Mdub

I have put my wife through a lot of **** over the last 16 years. She is hurt. She is contemplating leaving me. I've always taken her for granted. I have tried to change before, but she always said she'd stand by me. And I always relapsed (alcohol). This time the stakes are high. If I fail, she will be gone. I believe she still loves me (she tells me she does), but I am so unbelievably scared. I'm insecure and I'm trying to "fix" everything.

I know I need to just love her, take care of the things I need to take care of (sobriety) and give her her space, but I am living in hell, basically a weeks-long panic attack. I can not stop thinking of her and trying to analyze her thoughts. I'm smothering her.

She wants to get back to "normal", but I can't, I keep bringing it up. It is exhausting her. Today is the first day I said, "Ok, I'm stepping back, I'm going to give her some room". She appreciates it.

I have never been more resolved to do anything in my life. I've been going overboard with niceness and making strides to change some of my selfish behavior. This is also throwing her for a loop. She thinks it's too much and insincere and that I'll resent her for it. IT ISN'T. I WON'T. I, for the first time, see what a POS husband I've been. It's over, no more. I will be there for her, I will help more with the kids, not drink, allow her to spend more money, treat her like the princess she is. I will stop resenting her for essentially pressuring my to have more kids (twins) when she knew I didn't want them. They're here now, and we both love them, the past is the past. I'm letting go of all of that.

Our first anniversary I took her to Subway. To Subway ! Tonight, we'll be dining at an uber-romantic spot, and the big surprise is that when we leave there will be a horse and carriage waiting to take us for a ride. I have a surprise dinner planned for Saturday with all her friends as well. I'm pulling out all stops. She thinks it's because I'm scared. It partially is. I don't want to lose her. I will die without her. Of course I won't, but in the heat of it, it feels like if she leaves she will take my soul. I just want her to stick around long enough for me to prove myself.

If this sounds like I've been an egotistical, selfish, a-hole. It's because I have. We have had tons of good times over the years, but the negative times are all she can focus on now. I understand it, you want a spouse who will be there for you and support you, not suck the life from you. I now see it clearly. She deserves better, and honestly so do I. I've forced everyone around me to have such low expectations of me. I've been asking her to expect more from me. To accept the changes. To enjoy the pampering...she's earned it. But it's hard for her, I've made so many promises and broke so many of them.

I prayed to God and strangely, he almost immediately answered me when in mid-prayer my wife came to me and said she still wants me and wants to work it out. Another place I'm falling down is that I keep (not conciously) trying to make it about me. About how this is hurting me. About how I can't go on like this (essentially in limbo, not knowing whether my future includes her). Give me a effing break! I'm suffering? For weeks. She's been suffering for years. I'm so weak and sick of being that way.

I'm in tears as I write this. She deserves the world and I'm going to do whatever I can. Day by day. I keep thinking she should just be right back on board after a couple weeks of good behavior. It doesn't work like that. It will take time. But in the meantime I am obsessed with thoughts of her; what she's doing, what she's thinking...etc. It's truly pitiful.

I went back to AA on Sunday. I'll be back on Friday. I have someone in mind that I'd like to ask to sponsor me. I love my wife so much, this is so hard. And my family, and all my friends are using tough love on me. They know how it's been. They know I'm mostly to blame. And but a few friends (who have recently been through a divorce) I really don't have a support structure which is part of why I'm struggling.

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just so lost. I promise to update this as time goes on. Some will be curious if I stand up or fall down. I intend this thread to be an honest assessment of my progression or regression.

I'm glad to have this place to vent. It keeps me from filling her ears and head with all these disjointed thoughts. I've really got things screwed up now. You'd think I'd be used to it right now.

Good luck to all of you in similar struggles.

2granddaughters

AA will save your life and may save your marriage.

All the best.

Bob R

MattyB

Running around trying to fix things is a great way to get in a reactive mode, which can drain your ability to make the best decisions. Its always best to remember, you cant fix things without first fixing yourself. If your on this board it shows me that you want the help and now there really isnt any excuses with all the great resources here. If you find yourself being afraid that she will leave I think this is a great way to get sober but be very careful because you wont make it if your not getting clean for you and you only. Its amazing the things that fall into place once this happens.

Ive seen marriages completely turn around this way and sometimes expereinces like this I beleive are a good thing. Its good to know that she has faith in you. When I see people go into panic and anxiety attacks, in most cases they are not breathing properly (physiology plays huge role in your mood) and they make things much much worse than they are. If you are stressing stop close your eyes and remember to breath.

Here is the thing about uncertainty. The things which we stride to improve day by day no matter what, we gain certainty and never have to worry about them because we know that we are constantly improving in them and the fear and uncertainty dissolve. If you think your wife loves you now, just imagine how much she will love you when you make the changes you know are neccessary in your life.

LoveMeNow

I am the wife of an addict. I can understand why your wife feels like she is being manipulated. I have been on this merry go round too and it never lasted.

That said, I would be so happy to have my husband write the post you just did. Sadly, I just don't see that happening anytime soon. He has not hit his bottom yet so I have no choice but to leave. Give her time and show her with your actions, not your words.

Good Luck and please keep us updated.

Anna

I think you have felt a profound change in your life and you are willing to do the work you need to do.

I do remember feeling the 'desparation' that you are feeling now regarding your marriage. I wanted everything fixed right away. I had to learn patience, as you are. It takes time and your wife will take time to adjust to your changes. Meanwhile you need to keep your main focus on your recovery.

Mdub

Thanks all. Now it's time for me to walk the walk (aka ... the hard part).

Mdub

Night ended in disaster. She loves me, "but is not in love with me". I'm thinking I need to end this. She wants time. I can't live like this. I'm literally dying inside.

TiredWolf

Mdub,

What happened man, what's the disaster. Please hang tight, take some time and get something eat...watch some tv, I'll send you a private message....check it in a few minutes.

Hanna

They say marriage is not a straight and even path, it's a roller coaster.
Love ebbs and flows like the tide. Of course after what she has been through with you it makes sense that she might not be feeling so in love at the moment. It's how many of us women function.

You truly love her, so give her the time she is requesting. Focus on your sobriety. Do your part as a husband, be consistent and give her time to see you intend to truly be the man that she wants and needs and she will fall in love with you again.

pink79coach

Keep praying mdub. Remember love is a choice not a feeling. So she may feel that she is not in love with u because of su much past Hurt. But remember. God is an amazing God. Can do amazing things with the most broken people. Keep on praying and moving forward.
Hugs

ReadyAtLast

I agree with Hanna, marriage really is a roller coaster. There have been times when I (and my husband) could have walked away.

You sound as if you are trying to do everything at once-you sound exhausted,physically and mentally. Maybe just concentrate on your sobriety and be kind to yourself and your wife. It won't all fall into place at once.Give it time and give her time. When she sees you staying sober she will start to believe and trust you -actions speak louder than words etc

Just a thought-can you show her your post.It's full of emotion and written from the heart, maybe it's hard to say it all but if I was your wife I would be glad to read it as full of love and hope. I hope things work out for you

Nonsensical

I see you first joined SR over 5 years ago. Welcome back.

I am sorry for your current troubles, but whether your marriage is over or not over, you still have the same task ahead: getting sober and being OK with that. You can't effectively fix any of your relationships when you're still busted on the inside.

Worrying doesn't remove tomorrow's troubles, it just steals today's energy. Spend that energy finding a program that will work for you. There is tons of information on this forum about the different paths to sobriety. Find the one that works for you.

Best of Luck!

LexieCat

Some marriages survive recovery; others do not.

But regardless of whether you are married or not, you are still stuck with YOU.

My first husband got sober the year before we got married. Fourteen years later we got divorced. It was painful for him, no doubt about it--I was the one who wanted out of the marriage. Still, thanks to his recovery, we were able to divorce without bitterness or rancor. We are the best of friends today. I stay with him and his wife when I go across the country to visit my kids.

He has a good life today, and so do I (I'm four and a half years sober, myself--he has been sober 33 years now).

If you want to do the right thing by her, respect her wishes right now. Stop holding on so tightly--that never works. Concentrate on your recovery. Whether that brings her back or not, it will earn her respect. You have a long way to go before you can be a great partner to anyone--we all are that way when we first begin. But do the work, and you WILL eventually be that person--if not for her, then for someone else special.

But it all starts with you.

doggonecarl

Just like a non-drinker can't always understand alcoholism, I don't think we alcoholics truly comprehend the damage our drinking does to our loved ones and to our relationships. How often have we said, "I am going to change," but we never do. Then, when we mean it, we're like the little boy in the fairy tale who cried "Wolf!" No one believes us.

Who can blame them.

For your wife, you might not be able to right the wrongs of 16 years of drinking. But you can right them for yourself.

FamilyMan2153

You are putting way too much on your plate. Too many expectations which will lead to resentments if they are not realized. Focus on your recovery. Staying sober and making good decisions is the only way for you right now. The only thing that can make your life worse is to drink right now. I really hope that the changes you make will help save your marriage. Try to think about just today. We get these crazy thoughts in our heads of what may/might happen in the future. Mostly negative because that is the way we think. Just work on today.

Mdub

I'm in tears again from all of your posts. I truly truly believe every word you're all saying. I know that's what I should do. But I haven't been able to.

For V-day (last night) we went to this fancy dinner. Started off very awkward because the only thoughts that are in my head are about the relationship. I didn't want to sneak-attack her with that and bog the night down. So we finally got righted and had a nice (yet somewhat uncomfortable) dinner. Realize, I've been with this woman for 16 years. WE NEVER have acted like that. We always were a team. There for eachother.

After dinner I had a horse/carriage ride pick us up. She was surprised and seemed generally pleased. We sat under a blanket and cuddled a bit. She would lay her head on my shoulder and I would kiss her head and squeeze her tighter than tight. But still, looking into her eyes, my wife is gone and someone else is there.

When we got home, we jumped in bed. (I've stopped trying to have sex till we figure this out, even though she told me she doesn't think that is necessary). We talked for a while and held eachother close and she drifted away as always to sleep. I was left awake with my thoughts. And I went into this manic crazy mode that I don't really recognize. I wanted to run away, I wanted to kick her out, I wanted a divorce, I started looking for places all the while speaking curses that my wife could probably hear. I went to get my car keys to leave (where? I don't know)...somewhere else. NOT TO DRINK.

She stopped me and we had the conversation we have everynight. However I came up with a new observation that is troubling. I was talking to her about how close we are. I often think in numbers but when relating to how we care for eachother and if zero is the middle, before this all blew up she was a -2 and I was a +1. She is now a -3 and I'm a +3.
The gap between us is growing. I'm trying harder and she loves me less (partially for it). She says she's hurt and mad and she is no longer "in love" with me. She's mad it took me so long to come around. I'm mad at that too, and I don't know why that was. This recent blowup coincides with a very real possibility that she will be gone forever. I have seen the light. It is weird, I mean it. My whole outlook on life has changed. It's actually refreshing and amazing, but during this growth I have to deal with something that has been more devastating than the deaths of my loved ones and friends over time.


Can she fall in love with me again? She wants to try. Can she ???

Thanks for reading and commenting everybody. I don't have a very big support group.

Saliena

This is amazing insight I never thought of!! Thank you so much!

Saliena

Mdub --

I am the an alcoholic that did a ton of damage to my husband over the course of our 4 year marriage and 20 year friendship. I don't know when/how I developed into what I am but I did. I was an angry drunk that would throw things, say the worest of the worest things to hurt the man that I was closest to. And, you know what part of me deep down inside meant those things I said. But, I would always wake up the next day full of sorrow and not remember what I did. So, I wouldn't have to live with the scars I had created from the hurt that flew from my mouth my husband would. He was very close to leaving me. I mean ... he didn't know if he could make it work.

I got sober. I knew I would most likely lose him. I had to be okay with that. If the best thing was for us not to be together for him to be happy. I had to be okay with that. As hard as it was to accept. I also went through the mode of trying to express my love and feelings for him. The over doing it... the attempts to throw everything to him all at once... so I wouldn't lose him. I found that did work. I had already lost his trust and that is something no amount of displays of affection could fix.

The good news is that I have been sober for 14 months... and my marriage has never been better. It took some time for me to prove to myself... my husband... and to the rest of the world that I not only really wanted this. I wanted it for me and not for anyone else.

Good luck... back off your wife and focus on you... in the end your marriage might fail... but, you have to focus on you enough to be able to withstand whatever happens.

Zebra1275

I think you should go to some AA meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. That may be the best way to save your marriage, if it still can be saved.

Talking isn't going to fix things, you need to take action. The program of AA can help you do that. And you need to get sober for YOU, not your wife or your marriage. You can't let your wife be your "higher power." She is human, and because of that eventually she will let you down somehow. At that point your resentments might lead back to the bottle.

Mdub

Yep, started back on Sunday and going to my old home group tomorrow night. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I will not drink.