Possible hardcore AA sponsor, suggestions wanted.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
How is this fighting everything? If refusing to do 365 in 365 is "fighting everything" than I'm going to keep on fighting everything. I do not take kindly to being held to a standard my peers in AA aren't being held to. AA expects the world of you, and than some. It must not be for me after all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
YoungAndClean,
It sounds like you're mad at yourself for telling your parents about this potential sponsor's request to attend a meeting a day for a year. Why did you tell them? Maybe it would have worked better, if you had held off telling them until you had a sponsor you clicked with.
It sounds like you're mad at yourself for telling your parents about this potential sponsor's request to attend a meeting a day for a year. Why did you tell them? Maybe it would have worked better, if you had held off telling them until you had a sponsor you clicked with.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
First let me assure you that I am not an AA deacon. I sobered up in AA decades ago and have remained sober without meetings for most of that time. I am attending again now because my wife is being forced to go to meetings and I like her company more than I dislike attending meetings.
Contrary to what you may feel, you too have a choice. Attend a meeting a day and get free rent, utilities and whatever else you are getting out of the deal (perhaps tuition, perhaps free food or even a vehicle to use, etc.). My rent is $900/month - and so, if I got nothing else for my attendance, making aone hour meeting a day would be a $30/hour second job. Sign me up.
From the AA side of it though...I wouldn't hesitate to tell a newcomer to go to 365 meetings in 365 days. I can think of many reasons right off the bat for doing so. First, to find out if he is serious or not. Frankly, there's a plethora of people at meetings who have no interest in being there and/or don't have the resolve necessary to do what it takes to stay sober - if I'm going to take time away from spending time with my wife who I waited twenty-four years to come home to me from prison then I'm taking the opportunit to make sure that you're serious and are willing to go to any lengths - and that last bit IS in the Big Book.
Contrary to what you may feel, you too have a choice. Attend a meeting a day and get free rent, utilities and whatever else you are getting out of the deal (perhaps tuition, perhaps free food or even a vehicle to use, etc.). My rent is $900/month - and so, if I got nothing else for my attendance, making aone hour meeting a day would be a $30/hour second job. Sign me up.
From the AA side of it though...I wouldn't hesitate to tell a newcomer to go to 365 meetings in 365 days. I can think of many reasons right off the bat for doing so. First, to find out if he is serious or not. Frankly, there's a plethora of people at meetings who have no interest in being there and/or don't have the resolve necessary to do what it takes to stay sober - if I'm going to take time away from spending time with my wife who I waited twenty-four years to come home to me from prison then I'm taking the opportunit to make sure that you're serious and are willing to go to any lengths - and that last bit IS in the Big Book.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
Do you have valid reasons why you couldn't attend a meeting every day? If so, could you have a calm, well thought out discussion with this gentlemen and come to an agreement? If an agreement is reached, why not sit down with this gentlemen and your sponsor so everyone is on the same page?
Personally, my method of recovery is AA. I love meetings but where I'm getting a large chunk of my recovery is working the steps with my sponsor.
For me, I'd develop quite a resentment if I went to a meeting every day. I'm pretty much a homebody and I get seriously cranky if I don't get some down time. Never been one of those go-go-go types.
Do your best to shift your focus from the problem to finding a solution. I don't have the solution for you - but I'm sure if you put enough honest thought into it, you'll come up with one.
Personally, my method of recovery is AA. I love meetings but where I'm getting a large chunk of my recovery is working the steps with my sponsor.
For me, I'd develop quite a resentment if I went to a meeting every day. I'm pretty much a homebody and I get seriously cranky if I don't get some down time. Never been one of those go-go-go types.
Do your best to shift your focus from the problem to finding a solution. I don't have the solution for you - but I'm sure if you put enough honest thought into it, you'll come up with one.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by YoungAndClean 
I am an adult and I have already done what you suggested. I got a dead end job and saved up enough money and moved out and enjoyed my freedom drinking all the time but eventually I ended up back into the harder stuff and I crashed and burned. Its sad, looking back on it I now see why I drank and used so much. It was because I knew it was a limited offer and I wanted to enjoy my freedom till the very end.
I've put off school for years, and the planets practically alligned for me to go back and finish my senior year. But Im trapped, stuck in damned if i do, damned if i don't situation. I am getting sober for myself but its not like I have a choice to use unless you consider being kicked to the curb and having my goal of graduating college smashed a choice.
It's looking like I'm gonna just comply and go to a meeting everyday because I have to. Let this be yet another lesson of my own mouth ruining things for me. You people who love AA and socializing may not get why Im so upset about this, but for a shy introvert such as myself who is fiercly independent, this is very upsetting. But I'll comply. I wont be happy but I'll comply because its for the greater good. My life is no fun anymore, whether im sober or not. Thanks for the input SR.
I've put off school for years, and the planets practically alligned for me to go back and finish my senior year. But Im trapped, stuck in damned if i do, damned if i don't situation. I am getting sober for myself but its not like I have a choice to use unless you consider being kicked to the curb and having my goal of graduating college smashed a choice.
It's looking like I'm gonna just comply and go to a meeting everyday because I have to. Let this be yet another lesson of my own mouth ruining things for me. You people who love AA and socializing may not get why Im so upset about this, but for a shy introvert such as myself who is fiercly independent, this is very upsetting. But I'll comply. I wont be happy but I'll comply because its for the greater good. My life is no fun anymore, whether im sober or not. Thanks for the input SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Getting hang up by the 365 day meeting. Don't want to do that then try something. Its all about you feel more comfortable to what will keep you sober if that's your goal. No one is forcing to go 365 meetings in a year or going to AA at all. If you feel like AA will work then do it. If not, they something other program or just don't drink at all. Its your life and you will find out at the end what will work and what won't.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
YoungAndClean, you have 5 months of sobriety, so remake the commitment to stay sober again to yourself. 365 in 365 would be a huge achievement, but I would be afraid to do it. I'd focus on one day at a time. Settle down, you can do it. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
YoungAndClean,
I hope my earlier remark wasn't hurtful. What I'm trying to get at, is, you know your mind....listen to it, trust it and share your decisions with others when you're ready
Hope that is a bit clearer - keep posting,
I hope my earlier remark wasn't hurtful. What I'm trying to get at, is, you know your mind....listen to it, trust it and share your decisions with others when you're ready
Hope that is a bit clearer - keep posting,
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hello SR family. Thank you all for being patient with me yesterday. I was so incredibly upset the entire day and I'm usually not so hostile. To answer one of your guys questions, I've graduated highschool, I'm a senior in college and 27 years old. Yes I'm immature, but I'm working on that.
I feel what really upset me was that I was being held to a standard that my peers were not. I felt like "why me?" Why should I go to 365 in 365 when most people don't? I took it as an insult and it discouraged me because it became like, "ohh your not willing to do 365, so I guess your not willing to go to any lengths for your sobriety." That ticked me off.
I apologize for bashing AA. I love AA, I just get annoyed by it's "our way or the highway" mentality. Practically everyone there thinks they know better than you. Sometimes they might, but a lot of the times they don't. My way hasn't worked, but I'm not doing things my way anymore. If I were doing things my way I wouldn't be going to AA or working so hard to get sober while going to college full-time. You guys make it sound like I'm just some spoiled kid who should just bend over backwards in obeying my parents & AA without giving things any thought on my own.
I know all of this is intended to help me, and that the 365 in 365 was just a "suggestion." But it made me feel like I'm doing my program wrong and if I don't do 365 I will eventually relapse. Thats not cool, and it was very discouraging. I made peace with the guy on the phone yesterday, and he said he was just trying to coach me by having me go the extra mile for sobriety. He also said we could do some step-work sometime and we are on good terms with no hard feelings about me backing out on the sponsor thing.
I could do a meeting almost everyday, but the level of sacrifice (i dont own a car) is too high and if it's not in the big book I'm not going to do it. Sobriety is hard enough as is without going the extra mile. If I had no job/school and all the time in the world thats another story. I'l try to go to more meetings than I was before though. Thank you for letting me complain and get all this off my chest because yesterday I was so mad I was hitting myself in the head and contemplating giving up on everything because its not worth it. It is worth it, but yesterday it didn't feel like it.
It's a miracle I woke up sober today. In the past I would have for sure drank over this. When I get in those moods (they rarely occur) I am like a tornado of negativity and hostility. Its something I really need to get a grip on.
I feel what really upset me was that I was being held to a standard that my peers were not. I felt like "why me?" Why should I go to 365 in 365 when most people don't? I took it as an insult and it discouraged me because it became like, "ohh your not willing to do 365, so I guess your not willing to go to any lengths for your sobriety." That ticked me off.
I apologize for bashing AA. I love AA, I just get annoyed by it's "our way or the highway" mentality. Practically everyone there thinks they know better than you. Sometimes they might, but a lot of the times they don't. My way hasn't worked, but I'm not doing things my way anymore. If I were doing things my way I wouldn't be going to AA or working so hard to get sober while going to college full-time. You guys make it sound like I'm just some spoiled kid who should just bend over backwards in obeying my parents & AA without giving things any thought on my own.
I know all of this is intended to help me, and that the 365 in 365 was just a "suggestion." But it made me feel like I'm doing my program wrong and if I don't do 365 I will eventually relapse. Thats not cool, and it was very discouraging. I made peace with the guy on the phone yesterday, and he said he was just trying to coach me by having me go the extra mile for sobriety. He also said we could do some step-work sometime and we are on good terms with no hard feelings about me backing out on the sponsor thing.
I could do a meeting almost everyday, but the level of sacrifice (i dont own a car) is too high and if it's not in the big book I'm not going to do it. Sobriety is hard enough as is without going the extra mile. If I had no job/school and all the time in the world thats another story. I'l try to go to more meetings than I was before though. Thank you for letting me complain and get all this off my chest because yesterday I was so mad I was hitting myself in the head and contemplating giving up on everything because its not worth it. It is worth it, but yesterday it didn't feel like it.
It's a miracle I woke up sober today. In the past I would have for sure drank over this. When I get in those moods (they rarely occur) I am like a tornado of negativity and hostility. Its something I really need to get a grip on.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Okay change of plans. I surrendered. I called my sponsor up and I told him that I will go to a meeting everyday if he is willing to give me a second chance. I just couldn't take the shortcut and easy way out this time. There is too much on the line and if this is what I have to do then it's what I'll do. Thanks SR, if it weren't for you guys I might not have made this difficult decision. Its gonna suck, but oh well, nothing good comes easy, so wish me luck.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by YoungAndClean
Okay change of plans. I surrendered. I called my sponsor up and I told him that I will go to a meeting everyday if he is willing to give me a second chance. I just couldn't take the shortcut and easy way out this time. There is too much on the line and if this is what I have to do then it's what I'll do. Thanks SR, if it weren't for you guys I might not have made this difficult decision. Its gonna suck, but oh well, nothing good comes easy, so wish me luck.
I have been feeling pressured from myself to do 90 in 90 and have resisted it. I still have that little voice in me that doesn't believe I am worth it.
Your commitment, One Day at Time, has given me inspiration. Thank you my friend. I hope my 90 in 90 turns into 365 days once I get rolling.
We can do this with God leading the way. Thank you and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dallas
Posts: 86
Choices!!
Hello YoungandClean,
Congrats on your choice to quit drinking. It takes alot of courage.
In regards to sponsors, I do not have the magic answer. However, I laid back for a bit and took it easy and listened. I had made too many rush decisions for most of my life and still do sometimes ;-)
The types and methods of sponsors are infinite. I found someone who was willing to listen to me.
The people that I have learned the most from are the ones who led by example.
To make a long story short there are lots of sponsors, my suggestion would be to find one that has a quality or personality that you admire, in others words find someone who understands you and is willing to listen until you are tired of talking.
We are glad that you are here. Don't be shy, ask questions, take what works for you and leave the rest.
Love
CS
Congrats on your choice to quit drinking. It takes alot of courage.
In regards to sponsors, I do not have the magic answer. However, I laid back for a bit and took it easy and listened. I had made too many rush decisions for most of my life and still do sometimes ;-)
The types and methods of sponsors are infinite. I found someone who was willing to listen to me.
The people that I have learned the most from are the ones who led by example.
To make a long story short there are lots of sponsors, my suggestion would be to find one that has a quality or personality that you admire, in others words find someone who understands you and is willing to listen until you are tired of talking.
We are glad that you are here. Don't be shy, ask questions, take what works for you and leave the rest.
Love
CS
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, dude,
Good for you. Not everyone in AA would make a "suggestion" of a meeting a day for a year, and you never know--this guy may not make that "suggestion" to ALL of his spondees. Sponsors (the good ones--and I can't say whether this guy will prove to be one or not) often have almost a sixth sense about breaking down resistance that you might not even be aware of. I've heard a lot of people with years of sobriety talk about the crazy things their sponsors asked them to do. LOL, one guy was told by his sponsor that because of his service position being in charge of the meeting lists, he had to personally attend every meeting on the list. He found out later that, of course, that wasn't part of the job description. Still, he laughs about it today and says it did him a lot of good.
One thing AA has taught me is that I often don't know, myself, what is best for me. Sometimes I need to have someone who can see things in me I may not be aware of that are holding me back in some way. If you approach this with the attitude that MAYBE it will turn out to be a good thing, then your mind is open just a crack, and you might realize some real benefit from it.
So I'd say your decision to go with it and see what happens is a sign you just took a couple of steps toward maturity.
Good luck!
Good for you. Not everyone in AA would make a "suggestion" of a meeting a day for a year, and you never know--this guy may not make that "suggestion" to ALL of his spondees. Sponsors (the good ones--and I can't say whether this guy will prove to be one or not) often have almost a sixth sense about breaking down resistance that you might not even be aware of. I've heard a lot of people with years of sobriety talk about the crazy things their sponsors asked them to do. LOL, one guy was told by his sponsor that because of his service position being in charge of the meeting lists, he had to personally attend every meeting on the list. He found out later that, of course, that wasn't part of the job description. Still, he laughs about it today and says it did him a lot of good.
One thing AA has taught me is that I often don't know, myself, what is best for me. Sometimes I need to have someone who can see things in me I may not be aware of that are holding me back in some way. If you approach this with the attitude that MAYBE it will turn out to be a good thing, then your mind is open just a crack, and you might realize some real benefit from it.
So I'd say your decision to go with it and see what happens is a sign you just took a couple of steps toward maturity.
Good luck!
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Good luck with your meetings.
Personally, I think the steps, rather than meetings, are most important. I would be divorced and out of a job if I had to do 365 in 365. I wouldn't ask a sponsee to do something I couldn't do. I didn't get into AA to hide in AA. Your sponsor obviously has high expectations here. I guess my question is what if someone died and you couldn't make it? Broke your arm in an accident? Have bad viral infection? Are you now less of an AA because of this? I don't know, I see that you've made your mind up on this after much deliberation and emotional hand wringing, but I am just musing here.
Remember that your recovery is for you and you alone. If you're doing this to appease your parents and your sponsor...then it's not authentically you, and resentments build.
Having said that, best of luck dude.
Personally, I think the steps, rather than meetings, are most important. I would be divorced and out of a job if I had to do 365 in 365. I wouldn't ask a sponsee to do something I couldn't do. I didn't get into AA to hide in AA. Your sponsor obviously has high expectations here. I guess my question is what if someone died and you couldn't make it? Broke your arm in an accident? Have bad viral infection? Are you now less of an AA because of this? I don't know, I see that you've made your mind up on this after much deliberation and emotional hand wringing, but I am just musing here.
Remember that your recovery is for you and you alone. If you're doing this to appease your parents and your sponsor...then it's not authentically you, and resentments build.
Having said that, best of luck dude.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Upstate NY, in the Adirondacks
Posts: 232
Hi,
I didn't like AA, nor did I like my sponsors. I stopped before I got sober. I got sober using women for sobriety online, my counselor, and art. There is more than one way to get sober, and my issue with people like your sponsor is that they don't admit to any other way to get sober. And they are bullies and use fear to manipulate you.
I am sober 2 1/2 years, and I have a rich, full life. I feel I am much healthier than people who are sober as long as I am, and go to meetings every night. I do art, music, plays, teach full time, go to school. I do work on my sobriety, however, but my WFS group online ever bullies me.
Maybe another less intense sponsor or group would be better for you? You seem to chafe against being bullied, asI did. And do NOT believe the crap that if you don't go to AA and do the steps, you will relapse. If you have. Decided that you will never drink again, as I have, you will not relapse. There are many, many ways to get and stay sober.
Peace,
Nancy
I didn't like AA, nor did I like my sponsors. I stopped before I got sober. I got sober using women for sobriety online, my counselor, and art. There is more than one way to get sober, and my issue with people like your sponsor is that they don't admit to any other way to get sober. And they are bullies and use fear to manipulate you.
I am sober 2 1/2 years, and I have a rich, full life. I feel I am much healthier than people who are sober as long as I am, and go to meetings every night. I do art, music, plays, teach full time, go to school. I do work on my sobriety, however, but my WFS group online ever bullies me.
Maybe another less intense sponsor or group would be better for you? You seem to chafe against being bullied, asI did. And do NOT believe the crap that if you don't go to AA and do the steps, you will relapse. If you have. Decided that you will never drink again, as I have, you will not relapse. There are many, many ways to get and stay sober.
Peace,
Nancy
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