bigsombrero

I have not really enjoyed my AA experience thusfar, and I am wondering if it's partially because the meetings I go to are mixed. I went to men-only meetings in the early goings and they really helped me. No BS, just a bunch of dudes who were somewhat humble about sharing and also supportive.

But these mixed meetings feel like a high school dance. There's drama! Seriously, I'm not just perceiving things - I know there's a popularity contest going on. It feels forced, a lot of high-pitched squeals "so good to see you OMG!" I really like talking with women in recovery, but I feel like different cliques in this mixed meeting are all trying to recruit me into their little band. Last week everyone was fawning over this 'cute' guy who was the lead speaker also. And it almost feels like the crowd was very eager to create this "cool" vibe and fit in. I've been popular before, and that didn't get me anywhere - I don't want this kind of scene and it makes me feel kind of negative about AA.

Has anyone else noticed this? Do you think I am over-thinking things? Has anyone else tried both and found that same-sex meetings work better for them? Thx!

Maples

Yes. I won't go back to the meeting I hit last Thursday because there were too many people there for the wrong reasons. Texting while speakers are pouring their hearts out, giggling, some of them just not interested in recovery. It wasn't what I needed, so I am looking for other meetings instead.

The mix of men and women hasn't struck me as an issue personally, as I found a Monday meeting that is awesome and mixed. However there are clearly people going to these meetings that are not rock bottom like me and aren't interested in fixing it. They are going through the motions.

Joe Nerv

Yes, and I don't think you're over thinking things.

I notice the quality and honesty (in my sometimes very judgemental opinion ) is much different at all men's meetings than it is at mixed groups. And the more attractive women there are a meeting, the weirder things get. At times that's upset me, but I realize it just is what it is, and it's just a part of human nature. We're not perfect people, we have drives, many still don't have much control over those drives, and while many will speak of how they have no desire to impress anyone, most still want to look good and impress on some level. I don't really think there's anything all that wrong with that.

What I've found though also is that to escape this, it doesn't mean we have to go to only all men meetings. There are groups with lots of old timers that have the same vibe, and there are some step and big book meetings where the focus really is on 12 step recovery. Meeting shopping is important. If I'm being distracted at a group I'll find another. There are lots of them, and every group has a different vibe to it.

Interesting thing is happening right now at my home group. A few months back it was discovered as a safe haven for a few attractive women that were running into problems at the more "popular" saturday night group. And guess what's starting to happen.... . They're going to have to start searching for another safe haven soon because drama just seems to follow....

Must be tough to be a beautiful woman. I'm happy I'm not.

bigsombrero

Thanks, you nailed it. I noticed several people TEXTING during the meeting! I could not believe it and was really offended. And, I know this will sound judgemental so sorry in advance -- but as you mentioned, I could tell that most people were there just to "be there" and "be seen". I have hit rock freaking bottom in the past, near death, my entire life broken. I don't think this particular group has much in common there. Of course it's all about not drinking so I respect the group, but I think I will shop around more. I need a more raw experience with real talk, not fake actions.

bigsombrero

Good call. Yeah, I think I subconsciously was "checking out" some of the women there, I remember seeing a couple cute girls and thinking "hey, not bad!"....human nature at work indeed! I had to shake myself, because to me this is serious business. I am not trying to really make friends or win over a crowd - just stay sober. I will keep "shopping", thanks for the feedback!

laurie6781

I don't think you are 'over thinking' this.

I too in early recovery found the 'women's meetings' best for me. Later with some
great step work and working on me I was able to look at the 'mixed meetings' and
whether they were 'closed' or 'open' meetings with new eyes.

For a long time now, I have shared this experience with my sponsee and have also
suggested that they go to women's meetings to 'get their bearings.' I personally
believe that by going to the same sex meetings in our earlier recovery we/I can/
could get more out of the meetings, with LESS DISTRACTIONS.

If you found the men's meetings more to your liking, then by all means GO TO THEM!

You are going to have a lot of your opinions 'change' as you get further into recovery
and figure out more about YOU.

Until then, if the men's meetings are working for you well ................ you have
your answer!

Love and hugs,

Nonsensical

I've been to both, and I never noticed a difference in sharing quality - but you have to do whatever works for you.

I do want to share something from a mixed meeting that really stuck in my head, though. This was a fairly big meeting, from my experience - about 60 people there. About half women. I was sitting near the back while a female speaker told her story. At one point she told of an episode where she went out with friends, but when they wanted to leave she still wanted to stay and keep drinking. A group of guys offered her a ride and she accepted. She partied with them while and then they all left. On the way home they all forced sex on her, and she was too drunk to effectively resist.

While her story appalled me, what really struck home was that nearly every female head in the room gave a little nod, as if to say, "I know what that's like". Chilling.

Sorry, I know it's off-topic from the original intent, but I learned something at a mixed meeting I would not have learned elsewhere.

Coldfusion

One thing perhaps you have not considered--have you looked into NA meetings? Alcohol is a drug.

bigsombrero

I think you have mentioned that before Coldfusion. I admit I did not think much about it the first time you said something, but since I am once again presented with this, I might have to look into it.

There were 6-14 of us rotating in my "small group" in treatment and at least half of us were narcotics abusers. Pills, heroin, crack, meth, you name it. As an alcoholic I completely understood the connection, and also liked the no-nonsense treatment. Especially in the beginning - I didn't need a warm hug, I needed a kick in the rear.

I am not sure what I need now, but I do know I need something!

oinobares

I love my men's meeting. It is the core of my program. I never miss it if it can be helped. I still visit mixed meetings of course, but none of them give me what I get at the men's group. Hope you find what works for you! Keep on seeking.

2granddaughters

I got something out of every meeting I've been to. Many times the lesson comes days/weeks later.

I pay little attention to what the others are doing while the speaker is talking. I listen.

I try not to judge the meetings... in reality, if the others knew the real ME .. they'd throw me out. I'm grateful to be accepted.

All the best.

Bob R

Coldfusion

In my opinion, the AA program is worded to gently coerce people into figuring out their own way of quitting. Alcohol is socially accepted (even promoted) and it usually kills slowly. Bill Wilson knew the AA "Big Book" he wrote was trite; he wanted people to say, "This is not for me, I need to do it my way!" And then figure out a higher power, surrender to it, and so forth. Somewhere along the way, people may quit drinking.

Drug addicts are in a different situation--they are truly on the edge of jails, institutions, or death. They need to quit using now and figure out a higher power later. NA gives a kick in the rear. "Ours is a program of total abstinence." The wording of the NA "Basic Text" is updated frequently.

I have thought that a good therapy for habitual alcohol relapsers would be to attend a few big-city NA meetings.

..and one note of protoco0l, at NA meetings we introduce ourselves as, "Hi, I'm Xyz, I'm an addict." Thanks.

Threshold

I went to an all girls high school and people often asked me (still do) if it was horrible...nope, I appreciated it for EXACTLY the reason you describe here...I was more able to focus on studies and platonic friendships, because I wasn't involved in hooking up during school hours.

There are good mixed meetings, but if you are in a place where you feel same sex meetings are the place for you, and you have access to them, more power to you!

ideally we can tune out that stuff and take the real recovery away from any meeting, but sometimes I'm in a mind state where it's hard to do that and I need to remove myself. It's self care if I am doing it for legit reasons.

Bigndfan175

BigS - my experience is that every group is a bit different and going to dozens of different meetings helped me find those meetings where I felt most comfortable. I imagine chicago has a 1000 meetings a week (or more) to choose from:
What's your plan going forward?
Meetings in Chicagoland Area | Chicago AA | AA Meetings Chicago | Chicago Alcoholics Anonymous

Maples

This was the other thing I learned about that meeting I described on the last page. Many of the younger AAers were dating each other, hooking up, there was gossip. I met a guy who used that meeting as his home group. He left for exactly what I described. The drama was overshadowing the need for real recovery.

My sponsor shared Bob R's attitude, you need to be there for you, not them. Go sit in the front row and tune them out. However, each person reacts differently and one of my issues is social anxiety and it gets keyed up when there is a hissing whisper din in the back of the room constantly..

choublak

Is that why they always like to say "only YOU know if you're an alcoholic"? I always thought that line was kind of BS. Maybe I'm missing something.

Threshold

Through talking to others who I could see were serious and dedicated to their own recovery, and trying different groups and meeting times, I found some meetings where that sort of thing wasn't tolerated. I noticed that some of the people who were the most attention getting, flirty, etc at certain meetings, were very down to business at meetings with a different "tone"!

I found I did better when I put myself in the atmosphere of recovery. Same here on SR, I pick and choose my threads, and avoid drama and contention when I sense them.