Little Missy

Ok gang, here's what's going on.

I keep having this thought that if I fall off the wagon, it's ok, bacause I can just get back on. This is really ripping me off. I know in my heart that I do not want to drink. My head just won't stop. There are few guarantees in life, and being able to get back on the wagon, certainly isn't one of them.
It's like I'm building up excuses in my mind to drink. Also, I occasionally have suicidal thoughts. Now, I know I don't want to do that. What the hell? Every thought that I have, I put through some type of checklist. Like, that's an excuse, that's self pity, that's NOT EVEN RATIONAL!! I feel like I have a possitive outlook on life and on my recovery. Just having trouble with this stinkin thinkin!

Help this little one!
Missy

mnj1024

Hi (((missy))). lol on the "NOT EVEN RATIONAL" thoughts, I have those too. It's good that your understanding your thoughts, if you know something is an excuse you will know better than to act upon it. stay possitive, your doing great.

Chy

Hey Michelle!

Your right stinkin thinkin will get you in trouble.

If you start romanticising and legitimizing falling of the wagon you will, simple as that.
You'll think okay no biggy, start over. You'll then think, oh well I've already slipped so let's just finish off the week, which turns into months, and then some don't find their way back for a long time to come if at all.

I used to let those thoughts creep in. But I know, one beer won't be enough, and I'll be back to square one all over again. I don't think I can manage another recovery.

Dan

Big wisdom Chy. What if I stepped off, only to never get back on again?

Moontime

When I had those thoughts they told me, when I was ready to surrender, they'd be there for me. IF I made it back, thank god I did. The only thing that kept changing was my clean date. The problems and unmangagebility was still there.

ted

((((((LIL'MISS))))) IF YOU FALL OFF THE WAGON CHANCES ARE YOU'LL GET RUN OVER,THATS MY EXPERIENCE.YOUR ON THE WAGON NOW ,PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT AND HANG ON,PLEASE.YOU WERE SAYING YESTERDAY ABOUT TURNING IT OVER! WELL THEN?YOU KNOW WHAT IS WORKING FOR YOU,KEEP DOING JUST THAT.YOU ARE NEEDED HERE!THINK POSITIVE MICHELLE.
PRAYERS AND HUGS TO YOU AND YOURS.
STAY STRONG LIL' ONE ted
STINKIN THINKIN :uzi2:

wingsfree

((((((Missy)))))) turn off that thinking THING, think of flowers, humming birds, your babies, hug the little darlins, think about how precious and innocent they are, put your face in their hair, smell them, pretty awesome our kids are. And mostly think about how WELL you want to FEEL.

Ditto Chy and Ted..

Love you Missy, hugs.......Denise

2stop

(((Missy))) I have had so many struggles with these exact same thoughts. I went round and round with them for a long time. What I did, and it may not make sense, but it worked for me, is I stopped fighting all my thoughts and feelings and recognized number one....I was going to have these thoughts, number two I could choose to challenge them via journal writing and behavioral modification..i.e.what was triggering these thoughts? and number three..I stopped being harsh and hard on myself. I went ahead and told myself..yes, I will get back up if I fall again, I will keep on trying..BUT...am I willing to pay the price of relapsing and using again? What will it really help if I use? I found it to be more effective then simply ignoring it. It was so intrusive I finally had to spend some time thinking about it and planning a strategy to either replace those thoughts thru a process or leave them unchallenged..and deal with them. HANG IN THERE!! Hope you get to feeling better soon. (((Warm Hugs)))

:council:

mackat

missy-
i cheated the 'ol reaper quite enough thank you. for me,to drink is to die. And i am ready to believe that i am worth living for. I really do love being present for my life!
When my tape loops start spinning, i find that writing stuff down helps - lets me see my own insanities and oftentimes leads me into a solution.
I held a couple of reservations for a long time. Later i realized i was just playing out some kind of a different movie in my head. Which i did a lot when i was using. [anybody else imagine the song list for your funeral? hee hee] Nowadays, with the help of friends, meetings, prayer i can get a handle on the "entertainment committee" and go do something real. Lots of good posts up there.
mackat

Little Missy

Feeling better today! Dealing with the issues at hand. Still, I feel a weight in my chest. Can't figure out what is troubling my heart. Gotta keep looking.

Today will be another great sober day! No stinkin thinkin!
Just keep the coffee comin!
Missy

jackD

I used to have a lot of reasons ...well, it IS a one day at a time program, so I'll just relapse like a lot of other people I see doing it, and I'll come back with my tail between my legs. I was using Oxycontin for a while, and my sponsor told me I was new. I was like, but I didn't drink...it was a prescription drug (I conveniently overlooked the fact that it wasn't prescribed to me...or that I was crushing it and shooting it up). Anyway, once I realized that I had lost my time....well, I may as well drink now! Made perfect sense to me. I seemed to forget, also, that I do things like fall down stairs, and decide to drive, and fight the cops when I drink...so I also conveiently overlooked the fact that I may not live through another relapse. In 1998 a friend of mine died in Seattle of an overdose...he had been drinking, and copped some heroin (something her very rarely did, and never did when he wasn't drinking). The cause of death was the mixture of the alcohol and heroin...dropped his heart rate down and he died in his bed. He was 21. I have to remind myself that I'm VERY capable of something like that...once I'm off and drinking, I have absolutely NO idea what may happen...STD? Prison? Killing someone with my vehicle? Who knows. It's amazing the way I can think sometimes though....Hey, it would be nice to be a new-comer again! I'll get lots of attention...and get to make coffee!Scary stuff. Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better today.

Dan

I like that Jack! So there you go Missy! Seriously though, Jack's post speaks volumes. We owe it to ourselves to play the tape until the end. The very end, when the romanticized, deceiving images crash to the ugly conclusion we only know too well.

Little Missy

Yesterday, I was feeling like I just couldn't get anything done. Which I couldn't, because I really wasn't doing anything! I am very fortunate to have a husband who is not demanding. He never wants me to "over do it" so as not to become overwhelmed. So yesterday, in my warped little mind, I started blaming him. You know, if he expected me to do something, maybe I would do it! HOLY COW!! What is up with that? I caught that one pretty quick! LOL

Luckily, may day ended sober, with love and laughter included!
Missy

Little Missy

What a shame, I'm having to bring my stinkin thinkin thread back to life. Today just sucks! Even with all the things I keep reminding myself I am grateful for. I feel the crap building up, yet again. Mom will have been dead 3 years on Mother's Day. It is just kicking my a$$. Even caught myself saying I just don't care anymore (about not drinking). Just take the pain away.
I guess I'll just sit hear and feel sorry for myself, because that's what I feel I want to do. Such stupid thoughts like why should I be happy when Mom's gone. I know she is happy and want's me to be that way. Right now, I just don't care.
There's a guy from AA that sometimes sits out at the mall, and another that works there. I might pack up the kids and go visit them, after I call my sponsor. Just don't want to leave the house. You know how those beer joints have a way of sucking us in. I know it's all me, I can say all the things I'm suppose to. Just don't feel like believing them today. Talk about self destruction!
Well hell! What a mess!
Missy :beerchug:

Dan

Well, you know, fact is you're doing all you need to do. In the space of a few short minutes, you've disputed the fact that drinking would solve anything.
Calling your sponsor, packing up the kids and going for a cruise, hooking up with some others like you. Dang! No worries here.

mnj1024

Sorry about your mom missy Just try to remember that she is at peace right now. give yourself a break on that thinkin, make your phone call, and head down the mall (just don't make any pit stops on the way ) It may help to get out and take your mind off things. remember we all love ya!

ted

((((lil'ONE))))
YOUR MOM WOULD WANT YOU HAPPY,THINK OF ALL THE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD WITH HER,CELEBRATE THEM.I KNOW GRIEF IS A HARD THING TO DEAL WITH.SHE IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU WITH A PROUD HEART.
STAY STRONG MICHELLE WE NEED YOU HERE!!!! :veryhappy

ted

JaySee

Hi Little Missy

I've had a short bout of that today. I agree with Dan, you've worked it out. When it pops up, I try to remember the last time I had "Stinking Thinking" and remember that it does go away. Then, I'm just a little bit stronger for when it knocks on my head again.!!!

Much love

JC

mackat

heh missy
sorry to hear of your pain- being, human, i don't have a lot of choice about my emotions; i do have a choice about my reactions to them...sounds like you are doing the healthy things to deal with these very real feelings. congratulations!!
stay in touch
mackat

Little Missy

Well, I feel much better now! Hooray! Called the sponsor, then called her sponsor. She had me doing dishes! Yuck! But it worked. I'll keep at it. It is so nice to know that the feeling of doom does not last all day, or even an hour in this case. What a wonderful feeling I have now! I made it!

While I was making my calls, reading the highlights in the BB, and praying, I still had my stinkin thinkin going on. It is soooooooo funny now! I kept telling myself that I was doing what I was suppose to be doing. Still had my mind made up that I was going to drink. I was even going to prove to Dan that doing these things wasn't going to work. Crazy little girl I am! Thought he had put too much faith in me! But what do you know, it worked. Won't the ole timers get a kick out of this newbie!

Thank you all for your support!
Love you all,
Missy