Any advice will be great
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London
Posts: 2
Any advice will be great
Hello, my first time on this site, thought I would post to see if anyone has any advice.
My 42 year old sister is an alcoholic. She has been drinking for as long as I remember, but I only realised the full extent of her problem when I moved to the same area as her about 3 years ago. We have always been close (I moved to the area to be closer to her) and always spent so much time together, but hardly ever now as I refuse to enable her addiction and won't be around her when she is drinking (which is nearly all the time these days)
Before I moved to the area I just thought she was a heavy drinker socially and drank too much whenever she did drink and would full asleep, become agressive etc (that we have known about for years). Once I moved here I realised that she drinks every day 2-3 bottles of wine + . She crashed her car and spent a night in police cells a couple of years ago, now has a ban thank goodness. Since then my parents are aware of the situation, before that they had bailed her out with their life savings so she could keep her house, a regret they have now as nothing has changed and she is close to becoming repossessed.
She had a decent job, but was "made redundant" a year ago (think they could no longer deal with her lateness and smell in the office) and has not worked since. We come from a very supportive, loving family, good upbringing, no major stresses and no traumas have occurred in her life. I believe she drinks because she does and the party girl never quite stopped and the addiction kicked in.
I have been speaking with Al-Anon over the years and AA and other sources and have spent hours on the net reading forums and getting advice, but help!
My sister is the mother to a 6 and a half year old child. She passes out drunk before his bedtime constantly, he has to take himself to bed etc, horrible things (sure you will all be familiar with the stories). The main problem is that he has a perfectly decent SOBER father that lives with them. He is working about 80 hours a week (days, evenings and weekends) just to keep a roof over their head and food in their tummies, but he is sticking his head in the sand and not doing anything about the situation. Over the years I have spoken with him about the fact he enables her constantly and isn't helping her. She only gets benefits now so cannot afford to drink and smoke as much as she does, so he still gives her access to his money for food etc and obviously she is buying wine with this.
If the dad wasn't there I would take my nephew from my sister and have him live here in our happy home, where he can be safe and well looked after. She can then make a choice and sober up or carry on, but at least I know my nephew is safe and will start getting better, he doesn't act like a normal happy child, this stuff is really getting to him and I fear for his future, let alone his day to day safety (he still wears nappies at night God bless him and he is seven soon)
What can I do. I had an argument with my brother in law before Christmas when I confronted him yet again about the neglect my nephew is experiencing, but his line is that "you can't take a child away from his mother" and "I'm his father not you"
We are now on speaking terms, but there have been incidents recently when he has been working at night, when his son has called to say mummy asleep on the floor and rather than call me, he has phoned so called friends to put my nephew to bed rather than me or my husband.
My parents and me are trying to get him to act, but what can we do if he doesn't? I want to call social services so something will be done, but my parents are reluctant as once in the system and all that, but I dread that we get a call one day and have to attend his funeral or something.
I love my sister loads, but she is an adult with choices and I understand that she has to make this choice herself, but my nephew is a dear little boy who didn't chose to be born to a drunk mother and a flaky father. It's all so sad...
Scuse the babble.......but any advice will be welcome ....
My 42 year old sister is an alcoholic. She has been drinking for as long as I remember, but I only realised the full extent of her problem when I moved to the same area as her about 3 years ago. We have always been close (I moved to the area to be closer to her) and always spent so much time together, but hardly ever now as I refuse to enable her addiction and won't be around her when she is drinking (which is nearly all the time these days)
Before I moved to the area I just thought she was a heavy drinker socially and drank too much whenever she did drink and would full asleep, become agressive etc (that we have known about for years). Once I moved here I realised that she drinks every day 2-3 bottles of wine + . She crashed her car and spent a night in police cells a couple of years ago, now has a ban thank goodness. Since then my parents are aware of the situation, before that they had bailed her out with their life savings so she could keep her house, a regret they have now as nothing has changed and she is close to becoming repossessed.
She had a decent job, but was "made redundant" a year ago (think they could no longer deal with her lateness and smell in the office) and has not worked since. We come from a very supportive, loving family, good upbringing, no major stresses and no traumas have occurred in her life. I believe she drinks because she does and the party girl never quite stopped and the addiction kicked in.
I have been speaking with Al-Anon over the years and AA and other sources and have spent hours on the net reading forums and getting advice, but help!
My sister is the mother to a 6 and a half year old child. She passes out drunk before his bedtime constantly, he has to take himself to bed etc, horrible things (sure you will all be familiar with the stories). The main problem is that he has a perfectly decent SOBER father that lives with them. He is working about 80 hours a week (days, evenings and weekends) just to keep a roof over their head and food in their tummies, but he is sticking his head in the sand and not doing anything about the situation. Over the years I have spoken with him about the fact he enables her constantly and isn't helping her. She only gets benefits now so cannot afford to drink and smoke as much as she does, so he still gives her access to his money for food etc and obviously she is buying wine with this.
If the dad wasn't there I would take my nephew from my sister and have him live here in our happy home, where he can be safe and well looked after. She can then make a choice and sober up or carry on, but at least I know my nephew is safe and will start getting better, he doesn't act like a normal happy child, this stuff is really getting to him and I fear for his future, let alone his day to day safety (he still wears nappies at night God bless him and he is seven soon)
What can I do. I had an argument with my brother in law before Christmas when I confronted him yet again about the neglect my nephew is experiencing, but his line is that "you can't take a child away from his mother" and "I'm his father not you"
We are now on speaking terms, but there have been incidents recently when he has been working at night, when his son has called to say mummy asleep on the floor and rather than call me, he has phoned so called friends to put my nephew to bed rather than me or my husband.
My parents and me are trying to get him to act, but what can we do if he doesn't? I want to call social services so something will be done, but my parents are reluctant as once in the system and all that, but I dread that we get a call one day and have to attend his funeral or something.
I love my sister loads, but she is an adult with choices and I understand that she has to make this choice herself, but my nephew is a dear little boy who didn't chose to be born to a drunk mother and a flaky father. It's all so sad...
Scuse the babble.......but any advice will be welcome ....
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I feel your pain. That's all I can offer. No advice except visit our friends and family section of the forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The child's welfare is the most important thing.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The child's welfare is the most important thing.
Member
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 725
oh hunny,,i feel for you imensley,,this is a tough situation and v v tricky, especially if you do get social services invovled,, this should be a last resort,,but you can ask for help via them for a family support officer,,who will just pop in to offer advice and guidance,,i had this support when i was struggling with my 13 yr old daughter who was constantly running away,, it was not intrusive and i called the shots,, there is help there,,you just need to get the right place,,maybe ask at yr local council that should have a childrens support office.
its such a shame as yr dear lil nephew will be affected by yr sisters addiction,,this does need to be nipped in the bud before it gets harder for him,,ie in his teens xx
i cant really offer any advice , but just to send s big cyber hug and good luck hun,,maybe yr sister needs a stint in rehab? but she wont stop unless she wants to,,and her hubby enabling her is not helping one bit,, maybe u could chat to him boput a support worker? maybe this will make him realise just how serious the problem is xx
good luck ,,lv cleo xxx
its such a shame as yr dear lil nephew will be affected by yr sisters addiction,,this does need to be nipped in the bud before it gets harder for him,,ie in his teens xx
i cant really offer any advice , but just to send s big cyber hug and good luck hun,,maybe yr sister needs a stint in rehab? but she wont stop unless she wants to,,and her hubby enabling her is not helping one bit,, maybe u could chat to him boput a support worker? maybe this will make him realise just how serious the problem is xx
good luck ,,lv cleo xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London
Posts: 2
Ah. thanks guys, really appreciate your answers, I spoke with my brother in law earlier today and we had a good chat without any arguing, mind you it was about my nephew staying over this weekend for some respite, but I haven't heard from him yet and it is early Saturday morning so lets see. I have my other sisters back up to just go get the kid out of there, hopefully it won't come to that, but we'll see.
Been really great to read how peoples addictions can tear people apart, I realise I'm not the only person in bits over this whole thing!
Thanks for listening to my babbles everyone, stay safe xxx
Been really great to read how peoples addictions can tear people apart, I realise I'm not the only person in bits over this whole thing!
Thanks for listening to my babbles everyone, stay safe xxx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I sure understand your reluctance to call child protective services, but it seems as if you have tried everything else, and this situation is terrible for that little boy.
These days, the preference is ALWAYS to try to keep the child in the home, but having CPS involved would give an outsider (someone NOT YOU) a chance to intervene on his behalf. It might be possible to force your sister into treatment. The conventional wisdom is that alcoholics have to be "ready" to recover, but the prospect of losing the right to parent her child might be enough to MAKE her ready. Alternatively, if your sister and brother-in-law cannot properly take care of the child, CPS would probably prefer to place him with a loving relative (like you) as opposed to putting him in foster care.
I know it's hard, but that little boy's parents just don't seem up to the job right now.
Hugs,
These days, the preference is ALWAYS to try to keep the child in the home, but having CPS involved would give an outsider (someone NOT YOU) a chance to intervene on his behalf. It might be possible to force your sister into treatment. The conventional wisdom is that alcoholics have to be "ready" to recover, but the prospect of losing the right to parent her child might be enough to MAKE her ready. Alternatively, if your sister and brother-in-law cannot properly take care of the child, CPS would probably prefer to place him with a loving relative (like you) as opposed to putting him in foster care.
I know it's hard, but that little boy's parents just don't seem up to the job right now.
Hugs,
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