peanuts7

its scary that my mind has already dulled the embarassment of being taken to hospital and my behaviour there, the very public passing out, the four day hangover. im playing the incident down in my mind very well. ive made excuses why that session and the preceding ones went as far as they did, obviously not my fault, just a victim of unfortunate circumstances. it wont end like that again.

there is no alcohol in the house and im not going to be around any for the weekend. but next weekend, a good friend of mine is hosting a leaving party in town. i have already told myself i will drive there, stick to coke and leave when they move on from the first bar. that has turned in to i will not drive just in case, know my limits and leave early. then it turned in to 'maybe i can go a little crazy, but stop before i get too far. i dont want to miss out on the fun.'

i am very scared of the way my mind is operating. if i feel like this now, it is very likely next week that i will totally let myself down. i cant back out because she and a few others would be very disappointed with me as there is already going to be a fairly poor turnout.

i dont know what im asking really, just venting i guess. i hate this :'(

Nonsensical

Been there, done that. Keep looking around the forums. There is a lot of great information here about a variety of ways to get (and stay) sober. One of them will work for you.

BruceJ

"I can't back out because .....{fill in the blank}......"

You may want to re-examine that one. Just sayin....

All the best.

bbthumper

"i cant back out because she and a few others would be very disappointed with me as there is already going to be a fairly poor turnout."

THis could be re-worded as "I cant do what is necessary to save my own life because I may disappoint someone." If you feel like you're going to drink then why go?

Natom

You know what's going to happen if you go. You're just trying to justify it about a week before it's happened. What we struggle to remember as addicts and alcoholics is that every time we go off on a binge we increase the risk of pretty much everything happen. What's to say that by the time the party rolls round you've decided to drive. And you get blind drunk and decide to drive home? There's no shame in pulling out of a social gathering for something like this. If they are real friends they would also understand.

Natom.

Pamel

...or take a sober friend with you. Explain (if you need to) that you have a visitor staying with you.

You know, we are so weird in that we feel compelled to explain not drinking, but if you carefully look at any "party" MOST people do not drink alcohol. (That came as a shock to me!)

heath480

Oh peanuts,I read that as you have already decided you will drink at the party.

Remember what happened to you last time you picked up a drink,you got away with it last time, you may not the next.


It might be a good idea to turn down this invitation,just my thoughts.

Wishing you well.

ReadyAtLast

For me,so early on I knew I would drink if I went into a drinking situation as had done it so many times before. When I seriously wanted to get sober I had to be selfish and put myself first which meant not meeting up with people who were drinking ,no matter what the circumstances

Spinach

Peanuts , things are going to end up fine maybe not next week but soon.
I think you've really got to step down and admit you're taking some time out .
These big nights so soon after look like pancreatitis time acute or chronic .
Fantastic your here. Give yourself a chance.
John.

doggonecarl

If you need to refresh you memory, read you first post.

That we'd forget how bad it was, that's the insanity of alcholism...

That we'd think about drinking, that's the insanity of alcoholism...

Acting on those thoughts, that's on you.

Stay strong.

ntmu

I appreciate you being honest and showing yourself vulnerable here with your thinking. I'm not going use that opportunity to tell you I already know what will happen, that you're gonnna die, drop your friends, blah, blah.
But I also totally relate to your thinking, I could see my mind start to take precautions just in case I drank, which may have actually reduced some harm over the years, I did manage to find safer ways of drinking.
Maybe now when I start to see myself taking these precautions, I will just do something else and not start negotiating with my addiction because I've found that when I do that the alcohol weakens my will and I give in. Then it goes on and on and on and on and on and on for me.
I am also in very very early recovery.
After many years of waffling, the right person, not just anyone could have asked me to do this, asked me to commit to a year of sobriety by going to meetings, checking in on here, finding a therapist, etc, spending time with recovery everyday for a year.
Sorry to be rambling on on your thread, I'll start posting these things on my own.
But I can relate to what you are saying.
I could see what could be coming from a distance.
I would have liked to have been able to at least mention it to someone, but never did. Then down the road I'd always end up in a mess, where I safely saw the warning signs long before, from a quite a distance, and wish I had told someone.
Over & over this happened.
I understand the complexities of peer pressure, relationships & friends as well.
I don't want to let my friends down because I am a good friend.
And I want and value good friends.
Maybe next time I can use this same honesty and awareness, similar to what you are showing us, with my friends. Tell them I have a problem with drinking, I am in early recovery, this situation is too risky for me right now, please understand. This may also help them with supporting me in the long term as well.
It's a start.
Thank you.

quitforme79

I tried to "limit" myself at parties often. Eventually I stopped going altogether so I could drink at home alone. I was unable to guarantee myself that I would stop drinking before I made a fool of myself. You are now aware that drinking leads to some serious consequences for yourself. On my last drink I blacked out and drove, something I NEVER did while drinking. What would be next? I kill someone because I drive drunk in a back out? Gives me shivers just thinking about it.

MadameX

Alcoholic Voice at its best!

1stepup

Hi peanuts, i had a similar dilema last year. It was my friends wedding abroad and although i had already paid i had my doubts about whether or not i could stay sober, i had six weeks sobriety under my belt and was just starting to get somewhere in AA just got a sponsor, and despite all my bad feelings about it i felt i just couldnt let my friend down..... i got drunk on the plane there and every day of the week long holiday, i was thrown out of actual wedding for being so drunk and was lucky to make it back in one piece. I now have lost a friend and my sobriety because i did go.

jazzfish

I've got over 25 years of failed attempts to learn how to control my drinking. I finally gave up trying.

You know that the real definition of insanity is doing the same harmful thing over and over again knowing full well that it will lead to the exact same results.

pattyj

Ntmu is spot on. This going away party is just another day. Maybe suggest that you go with the person for coffee or something earlier in the week. Just because many others are not going to the party does not mean that you have to be guilted into going. You have an illness and your friends need to understand that you can't be in that situation. Xune has stated this many times: if you were allergic to peanuts, would you go to a party at the nut factory? After I first quit drinking my favorite cousin in the entire world came to town. I told her I was no longer drinking. She all but poured wine down my throat. Seeing her started a downward spiral. I wish I would have waited longer than after a month of being sober. If they are true friends, they will understand. At this point in time, you need to be selfish and do what is best for you.

sobrietygrl4

Peanuts, you need to go straight to that stinkin' thinkin' - why are you making yourself responsible for there being a good turnout? No one else seems to be having a problem turning down the invite. Definitely your AV pushing you towards disaster.

Quinne

I echo a lot of what other posters have already written.

In the grand scheme of things, how important is it?

How important is it when you weigh up the risks associated to yourself, your life and your sobriety if you go?

I hear you, in the early days I dragged myself very begrudgingly to old environments as my ex was a musician. I talked myself into thinking I had an obligation to go. I was running off my people-pleasing tendencies and letting false pride get in the way because I had to make an appearance-that's what my head told me. I never picked up, but tell you what, I was absolutely no fun to be around. I used to wonder what I could take from the party, not bring to it.

I second what pattyj has said-see if you can meet up with this person for breakfast or coffee; when it comes down to it for me personally, I enjoy myself infinitely more when I can actually connect with my friends and can actually remember what's happening. I'm doing myself and my friends a disservice if i'm uncomfortable, stilted, awkward and resenting both myself AND them for putting myself in that situation in the first place-it's my call, just as it's yours in this situation.

Xx

endlesspatience

This was from your earlier post: "i have the drinking friends, who will probably be disappointed i will no longer be drinking with them so i might just distance myself for a bit from them."

Why did you change your mind?

Dee74

There's some great advice here peanuts
I had many close calls...but I was back drinking a week.

A lot of that was a strange mix of fear and pride...I didn't want to change my life dammit...and I was *terrified* I would have to....

so I went back...and everytime, eventually, the consequences got a little more grave...

I nearly died in the end. The terror of not being alive finally trumped my terror of change.

The irony is - the life I embraced is at least a million times better than the life I left behind. I just couldn't see it back then.

Give this new life a chance peanuts...if you have to post and read here daily to remeinf yourself of the stakes, do that.

If you have to make a few changes and make a few rough decisions do that too - in 3 months times you'll wonder why one party was such a big deal.

Don't worry about disappointing your friends.

I don't mean to be harsh, but the bald truth is they'll party with or without you....

Worry about disappointing yourself.

D