vegibean

I do hope that you're going to get plenty of rest, eat well, stay in bed, watch some movies, get some strength and hit that meeting. Best to you ntmu.

Dee74

c'mon man - everyone here knows what you're feeling.

I certainly remember what it was like ntmu - I'm not spouting wind.

I remember the despair, the anger, the self pity....how I felt I was both justified and yet powerless to do anything but finish the bottle, except maybe get another one.

but... I also have experience of making another decision and going a different way - and staying sober.

I can't make you choose - but maybe later you'll see there is always a choice.

again, take care of yourself.

D

ntmu

i had to just call my family and tell them to get my birthday out of the way already. i can't take it one more day.

they do not understand.

they ask, what they can do to help.
but the only thing they can do right now is stay out of the way for at least a year.
they do not understand this.

at some point i will have to introduce them to some kind of support group or something.

wtf

i'm only now finding such a unique combination of things to help myself.

they will never understand.

it's not like 'just don't do it, now get a job and it's all better now'.

please, i was put down earlier with some one suggesting that.

i was told by not my sponsor, but my mentor, to be able to show that i can take care of myself for at least 6-12 months before i make much more of any other plans.

i seem to agree. i had a week under my belt.

the complications of the storm, my birthday, my parents insisting on visiting on changing days, was too much. on top of that i watched a movie last night that got me all riled up. I. I need to make sobriety my priority every day, every hour, every minute for at least a month, then maybe every hour, and always every day.

i agree. if i can not show that i can practice self care consistently for at least 6-12 months, it is not worth it for me to just get a job and deal with it at this point - in the long run.

this is my life on the line. as it has been many times before.

it is not worth it to just get a little better and tell everyone everything's ok now.

i need to establish this for much longer than a week.

my family does not understand and that becomes a whole downward spiral in it self.

if i need to just cancel all plans with them for the next year while i recover, they cannot understand this, but in the long run it may be much worth it for the best.

does anyone have experience with this that can help me out?

i am praying for a future me. please.

i'm not a bad guy, but i have a very bad addiction.

please.

ntmu

sorry, but i figure you are strong enough to grab on to.

i'm going down here. ya know?

i know if i knock this off for a few days things will look different and i've already embarrassed myself with this thread, but the truth is

i am only on day 2 and don't know when it will end.

i'm sure i will spout some gibberish, some not until then.

either way, i need much more than a week under my belt before i get into too much normal people stuff.

if i could afford an inpatient rehab that wasn't horrible i think maybe that's where i should be at this point.

ntmu

some one just say some thing. play a guitar or some thing. please.

ntmu

this is not AV anymore that got me to get more. it was physical. going through withdrawals cannot be all AV either.

ntmu

if you got nothing to say, which may be best, just say hi or something.

i'm off to another chat site then that does nothing for my recovery, but at least, i dunno, today is shot for me, but i have to get through it.

jkb

You do have to get through this. Do it safely....

Dee74

Don't attack the mountain - keep it simple ntmu - bite sized chunks...

your target right now should be to stop drinking again - you won't be able to think clearly about anything else til you do.

D

ntmu

i know, i need family out of the way, they don't understand.

bemyself

ntm, oh dear, I sure know how you must be feeling...and so do many others here.

I don't know which country you're in - I"m guessing the States (cause of the snow?). But here in Aus, you can call several hotlines for a rant and a rave: Drug and Alcohol hotlines, Lifeline, and of course the AA ones.

The intense isolation you're surely feeling - in your head (I know THAT territory well) - can at least be eased a bit by 'just talking to another human being' who won't judge, who'll listen.

Thinking of you
Vic

Dee74

not sure where you are ntmu but here's some national USA hotlines

Alcohol and Drug Helpline
(800) 821-4357

Alcohol Hotline
(800) 331-2900

D

bemyself

Hoo-ooray, bless you Dee...I was literally thinking of asking if one of the mods could post some USA hotline numbers. Only thought of that because I totally remember how when you're really drunk, over a period of time too, even navigating through a phone directory and things like that is too befuddling.

Sasha4

They won't understand if they are not addicts too.
How can anyone who is not an addict totally understand how it feels to be crawling the walls?
But is that their fault?

Personally I would be devastated and heart broken if my daughter said she did not want to spend her birthday with me.
I guess thats just how some families are.

Sasha4

And why do you have to celebrate your birthday with a beer at a family dinner?

Why not just have an orange juice or a coke?

ntmu

yeah, thanks. same way here. i'm hoping someone will chime in.

you do not know the complex relationship with me & my family.

however, i am an adult. the age i am turning is an unquestionably adult age.

i am in so early recovery that i am not even in it yet.

people need some 'running room' to make a good leap.

they keep showing up every time i get momentum.

i had a good friend tell me, who is older, has been through this and trying to honestly save my life from getting worse than it already is, tell me;

focus on my sobriety every day for one year, so i can save time and really accomplish something with the rest of my life. to get my best self, my best potential self, my future self to avoid a gruesome fate. he is not kidding.

i'm not going to post his story here.

you do not know my troubles.

if i need my family out of the way for a year to save my life, so be it. as long as I do the work it is worth more than we can imagine.

please support me in doing the work. i will work here. i will go to meetings. i am looking for a suitable therapist. i already have a spiritual practice that i have strayed from.

i just need to get sober for a few to get out the door.

i just want to have a few beers with my family for bday dinner, then that's it for at least one year.

i hope to sound much better in a year from now.

if you see all of this typing, that's towards a parent that is not even mine, let alone trying to talk to my own.

please, i will do it, give me the space to do so.

i am not on SR for hours every day because i don't want to do this. yes the opposite.

thank you.

ntmu

this is embarrassing, but i'm sharing it here for you all to see & hopefully someone to learn from.

Hanna

Don't let money be the issue for getting treatment. There are wonderful programs all over the country that are free. My brother attended one (after several that were decidedly NOT free) and it was hard hard work and sometimes not so pleasant but he did the work and he's clean and sober today. You could be on your way to one of those programs very soon if that is what you want.

Ask your family to attend Al-Anon, or check out the Friends and Family forum here. If you can get them here, we can help them understand. Don't let them get in your way, either. Tell them what you really want for your birthday is for them to spend 3-5 hours educating themselves. That's only slightly more than the time it takes to go out to dinner. You can always find a reason to push this off. Your birthday, then what else comes after that?

shoreladylu

Im not a big pusher of AA. I've never been, but I do know they help a lot if people, and you sound like you need someone- a real physical someone- to help you get started on the right track/ help clear your head. I think you've gotten yourself to the point where you have no choice but to turn off the voices keeping you from a meeting just long enough to just get there- you can't wait for a sober moment. I don't know if you've ever been overweight, but this is the same logic overweight people use when it comes exercise. "I can't go to the gym until I'm thin enough to fit in at a gym" Defeats the purpose lol. I'm sure the people at AA are use to seeing people in all sorts of states. You've got many people here pulling for you judging by all the responses youre getting. Good luck- you can start your sobriety if you just try push yourself in the beginning even when it's hard. And it only gets easier to be sober the more time you spend sober.

LexieCat

All these obstacles you keep posting about--your family, your birthday, all that stuff.

NONE of it has to stand in the way of your getting sober. I remember I always thought, "Oh, if I could just get a break with my job," or "I'm too busy to go to meetings and do all this recovery stuff."

I got miserable enough, and I dragged my sorry butt to a meeting and went to one every day for 90 days.

You are making excuses. I'm sorry you are feeling terrible, but being drunk and hopeless is a terrible way to feel. When you are ready to be done with it, you can do it. You get yourself a sponsor who will help you navigate the logistics of early sobriety, including dealing with your family.

Sitting there crying to us while you keep drinking is not going to help you. None of us can make it easy. You have to do the heavy lifting. We will be there to support you, but nobody here can do it for you.