Midlifecrisis

Thanks

Midlifecrisis

I know it's twisted. I just don't know how I can go off and leave them. Leave hubby to look after 5 kids and have every ken gossip about me.

AngelBabe

Hi MLC,

You are here expressing how you feel and how you know what this addiction has done to you. That is the first step. The ones you take after are up to you. I was so afraid of the idea that I could never do something again that I let it continue to chip away at me until I was literally broken. There were times I just wanted to die because I had become so down on myself that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I did not feel pretty or desirable. I was just an empty shell who only continued to exist.

I had that wake up call moment and it happened due to something someone said to me. It just clicked and with that I decided that no matter what I was going to get clean and it has worked so far for the last 117 days. My drug of choice was alcohol but as my addiction and depression deepened I was mixing benzos and alcohol. I didn't know that in doing this my blood alcohol level could double but it does. I can attest first hand that I was in the ER with a .443 BAC in October of 2011 I was completely aware of what was going on and remember all of it. I should have been dead but it was not my time.

I did not have the option of going to inpatient rehab as I have kids and as a single mother with no other family in my state the only option I had was outpatient. I see a therapist weekly a psychiatrist monthly and go to AA two to three times a week. I still get urges now and again but when I have them I just tell myself to not ruin this for myself. I don't want to have to start this process over ever again.

In regards to having your husband give you the meds it could very well build resentments that may be hard to get over down the line. I hope you find your moment of clarity. We addicts are stronger than we think we are just look at how much damage we do to ourselves and then go back for another helping of it. Just remember that you are the only person that can make change happen for you. Don't do it for anyone else, do it for you.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. And that's exactly what I've always done.

I gave up meth/speed/pot/acid/alcohol/ecstasy/heroin/coffee 13 years ago because I fell pregnant. I gave up for him. Started smoking pot again after I finished feeding, quit again to get married and have another baby, had 5 babies all up, stayed stopped but was bulimic the whole time (loads of guilt there but luckily my babies are fine)....now for the first time in a long tkme I'm not feeding and or pregnant and don't plan to be and I have to do it for me. And the desire is not there. I have no idea how or why I should. As soon as I finished feeding I took up opiates/benzos/alcohol again /

I wish I could go to meetings but I can't.

Anna

You are behaving the way you are because you're an addict and there is absolutely no logic involved. I know that because I kept asking the same questions you are. It made no sense. But, that's what addiction is.

I don't like the idea of your husband holding your meds. I think it creates an unfair situation. It's not at all about will-power. It's about accepting that you are an addict and taking the steps you need to take care of yourself. You think an unlimited amount of drugs and alcohol would make you happy, but clearly it won't. We've all been where you are and I can tell you there is hope and there is a good life waiting for you.

Dee74

I must have missed this. Why not MLC?

D

Midlifecrisis

And the crazy thing is, I still have thoughts in my head that try to convince me that I'm not really an addict, I'm just being a drama queen and I should just stop it.

It's nice to talk to people that understand.

Do you mean unfair for my husband?

Midlifecrisis

Because there aren't any here.

Dee74

Oh ok - you must be further out in the bush than I thought

Have you considered online meetings at all?

D

Midlifecrisis

Haha yeah well, we have a post office, a pub and a cheese shop lol.....Oh, and lots of pumpkins . Not exactly tooooo far in the bush but an hour away from any AA meetings and probably
2.5 from NA (which is where I would choose to go and did when I was in the city.)
I'm sick of living out here but tbh it has probably been a blessing in disguise the way I am feeling lately (wanting to use drugs more readily
Available in the city.)

Yes I have considered online ones but have done nothing about it. I should.

Anna

I mean that it creates an off-kilter relationship. You're both adults. It shifts things when your husband becomes responsible for what you need to be responsible for. In the very short term, as Dee said, I can see it might be necessary, but I think you will begin to get better when you take responsibility for yourself. You can do that.

Midlifecrisis

But isn't that what we just can't do? I mean. If my husband hasn't taken my meds to Hervey Bay with him today, I would be swallowing and/or snoring them all day long.

That's what he said at first. He didnt want to babysit them because he wanted me to use willpower. I was just thinking that he didn't get it because he is Mr Moderation.

So you mean we can learn moderation/self control with mind altering substances?

AngelBabe

I think that maybe if you could get your husband to watch the kids just so you can try a meeting that you might be surprised and find he will be quite supportive. It has to be better than babysitting you and your pills. Many of the meetings where I live meet 8:30- 9:30pm. It does not work for me as a single mom to do late meetings but I do manage to juggle to make sure I get to the ones I do attend.

wiscsober

I agree with the short term solutions...whatever it takes to remain sober. Some times irrational thinking concerning alcohol and medications are the norm for people using in the midst of relapse. "A bit of alcohol with the drug won't hurt. I can control it, this is nothing compared to what I've been through, etc."

I don't need to know why you are taking valium.

There are drugs that block effects of opiates and curb alcohol cravings. But, even with these, I know of people who've stopped them so they can use, or even used/drank while taking them...which is extremely dangerous especially when opiates.

Best to you, and like others wrote, I would add to get a physical with blood tests, and be honest with your health care provider.

I hope recovery comes swift and sure to you, your husband, and family

Anna

I simply mean that if your husband is taking the responsibility for the Valium, then you aren't. You don't have to. This is only my personal opinion, but I don't think that will help you to recover. I know you're struggling and I'm not judging. For me, when I wanted to drink, I would have gone to any lengths to get alcohol. When my husband poured out what we had in the house, it didn't slow me down at all. I just changed my game plan.

sugarbear1

A proper medical detox and a rehab is one option for you.

Are you ready to stay stopped? Have you done anything to help yourself? Have you done a search on valium and alcohol? Yes, it can be lethal together and no other drug is needed to be added to the combination.

Read up on the following methods and start working with one:

Rational Recovery
AVRT
SMART
Life Ring
Power to Quit
Women for Sobriety
AA or NA

All have their own websites. If you don't do anything to help yourself, no one else will be able to help you, either.

I wish you sobriety.
With love & hugs,
~SB

Midlifecrisis

He would happily watch the kids, it's just that the meetings are so far away.

Midlifecrisis

I cringe at the cocktail of stuff I was taking last year. Valium, codeine, oxycodone, morphine, alcohol and even some phenerghan thrown in for good measure when I was desperate. I passed out so many times, I could have died. It scares me that I'll go back to being like that

You're right, it's just going to take honesty. Which is hard because then it limits me. Obviously. And that's the idea but I don't want to !!

Midlifecrisis

Oh I don't think you are judging at all, just trying to get exactly what you mean . That's what's good about this site. We've all been there hey.

And I know about changing the game plan. I need recovery because the next step in the game for me is the drug I really want which is heroin. I guess my mind tricks me into thinking, well it's just a bit of legal Valium, even if you're taking whatever times the prescribed dose and snorting it, it's not that bad...oh, and I'm entitled to have a social drink (ie. a whole bottle of champagne, I'm only small).....my head tries to tell me, well at least it's not smack/meth or even pot. At least you're not shooting up. It's all good.

Argh. The things those stupid voices say.

Thanks. I appreciate all of the time you guys take. It's good to get my head straight.

Midlifecrisis

I don't need a detox, I'm not physically addicted yet, the psychological kicks in immediately though! Rehab again maybe. I don't know/(. I'd never live it down in this tiny town

Yeah Ive read about the combination of benzos and alcohol but when I start I seem to think I'm invincible. Silly.

Thanks. I need to start working some mind of program. Definitely. Otherwise it will never change. Even if I stop drugs, I'll go back to bulimia which is killing me.