Hopefull78

I joined SR less than a year ago...I have not been on here regularly because when I am drinking I feel bad and avoid it...SR is a wonderful/truthful/terrifying mirror to my lies/life.
In the last 8 months I have a great 3 almost 4 month stretch of sobriety. I did try AA..it was just o.k for me. i have tried RR/AVRT and I like it a bit more. I FEEL better about it...does that make sense?
I have struggled with alcohol, I realize now, for nearly 8-10 years. I have only called myself a alcoholic in the last year. And I mean "call myself" like I beat myself up in my mind..almost like I am calling myself a "bad" name. Sometimes It actually feels better to say it out loud than to hear it in my head. I drank for the first time maybe in jr high. Had a few sips and it was a huge deal..got drunk in high school several times. Catholic School for 12 years (I also have major conflicts with faith/religion) my dad was a teacher at my high school so I kept my nose clean, so to speak. Didn't do pot till college. Was pretty well in control till my mid-late 20's. now I am 35 and I am a huge once healthy hot ass mess.
I married a wonderful man he loves me more than I love him and that is because I don't even love myself. I am afraid he will realize that one day..
I am raw and scared and want to quit for real. I come to SR and admire the strength and raw emotion you all share and want to say thank you..I have not stayed sober but because of this site I WANT TO

least

You too can have peace in your life. Have you seen your doctor for help in quitting? Getting past the first week can be hard.

I used to feel hopeless too and felt like a loser who could never stay sober. But I didn't give up and now have three years. Don't give up! You can do this.

Hopefull78

Yes, least, I am not new to this. I have seen a doctor but not very recently. Recently I am maintaining ..floating through life really. I know what makes me super sick and avoid it but sometimes fail. I like I said tried AA... I just am lost. Thank you for responding

happyguy445

for me AA is working well. it's not as easy as i would like (a month sober so far) but something alot of people have said to me that i really like is that "you would go to any length to drink/drug, you must go to any length to stay sober". peace comes with increased time in sobriety! at least that's my experience

Lenina

hopeful.

hi again. There's a book titled "You Can Heal Your Life" by Loiuse Hayes. It helped me a lot in the beginning. I think we need to clean from alcohol for a while before we can heal.

Give it a read.

love from Lenina

PS. (((least))) is totally awesome!

Nonsensical

This is just Day 13 for me, but I feel a sense of elation that I am conquering my addiction. If you were staying sober for 3-4 months and not feeling that relief, that joy, that triumph, then perhaps you have more going on than just an addiction. I suggest laying off the juice and if you still feel unpeaceful, try a little therapy. I'm no doctor or counselor, just an interested bystander. Best of Luck!

mecanix

Hi Hopefull78,
We share stength and raw emotion .....it must have took a fair amount of that to write those lines so you're one of us now

You made three months of sobriety so if thats possible then i wonder what else could be ?
maybe if you keep on coming back even when you feel bad, if you feel like it let some of the bad out and "vent" or if you don't feel like that and just keep on reading, learning and trying ... i recon you could get 3 months again or maybe even 3 years like least

I'm an alcoholic and i'm not knowingly bad , it's not a bad word , it's just very sad if we're having our lives controlled by drink when we don't want that .

As least said seeing a Dr at the begining is sencible , i know it seems hard to say it to someone but my alcoholism thrived on me keeping it a secret , it was easier to deal with once i was honest with those close to me

Bestwishes, M

Hopefull78

I wish to thank those who responded to my post...It is difficult to spill my heart on SR but healing as well. Today is a new day and I feel better; have a bit more encouragement thanks☺

splendra

(((Hopefull78))))

please be gentle with yourself.

Eddiebuckle

Hope,

This may sound naïve and utterly useless as advice, but to find peace you have to stop fighting.

You have been drinking for two decades, and have enjoyed sobriety for a few months. There are probably an infinite number of ways to destroy something as complicated as a human being, but likely only a few ways to restore it.

My personal experience was that drinking, though a huge problem in and of itself, was really more a symptom than what actually ailed me. When I returned home after six weeks in rehab, I very quickly realized that although I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in 45 days, virtually nothing had changed other than the liquor had been removed from my home and the people who mattered most to me knew that I wasn't "allowed" to drink anymore. It was not a happy revelation, I assure you.

My path back from that place was by way of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are other ways to find happy long term sobriety, and it sounds like you have found something that works better for you. Stay honest about what works for you and stay open and curious to all the ways others have successfully met this challenge; everyone is different – stands to reason no one solution will work for everybody. Just don’t lose faith that there is a solution for you if you are willing to find it and do what it takes to make it work.

One of the odd expressions in the AA book that initially seemed needlessly repetitive, but I have a greater appreciation for now, is this: “happy, joyous, and free.” Who doesn’t want to be happy, right? The thing is, happiness is not a random event or response to the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Here are two definitions of happiness as I understand it relative to sobriety:
Joyous is a little harder to pin down. I always thought it meant “really, really happy.” But that really doesn’t cover it, right? How about this definition of Joy:
It’s really hard to have an expectation of good when you are in active addiction, much less a passion about it. This is not to say that in recovery we should deny or avert our eyes from the bad stuff that goes on every single day. Yes, the bad exists, and often there is nothing we can do to change it. But in those few cases where we can change it, or at least mitigate the effects, that is an opportunity to create good. Don’t overlook those opportunities, however small they may seem.

And lastly, free. Freedom to me used to mean the ability to do whatever I wanted without interference or consequence from the outside world. Freedom to me is the ability to choose, and it starts with choosing not to drink just for today. But it goes beyond that, it’s all about free will. I can choose to rant, fight and lash out at all the things that are broken in my life and the wider world. Or I can nibble away at that exceptionally long list by separating out the things I have control over and actually DO something about it. Check out those quotes about happiness…

Do I have peace? Not often enough in my book. But I find that the longer I work at this, the more peace I get. Kind of like the expression: “the harder I work, the luckier I get.”

Hope, you are on the right path; this journey isn’t a sprint it is a marathon. Keep working at it, and if what you are doing isn’t working to your satisfaction, seek other ways to expand your program. You can do this, and I promise you it is worth it.

Eddie

vegibean

Aw, Hopefull, big *HUG*...

You can have better, when you are totally ready. Please don't beat yourself up, you are still in a good position for starting.

I have issues with faith as well, and I'm just honest about it today, with anyone who asks, I don't like hiding to appease others any more, I value myself more than anyone else...

I hope you keep coming back here, I'm glad you posted now, you deserve better, know that!! Hang in there.

Hevyn

Welcome Hopefull. You aren't lost - you have us.

When I first came here I was so nervous about posting and participating in discussions. I wasn't ready for help quite yet - but after a few months of reading posts I got up the courage to quit. When you first joined you weren't quite ready - but it sounds like you are now. I had to be ready, too - and now I have 5 yrs. sober. I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol - I'd used it as a crutch my whole life. Yet it was stealing my soul and destroying my spirit. I wasn't living.

I hope you'll continue talking to us and sharing your feelings. It helped me so much with the anxiety I felt when I first quit. Be proud of yourself for making this big change in your life.

renaldo

It's not a bad name. Admitting it is so much easier than hiding it. When I went to my first meeting, the speaker said, "I went from bragging about my drinking to lying about it." That's a sucky place to be. He also said that with his first drink he discovered the social lubricant factor of alcohol because he felt more sociable, being a shy person. That's also something that everyone here can understand. So don't beat up on yourself.

At this first meeting, I was astounded at how many alcoholics lived in my town, so rest assured that you're not alone, and you don't need to be. There are tons of resources here. The most I've seen in one place. So if one approach doesn't work, you can easily move on to the next one. But be assured that we all care and understand.

I invited a friend over from AA for dinner. I was preparing a complicated meal and I got hungry and ate something else while I was still cooking (and drinking). The meal came out fine and we had a lovely conversation. Unfortunately I fell down a few times.

I called him the next day to apologize. I only remembered falling down once, but he said I fell down 3 times. I was embarrassed, but he said, "that's just what alcoholics do." There was no judgementalness involved.

So, for me, admitting that I'm an alcoholic to another alcoholic is a painless scenario. Actually, it's a relief.