hurt and confused
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
hurt and confused
I recently (3 months) started dating a recovering alcoholic, 4 years sober. Things were so good in the beginning. He was kind and seemed like the most loving man I had ever met - immediately he seemed taken by our relationship. He talked about us being together for life. More recently, I noticed a tendency for him to lose patience with me easily, for small things.
This was my first time dating someone in recovery. I definitely had some inner hesitation. I felt myself at times falling hard for him, but the difference in our lives caused me to hold back, as well as these easy outbursts. He was still full of affection for me, though, most of the time.
2 weeks ago, on a special trip, we had a conflict over something he wanted to talk about, something outside of us that we had talked about a number of times. He found me unwilling to listen (true, we were on vacation, had just arrived, and I admit to not wanting to discuss the issue at that moment - perhaps I should have sucked it up). He lost patience with me again, this time it was uglier. It hurt.
Days after our trip, we talked about it, both of us expecting apologies, I think. We nearly broke up over this, and I explained to him some of my discomfort with stepping into his world. I told him I wanted to work it out, that I would be willing to become more involved in understanding his life, go to meetings, that we loved each other and that this was our first talk about understanding the differences between our lives. I was not going to hold back, I was going to give it my all.
Although it seemed he was receptive to this, and I thought I was on my way to my first meeting, he broke it off 2 days later, stating that he needed someone who understood him. I am heartbroken and shocked with how quickly things changed over one argument. Just a week ago he talked about an engagement ring and I was sure he loved me so much. Our first disagreement and he is gone - and on Valentine's Day
. I've never experienced such an abrupt change of events, and my present and future is suddenly uprooted.
Although I am quite sure that he won't return, and so this may be a moot point, if anyone has any insight that would help me understand what just happened it would be greatly appreciated. He ramped up the relationship so fast and then ended it just as quickly as he began it, and I am left holding a giant question mark.
This was my first time dating someone in recovery. I definitely had some inner hesitation. I felt myself at times falling hard for him, but the difference in our lives caused me to hold back, as well as these easy outbursts. He was still full of affection for me, though, most of the time.
2 weeks ago, on a special trip, we had a conflict over something he wanted to talk about, something outside of us that we had talked about a number of times. He found me unwilling to listen (true, we were on vacation, had just arrived, and I admit to not wanting to discuss the issue at that moment - perhaps I should have sucked it up). He lost patience with me again, this time it was uglier. It hurt.
Days after our trip, we talked about it, both of us expecting apologies, I think. We nearly broke up over this, and I explained to him some of my discomfort with stepping into his world. I told him I wanted to work it out, that I would be willing to become more involved in understanding his life, go to meetings, that we loved each other and that this was our first talk about understanding the differences between our lives. I was not going to hold back, I was going to give it my all.
Although it seemed he was receptive to this, and I thought I was on my way to my first meeting, he broke it off 2 days later, stating that he needed someone who understood him. I am heartbroken and shocked with how quickly things changed over one argument. Just a week ago he talked about an engagement ring and I was sure he loved me so much. Our first disagreement and he is gone - and on Valentine's Day
. I've never experienced such an abrupt change of events, and my present and future is suddenly uprooted.Although I am quite sure that he won't return, and so this may be a moot point, if anyone has any insight that would help me understand what just happened it would be greatly appreciated. He ramped up the relationship so fast and then ended it just as quickly as he began it, and I am left holding a giant question mark.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
welcome ddmbg.
I'm sorry things didn't work out but maybe it's better you found out now rather than later?
It's difficult to really say too much on the basis of one post, but if you broke up over one argument/conflict its probably fair to say chances are it really wasn't your dream relationship and his guy not your Prince Charming?
I'm not sure this is an alcoholic thing - it's easy to go with generalities when discussing those in recovery, but not everyone's the same - we all have different needs.
It does sound tho like there are 'issues' involved here with this guy, and if he's still looking for that certain someone who 'understands' him, so be it.
Find someone who understands you too.
Best wishes
D
I'm sorry things didn't work out but maybe it's better you found out now rather than later?
It's difficult to really say too much on the basis of one post, but if you broke up over one argument/conflict its probably fair to say chances are it really wasn't your dream relationship and his guy not your Prince Charming?
I'm not sure this is an alcoholic thing - it's easy to go with generalities when discussing those in recovery, but not everyone's the same - we all have different needs.
It does sound tho like there are 'issues' involved here with this guy, and if he's still looking for that certain someone who 'understands' him, so be it.
Find someone who understands you too.
Best wishes
D
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