ddrayer

So valentines day has always been a pretty crappy day. My mom passed away 5 and half years ago and her birthday was valentines day. in the past i always got drunk hard and early hoping to capture some emotion or giving myself an excuse to let myself cry. But what I have realized is that drinking only served to block the pain of losing her. Since I have been drinking since her death I have never let myself really experience the pain of her death. That means I never really gave myself a chance to grow and move on with life. By being sober in these moments I can feel the pain, which is the way I need to cope and learn and grow. Its hard for me because I don't want to feel like I'm forgetting her memory but I need to also be able to live my life. Anyway sobriety is letting me grow emotionally for the first time since I was an early teen and it has been decently rewarding so far.

As some know I made 32 days at the beginning of this year and then "went back out" for a couple nights. I am now on day 9 again. Anyway I spoke to a friend on the phone for the first time time in 3 yeears. within 5 min she asked what had changed with me. She said I sounded lighter and more positive than she had ever heard. I think its clear to those around me that I am making some real changes and thats very nice to see.

Thank you to everyone for helping me in this journey. For anyone struggling with the decision to get sober, so far, even though its been a challenge, I can say my days of sobriety have been infinitely more rewarding than those when I was drinking. It has been worth it so far, and I hope that I can keep this resolve for many more 24 hour periods to come.