yourself about it, and your choice to not let it deter you from your ultimate goal "Sobriety"
Think of it this way every time we beat ourselves up about "relapse" that freakin inanimate bottle of booze all of a sudden becomes animated and is sitting in the chair across from us Laughing His A-- Off thinkin "gottcha"
I do not know about you but I will be damned if a Bottle is going to laugh at me...really!!
You will stop again and this time you will not let Alcohol get the better of you!
You get my drift--although I could have said it so much better, LOL!
Stay Strong MTN
What's Up? Did not post you yesterday cause it was the "I" day, you know the one that comes after we screw up! There should be a Universal Holiday for Alcoholics to beat themselves up----to reminisce and celebrate the "I" word.
"I" screwed up, "I" am so stupid, "I" feel like crap, "I" can't stand myself, "I" am a worthless human being.....and of course the "I" made the choice to drink!!!
SO WHAT--Your not the first and you won't be the last, it's part of being a drunk. What counts is your honesty to yourself about it, and your choice to not let it deter you from your ultimate goal "Sobriety"
Think of it this way every time we beat ourselves up about "relapse" that freakin inanimate bottle of booze all of a sudden becomes animated and is sitting in the chair across from us Laughing His A-- Off thinkin "gottcha"
I do not know about you but I will be damned if a Bottle is going to laugh at me...really!!
You will stop again and this time you will not let Alcohol get the better of you!
You get my drift--although I could have said it so much better, LOL!
Stay Strong MTN
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 896
Hang in there MTN, great words of advice here which I also have taken onboard. Hope you feel happier soon hun, big hugs to you.
This is my day 2 again so let's crack this together once and for all. X
This is my day 2 again so let's crack this together once and for all. X
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Ohhhhhhhhhhh.... What a wonderful bunch you are.
I couldn't face posting yesterday, absolutely mortified, embarrassed, ashamed... I had a quick peek earlier hoping my thread had dropped off the face of the planet and there it was on page 1! So I panicked, clicked back and 'prepared' myself...
Crikey what a waste of time that was eh? I am such a rubbish drunk too, I haven't read back yet, maybe I should. I will.
Needless to say I was feeling none too clever yesterday but as promised, paracetamol, grin on and up and out. We did stick to the garden and did some digging, chopping, frog hunting.
It was lovely to get up this morning and be in the shower at 7 and walking with DD to nursery at 8 in the sunshine.
I just feel like a muppet.
On Saturday at my Mum's I was having a weird one - we're booking a May Day bank holiday weekend away somewhere for me & kids, mum and partner and brother and his 2 children. It's going to be lovely. But all I could think about was come 6pm they'll crack the wine open. They know I can't drink for toffee, but they also know I can drink in moderation with them (a form of self torture for me - he's had more than me, is that it? Shouldn't we get another couple of bottles? Humph and off to bed in a bit of a sulk. I know you guys know) but I didn't want them to feel awkward or not drink, so I'd already convinced myself that I'd go through the moderation torture for 3 nights... eh??
Anyway.
I'm here. I haven't given up. I am so touched by your posts. I still feel like a prize prat... It's all been taken on board.
Much love and thank yous xxx
I couldn't face posting yesterday, absolutely mortified, embarrassed, ashamed... I had a quick peek earlier hoping my thread had dropped off the face of the planet and there it was on page 1! So I panicked, clicked back and 'prepared' myself...
Crikey what a waste of time that was eh? I am such a rubbish drunk too, I haven't read back yet, maybe I should. I will.
Needless to say I was feeling none too clever yesterday but as promised, paracetamol, grin on and up and out. We did stick to the garden and did some digging, chopping, frog hunting.
It was lovely to get up this morning and be in the shower at 7 and walking with DD to nursery at 8 in the sunshine.
I just feel like a muppet.
On Saturday at my Mum's I was having a weird one - we're booking a May Day bank holiday weekend away somewhere for me & kids, mum and partner and brother and his 2 children. It's going to be lovely. But all I could think about was come 6pm they'll crack the wine open. They know I can't drink for toffee, but they also know I can drink in moderation with them (a form of self torture for me - he's had more than me, is that it? Shouldn't we get another couple of bottles? Humph and off to bed in a bit of a sulk. I know you guys know) but I didn't want them to feel awkward or not drink, so I'd already convinced myself that I'd go through the moderation torture for 3 nights... eh??
Anyway.
I'm here. I haven't given up. I am so touched by your posts. I still feel like a prize prat... It's all been taken on board.
Much love and thank yous xxx
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