I Joined SR 1 Year Ago Today
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
I Joined SR 1 Year Ago Today
I coincidentally realized I joined SR exactly one year ago today. The place that I was in one year ago today was pretty bad, I had been recovering from a bender in which I stayed up all night drinking/drugging the a day or two before.
I haven't stayed sober this entire year, but being a part of this community had profoundly changed my knowledge and views about alcoholism and getting help. I had several 30-day stints of sobriety, which is more that any other year since I have been 16 years old (28 now).
I see my greatest barrier to "staying" stopped is not seeking/accepting outside help/AA. I drove to a meeting tonight. I really thought I would go into it. I have done this before but was so scared in the past that I parked around the block. This time I told myself that I would AT LEAST watch the people walking into the building, as I read on here that someone else did a few times before they finally went into a meeting. So, I parked on the same street as where the meeting was being held, but unfortunately there was a parking lot and everyone must have been parking in there. I didn't see anyone walking over. Just seeing the cars going into the lot caused my body to flood with nervous energy. I kept trying to talk myself into it. I took off my seatbelt and turn off my car. I even tried to start a thread on SR from my smartphone but I couldn't figure it out.
I feel stupid sitting here saying how scared I am to go into a meeting, with all the wonderful advice and support that I have received on here about it. I told myself that the worst that could happen would be I'd get a bad cup of coffee. That it would be over in an hour. That I never had to go back if I didn't want to. I'm so sick of not just doing it. I get paralyzed with fear. This is also what leads to my binge-drinking problem. I feel uncomfortable in social situations so I numb it out.
I also had to question whether or not I am at a point of acceptance that this is indeed what I want and maybe that is also subconsciously holding me back. I reasoned with myself outside in the car, well its a Wednesday night, its not like I'm going to drink tonight anyway-why not go in on a weekend when I am having those temptations?
Its redundant and annoying at this point. I wish that someone would force me to do it. Argh I just hate feeling awkward and I was also getting nervous if it would be like cliquey with people who do know each other.
Has anyone else wrestled with this fear and found a way of finally pushing through it and walking through those doors? I honestly don't know if my legs would have even physically walked into the door thats how scared I felt.
I haven't stayed sober this entire year, but being a part of this community had profoundly changed my knowledge and views about alcoholism and getting help. I had several 30-day stints of sobriety, which is more that any other year since I have been 16 years old (28 now).
I see my greatest barrier to "staying" stopped is not seeking/accepting outside help/AA. I drove to a meeting tonight. I really thought I would go into it. I have done this before but was so scared in the past that I parked around the block. This time I told myself that I would AT LEAST watch the people walking into the building, as I read on here that someone else did a few times before they finally went into a meeting. So, I parked on the same street as where the meeting was being held, but unfortunately there was a parking lot and everyone must have been parking in there. I didn't see anyone walking over. Just seeing the cars going into the lot caused my body to flood with nervous energy. I kept trying to talk myself into it. I took off my seatbelt and turn off my car. I even tried to start a thread on SR from my smartphone but I couldn't figure it out.
I feel stupid sitting here saying how scared I am to go into a meeting, with all the wonderful advice and support that I have received on here about it. I told myself that the worst that could happen would be I'd get a bad cup of coffee. That it would be over in an hour. That I never had to go back if I didn't want to. I'm so sick of not just doing it. I get paralyzed with fear. This is also what leads to my binge-drinking problem. I feel uncomfortable in social situations so I numb it out.
I also had to question whether or not I am at a point of acceptance that this is indeed what I want and maybe that is also subconsciously holding me back. I reasoned with myself outside in the car, well its a Wednesday night, its not like I'm going to drink tonight anyway-why not go in on a weekend when I am having those temptations?
Its redundant and annoying at this point. I wish that someone would force me to do it. Argh I just hate feeling awkward and I was also getting nervous if it would be like cliquey with people who do know each other.
Has anyone else wrestled with this fear and found a way of finally pushing through it and walking through those doors? I honestly don't know if my legs would have even physically walked into the door thats how scared I felt.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Hi Janie,
It's good to see you.
I think we've all dealt with lots of fear when we decide to stop drinking. I don't use AA meetings, but I was terrified of not having alcohol available to get through the night. And, you're right, your addict voice is doing it's best to convince you that you don't need help. That's what the voice does. But, you recognize the voice now and that's a big step towards learning to dismiss it.
I hope you do whatever you need to make recovery work for you.
It's good to see you.
I think we've all dealt with lots of fear when we decide to stop drinking. I don't use AA meetings, but I was terrified of not having alcohol available to get through the night. And, you're right, your addict voice is doing it's best to convince you that you don't need help. That's what the voice does. But, you recognize the voice now and that's a big step towards learning to dismiss it.
I hope you do whatever you need to make recovery work for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 70
Janie, I'm not an all-round gung ho advocate of AA, but I do go to meetings when I'm feeling especially close to the edge, or after coming off a binge. I remember, before my very first meeting, how scared I was when I parked near the church where it was being held and saw the AA sign out front. I felt like I would be walking into another dimension or something. I did manage to walk in, though, and I am glad I did. You can be as inconspicuous as you like. Recede into the background, find an out of the way chair, and just listen. Many meetings have a sign up list for speakers, bit some call on folks randomly. If that happens to you, just say 'I'm just here to listen today, thanks' and no on will think worse of you. Walking in is the hardest part. I hope you go into that meeting, even if you're a bit late; you won't disrupt things. Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Thanks, yeah, I want to go into one just to know what its like. I get nervous about being asked questions and what not. Or not wanting to be there once I'm in there. I know I'm going to feel a million times better if I just freaking do it. I get closer ever time, though. I do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I was like you just a couple weeks ago. I finally went.
Here's how it went my first time:
After we were all seated, it began. The guy at the podium (it was in a church) started speaking about general "meeting minutes" stuff. Next week's food drive will be at 4:30pm, the date for our monthly pot-luck at the rec center has been changed to Tuesday, ask Georgina about the art project if you have any questions - etc, etc.
Next the meeting leader started some general chit-chat about rules, once again more or less basic lecture stuff.
Then came the main event - the lead speaker. He spoke for about 30 minutes about a particular "Big Book" step or topic, I'm not sure which. This time it was about "Justified Anger". I am sure the lead speaker was given advanced notice to speak on this topic because he had a story prepared. Also, when the moderator introduced the speaker and the topic, everyone chuckled - as if they knew this guy and boy oh boy was this gonna be kooky. It wasn't kooky, really. Just a young man talking about his trip to Israel and some of the stupid things he did there. And how now, he can see that his anger was not justified etc.
Of course I know nothing about where the "Justified Anger" topic comes from, nor do I have any relevant piece of information telling me where they found it...I'm just assuming the Big Book, which I have but do not read.
Then people were selected "at random" (this means they put their names in a hat before the meeting) to speak on the topic. They all gushed about the lead speaker and then said a few words about their own experiences with this Big Book "justified anger" thing. One of them said she used to slam her bedroom door, but now she doesn't because of AA. Also, I believe there was a woman in front of me texting on her phone at that time - attention span was pretty thin for some people that's for sure.
Finally, after more announcements about various projects and upcoming activities, we all stood together and said the serenity prayer, which I actually do know the words to. We held hands and said it together. And that was it. No crying sob stories, no breakdowns, no tears.
Afterwards a few folks who noticed I was new came up and talked to me, they were interested in helping me get a sponsor and so forth. I actually did end up meeting up with a few of them the next evening, but it felt a bit forced so I kind of buried the AA thing for a while.
Hope that helps! For the record, I'm glad I went, even if I didn't have a good time at least i know what more to expect.
Good luck!
Here's how it went my first time:
After we were all seated, it began. The guy at the podium (it was in a church) started speaking about general "meeting minutes" stuff. Next week's food drive will be at 4:30pm, the date for our monthly pot-luck at the rec center has been changed to Tuesday, ask Georgina about the art project if you have any questions - etc, etc.
Next the meeting leader started some general chit-chat about rules, once again more or less basic lecture stuff.
Then came the main event - the lead speaker. He spoke for about 30 minutes about a particular "Big Book" step or topic, I'm not sure which. This time it was about "Justified Anger". I am sure the lead speaker was given advanced notice to speak on this topic because he had a story prepared. Also, when the moderator introduced the speaker and the topic, everyone chuckled - as if they knew this guy and boy oh boy was this gonna be kooky. It wasn't kooky, really. Just a young man talking about his trip to Israel and some of the stupid things he did there. And how now, he can see that his anger was not justified etc.
Of course I know nothing about where the "Justified Anger" topic comes from, nor do I have any relevant piece of information telling me where they found it...I'm just assuming the Big Book, which I have but do not read.
Then people were selected "at random" (this means they put their names in a hat before the meeting) to speak on the topic. They all gushed about the lead speaker and then said a few words about their own experiences with this Big Book "justified anger" thing. One of them said she used to slam her bedroom door, but now she doesn't because of AA. Also, I believe there was a woman in front of me texting on her phone at that time - attention span was pretty thin for some people that's for sure.
Finally, after more announcements about various projects and upcoming activities, we all stood together and said the serenity prayer, which I actually do know the words to. We held hands and said it together. And that was it. No crying sob stories, no breakdowns, no tears.
Afterwards a few folks who noticed I was new came up and talked to me, they were interested in helping me get a sponsor and so forth. I actually did end up meeting up with a few of them the next evening, but it felt a bit forced so I kind of buried the AA thing for a while.
Hope that helps! For the record, I'm glad I went, even if I didn't have a good time at least i know what more to expect.
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Thanks for that, bigsombrero! Yeah I am nervous about being approached, I guess because I'm not even sure what I want and I HATE getting roped into things. Even making plans with people who aren't in my very close group of friends makes me hesitant because I just don't know if I'll want to follow through.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by janiebluebird 
Even making plans with people who aren't in my very close group of friends makes me hesitant because I just don't know if I'll want to follow through.
I'm that way even with my close friends Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
Just remember, every person at whatever meeting you pick has gone through the experience of walking into their first meeting. They will understand how you feel.
At some meetings people go around the room and introduce themselves. You don't have to say you are an alcoholic, although you will notice most people will identify themselves that way. You can just say "I'm and this is my first meeting." At other meetings they simply ask if there are any newcomers who want to introduce themselves. It is up to you if you want to say hello. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I would suggest trying a speaker meeting first. Check online for meetings in your area, there will likely be a key as to what type of meeting it is. There are some "Big Book" meetings or "Step Study" meetings, and while you may come to enjoy those types of meetings, they might be considered somewhat advanced (for lack of a better term). You may get more out of just listening to someone speak, which is usually done in the framework of what is was like (when drinking), what happened, and what life is like now (otherwise commonly referred to as experience, strength and hope.)
There is a lot of debate about AA, here and elsewhere. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it. But you need to go check it out to find out. Talk about suiting up and showing up - it doesn't get more real than a group of people trying to stay sober and to help others achieve sobriety.
At some meetings people go around the room and introduce themselves. You don't have to say you are an alcoholic, although you will notice most people will identify themselves that way. You can just say "I'm and this is my first meeting." At other meetings they simply ask if there are any newcomers who want to introduce themselves. It is up to you if you want to say hello. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I would suggest trying a speaker meeting first. Check online for meetings in your area, there will likely be a key as to what type of meeting it is. There are some "Big Book" meetings or "Step Study" meetings, and while you may come to enjoy those types of meetings, they might be considered somewhat advanced (for lack of a better term). You may get more out of just listening to someone speak, which is usually done in the framework of what is was like (when drinking), what happened, and what life is like now (otherwise commonly referred to as experience, strength and hope.)
There is a lot of debate about AA, here and elsewhere. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it. But you need to go check it out to find out. Talk about suiting up and showing up - it doesn't get more real than a group of people trying to stay sober and to help others achieve sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by janiebluebird
Thanks for that, bigsombrero! Yeah I am nervous about being approached, I guess because I'm not even sure what I want and I HATE getting roped into things. Even making plans with people who aren't in my very close group of friends makes me hesitant because I just don't know if I'll want to follow through.
But still.....I know I need to try more. Just because this particular situation wasn't ideal - the truth is, it wasn't the end of the world. And I left the meeting feeling better for having done it, for having gone outside of my comfort zone!
You should give it a go! That first step through the door is the hardest, but when you walk out that door you will be feeling better than when you went in, no matter what! At least you'll know what's up!
And seriously, SERIOUSLY...what's the worst that could happen??? You'll be fine!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Land of the free, Home of the Brave
Posts: 158
Hi janiebluebird.. I hear you sister about the meetings. I did the same thing one time. Just watched everyone walk in then drove off. Wasn't feeling it .
But keep trying. I have been to so many meetings I like some more than others.
Some are uplifting some are depressing but I always try and leave taking something away.
You do not have to speak ever. Just say " I am just listening today" people do that all the time. And maybe after you get comfortable you will want to speak and that really helps sometimes. I don't talk and other times I do and they probably want to tell me to shut up because sometimes I really get going
Hee.. But talk or not just try different places. I have met some very great people. Who again get it we are all on this journey to together.
Aren't we the lucky ones
But keep trying. I have been to so many meetings I like some more than others.
Some are uplifting some are depressing but I always try and leave taking something away.
You do not have to speak ever. Just say " I am just listening today" people do that all the time. And maybe after you get comfortable you will want to speak and that really helps sometimes. I don't talk and other times I do and they probably want to tell me to shut up because sometimes I really get going
Hee.. But talk or not just try different places. I have met some very great people. Who again get it we are all on this journey to together.
Aren't we the lucky ones
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Sophie, We are the lucky ones...I will make it to one. One of these days I will. I'm eventually going to get bored of driving to them and sitting there. I know I just have to do it.
Zero- thats a good idea about the speaker meeting. It will probably help me to blend in more easily and get used to things.
Bigsombrero, I def like the idea of premeditating questions/responses that could come up, it will probably make me feel more in control over the situation.
Ooooh I just have to do it one of these days and I will. All of your advice and wisdom has been so helpful. (((Hugs)))
Zero- thats a good idea about the speaker meeting. It will probably help me to blend in more easily and get used to things.
Bigsombrero, I def like the idea of premeditating questions/responses that could come up, it will probably make me feel more in control over the situation.
Ooooh I just have to do it one of these days and I will. All of your advice and wisdom has been so helpful. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
If I could have made it outside a meeting when I was 28 things would have been easier, if I could have made it inside the door I think I would not have wasted another 22 years.
Not that everything has been bad far from it but can you imagine the difference 22 sober years could have been. I do not regret anything, but if I was in your shoes today I'd be kicking those doors down.
Part of my drinking was helping me in social situations, is that the same ?
Perhaps you need help just getting in. Any suggestions anyone?
John.
Not that everything has been bad far from it but can you imagine the difference 22 sober years could have been. I do not regret anything, but if I was in your shoes today I'd be kicking those doors down.
Part of my drinking was helping me in social situations, is that the same ?
Perhaps you need help just getting in. Any suggestions anyone?
John.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
Janie- there are some things we are not ready to deal with until they are happening. It seems like this meeting is one of them for you.
When I get nervous about things it's usually because I'm making up these fake scenarios in my head that don't exist and reacting to them. Since I realized I do this I laugh it off when i become conscious of it, "silly me at it again". Then, when in the moment and everything is fine I realize how much time I wasted on this fake reality I created.
Whenever I am in an awkward situation I smile politely and reflect questions back at people so I don't have to talk about myself. "Oh your from florida? whats it like there?" Those two things can get you through any social situation. Just park, do not think about it, walk in, sit down and smile/look at your phone/drink coffee. If you are called upon and uncomfortable say, "just listening today". I think you will feel so proud of yourself of just going in at this point even if you never go back. Let us know how it goes!
When I get nervous about things it's usually because I'm making up these fake scenarios in my head that don't exist and reacting to them. Since I realized I do this I laugh it off when i become conscious of it, "silly me at it again". Then, when in the moment and everything is fine I realize how much time I wasted on this fake reality I created.
Whenever I am in an awkward situation I smile politely and reflect questions back at people so I don't have to talk about myself. "Oh your from florida? whats it like there?" Those two things can get you through any social situation. Just park, do not think about it, walk in, sit down and smile/look at your phone/drink coffee. If you are called upon and uncomfortable say, "just listening today". I think you will feel so proud of yourself of just going in at this point even if you never go back. Let us know how it goes!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Hi Janie, can totally relate to your experience, im 32 and have used alcohol to overcome shyness and nervousness since i was 15, i have made it into aa several times but must admit i was scared. I have managed to stay with the programme a few times but i have slipped up and couldnt face the meeting last monday. I feel ashamed that i have slipped up and the guilt leads me to drink- vicious circle, i have text my former sponsor and he was great and understanding so i will go next monday. The life i am living is not a life and i need help in getting better. We have an illness, we're not bad people just sick people trying to get better. I wish you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Spinach- I really would like to get sober now, and not waste more time and do more damage. A big part of my binge-drinking is because I am trying to fend off any uncomfortableness in social situations. It really brings me out of my shell…then a little too much, ha. I'd prefer to just be myself at this point, even if that means a bit quiet and reserved. I also would love someone to go to a meeting with me to make me feel more confident, and so I can't turn back. I was thinking about trying the aa help line if I keep not going in. I'm going to try again tonight or tomorrow night.
Melissa- That is totally what I was doing- making up scenarios of things that could happen. I was imagining people asking how long Ive been sober, what meeting this is, etc etc and it was all starting to feel overwhelming when I'd rather just be the first time. Thats a really useful technique and helpful to be aware of.
Thanks, 1stepup, I have to get into it finally and you need to get back to it. We do need the social support of others so that we can live our lives more fully.
Melissa- That is totally what I was doing- making up scenarios of things that could happen. I was imagining people asking how long Ive been sober, what meeting this is, etc etc and it was all starting to feel overwhelming when I'd rather just be the first time. Thats a really useful technique and helpful to be aware of.
Thanks, 1stepup, I have to get into it finally and you need to get back to it. We do need the social support of others so that we can live our lives more fully.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Originally Posted by janiebluebird
I told myself that the worst that could happen would be I'd get a bad cup of coffee.
I just finished reading a post by a person who recovered without AA, and the post is all about "me." There is no mention of other people whatsoever--no family, no friends.
My introduction to AA and NA was in detox in a nearby city. Different groups sent volunteers to the detox program to hold nightly meetings. I saw the differences in the groups and programs, and realized that I would not be able to take in all of the program. But I also realized that I needed help in maintaining my sobriety, and I would need to attend local meetings.
Back home on this little island, my wife and I are fitting in to the local groups. (We have a little over 100 days sober). Monday night is AA agnostic night. Tuesday, my wife goes to the women's meeting. Wednesday we both go, then I meet with my sponsor afterwards. Thursday is NA night, which is a tiny group and last week we stayed afterwards for the business meeting. Friday I go to a meeting at a local church that my wife doesn't like because they only read from approved texts, call on people to speak, and close with the Lord's Prayer. Saturday, I have another meeting with my sponsor unless he goes skiing. Sunday we stay home and read the newspaper.
This is the way that we are fitting in to our community as functional citizens. Last night, my sponsor and I discussed how brave it was for teenagers to come to our meetings. If they can do it here, anyone can do it anywhere.
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