Lost3000

Yesterday I found out that one friend relapsed after 14 months. The other has 3 yrs of sobriety from alcohol, but admitted she's been using marijuana the entire time.

I was shocked to say the least. I was also extremely bothered by it.

The 14 months guy, well, he stopped going to meetings. He said that his wife could drink normally, have 3 martinis one night and then not drink for months, and so he decided that maybe he could do the same. He couldn't. He's in a bad way and came back to start over in AA.

I don't want that to be me!! And I'm really disappointed. I have this weird feeling of distrust and not wanting to bond with others now, because any one of them could go out.

The one who smokes weed, well, I'm disappointed in that too. Because I feel of course quitting drinking would be easier with the aid of another crutch like weed. Sure, she hasn't drank, but she's been altering her conscious this entire time! So she got a chip yesterday. But it didn't sit well with me. I'm trying not to judge her, but it seems a bit unfair, for the others who have 3 yrs without ANY mood altering drug.

Anyway, the whole thing bothered me enough that I decided to skip today's meeting and have lunch with my sponsor instead. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts, experience and insight on the subject. Thanks.

MIRecovery

Managing me is a full time job so that is where I spend my time. I can reach out to others but their program is their program. It can be depressing sometimes to watch people self destruct but eventually you sort of get used to it. I may not like it but I accept that I am not able to fix other alcoholics

Lost3000

Do you think I'm not managing me enough? Meaning, am I giving these two too much thought? I just found this stuff out yesterday.

I'm having a hard time wanting to reach out to them because I'm so disappointed and now a little distrustful.

doggonecarl

I need to be more cognizant of this fact when I am posting here.

Geralt

I am sorry to hear about your friend that relapsed.

I disagree though about using marijuana as a relapse, as many people in AA smoke cigarettes and nicotine is a mind-altering substance also. But this discussion comes up now and then on SR, with many different opinions and there can't be "winner", as it all depends on perspective.

PS. I don't smoke marijuana myself.

Lost3000

Me too. I really want others to not go through the pain and agony I feel is preventable.

I'm not thinking I can fix these two-- but I am bothered by their behavior. I guess what's really eating me is I feel myself pulling away from them. I don't want to give myself to them at all because they've decided to go out and drink.

Elisabeth888

I get very antsy and uncomfortable when people I am friends with or just even kind of know from the program go back out. I have even relapsed myself when that happened- the domino affect if you will.

The best thing you can do is to focus on your recovery, because it could be YOU doing the relapsing. I think it probably scares you like it does me. All I have to do is remember how ****** it feels to pick up a white chip and start ALL OVER AGAIN in the steps. Yuck. I want to get through them all and then start over, but not because of a relapse.

Lost3000

It is?? I don't think of it that way. I mean, when I compare smoking weed and smoking cigarettes the two don't even compare. I'm not really trying to start a debate on the sobriety thing, although that might turn into it anyway.

I'm just upset about it. Smoking weed is a great way to bliss out, same as booze. Seems a little unfair for her to get a chip and congrats! when she's blissing out all the time, whilst we are all stone sober, living life.

Lost3000

Yeah, true. It does, a little. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings!

MIRecovery

Sobriety is not a contest that there is first second and third. She is not being honest with herself. If I am sober then I am a winner regardless of what others do. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be OK with what I see.

What other do or do not do is much too big of a responsibility for me. My sponsor tells me if I remain sober then I have been successful

aasharon90

I would never have known or been
aware of others relapsing so
much if I hadnt heard it with my own
2 ears or seen them with my own 2
eyes. Seeing and hearing is believing.

Each meeting I attended and each post
Ive read by others relapsing, slipping, I
am more convenced that an alcoholic or
drug addict can not drink or drug successfully.

Each time I hear those words, i simply say
to myself one of many recovery phrases
learned over the yrs, But for the Grace of
God or my HP, there goes I. Meaning, that
could have been me relapsing or slipping
if I didnt use the tools and knowledge of
a recovery program in my everyday life.

As selfish as it may seem, i need to see
and hear about slipping or relapsing for
myself to let me know that even after all
my yrs sober, alcohol and drugs is just as
powerful as it was 22 yrs ago and still kicking
azz big time and I dont need to go out an
do some control drinking or experimenting.

It didnt work for me then and it wont work
for me today.

Lost3000

I got a lot out of your post, thanks so much. But can you explain the above sentence to me more? I understand what you mean about it not benig a contest, but how are you applying it to this situation?

Lost3000

aasharon: I love your posts and am so glad to have known you here. You always have kind things to say, and things that make me think. Thank you.

ru12

If her problem is alcohol, why would you care if she smokes pot? Nicotine is indeed a psychoactive drug, and too much of it can kill you. I think a lot of people use cigarettes as a cruch to alter how they feel. Are these people really "sober"? I think they are, but some may not. I think smoking tobacco gets a pass because old Bill W. wouldn't give it up. He smoked himself to death, but he did die sober.

Lost3000

Why would I care? Well, personally, I guess I don't care - it's her deal. But what bothers me is my reaction, my feelings. How I distrust her now, and don't really want to maintain a close relationship because of her admission. I don't really know if her problem is alcohol or weed, but I do think it's unfair to be smoking weed and call yourself sober, while the person next to you isn't smoking weed or drinking.

I suppose then I disagree that cigarettes are in the same category as weed. You aren't drug tested for cigarettes, you aren't arrested for it, it doesn't take away from your ability to speak, or drive. You don't act like an imbecil smoking a cigarette. Those are just my feelings about it.

MIRecovery

You said it was not "Fair" like some one cheated. Those that fail are people that can not be honest with themselves. Them being dishonest has nothing to do with you. You both have the ability to stay sober. You are sober the pot smoker is not. You won she lost. She can accept her coin while lying to herself that she is sober and you should be OK with that. We only have ourselves and our higher power to answer to

Lost3000

Ahhh, got it. Thanks for explaining. I honestly don't feel that way, that someone cheated. I do feel like you said, if she wants to lie to herself about it, then that's her deal.

What I meant by fair is that the people that are sober for 3 yrs shouldn't be put in the same basket as the one smoking weed and calling herself sober. Fair as in I've been living life sober for 3 yrs, and now want a chip to commisserate that. But then weed smoker also gets said chip. Fair as in imbalanced. I would think the same of someone who had been popping pills for a high over the last 3 yrs calling themselves sober. They are not. Therefore, I find it unfair for them to get a chip.

Am I making sense? I get that you might not agree, just wondering if my thought process is coming across the way I'm trying for it to.

Geralt

That's because nicotine has been accepted in our culture and is so poisonous that it takes only the amount in 30-60 cigarettes at one time to kill you. Some facts:

In smaller doses (an average cigarette yields about 1 mg of absorbed nicotine), the substance (nicotine) acts as a stimulant in mammals, while high amounts (30–60 mg) can be fatal.

According to the American Heart Association, nicotine addiction has historically been one of the hardest addictions to break, while the pharmacological and behavioral characteristics that determine tobacco addiction are similar to those determining addiction to heroin and cocaine.

Also nicotine is an alkaloid and chemically similar to cocaine or morphine. Native Americans in South-America chew on coca (the plant from which cocaine is made), to get an stimulating effect, comparable to coffee or nicotine.

And in my country marijuana is legal and most people don't act like imbeciles when they have smoked marijuana. It's basically culture that decides what's legal or not. That doesn't mean people can't get addicted to marijuana and suffer from the addiction.

I am not defending marijuana, because it can destroy people's lives like any other drug, but it's not really different from smoking a pack or 2 of cigarettes a day, craving for a cigarette in the morning, smoking one when anxious or nervous, smoking after sex, you name it.

Lost3000

Geralt, thanks for your post. So judging from your post, you think that the weed smoker has all rights to get her 3 yr sobriety chip? But then all the others that are smoking cigarettes too should be getting sobriety chips? Because they all haven't drank?

For me, I have a lot of pride in not drinking, or drugging. I don't smoke cigarettes, but I do drink coffee. When I first got sober, I noticed I was drinking way too much coffee. Probably an attempt to alter myself. Now, I drink one cup per day and every so often, have it after dinner or lunch if it's the weekend.

I do appreciate your posts. I asked for thoughts on the subject and I got them!

MIRecovery

All I am saying is you getting a 3 yr chip is fair to you. There are tons of things in this world that are unfair but I can only fix myself. People, places and things are in my higher powers hands. It is so easy to externalize and worry about everything else because if I do I do not have to examine myself which is what drugs and alcohol allowed me to do. I can use anger and resentments as a drug just as sure as I used alcohol