Downfall on Work Assignment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Downfall on Work Assignment
Hi All, It has been awhile since I posted or even visited but thank goodness you are all still here.
I wanted to share what happened to me over the past six weeks partially because I need to share and partially because probably someone else has had the same thing happen. No doubt about it.
I stopped drinking on January 1st and managed to stay sober for nearly six weeks. I had one "misstep" that luckily was three beers before getting horrifically ill which kind of forced me to stop. I went to the meetings---not as reguarly as I should have, obviously---and was feeling on top of the world both physically and mentally and then it happened. I got wickedly and horrifically drunk for three days and now feel so ashamed and angry at myself I can barely stand to be in my own company. But I am sober. Hungover as hell but sober.
What happened to me this time is that I travel a lot for my job. A lot. And not to places where there are meetings (sub-Saharan Africa and warzones, mostly). I made it through the first trip without a problem but this time I cratered. I got involved in a former relationship drama online because I was tired and lonely one night and then I had a beer. Then another. Then many, many more beers and some wine on top of it. I hid in my hotel room and basically did nothing but drink for three days. Luckily most of it was over a weekend so I didn't have "much" explaining to do to colleagues but the worst part is how I feel about myself right now. I know in meetings they talk about the "pink cloud" that drunks get on and I certainly was on it for at least four out of six weeks of my sobriety. So much so that I thought I could handle traveling back into a warzone alone with no meetings and no sponsor and avoid drinking. What a joke that perception was.
I cannot give up my job, obviously. I love it. But has anyone else out there ever been in a similar situation? My boss is an alcoholic and so it is very hard for me to talk to her about this without her getting massively defensive which is not helpful. Has anyone out there had to cope with having a job that takes you to places where there is no meeting? I did not get a sponsor so maybe that would help in situations like this.
Anyway, I just wanted to share what happened to me and let you know that I am back. It's Day One again. And thank you all for being there. I hate myself so much at the moment that it is good to have somewhere to turn even if I can't get to a meeting.
I wanted to share what happened to me over the past six weeks partially because I need to share and partially because probably someone else has had the same thing happen. No doubt about it.
I stopped drinking on January 1st and managed to stay sober for nearly six weeks. I had one "misstep" that luckily was three beers before getting horrifically ill which kind of forced me to stop. I went to the meetings---not as reguarly as I should have, obviously---and was feeling on top of the world both physically and mentally and then it happened. I got wickedly and horrifically drunk for three days and now feel so ashamed and angry at myself I can barely stand to be in my own company. But I am sober. Hungover as hell but sober.
What happened to me this time is that I travel a lot for my job. A lot. And not to places where there are meetings (sub-Saharan Africa and warzones, mostly). I made it through the first trip without a problem but this time I cratered. I got involved in a former relationship drama online because I was tired and lonely one night and then I had a beer. Then another. Then many, many more beers and some wine on top of it. I hid in my hotel room and basically did nothing but drink for three days. Luckily most of it was over a weekend so I didn't have "much" explaining to do to colleagues but the worst part is how I feel about myself right now. I know in meetings they talk about the "pink cloud" that drunks get on and I certainly was on it for at least four out of six weeks of my sobriety. So much so that I thought I could handle traveling back into a warzone alone with no meetings and no sponsor and avoid drinking. What a joke that perception was.
I cannot give up my job, obviously. I love it. But has anyone else out there ever been in a similar situation? My boss is an alcoholic and so it is very hard for me to talk to her about this without her getting massively defensive which is not helpful. Has anyone out there had to cope with having a job that takes you to places where there is no meeting? I did not get a sponsor so maybe that would help in situations like this.
Anyway, I just wanted to share what happened to me and let you know that I am back. It's Day One again. And thank you all for being there. I hate myself so much at the moment that it is good to have somewhere to turn even if I can't get to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Don't worry about hating yourself and all that junk, Ptcapote. I would worry more if you were all happy and giddy about drinking again.
It's day 1 and so this is a good day. Many have used SR to not drink. So, why don't you use us for awhile.
It's day 1 and so this is a good day. Many have used SR to not drink. So, why don't you use us for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 210
I have travelled extensively for my job but unfortunately I've always had the luxury of attending a meeting. Now that's not to say I actually went but I can't tell you I've had that experience.
What I have done in the past is admit to co-workers and customers that I don't drink which gives me some accountability and strength. But at the end of the day if I wanted to sneak and lie and drink - that's what I would do. I just posted a new blog entry on living a life of congruence - take what you want and leave the rest -hopefully it helps in some way.
What I have done in the past is admit to co-workers and customers that I don't drink which gives me some accountability and strength. But at the end of the day if I wanted to sneak and lie and drink - that's what I would do. I just posted a new blog entry on living a life of congruence - take what you want and leave the rest -hopefully it helps in some way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Thanks. I am going to stick around for awhile tonight as I am terrified that if I don't I am going to want to drink again. Actually, I know I totally want to drink again so badly right now that I am going to stick around for that reason. I don't know why I am constantly amazed at the sheer amount of drunk drama I can cause in such a short amount of time but going back over emails and text messages from the past three days is agonizing. I know I should probably NOT be doing this when I am so close to having relapsed but there is the whole damage control aspect. Anyway, I am going to stay here with you all until I manage to fall asleep. Thanks again for being here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
What about online meetings ptcapote (not only AA but other recovery methods as well) or AA speakers tapes, or SR (there's always someone here) or any one of the hundreds of books on recovery out there - Rational Recovery is an example of a book based recovery programme..no meetings required.
There may not always be a meeting - but there is always support and another option besides drinking I think
D
There may not always be a meeting - but there is always support and another option besides drinking I think
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Capote,
I went on a 4 day binge in December after 6 months sober. I actually got fired from a new job because i reeked of booze. I sent out texts and phoned half my contacts in my phone which I am still cringing over two months later. My professional and private life has taken a real beating the last five years because of my drinking and it only took 4 days to get back to rock bottom again. I really hate being an alcoholic....
I went on a 4 day binge in December after 6 months sober. I actually got fired from a new job because i reeked of booze. I sent out texts and phoned half my contacts in my phone which I am still cringing over two months later. My professional and private life has taken a real beating the last five years because of my drinking and it only took 4 days to get back to rock bottom again. I really hate being an alcoholic....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
I'm glad you're here and posting. Alcoholism does worsen if you don't stop drinking.
You can always access SR online for support, and there are many of us here who recover without using meetings.
You can always access SR online for support, and there are many of us here who recover without using meetings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Received and thanks for the note. Yes and no re hanging in there. I found the remnants of a beer I didn't manage to polish off yesterday and took a few swigs about an hour ago. Luckily there were only a few swigs left in there but I am not too proud of myself at this moment. I need to get myself to a meeting as soon as I get back to the States (I am in Africa now). There's no more booze to be had so I should be safe for the evening but going to stay online with SR until I fall asleep. I also am trying to deal with the fact that I likely have a $400 room service bill for all the booze I have consumed over the past three days and a young colleague traveling with me that I am paranoid is going to get wind of it. Hating myself right now but not drinking. Thanks for checking in with me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Hi P! Hang in there!!! I travel a lot for work too and am just shy of 6 months sober. I'm sorry about your relapse but know this: your sharing has helped me stay sober today. It sure is difficult sitting here in a gorgeous hotel with a fabulous bar filled with beautiful people and although I had no intention of drinking before I sure as hell won't now. I never want to feel the way I've felt in the past and your story reminded me how easy it is to hold up in a hotel room where people will literally bring booze to my door with a smile. I'm not going there now and hopefully not ever again.
My point is that even though you feel like crap now and ashamed and all the fun stuff that accompanies a binge, YOU HELPLED A FELLOW ALCOHOLIC TODAY. I'm grateful to you for having the courage to post and thank you for being honest.
If I can offer some advice - don't drink anything more, order some food, take a bath to replenish some of the hydration you are lacking, and forgive yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. So you fell, under some very difficult circumstances mind you, and now you get up and keep going. When a runner takes a spill you don't see them looking back over their shoulders as they continue to go forward. They would most certainly fall if they did. Same thing applies to us. Self pity and loathing and shame lead to more booze.
Let it go, get up, and start running again. Best wishes to you from many, many miles away!
My point is that even though you feel like crap now and ashamed and all the fun stuff that accompanies a binge, YOU HELPLED A FELLOW ALCOHOLIC TODAY. I'm grateful to you for having the courage to post and thank you for being honest.
If I can offer some advice - don't drink anything more, order some food, take a bath to replenish some of the hydration you are lacking, and forgive yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. So you fell, under some very difficult circumstances mind you, and now you get up and keep going. When a runner takes a spill you don't see them looking back over their shoulders as they continue to go forward. They would most certainly fall if they did. Same thing applies to us. Self pity and loathing and shame lead to more booze.
Let it go, get up, and start running again. Best wishes to you from many, many miles away!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, you are done drinking for now. Forget about the bill. You will pay it, and that will be that.
Continuing to post here is an excellent idea. Also, do you have a Big Book with you? If not, here is an online version: Big Book On Line. Start re-reading the first 164 pages, starting with The Doctor's Opinion.
Are you POSITIVE there are no meetings where you are? AA has reached some pretty remote places.
For future travels, a sponsor that you could keep in touch with (as well as other AA friends with email addresses) can help you stay connected to the Fellowship. That's the great thing about AA, for me. You are never really alone.
And avoiding relationship drama (past or present) is a VERY good idea to keep in mind, no matter where you are. Those strong emotions presented the biggest challenge for me in early sobriety. I wasn't in a relationship, but the little things that can tick you off can be what gets you off to the races, as you have seen.
No beating yourself up allowed, though. Slips, although NOT a requirement, and to be avoided if possible, are not terribly uncommon and can be a learning experience in terms of how powerless we can be about picking up that first drink.
You will be OK. Just keep focusing on getting back on track.
Continuing to post here is an excellent idea. Also, do you have a Big Book with you? If not, here is an online version: Big Book On Line. Start re-reading the first 164 pages, starting with The Doctor's Opinion.
Are you POSITIVE there are no meetings where you are? AA has reached some pretty remote places.
For future travels, a sponsor that you could keep in touch with (as well as other AA friends with email addresses) can help you stay connected to the Fellowship. That's the great thing about AA, for me. You are never really alone.
And avoiding relationship drama (past or present) is a VERY good idea to keep in mind, no matter where you are. Those strong emotions presented the biggest challenge for me in early sobriety. I wasn't in a relationship, but the little things that can tick you off can be what gets you off to the races, as you have seen.
No beating yourself up allowed, though. Slips, although NOT a requirement, and to be avoided if possible, are not terribly uncommon and can be a learning experience in terms of how powerless we can be about picking up that first drink.
You will be OK. Just keep focusing on getting back on track.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Thank you IWillWin and Lexie. IWillWin: yes, the being in a hotel room with people more than willing to bring you booze with a smile is a lot more challenging than I initially thought it was going to be. I am glad I helped you---you also helped me feel a lot better with your post so thank you as well. It's good to know that there are other traveling drunks who are confronting the same! Lexie: I am fairly certain there are no meetings here (I am in Liberia) but there is no harm in checking around. It's got a sizable expat community so I assume there must be others recovering. I do have the BB and that's the first place I turned this morning when I woke up. I definitely do need a sponsor and a meeting is going to be my first stop on Friday when I return to the US. And you are so correct on the relationship drama. I know drunks have no coping skills but I have even less than no coping skills when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex---I have like sub-zero coping skills. Mostly because I haven't had a relationship that wasn't based on mutual drinking for at least five years but probably closer to eight. When I got back from a particularly trying time in a very remote area on Saturday night I was tired and lonely and thought "What could be the harm in having an online chat with this person?" Well, "this person" is also an alcoholic and before I knew it we were right back into the drama again. Stupid, stupid but hopefully something I will not repeat. Anyway, this forum has helped me so much today so next time I get bored and lonely and want to chat, I think I will be visiting you all instead of my abusive ex Thank you both again!
Thank you both again!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I found a schedule for online AA meetings--looks as if they have them pretty often: AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) Live Chat Online Meeting Directory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Thanks Lexie again! I guess I know what I will be doing tomorrow I should have had this handy BEFORE I decided to go off the reservation but I have it handy now. Given that I have six more overseas trips in that many months, I am going to need it. I normally travel solo but the next few assignments are with my young colleague (who I am mentoring if you can believe that---on writing, however, not drinking ) so I seriously need to get a handle on this before I leave again. She thinks I spent three days in bed with a "migraine" but my excuses are wearing thin. I can't wake up another morning with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and terror that have greeted me the past three. Anyway, thanks for resource, I will make use of it. I have to.
I should have had this handy BEFORE I decided to go off the reservation but I have it handy now. Given that I have six more overseas trips in that many months, I am going to need it. I normally travel solo but the next few assignments are with my young colleague (who I am mentoring if you can believe that---on writing, however, not drinking ) so I seriously need to get a handle on this before I leave again. She thinks I spent three days in bed with a "migraine" but my excuses are wearing thin. I can't wake up another morning with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and terror that have greeted me the past three. Anyway, thanks for resource, I will make use of it. I have to.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
I think it's a good idea for you to have a plan in mind for the upcoming overseas trips you will be making. And, yeah, staying away from 'toxic' people is a good start. You don't need to go through this again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
I definitely do not need to go through this again, Anna, you are so right about that. One of the hardest (and from what I am reading) most common problems with recovery is learning how to sleep without the drink anymore. My sleep issues pretty much resolved by the third week or so and that's the part I am now kicking myself for the most as it is 2AM here and I cannot sleep again. Getting THAT back again is reason enough to not get drunk again. Going to take yet another shower and try again to go to sleep.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Dee beat me to this, but I too was thinking of AA speaker tapes.
XA-Speakers - The lights are on! has tons of speakers to listen to on your computer or on your mp3 player. Good for the plane, the hotel, etc. I listen to them often, even though I go to meetings.
Get rest, chuck the guilt, and move onto a wonderful sober life
XA-Speakers - The lights are on! has tons of speakers to listen to on your computer or on your mp3 player. Good for the plane, the hotel, etc. I listen to them often, even though I go to meetings.
Get rest, chuck the guilt, and move onto a wonderful sober life
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