ntmu

hey Lexi, i'm sure you've done your fair share of crying and had these times i am in. you may have kept it in the closet. i'm exposing the reality of a drunk trying to get sober. i am not opening myself up to get kicked around. i am not a spoiled little so & so, i've walked different terrain than a lot of these people and will continue to.

but in my experience, it's a lot rougher than some people have dealt with, on my streets.
i could be 'numbed out', but i still have to know when to protect my self from barbie dolls or much worse.

LexieCat

Oh, trust me, I've been where you are right now.

I say this with all the compassion in the world, what you are doing right now is not helping you. You don't need pity, you need to take a few small actions toward saving your own life. When you do go to a meeting, you will hear from plenty of people with obstacles as big, or bigger, than your own.

ntmu

i know Lexi, sorry for being a pain in the a** here, but i actually went to a meeting today and they were close due to the weather. i mentioned this time is not so easy.

ntmu

it's almost 10pm, i've got in the habit of staying up until 2am. i have some beer & cigs. i want to be done with this by Monday. rawr

Sasha4

I think if you look up the term 'terminally unique' and see how it applies to you then you might stand a chance of putting some decent sober time together.

Sasha4

And by the way happy 18th/21st birthday?

MyTimeNow

I hope you managed to get some sleep ntmu and there's no more beer for today. If it were me and I wanted to be done by Monday I'd be spending the whole of Sunday in bed.

Seriously, you have to put it down at some point and it's not going to feel pretty. I can only recommend bed, lots of fluids and something light on the stomach to eat if you can handle it.

ntmu

I've majorly embarrassed myself here. I've insulted people that know what they are doing. Now what?

This was my the best thing for recovery that I've found in 10 years.

All I can say is that it was very real for me when it was happening.

I wish I could make all of that unhappen.

I still need help. My parents are on their way in a few hours. Then Monday I have to bite the bullet.

Lots of sleep later is a good idea.

I don't know how to get the forgiveness I will need from the people here that I have insulted.

Please I will need your help.

ntmu

& no, I am not turing 18/21, lol, add about 15 years to that.

Again, I need to make amends to you people.

How do I do that?

MyTimeNow

Well you haven't insulted me, so it's easy for me to say - we've all been there. We all understand and we are all rooting for you.

This sounds like such a tough time for you and I can't say I understand your family issues completely. I wish you could bite the bullet now, but figure that isn't going to happen. Your choice.

We'll all still be here when you do. Do take it easy though eh? Good luck and best wishes for your birthday.

LexieCat

Dude, you don't owe anyone any amends at this point. We've all been there, done that, said/done things under the influence we would not otherwise have done.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut the excuses you are making for yourself (and trust me, I made my share of excuses) and DO it. The parents, the other stuff in your life, will take care of themselves.

The "next right thing" (a phrase with which I hope you will become familiar, shortly) is to take that leap of faith, stop drinking, and let those who know how to navigate sobriety guide you.

I hope your next birthday comes, and I hope it is better than this one. That's largely up to you.

ntmu

ok, but hiding my thread is not the answer.

do not abuse your power.

this is not about cheating.

i want recovery

i want to be sober

do not just hide this thread

i will want it deleted, sure

in the meantime

i am begging for help

from the people that i insulted

i am an ass

but i very much need help

ntmu

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrK5u5W8afc

jkb

ntmu-
I am very glad you are ok... Are you still drinking? I know how bad you must be feeling....binges suck...jkb

ntmu

posts 72 & 73 were repeats, i did not do that. wtf

yes, i woke up had some, i want to put this dinner behind me.

ok, so brings up a good topic.

obv, i'm having an issue telling my family & the pressure made things worse.

i haven't shaved in about 2 weeks. i'm smelly. it's my birthday.

i was making good progress, but my mom is only going to see me for how i am today.

i do not wish this problem on anyone.

for some reason, my spiritual practice is tugging on my sleeve right now.
i'm not sure i can do it. i'm starting to cry.

jkb

DONT PANIC... Today is your birthday? Hey ntmu, you can do this.... It is a problem for sure but, it is not one you can't conquer. Get through your birthday... Take a shower, shave, do the dinner thing but, dont cry. Maybe decide if you plan on drinking today or not. If you do then dont try to talk to them when your half lit.... that probably wont go over well.

MyTimeNow

Your mom loves you. It sounds like you have put so much pressure on yourself over this one day. I can sort of relate - my birthday is Boxing Day (26 Dec) crappy childhood, plus fake smiles on Christmas Day always equalled I cannot stand to do it all over again, I don't want my birthday to happen.

You can either open up now to your mom how bad it is, or go get in the shower and pretend... even though she will more than likely know anyway but turn a blind eye.

I honestly don't know what to suggest now. I would be open and honest and say this is how bad it is, I need help from you Mom. If you can't do that, get through it and then stop. Stop.

ntmu

thanks MTN, i posted a new thread about this because i know it is a whole big thing to open up.

ty