ntmu

My family, as far I know, has not history of alcoholism. my parents very rarely drink alcohol and my brother too. they will maybe have some on like holidays. but not much more than 1 or 2.

they will not know how to respond if i tell them i have become alcoholic.
from what i know, it is likely to going to be a revolving door of fear & anger if i tell them.

i have taken the aa lesson of honesty well.
it works very well for me.

i want to just tell them.
but this may cause trouble
especially now
is not a good time
if i am just getting started with recovery

i am recently unemployed
i will need some of their help

they will have the power to
make things much worse for me if i tell them

the people here are great and understanding
or at least make an effort to be

my family may use this opportunity
to abuse me

i want to just get started here
get some time sober

but i have the burning need to tell someone

what do i do about this?

MyTimeNow

Your family are on their way now if I understand correctly.

They could make things worse? How could this be worse?

Open up and be honest is my advice. You may be surprised. I'm not meaning to patronise, but drink really does distort our perceptions.

ntmu

this is so stupid, i've been doing well with sobriety and was taking care of myself well for the last week & now my mom is going to sit across from me and see me drunk and think this is how i am everyday.

i need their support.

i need to tell them, but they have no way of understanding the way that many of you do.

what am i going to do?

AlisonW

Give them a chance to be there for you. If this is completely out if the blue for them, it may take time for the news to sink in. They may not know what to do or say - tell them what you need and how they can support you. You might want to consider a session or 2 of family counseling. Good luck

YouRmySunshine

Well you started here! & you admitted to yourself & others here that you want to be sober. Great Start! I am only 27 days sober, with the help of treatment & AA. As far as family they knew I had a problem, but you maybe surprised if you are honest with your family they might just say "yea, we knew you had a problem, we just didn't know how to approach it" Its very easy for family to pretend things are "just fine".
As alcoholics we aren't nearly as sneaky & convincing as we think we are when we are using!
I guess you just have to trust your gut, and sometimes just admit you may need to let them know at some point.

Look forward to reading what some people here with much more recovery time have to say.
All the Best!

ntmu

i don't know MTN. this is the real world you are offering advice to.

i am listening to everything you tell me though.

i need to tell them, i agree.

but it's not worth going homeless over. it's just not.
but this feeling of being dishonest is not me

i have entered the mind of recovery

oh wow

what to do...

MyTimeNow

I just saw your reply on the other thread.

You say - Revolving door of fear and anger...

that's just natural. I would add sadness too. She's your Mom, she's travelling to see you on your birthday, she loves you. Of course she is going to feel a little overwhelmed and not know what to do when seeing you in a state when she thought you were fine.

As a mother myself I would add guilt to that. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I there?

I can only advise being open and honest now.

MyTimeNow

I know and it's scary that if I've said the wrong thing then it all goes wrong that it will come back on me.

I just believe that telling the truth is the only way forward.

I'll bow out now and wish you all the very best whatever you decide. We'll all still be here afterwards. Take care and be kind to yourself and your Mom whatever happens.

ntmu

YouRmySunshine, you are very right. they know i have a problem. they have seen it very well over the years.

however, the often use this as an opportunity to manipulate me.
and say all of their ideas & beliefs are right.

as if i have no idea about anything because i've had a few drinks

take a step back

i have an addiction

i pray to stop this

but that doesn't mean that every thought i've had in life is bs either

they try to discredit my whole life over this

has anyone on here dealt with the complications of coming out to their family with alcoholism?

please help

ntmu

no MTN, don't 'bow out'. what you said is helpful. i didn't realize you are a mom too. that is who i need to ask about some things. please continue to help or at least listen. thank you.

LexieCat

If I am reading this correctly, you are afraid your parents will be unwilling to support you financially if they believe you are in trouble with your drinking, is that right?

And that they will conclude, because you are drunk today, that your mom "will think this is how I am every day." Well, it IS how you've been, for the past two days, in spite of the fact that you put together a little sober time.

Your sobriety does not depend on your parents, or whether you have a job, or whether you have a roof over your head. What you say to them doesn't matter. What their reaction is doesn't matter. What matters is that you make sobriety your number one priority, and, as I said, the rest will fall into place.

People in all kinds of desperate situations have recovered. Do you really think you are so different from them? That your problems are so special and insurmountable that they have to stand in your way?

Your life, man. Your choice. You keep believing that, and you're right, things can get a lot worse.

hypochondriac

Hey ntmu. Telling your family about this for the first time can be tough for sure, and I'm not sure what to advise as my own experience with this has been a mixed bag. I told my mum and sisters after I'd been sober for a few months and was sure I wasn't going to drink again. My mum didn't respond well and it's still a problem sometimes. Mainly because she feels helpless. And she is, totally, and I don't know how to explain that that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Problem is I thought that telling them after I'd quit would get me some sort of kudos. It didn't and they were concerned. Thing is though no one can make me feel as sh;t as they do. They have in no way used my drinking against me but I fear their judgement a lot. I think it has been my own emotions which have made this difficult for me. I don't think anybodies family would intentionally try to hurt them or manipulate them but it may feel like that. I know you said you'll need their help so telling them can only be a good thing. Despite the problems with my family they have been supportive and it's helped to have them on side. But I'd imagine it will be very emotional for you nonetheless. I think you need positive support right now, to increase your confidence to help you quit, and with the emotions tied up in families I'm not sure they can help you as such. It may be an idea to get some outside support if you haven't already... Good luck xxx

ntmu

hi Lexie,

i agree with what you say, but i am not sure they will understand this. i want to make sobriety a priority. going to meetings, finding help, for hours every day for at least a year, is my plan.

however, it's been a lot of, not work, but personal transformation or something to just get myself on board.

now i have to get them on board too?

i'm new to recovery.

i don't want them to pull the rug out from under me while i've just recently come to this huge acceptance.

i need to ask for their help while i do this work, but they may not understand the need for me to do this work.

i think you agree that this will take some time.

like me, like them, they will see me get better soon & just say ok, your better now.

my instincts tell me i need to seriously work on sobriety for quite a while before i jump back to every day living.

how do i explain that to them? they have no way of understanding this. it might upset them more, but it is true.

i really do need to make this a priority & it will take time.

i need to get them to realize this.

i still have about 3-4 hours before i see them. i look like sh*t.

help. anything anyone posts here is appreciated.

thank you,

ntmu

thanks hypo. so far everyone's telling me to just tell them.

f

this is a big deal.

i am seriously concerned with this making matters worse, just saying.

at least i'm telling you people.

prior, i was telling barely anyone, but most of my friends, if they talk to me anymore, are very aware of the problem.

i've definitely earned my place in any kind of alcoholics club.

this is a beast, for sure.

ntmu

ugh, i hope the withdrawls are not too bad in the next few days...

LexieCat

Maybe you could hand them a copy of the Big Book to read, suggest that they go to a couple of open AA meetings (not necessarily with you) to learn more about alcoholism. It might be a way to break the ice.

Al-Anon is a good resource for them to find out what they can do to cope with any of their own feelings around your drinking.

But remember this, it isn't their job to understand alcoholism, it's yours. And if that means you feel they will not support you financially (which is their right--you are an adult), then you may have to look into other ways to support yourself. You don't have to take months off from working, or from looking for a job, to stay sober. It is doable; other people have done it. You need a good sponsor to help guide you, to help you stay on track and keep your priorities straight.

MyTimeNow

I can be here and I am listening, but I've just cleaned up a pile of sick from my 15 year old son's bedroom, spent the afternoon with my daughter in the bathroom and am feeling none too well myself.

I could chat with you for the next few hours until your parents arrive but I will still have the same opinion. Be honest. Be open. That's where it starts.

My mum isn't an alcoholic, but she made relationship choices and I was brought up by 2 alcoholics. One physically abusive, one mentally. I hated my mum for years and my word did I make sure she knew it.

She loved me, stood by me through all those years of grief I gave her. She's my closest person now, the one I tell all to, share all with. My teenager is starting to kick off with me. Would I ever give him anything but love and support? Absolutely not.

If your Mom is different then I apologise, but if she didn't care, she would not be travelling to see you on your birthday. You can do this.

hypochondriac

You absolutely do not have to get them on board. It has been a huge thing for me to accept that it's not the end of the world if other people don't get what I'm doing. I haven't found a whole lot of non alcoholic people who get this. Have you considered the possibility of them not accepting it. My mum found it hard to believe and I still think she thinks I'm over reacting. But it doesn't change that you have to do what you have to do.

And I didn't mean to sound in my post that I was a vote for telling them. I'm absolutely 50/50 on that. If you think telling them will be detrimental to your recovery then maybe don't. But even with bad side effects I think being honest has really helped my sobriety x

ScottFromWI

Ntmu: honesty is always a better solution than lying, hiding or covering up. There are no exceptions. Be honest with your parents, but also be prepared for the consequences of reality. It will be better in the long run, even if it seems worse in the short term.

ntmu

sh*t