BabyJane

So I say the serenity prayer all the time at meetings and I'm still not sure about the "wisdom to know the difference" part. Acceptance does seem to be getting easier but many times I feel that I accept things I shouldn't or push too hard trying to change things I need to give up.

To sum it up, I'm tired of working dead end, low paying jobs where I get treated like crap. I've been doing that for 15 years and I've worked hard at times but I'm burnt out on customer service. Literally so over it I get bored and depressed. I have most of a college education but every time I've tried to get back into school there has been a problem. First the university was too crowded and then my class wasn't offered for a semester. Now they said there was a problem with my application but wouldn't tell me what on earth it was. I even went in and met with a counselor before deadline and was told everything was fine and I was basically in. I'm not. I got a rejection again. I was I good academic standing when I left. I paid my tuition. No issues. I just can't seem to get back in. It's not an IVY league school it's a state university.

I tried to join the military. Too many people and my DUI was a problem so I paid a lawyer to try to get it off my record and the DA said no it hasn't been long enough. 5 years?! No other legal issues. I'm sober. I have more than paid my dues there. I tried to get into ATC school or finish flight school. No funding available. I would have had to pay the whole 60k myself. Don't have it.

I applied for paid and unpaid internships in my areas of study / interest. Was ignored, blown off, denied, etc. I sent in more than 50 job applications resumes only to be told I'm either "under qualified" or "over qualified" for every single one. I can't even afford to keep working these crappy jobs unless I leave the state and then I'll have no insurance and I'm having a baby in August (unplanned I was on birth control).

I'm just.... I am so close to giving up you guys. Everyone told me sobriety would be better? I suppose it is better but not easier. Not at all. More stress and less ways to forget about my situation. Do I accept it? Then what? Continue to work jobs I absolutely hate for most of my life? Im 30. I need to get it together. I've wasted so much time. I just don't know what to do. I can't deal with anymore doors slammed in my face!!!!

I want a drink or something so so bad. I hate this.

Fallow

Hi BabyJane,

I hear you on the serenity prayer. Sometimes I question it all too. I can accept the things I cannot change better than ever. I don't know what I should have the courage to change, besides staying sober. Theres lots of crossroads visible now that the fog of addiction is lifting. I know the difference but which way to go?

I sympathize that you are going thru a rough time. Drinking couldn't possibly relieve any stress though. It will only delay stress and add to it exponentially.

When Im stressed now Im just thankful I have a chance to work through it sober. Everything I want isnt going to happen, and certainly not right when I want it.

I just need to stay in today.

You are young at 30! Im young at 34! We can stay sober . No going backwards.

Fallow

Oh I just saw you are having a child. Congrats! Certainly a stressful time especially with money concerns. Mine is 2 and I still stress about it all. But hearing her laugh makes a lot of it better! Stay strong...

Dee74

Hi Jane

I think it gets easier with time to know which things we can do something about and those we can't.

Employment and stuff like that is definitely something you can change tho - don't give up...I'd definitely be looking for any study and work opportunities you can - and get a straight answer from your college - you have a right to know what happened there.

Sometimes it takes a while to get things sorted out...much of my first year was sorting out the mess of 20 years being a drinker (personal, professional and emotional) but I got there...you will too

Drinking won't help you make any of these dreams happen - but sobriety will
Believe in yourself

D

janiebluebird

I can completely relate to you. I am 28 and I have two Bachelor's degrees. Unfortunately, a Bachelor's degree doesn't get ya very far these days, in this economy, and in the NYC area - I'm sure San Diego isn't too much different. Everything is incredibly competitive, so many jobs want a freakin second language now. So many places want to pay like $12 an hour to college graduates! Its out of control. I feel like I have wasted so much time, I'm only getting older, and I have to have time to work...I ended up getting a second Bachelor's degree because I wanted to change directions in pursuit of higher education, but its all so long and drawn out. I feel old and I STILL have to stay in school?! I have also messed up a good amount of opportunities due to my drinking - jobs I either quit or can't use as references anymore.

I honestly have been thinking about going abroad to teach english for a while and just trying to clear my head and figure things out over there. Its too expensive to live where I am for the amount of money these companies are offering. Its like, if you don't have a professional degree or own your own business, forget about living comfortably.

No matter what, though, you'll be able to get yourself closer to where you need to be sober. This is actually my driving cause to maintain sobriety. This is not where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

YouRmySunshine

^ Well said! Thank you

sugarbear1

If you give up, I might as well, too.

Yes, it is not the life I imagined, but it is much better than living the way I was. I know deep down you know this is true for you, too.

No, we can't give up now. Sobriety IS worth it. WE are worth sobriety, as difficult as it is. There's something waiting for us out there!!

With love & hugs,
~sb

escapist

The only thing that could make your story tragic is if you broke down and got wasted . I am sorry you are having a hard time. I can imagine. My daughter switched schools. Should I say tried to switch schools. They accept her and at the last minute there is a problem. She is really frustrated and depressed. Listening to her explain it all makes me frustrated. I tell her not to give up. So I am going to tell you the same thing. Don't give up.

sugarbear1

We can do what we can do----keep applying, keep searching, keep doing what we can to get that employment where we can be useful and accept that it will come, accept where we are, keep an attitude of gratitude.

Maybe search for scholarships or grants and keep forging forward.

doggonecarl

I don't know how much of the hole you are in was due to your drinking. But now that you are sober, you still have to dig yourself out. Recovery takes a plan. So does meeting any goal. If you want a better job, there are ways to get one. Make it a goal and create a plan to achieve it.

And you are right, no one said sober was easy. But at least now you are in a position to achieve something. What did you achieve drinking?

Huglets

Aw BabyJane, so sorry you're struggling right now. I understand your frustration, I feel like I'm living it too right now! But a drink does nothing but cause further destruction.

I lost my job in December because of my drinking. Still unemployed and have been struggling lately with thoughts of F#&# it.....I might as well drink. It hasn't been a physical craving, it's been borne more out of frustration.

I love that part of the Serenity Prayer "courage to change the things I can". To me, that means getting out of my comfort zone. To feel the uncertainty right now. Now, that's courage! Drinking to me is a cop-out. It's my default when I'm frustrated. Sure, it's not exactly delightful to go through but that's what "courage to change the things I can" means to me.

Keep pursuing your dreams. If you're anything like me, you want to snap your fingers and everything falls into place. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way...I'm still working on accepting that!!

escapist

Maybe all of this delay is somehow for the best. You are pregnant. In a few months your life is going to be so different. That is one certainty you can count on. Try not to get worked up.