In bed at 8 pm - sober but heartbroken
 

Well as I said I'm in bed very early. First day drinking nothing. Last night was awful asleep at ten awake at one am , just watching the clock until 5:30 when I had to get up for work. Spent all morning running to the loo to throw up as I had eaten nothing really for 3 days. Then my partner told me he has rented a place ( he has been gone three weeks to get some space ) ran to the loo again. Got some sleeping pills today so praying I get some sleep to tonight. This is the first night he has ben gone that I havnt drunk anything. I was nt getting smashed every night but definitely trying to get into that other space. Numb myself. My partner says he isn't giving up on me just giving us some space to sort it out , whatever that means. He is by no means perfect and we have had a pretty dodgy time of it in the last 13 years. But this year I thought it was looking good we moved into a new place and it felt like a family. But I guess what he felt was that he was living with a drinker who shouts and gets abusive and shamefully is so pissed I wet the bed, him having to wake up in my cold urine and I'm 37 yr old mother. Pretty gross ( I wouldn't tell my best friends that info). His way of dealing with it was just to stay away from home at night drinling at the pub, only he never comes home in a state. He certainly has never wet the flippn bed!!! Anyway he wants space , not sure of that's just a euphemistic way of saying goodbye. I guess sometimes it is , sometimes not. So now it's back to just me and the kids , while I try try try to get through this. Alone ( except for you guys !) and try and be as normal as poss for the girls. I guess they'd rather see me in bed before them than sitting outside chain smoking and drinking and looking miserable ? Been reading on here on my work breaks And most of the night. Thought it would make it worse to read about drinking all the time, but no one is talking about happy drinking. So fine folks off to the land of nod for me, hoping its crazy dream free and can wake up with one day under my belt. X

Welcome Seiceps- the first week was rough for me , but since I stopped over time life got easier, despite my predictions of the opposite.

I have no advice on relationships, still trying to sort out my own

Thanks instant. Lol about relationships , arnt we all. Think I just need to slow down and realise I cant have a miracle fix overnight. Patiently, persistently as they told us on the Buddhist retreat I did. Moment by moment !

All journeys start with a single step Seiceps - may this be the start of yours :)

I know it's hard not to think of all that other stuff - but try not to - focus on the not drinking for now - everything else has a way of falling into place behind that, one way or the other, eventually :)

hope you get some sleep :)

D

hi seiceps,,,ditto the above replies really,,its iddy biddy steps,,take your time,,after all,"rome wasnt built in a day hunny",,and beleive me,,i was in similar situation,,my hubby had just had enough of ten yrs of me,,my kids hated me,,even my lil dog!!!!
so,,i quit,,i REALLY wanted to this time,,thats the difference for me,,not just needed to.
maybe this time apart will help yr love grow,,absence makes the heart,,,and all that ,,,,,
im a big beleiver in "space",,,so look at it positivley,,,seems like u could both do wiv some "time out",,to discover what u both need/want,,then u can build on that,,a new start , a new you,,a new life.
hang in there hunny,,it really does get better each day,,remember all you learnt on that buddhist retreat,,(lucky thing,,id love to go to one of them),,,,so, draw on that experience,,and take it one step at a time,,,we cant run before we can walk .
good luck hun,,,and keep in touch,,we are all here for u,,so visit each day ,,big hugs xx lv cleo xxxxxxxxx

The longer you stay sober the clearer your thinking will become. Right now your mind is not equipped to solve a long list of problems. So start with the biggest (drinking) and get a handle on that. Figure the rest out later.

Sounds like you have been together for a long time, through some difficult times as well. I think continuing to drink has a much better shot of destroying the relationship than space will. Sounds like your guy needs a break from all the drama and drinking related issues.

True, you won't read much about happy drinking here-that ship has sailed for most a lonnnnng time ago. Reading here will let you know you're not alone, ways others have coped, new ways to deal with problems without running to booze,etc.

The sleep thing may take awhile, but once it does, you'll finally wake up refreshed. Hang in there!

Hi Seiceps. I wanted to thank you for your post. I am back to Day One again myself after relapsing and when I read your post about wetting the bed, I smiled. Not because I think it is funny but because I had the same thing happen to me multiple times in my previous relationship. Even though we were both drinkers, that seemed to be the "bridge too far" and my ex walked out on me because of it after spending a good deal of time ridiculing me. I was so horribly humiliated that I never told anyone about it because I thought it was only me. Yes, I know people get loaded and wet the bed but when it happens to you it is particularly mortifying. Especially when you're in a sexual relationship with the person you peed on. It didn't stop me from drinking back then but remembering it is helping me to not restart drinking again tonight. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that this happened to me too and reading your post made me feel just a little bit less awful about my big "secret." Thank you.

Ptcapote , thank you !!! I reread what I had posted and was like um what did I just say ? It's a pretty heinous thing to admit isn't it but nice to know we arnt alone. Thanks for being brave enough to share that with me ! At the end of the day it's just another biological function not working Bc were drunk. I'm lucky my partner didn't redicule me, but he has certainly brought it up in his Txts to me since he left. I guess he knows how ashamed I am about it. Good good luck with your day. I feel so much better today after one day off it and some sleep. Write again soon x

Seicepts,
How are you feeling today? Hope you got a good nights rest and ready for another sober day.
Take the best of care
CaiHong

Hi thanks caihong. I'm still getting blown away by how much support is coming my way. It's just amazing. I had a better night thanks only to one and half sleeping pills although. As John Lennon ( ? ) says what ever gets you thru the night. Insomnia has always been a part of my drinking too. Havnt been able to sleep properly since I had the twins and was drinking red wine to pass out. Then awake at three : drinkers false dawn , as my friend calls it ! I use guided meditation , audio books, but honestly sometimes I can lie there for hours and hours with nothing working.

Hi Seiceps,

I was blown away by the rawness in your post and it reminded me of me as well. My first second, my first day, my first week, my first month was hell but I hung in there. It gets better the more time passes, you just have to hang on to that and the fact that you are doing the right thing for yourself by becoming sober.

Be gentle and remember that when you are feeling down, that's it's just for now, it too shall pass. In the meantime, sending you good vibes and lots of love your way.

Take care and be safe.

:welcome You're right about finding lots of support here.:) I've got three years sober with the help of the people here. :grouphug:

Aw bless you, thats what this place is invaluable for venting... let it out, get rid of it.
I hope you sleep well siceps and wake stronger than ever. :)

Hi mydee , got yr message just in time !so this will probably make some of you laugh , I'm sure it'll make me laugh in awhile but today It just really upset me. so Bc my man has left, my kids ( 12 yr old girls, twins) are having to get them selves up and ready for school as I start work at six am. This morning I rang arou d 7:20 and they hadn't gotten up to the alarm. Now one is really quick and the other , well she's of a slower pace in the morning. I asked quick twin to help out slow twin by making her lunch. I'm on the phone listening to them argue and trying to speak In neutral tones so I don't escalate the problems ( when I just wanted to shout - oh my god I hate your father, sort your s@@t out and let me get on with it - all the while feeling reprehensible that I've left my babies at home to fend for themselves. So, they made the bus. I relaxed. I get a call from slow twin ( that sounds terrible but well stick to it for now ! ) she says can you bring me some lunch my sister has made me a chilli powder sand which and I've had nothing to eat. I was furious ! I thought you nasty so and so , how could you etc etc , to the point of tears! Bc I couldn't solve the problem and felt its all my fault for not being there. Arghhhh. Told said twin off on way home from school, got so angry when she thought it was nothing and just thought DRINK !! got home read yr message. Wrote this, smiling a bit now. ☺No drinks here ! Going for a walk in an hour - then just a few more hours to go before blissfull bed and some more sleep. Just want to add - I've been on my own before with the kids , for years at a time. I never drank during the day but always had that wine waiting for me when they went to bed. Like many , many mums I assume. It's just that unfortunately those bottles started multiplying. Any tips on dealing with how to wind down much appreciated. I certainly don't want to be taking sleeping pills forever x best x seiceps

Chilli powder sandwich... come on that is a little bit funny :) well It will be when you are feeling a little better. Make lunches together before bed so no lunchtime drama? 9pm was wine o'clock in my house,had to make sure I was mega busy or distracted at that time.
Winding down?....had so many baths I may dissolve, it's the only thing that relaxes my muscles enough to sleep. And I have a pooch to have a wander with to burn off what little energy I have.
It WILL get better, gradually.

Hi seceips ..your posts make me laugh. This thing we all have most definitely sucks!!! But you have to look at the humor in it sometimes. It is so crazy the stuff we do, how we feel , how we interpret what others do/say.

A little levity goes along was
Thanks for the chuckle and stay strong:)

Oh and melatonin ( it is natural) and sleepy time tea helps to get some zzzzz's

Don't stop stopping. Keep moving. it gets better. you may still be lonely ( I am ) but honey, just think about how great you will feel waking up tomorrow. Its hell, but just keep going forward and pray, it really does help. Miracles happen and God will see you through, He loves you and wants you to be happy. Don't stop, just focus on today, you can always drink tomorrow. it works for me. Stay with us, we need you.

Hard for our bodies to wind down when our minds our wound up. I try reading, meditating or listening to gentle music. It's hard right now where you're at to think of that kind of stuff - so much goes on in our heads when we start this journey and our bodies are trying to figure out what is going on - no booze?

We've all been there, and it gets better. It really does. Vent here and don't let yourself get squirrelly. The moments of calmness will start to come slowly.

Welcome to SR :)

Hey thanks you guys !!! I'm really smiling now. Yeh a chili powder sandwich is pretty funny. She's a smart little toe rag at least. !!! Glad I'm making someone laugh ! And yes I've heard about the melatonin. Tell the truth my best friend is a naturopath and I've tried every herb in the book. She thinks I'm some mutant immune human ! Havnt given the melatonin ago tho so will try in the future. I'm sticking with the walk , even though its raining, although its pretty hot and humid here too. I really feel like I've found a gift in all of you and this site. Thank you so much x