AA with no sponsor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 79
AA with no sponsor?
Hi friends,
Has anyone gone through AA for an extended period of time with no sponsor?
After dozens of attempts to quit drinking on my own I decided 5 weeks ago to attend an AA meeting. It has been an awesome experience, so different with the support of people I've met through various meetings.
Everyone says you have to get a sponsor right away and start on the Steps immediately. This is where I'm confused because everything is going so well right now. I'm attending 5 - 6 meetings a week some of which include reading and talking about the Steps. I find myself going back to Step 1 again and again because I like the discussion that surrounds it more so than any others. I participate at meetings, I arrive early and stay after to talk with others and I go out for coffee on the weekends after a meeting wraps up. On the weekend nights which would be considered my most extreme trigger times I txt people I've met or I do something completely opposite of what I've done in the past.
One guy I befriended hinted about sponsorship and I told him I wasn't ready. After that he really doesn't even talk to me anymore which is kind of confusing.
Has anyone gone through an extended period of time in AA without a sponsor? Or even without choosing a "home group?"
I have had no desire to drink, I accepted accountability for my alcoholism and for the first time I'm not blaming others or events out of my control as my reason for drinking. I feel amazing so I'm not sure that I need a sponsor right now. The only bad day in close to 6 weeks was the Superbowl and that seemed to be mental due to the past big game drunks. I went for a walk and watched movies instead and I was fine.
It's hard because I understand a sponsor will want a certain amount of dedication which I'm fine with but it seems the majority of people I have talked to are either retired, single or don't work. I work a lot of hours, am married and have a family which is not an excuse, it just means that day meetings at lunch work a lot better than evening meetings and I've had to turn down a lot of people in joining them for the night time ones due to my schedule.
Sorry to ramble and thanks for taking the time to read this
Has anyone gone through AA for an extended period of time with no sponsor?
After dozens of attempts to quit drinking on my own I decided 5 weeks ago to attend an AA meeting. It has been an awesome experience, so different with the support of people I've met through various meetings.
Everyone says you have to get a sponsor right away and start on the Steps immediately. This is where I'm confused because everything is going so well right now. I'm attending 5 - 6 meetings a week some of which include reading and talking about the Steps. I find myself going back to Step 1 again and again because I like the discussion that surrounds it more so than any others. I participate at meetings, I arrive early and stay after to talk with others and I go out for coffee on the weekends after a meeting wraps up. On the weekend nights which would be considered my most extreme trigger times I txt people I've met or I do something completely opposite of what I've done in the past.
One guy I befriended hinted about sponsorship and I told him I wasn't ready. After that he really doesn't even talk to me anymore which is kind of confusing.
Has anyone gone through an extended period of time in AA without a sponsor? Or even without choosing a "home group?"
I have had no desire to drink, I accepted accountability for my alcoholism and for the first time I'm not blaming others or events out of my control as my reason for drinking. I feel amazing so I'm not sure that I need a sponsor right now. The only bad day in close to 6 weeks was the Superbowl and that seemed to be mental due to the past big game drunks. I went for a walk and watched movies instead and I was fine.
It's hard because I understand a sponsor will want a certain amount of dedication which I'm fine with but it seems the majority of people I have talked to are either retired, single or don't work. I work a lot of hours, am married and have a family which is not an excuse, it just means that day meetings at lunch work a lot better than evening meetings and I've had to turn down a lot of people in joining them for the night time ones due to my schedule.
Sorry to ramble and thanks for taking the time to read this
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi,
Glad things are going good for you so far! I'm not sure what the problem would be with having a sponsor who is retired or don't work. Heck, it seems that with your busy schedule, that would make it easier to get together, not harder.
There also isn't any requirement that you go to evening meetings. Why not pick one of the daytime meetings as your home group?
You also don't have to attend the same meetings your sponsor does. Some might prefer that you do, but certainly not all people would feel that way. Most people I know get together with their sponsor about once a week or so. Seems like that shouldn't be an insurmountable commitment...
Glad things are going good for you so far! I'm not sure what the problem would be with having a sponsor who is retired or don't work. Heck, it seems that with your busy schedule, that would make it easier to get together, not harder.
There also isn't any requirement that you go to evening meetings. Why not pick one of the daytime meetings as your home group?
You also don't have to attend the same meetings your sponsor does. Some might prefer that you do, but certainly not all people would feel that way. Most people I know get together with their sponsor about once a week or so. Seems like that shouldn't be an insurmountable commitment...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
I know they stress that in my treatment & in the AA meetings I attend. I am only 29 days sober & am still working up the courage to ask for a sponsor. My Counselor says to go to a few meetings & watch & listen.
Maybe some with more sober time & experience with sponsorship will help enlighten us on this more.
Maybe some with more sober time & experience with sponsorship will help enlighten us on this more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
I am actually curious about the sponsor question too. I had been going to meetings a couple of times a week but was never brave enough to ask for a sponsor (I am not really sure how one does that anyway) but now having relapsed, I think I am going to need one to stay sober in the future.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here is an AA pamphlet on sponsorship: Questions and Answers on Sponsorship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
This is a difficult question. I have known a number of people who have attained considerable sobriety without a sponsor, indeed without AA. But this does not mean that these cannot be helpful. Sponsorship and AA provide a way of avoiding isolation and entering recovery from what has been called the "lonely illness". It is a way of having a friend who cares, and who needs no alcohol to care. Who, hopefully, has experience and wisdom. Who does not use sponsorship as a way have power over others. Who knows humility and knows that no one can always be right.And whom you like and admire personally and who likes you. I hope you find someone like that. Take your time. And meanwhile get some phone numbers to call when you're in the dumps or feeling like picking up a drink.
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Many people go without a sponsor or working the steps. IMO they fall into one of 3 categories:
1- They are only problem drinkers not alcoholics
2-THey remain "dry" and live with untreated alcoholism
3- They are not the type of alcoholic described in the Big Book as one who requires a psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.
The thing is if you are the type of alcoholic that is described in the book then you are not treating your alcoholism by just going to meetings. Many of us felt great in the beginning. The fellowship is fun. We meet lots of nice folks who share the same problems. But left untreated, alcoholism will allow restlessness, irritability, discontentment etc to creep back in. Suddenly we find that just going to meetings isnt enough to make us feel better. Not having treated our illness spiritually we know only one solution which makes us feel better. A drink.
The time to work the steps, IMO, is when you are feeling good. Why wait until you start feeling like crap. Because if you are an alcoholic of the type described in the Big Book and you do not treat your alcoholism it is not a matter of if you will start feeling like crap it is a matter of when.
1- They are only problem drinkers not alcoholics
2-THey remain "dry" and live with untreated alcoholism
3- They are not the type of alcoholic described in the Big Book as one who requires a psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.
The thing is if you are the type of alcoholic that is described in the book then you are not treating your alcoholism by just going to meetings. Many of us felt great in the beginning. The fellowship is fun. We meet lots of nice folks who share the same problems. But left untreated, alcoholism will allow restlessness, irritability, discontentment etc to creep back in. Suddenly we find that just going to meetings isnt enough to make us feel better. Not having treated our illness spiritually we know only one solution which makes us feel better. A drink.
The time to work the steps, IMO, is when you are feeling good. Why wait until you start feeling like crap. Because if you are an alcoholic of the type described in the Big Book and you do not treat your alcoholism it is not a matter of if you will start feeling like crap it is a matter of when.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I am over 7 months sober and have never had a sponsor. AA meetings aren't the core of my existence, they are a supplement to my sober life. When I do go to AA, unfortunately I've felt a lot of pressure to get a sponsor and sometimes it turns me off to AA in general. Quite frankly I'm pretty darn happy about making it this far, and that doesn't mean I'm a "dry drunk" or "problem drinker and not really an alcoholic" IMO.
I would like to see how this works out for you, because as I said I'm in a similar position. I like going to AA meetings and listening and sharing, but right now I don't want a sponsor in my life. I feel like the sponsor stuff and pressure is a distraction that is pushing me away from AA in general. There are also lots of alternatives, BTW, but honestly I haven't done enough work with Rational Recovery to say whether or not it works.
Good luck and keep us posted on how things go!
I would like to see how this works out for you, because as I said I'm in a similar position. I like going to AA meetings and listening and sharing, but right now I don't want a sponsor in my life. I feel like the sponsor stuff and pressure is a distraction that is pushing me away from AA in general. There are also lots of alternatives, BTW, but honestly I haven't done enough work with Rational Recovery to say whether or not it works.
Good luck and keep us posted on how things go!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 42
Mi dos centavos: I have two sponsors. One is a friend of mine from 20+ years ago.. She, (yes she is a she) has helped me more than the sponsor I have in my group. I call her nearly everyday, more than I do my sponsor in my homegroup. She is a very loving and caring person. My male sponsor is a good guy, but I trust my friend more than anyone. You need a sponsor, you really do.Wether they are male or female, I really don't think matters all that much, though I was told to have a male sponsor as I am a male. But I don't think it matters as long as they beat you up and are hard with you, which my ladyfriend does. And it works, she kicks me around and I love it/her. Get a sponsor or fail. Thats all I got.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago Burbs- Illinois
Posts: 202
There is no reason not to get a sponsor and see what happens. You wrote a pretty long post Alva about this and to be honest my rationalization alarm is going off 
No one can make you do anything, if the sponsor wants you to wake up at 4 am and do 4000 pushups quit your job and move to Paraguay to drink cool-aide then you can politely decline and never talk to that person again.
No one can make you do anything, if the sponsor wants you to wake up at 4 am and do 4000 pushups quit your job and move to Paraguay to drink cool-aide then you can politely decline and never talk to that person again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by bbthumper 
Many people go without a sponsor or working the steps. IMO they fall into one of 3 categories:
1- They are only problem drinkers not alcoholics
2-THey remain "dry" and live with untreated alcoholism
3- They are not the type of alcoholic described in the Big Book as one who requires a psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.
1- They are only problem drinkers not alcoholics
2-THey remain "dry" and live with untreated alcoholism
3- They are not the type of alcoholic described in the Big Book as one who requires a psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.
Nothing is required in AA except a desire to stop drinking. A sponsor is NOT required should someone choose to do the steps. A sponsor can be very helpful and is recommended, but it's a presonal choice. If one is truly working on the steps, the right people will present themselves when they should. And if someone is truly working the steps, they won't tell anyone else that they need to have a sponsor in order to work the steps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 24
Dont get a sponsor. Get some role models. People that will support your growth no matter what and not let you off the hook. I beleive a sponsor is a great way to start but dont use it as a crutch. Many people ive worked with find it better to have a "pantheon of power" or "winners circle", which is a new group of friends that are there all the way and that respect your wishes for non-use. Ive also found that having both an inside sponsor perspective and outside sponsor perspectives to be best because both are only human. From experience, choose your sponsor wisely. Id recommend writing down all the qualities down that you would like for them to have and how they would support you, specifically as possible. Not using a valuable social support system early on isnt the best idea as it is a great way to build resourcefullness now and later on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
Hmm... can't say I agree with that. Never heard it before either. I've heard it regarding the steps and somewhat agree, but throwing the sponsor thing in there seems to be stretching it a bit.
Nothing is required in AA except a desire to stop drinking. A sponsor is NOT required should someone choose to do the steps. A sponsor can be very helpful and is recommended, but it's a presonal choice. If one is truly working on the steps, the right people will present themselves when they should. And if someone is truly working the steps, they won't tell anyone else that they need to have a sponsor in order to work the steps.
Nothing is required in AA except a desire to stop drinking. A sponsor is NOT required should someone choose to do the steps. A sponsor can be very helpful and is recommended, but it's a presonal choice. If one is truly working on the steps, the right people will present themselves when they should. And if someone is truly working the steps, they won't tell anyone else that they need to have a sponsor in order to work the steps.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Boston,Ma
Posts: 50
I'll celebrate 2 years next Friday and I do not have a sponsor.
I do not consider myself a dry drunk, I am a real alcoholic in recovery. I did have a psychic change where God took away my cravings, the day I checked myself into detox.
The Big Book does not mention sponsorship. I have seen it be greatly beneficial to others, both sponsors and the newcomers alike and I have nothing against it. I do not feel the need to check in with anyone daily, except my God. I do not need anyone to beat me up, I did enough of that to myself.
I go to 3 meetings a week and enjoy them. I like discussion meetings and enjoy helping newcomers and offer my experience strength and hope. I have found the path that works for me and encourage you to do the same.
SH
I do not consider myself a dry drunk, I am a real alcoholic in recovery. I did have a psychic change where God took away my cravings, the day I checked myself into detox.
The Big Book does not mention sponsorship. I have seen it be greatly beneficial to others, both sponsors and the newcomers alike and I have nothing against it. I do not feel the need to check in with anyone daily, except my God. I do not need anyone to beat me up, I did enough of that to myself.
I go to 3 meetings a week and enjoy them. I like discussion meetings and enjoy helping newcomers and offer my experience strength and hope. I have found the path that works for me and encourage you to do the same.
SH
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
The way I see it if one wants to be a member of AA all they need is a desire to quit drinking. Heck, they can attend meetings even if they dont have the desire to quit. Some can get sober without a sponsor's help. Some can get sober without the steps. But no one can do the program of AA without working the steps. The steps of course, being the program. So if one is looking for fellowship, a place to find support, friendship etc. meetings will do the trick. If one is looking to recover from alcoholism via a spiritual experience as described in the book, meetings alone are not going to get you far.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
It is strongly suggested that you get a sponsor for the program to truly work for you. Years ago when I first went to AA, I did NOT get a sponsor or have a home group. So this showed me I did not totally surrender to the program. I believe you have to do this to make it work for you. Now with 23 months sober I see what I missed before. I have a sponsor, 2 home groups, give myself to service (making coffee, greeting etc..) It works if you work it! Good Luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
