Zebra1275

Yep, started back on Sunday and going to my old home group tomorrow night. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I will not drink.

Good for you!

Here's hoping that a year from now, Valentines Day 2014, you've got a year of sobriety.

And on Valentine's Day 2014 you and your wife are talking about your retirement plans (maybe a big ass RV to drive around the country in) because you plan to spend your life together.

dmc1960

I will pray for you, wish my dad had pulled out all the stops for my mom!

LoveMeNow

Love is a verb, not a noun. Her actions sound like she is still in love with you. But she is just scared, hurt and is protecting herself. I understand!!

Walk the walk and focus on your recovery. Without that, you wont have anything.

TrixMixer

Hi Mdub,

Ya know I happen to believe every word you said about your wife and your marriage in your original post. Peoblem is how many times have you given this speech to your wife?.......and it goes nowhere.

Do you think she may just be tired of hearing you talk the talk? If you really mean what you say the solution is simple--put down the drink today and get sober.

Saliena had a really good post for you,perhaps you could re-read it.

Talk is cheap Mdub--so stop with the "my wife is so wonderful, she deserves better than me, she has put up with so much, I don't want to lose her, yada, yada, yada." After all this time the last thing she probably wants to see is you running after her with "empty" words of redemption. Is it any wonder she wants her space. Give it to her and do what you say can make the difference.

Grow some and get sober--where you and your marriage stand after that is anyone's guess, but sobriety has to be achieved before any of your words mean anything.

I truly hope you have the courage to make the changes necessary for your wife to have the man she fell in love with back--for both of your sakes.

Sincerely,
TrixMixer

Mdub

A lot of good tough love there, it is appreciated. I've been getting heavy loads of it. However, I asked my brother to keep his distance for the type of tough love he was handing out (self-righteous and condeming).

As far as walking the walk, I'm one week sober. Going to my second AA (this time around) meeting tonight (my old homegroup) and I signed up for a 15 week Intensive Outpatient Alcohol program, which starts Monday. Again, this will not end for my lack of trying. I am committed.

In other news, I've had had time to compose myself a bit since the start of this. I am not in a constant state of panic anymore. Like many of you said, the damage I've done to my wife may prove too much and she'll leave me. I've accepted that. I'm still gonna do what I have to do.

Wife and I went to joint counseling yesterday. Was pretty helpful (for me), she's still exhausted. But it did open my eyes a bit regarding issues SHE may be dealing with. A lot of classic signs of mid-life crisis. We recently ponied up a pretty piece of change for a tummy tuck for her. It turned out great. However, she is now dressing much more provacatively and wants to get rid of the minivan. Her Facebook posts are more like an early 20s gal and less like a 35 yr old mother of 3. In one regard, good for her. That renewed confidence is good for her. She deserves it. It has emboldened her to stand up to me and my drinking. However, it really makes me more disposable. Tough pill to swallow. I'm the same guy who stuck with her when her body wasn't as attractive. I always stuck with her, and with our family. I've been very forthright in accepting the blame I deserve for the problems in my marriage, but no one is perfect, including my wife. If this is to work, she'll have to resolve any issues she has as well.

I'll keep updating as I travel through this maze. Good luck to all of you with the struggles of your own !

Threshold

I am going to share my personal experience. This is not my opinion on your situation or a suggestion of how anyone else should proceed. It is just my experience.

I could not make up for any time past or anything I did in the past. Nothing I could do could undo those things. Going overboard now, wouldn't make up for things that went undone then.

I realized that there were serious issues in my marriage that had nothing to do with my addiction or mental health issues. They were an easy target.

I was in love with my husband for all the 26 yrs we were together, still and all, I realize that now, post divorce, as difficult and scary as it has been, I am relieved to be free of the marriage. I didn't appreciate how stressful it was for me, and how many deep resentments I had of my own. Being in love wasn't enough.

I have been in recovery for 4 years, but the first anniversary of my last drink, will be one year from my divorce date. No more relapses, this is it. This is for my own well being. No more trying to be better for someone else.

Personally, I am suspicious when anyone goes overboard trying to impress or drive home a point. I feel like the other person is trying to manipulate me, or guilt me into feeling the way they want/need me to feel. Grandiose gestures actually come across to me as the other person impressing themselves with what extreme means they are going to. I don't feel like they are doing it for me, they are doing it to appease their own guilt or feelings of failure. It's the day in, day out, nitty gritty that truly speaks to me of where the person's heart and intentions are.

Mid life crisis suck and are awkward for all involved parties.

Mdub

@Threshold.... a lot to digest there. She doesn't trust my gestures either. I thought and think I'm doing it for her, but maybe not. I'm so effing confused right now. I hate living in this house with her shell. She's not there, she's trying (I think). I honestly am not the least bit worried about my sobriety. Like you, I'm done. I just want to salvage or end this relationship. I do not want to live like this. It is the most hurtful existence imaginable, for me. I love her, but I think she's done with me. Not sure what she's waiting for. One of us just needs to pull the trigger.

I don't want to give up, because when I step back and look objectively at it, she is still the one for me. I wanted to grow old with her. But now...who knows? And really, like in 12 steps, I can not control. I am as low in my life as ever. Where is the bottom of this ****?

TrixMixer

Threshold!

Thanks wasn't enough! Well said and from the heart a painful truth....but you said it so beautifully. I am so happy for you to have made peace with your decision

Do you think it all comes down to the TRUST thing--once you loose it , hard to get back?.

A toast to a better life and 4 years of sobriety. Way to go!

Mdub

Been going to my AA meetings and I'm really happy with the IOP. I think it will do me a lot of good. I'm still ultra-committed to quit drinking. It is finally time.

Wife and I seem to be doing better. We've been going to a marriage counselor and really there aren't many issues to deal with except one. That issue is her basically not trusting me that I'll stay sober (based on history, who could blame her). She is also having trouble being intimate (which has been common since day one - so I don't want to read too much into it). On top of that she started seeing her own counselor. Not sure if that is for the same reason or others. I don't want to pry although it is eating me up not knowing what is going on in that head of hers.

Best wishes to all of you in your struggles.

Bigndfan175

Mdub - take a look at my most recent blog post - I found a lot of parallels to working my sobriety plan

Mdub

My IOP classes are excellent. I will be sad to leave eventually. The counselor is very good at what he does. The group setting is cool too. For once, I'm listening and not yapping (well, sometimes I yap). I'm learning a lot. I don't remember the date of my last drink, but I think it was about 3 weeks ago. Still doing my AA meeting too. I'm still scared as **** that I'll let my guard down and end up drunk. I'm going to stay working at it. I need to be vigilant.

The wife? Dunno. She seems to be trying. We're doing counseling. But things are just different between us. She had finally reached the breaking point. I think she decided to leave, then all of the sudden I agree to stop drinking. She's damaged, I'm damaged. Oh the joys of alcoholism.

I'm sober today and I'll wake up feeling good tomorrow.

Good luck to all in your quests @

Mdub

Still plugging along. Wife left tonight with her boss (who already cheated on his wife banging the seceretary) in the shortest dress I've ever seen her in for an awards party. I'm finally starting to see that I'll be ok if I let her go. I think she's already gone.

The last two weekends have been awesome. Lots of fun with eachother and the kids. I get to thinking that things are going well, then she walks out of the house looking like a hootchie. Would be a cute outfit for a single girl, not so much for a married woman with her husband not around.

I'm growing more and more confident. Life is becoming clearer. Since her surgery she's been pulling away. Since my sobriety I'm more clearly seeing that she's not into it. And I'm building more confidence with each day of sobriety that I don't have to live like this.

Been having alcohol cravings on and off. Usually when I'm upset or when we are at restaraunts that I used to drink in. I'm one year closer to 40 this month and I've never been more unsure about what my future holds. I know it will be sober.

Good luck to all of you in your own struggles. Thanks for reading.

markinsf

I'd be really careful about doing anything rash right away. You need to work through your sobriety first and give yourself a chance to heal some before making game changing decisions like that. If you're still having cravings you've got a ways to go yet I think. Anyway, fwiw, that would be my advice. I'm sure others will be able to do far better than I can as far as how to handle things.

Zee

Hi Mdub
For my first 6-8 months sober, my mind was all over the place... mainly, I was angry... angry at what I had done to myself and at people who had taken advantage of me when I was drinking. It will take a while for you to 'even out'... no rash decisions, just rational thinking. Knowing you have a clear head and no recent regrets will mean alot, (what did I say/do last night *gasp*) Bottom line... keep off the grog x

Mdub

Thankfully I listened to Mark and Zee and cooled down.

In general, her intentions on that night were harmless, she didn't see the outfit as too racy and that's that.

I was upset, but no need to exascerbate the situation. We had a civil conversation about it. Done, right? Nope, I had to make a joke about it days later. Very immature on my behalf. I'm working on that.

Drinking is still such a distant thought. My IOP is awesome. I've done all kinds of treatments. This is the first one that is really teaching me things I didn't know. About my unconcious habits and thought patterns. Very interesting and if anyone is in AZ looking for a great IOP pm me.

Too tired to post more.
Good luck all.

Michael66

Hey Mdub,

Well done for getting back to AA. I think going there and seriously working the steps is the best way to love your wife, love yourself and love God. That will mean more to your wife than posh restaurants and horse and carriages (nice touch though!).

Keep walking that new path and I'm sure you'll see the panicky feeling slowly but surely dealt with over the coming weeks and months. Don't rush things with your wife - healing relationships takes time and patience. Sounds like you made the decision you really needed to make in time. Work the steps now.

Mdub

Wife told me that she has a crush on a guy at work. Swears it's nothing. And I've actually had a crush like that before, so I don't want to make it a big deal. But, when we're in the throws of all of this, it really seems like a big deal. The things she's saying /doing are pushing me away. She swears she wants it to work...I'm not sure what I want at this point. I'd really like to be able to tell myself how I'd feel if kids and $$ weren't involved. Ugh, I don't wish this on anyone.

Sobriety has still been very easy. Very brief thoughts of drinking followed immediately by the voice of reason. Still doing IOP, still doing AA.


Luck and best wishes to all.

LexieCat

Your wife may not know WHAT she wants right now. I'm sure, though, that regardless of what happens with the marriage, your sobriety will pay off for the rest of your life. You need to do this for YOU, and as long as you keep that thought in the forefront of your mind, you stand a chance of becoming a person who can deal with whatever life throws him--sober.

FamilyMan2153

Hang in there. I know this is hard to see but your sobriety doesn't have a lot to do with your wife or kids, but has to do with how YOU want to live your life. When I got sober almost 7 months ago it was strictly our of fear. The was scarred to death of what I might lose if I kept drinking. To be honest I still do have fears about ever drinking again. My wife would be gone in a heartbeat but the main reason I stay sober is for me. I like this new life. One I have never lived before. What is going to happen is going to happen. I have had a lot of bad things happen to me since getting sober. They sucked but only one thing could make them worse and that is to drink again. I wish you the best. My wife is the love of my life and I would be in a lot of pain to lose her. I surely hope you do not have to feel that pain but stay strong. You are taking good steps to a happy fulfilling life.

Hanna

The teacher in my Catholic High School that taught our Christian Marriage class told us that confessing feelings like a crush or attraction helped her marriage. She said it was something she and her husband did that always seemed to neutralize the feeling for her.

Maybe you could just thank her for being honest? Very hard to hear that, but it might actually be a positive thing that she told you instead of keeping it inside.

Maybe you could even share with her about a time when you had a similar feeling. It's pretty normal, right? Even though this is tough timing.

Trying to figure out how you would feel if circumstances where completely different might not be productive. The reality is, you do have kids! Doesn't make much difference how we would feel if things were different than they are today. Let me also say as a 40 year old of divorced parents - marriage is very much worth saving if at all possible. The fact that I do not have an intact family is something that saddens me even to this day, 38 years after they split.


Peace and Prayers,
Hanna