Novemberphoenix

Depression has me by the throat today. My life looks bleak, there is no light at the end of the tunnel that I can see. I don't want to do this anymore.

In addition to the way I'm feeling I had a blowout with my daughter and realize now that there just isn't anyway that our prospective living arrangement is going to work out. I made the mistake of pointing something out to her that she didn't want to hear and she went ballistic on me. Should have kept my damn mouth shut! She said she didn't want me putting her under a microscope and that it wasn't my business and that she feels now that she shares too much with me and to leave her the hell alone. So I did. She'd heard what I said to her as judgment and that wasn't my intention.

I feel useless and meaningless, the walking damned. Nothing I do seems to work out anymore, and its near impossible to do much of anything to begin with. I feel defined by depression, brokenness and failure today. No matter all the work I've done on myself over the years it always seems to come back to this godawful darkness - I'm tired of trying, and I don't know where to go anymore - I'm tired and I hurt.

Marie

Anna

Hi Novemberphoenix,

I'm sorry for the position that you are in right now and your sad feelings. I think you are early in recovery and this is a time when things are changing. Try to be patient with yourself. I know when I was dealing with my children as older teens/young adults it was a very hard time. They seemed to reject everything I said and I felt useless too. In fact, after they moved out, things improved immensely and quickly. That could be part of your problem. As for the depression, have you talked to your dr. Maybe medication would help. St. John's Wart is also helpful for some people. The thing is that I understand how you feel tired, but you can keep going and you need to keep going. There is a purpose to your life.

Love, Anna

Justme57

Good Morning Marie ! (((((((HUGX))))))))

Maybe now would be great time to get one of those big GOD bags mentioned at the meeting yesterday ( my time! lol) No harm in giving it a go eh?

This too will pass my friend

HUGX
Lee

wingsfree

Marie, my heart goes out to you, I wish I was right there with you, I'd hug you so hard. And guess what there is a light at the end of this tunnel, open your eyes girl, look harder. I get tired of trying too, but that's the easy way out, we are woman, so that makes us pretty darn strong, through all the blah bad stuff, we keep picking ourselves up, and keep moving forward, no looking back, forward. I've been wallowing in depression for some time too, a good friend of mine the other day told me to KNOCK IT OFF, stop feeling sorry for myself, make baby steps, get out of the past, so it has helped me some what, her saying that to me face to face has helped. I wish I knew what to say to you to help you, push you out of depression, cause it stinks real bad feeling that way, lower then a snake's belly in a wagon rut, not a good place to be, so come on Marie, pull yourself up, grab hold of my hand.

As far as your girl goes, it is your business, and always will be. I know what a burden the little darlins can be at times, they love to push us at times, especially girls..hmmm do they take after their Mom's, I wonder?

Cheer up Marie, look for the little things, usually that's what makes us the happiest. Go for a long walk, run if you have to, get the blood pumping in your body.

Hang in there (((((Marie))))) love and hugs, and extra prayers.....Denise

shyQcodep

******{Marie}}}}

If I read your profile correctly, you've got 12 days clean now. Way to go on the 12 days !

Now about those feelings..... I've had more than a few that I haven't liked so far, and I know there's tough stuff still to come. I don't really believe the promises in my heart, but folks with ***lots*** more time than I have tell me that the dark stuff can lift in time if we do the footwork. Now I just wish that the footwork didn't hurt so much

James

indigo

November,
I would just like to add my two cents and say that all the women above are great people and i go with them

indigo

Dan

Yep. We have to pay the full price of admission to the show.

In memory of miracle

((((marie)))) I feel ya! Some days just stink,I know..When I feel that way I try to break it down to one day at a time and walk thruogh it.Hang in there.I am pullin for you! Love,Trish Prayers to you..

mackat

hello marie
life on life's terms....some days aint so golden. Here's some stuff they told me in NA that helped:
There isn't any situation so bad that i can't make a lot worse by using over.

re kids- i was at a AA/Al Anon retreat a few years ago..had my 9 yr old with me. It was not pretty! A guy walked up to me [he was dying, i found out later] and told me he had watched me with my son and asked me if i had ever thought of treating my boy as if he was a newcomer in the rooms. You know,share my experience , strength and hope. Love on ya til you learn to love yourself. Powerlessness...that sorta stuff. Man. What a revelation!
glad you are here and sharing your truth
mackat

Little Missy

Good Morning Marie!

I hope our little chat helped you get through work yesterday! Today is a new day, full of bright possibilities! Hope you're feeling better!

Love and Hugs to you,
Missy

wingsfree

Hi Marie....as Missy just said, I hope you're feeling a bit better about things today.

Sending lots of love, hugs, and many prayers your way....Denise

mnj1024

Hi (((marie))) sorry to hear about the misunderstanding with your daughter. mabey this was a sign though that you weren't ready to move just yet. It might be better you have this time now to work this out with your daughter before you had already made that committment. It seems things hardly ever go exactly the way we plan or expect. That's one of the wonderful things about life, how much fun would it be if we knew everything was going to happen to us? Live each day to the fullest and appreciate all of its small miracles. I understand your feelings about your current living situation because I am there too, but your time will come. you know your in my thoughts and prayers, hope today is better for you.
mike

Chy

One step forward is alway's better then two steps back. Marie, don't be so hard on yourself. Look at the accomplishments you've made recently. Don't confuse your self worth with relationship issues. All of our daughters make us crazy and I've come to the realization, my daughter isn't going to hear a damn thing I think or I tell her until she's walked her own path and figured out those lessons along the way. At that time, we'll be able to communicate on the same level.

Unless she's very young and needs your guardianship, she has to listen. If she's old enough to leave the nest, hand her a parachute and push her now, no matter how hard it hurts. It's hard damn hard being a parent now days. ( Now I sound like MY mom)

Just because she won't listen, do it your way, or even oblige you and listen doesn't make it all bad. We have to learn to let go Marie, and is so doing, we can't take it back either. It will defeat the purpose.

I've seen many positive changes in you that YOU should be proud of. Look at yourself under the microscope and see how you've changed. Maybe then, you'll begin to feel better about things.

Dan

I look at my six year old daughter with the same eyes as you. The love, trust, fear are all part of parenthood. I foresee a future with my baby girl that will be anything but routine. I pray for the strength to be able to take a step back when it will become evident it's the only thing I can do. And to be able to find in that stepping back a reflection of my love for her. This is just another note the Universe is sounding for you Marie. Play along, as mac would say, in concert.

Novemberphoenix

Anna, Lee, Denise, James, Indigo, Dan, Trish, Mackat, Missy,Mike and Chy.

Thank you all for your love and support it has been of great help to me. It is true I had lost myself in my relationship with my daughter, she has for so long been my purpose for living and how she sees me is how I have defined myself to a large extent. She knows me well and has the ability to hit the bulleye when she starts taking pot shots and yesterday she launched some poisoned arrows andI took them for all the reasons I know I have not been the mother I would have liked to have been, for all the mistakes I have made in the past and for all the judgments I'd been harboring about my current circumstance. Coupled with that was my deep seated guilt and anger over the loss of my own mother, which until a good friend got to talking with me last night I was not fully aware of.

I've been a very angry woman for a long time, and the bottom line I came to find out was Self-Forgiveness. My relationship to Spirit has been hampered these last few years because I blamed Spirit and I blamed myself ultimately for not having things go the way I wanted them to when my mother died. I'd wanted what I wanted - period. And that particular temper tantrum has cost me a great deal. I have been killing myself with rage and anger. That is going to stop. I'm not sure how to go about forgiving myself, but I know that I am willing, I am also coming to realize that Spirit honored my mother in her passing in the best way for her and what was best for her was also best for me.
It is time to mend my relationship with Spirit as well.

Knowing that you were all thinking of me and adding your prayers to mine - I am deeply grateful. I have returned to some measure of sanity today and will continue to rise.

Denise - still feel your hand.
Lee - going to get that bag out today - promise!
Dan - the freaking show better be worth it!!! Yeah I know it is.
Missy - thank you for yesterday's chat - helped get me to work.

Gooch! You rule and you know why! :heart

I love you all so very much, your friendship, love and support means more than I can say. I have a grateful heart today thanks to all of you.

Marie :bemine

Dan

O.K everyone. Phoenix is flyin' again! Very cool.

Novemberphoenix

(((Dan)))

You do have a way of making me smile! 8-)

Marie

wingsfree

((((Marie)))))...you keep flying girl, let your wings take you where ever you need to be. ((((Marie)))) I'm holding your hand tight, reach out, I'm touching my screen now, and it's warm. Love you girl, hugs.

Yepper our (((((((Dan)))))))) is a sweetheart, hugs.

Novemberphoenix

Thanks Denise!

I feel ya! Good stuff!

Love you too.

Marie aka Novemberphoenix

scottsdaletom

Hey Phoenix,

You can see there are a lot of people here who care for you, that should be something to grasp onto.

Couple of things. Your daughter, sounds like she is of the age where she is trying to spread her wings and find out who she is, who she is going to become, and a big mistake we as parents make is treating our older children as we did when they were young. What is happening is they don't really know who they are, the only thing they know is they aren't you! As parents our role is to be there for them, but not to run their lives (or even give a lot of un-solicited advice) as when we hold on too tight or are too judgmental or critical what they interpret this to mean is we do not trust them to be the people they are to become. And if we don't trust they have the skills and intelligence to become who they are meant to be, they lose faith in themselves. We need to step away, allow them to make mistakes, learn, grow, etc, yet be there when they need us, when they are wanting to communicate with us. It is a very very tough job. But, once I realized this with my own 17 year old son, it transformed our relationship immediately. We had a rough spot a few years ago because I was pressing too hard, being the same parent I was when he was young, and once I had the realization that our problem was ME, I sat him down and told him exactly what I have told you, and added that I DID trust him to be whomever he was destined to become, and had ultimate faith in his ability to become that person. It was a magical transformation. Fyi for you to consider.

Regarding your depression, understand that this is not your true, authentic self feeling depressed. Your true, spiritual self if you will, is only the observer as you face life's lessons. If you have been really noticing your depression, especially lately, ask yourself - is the noticer depressed?

Hang in there, Phoenix. You sound like a wonderful person and it appears there are many friends here for you!