fini

Social drinking every so often is something I want and need to manageyes,i think most of us get that. but this is a recovery forum, not a "come and we'll help you manage and control your drugging-drinking in such a way that you can do it here but not there, or there but not here".
you might want to check out Moderation Management, or google Harm Reduction .

MIRecovery

The crux of your problem is that you can not control your drinking

There must be a thousand posts from people that tried controlled drinking and it ended in disaster but you think you will be one in 1000, 10,000 100,00. Maybe you will be just that person but if I were a betting man unfortunately I would have to bet against your plan of controlled drinking.

This may not be what you want to hear but statisically the odds are against you

Kys

Thanks to all those who replied.

Certainly correct in that avoiding solitude drinking is only part of my challenge. Appreciate that I shouldn't be coming here seeking ways to find drinking acceptable as Fini wrote also, and that's not why I'm here either.

Sorry last night really tested me.

All the same, I think I need to see last night as a lesson as I believe Windancer said, and not that I've completely failed and need to start again.

Thoughts?

ReadyAndAble

Sounds like you're an alcoholic. If so, it will never get better, and will almost assuredly get worse. (Don't get discouraged though... I have good news below. )

Most of them are not alcoholics. If you are one, it's not your fault. It's not like any of us set out to become one. And there's a fair amount of data suggesting people can be born with a propensity toward alcoholism; hard-wired into our genes. One of the prime suspects is a mutation in a gene that effects enzyme protection in the liver. It will be interesting to see what further research uncovers.

I say all this because it helped me to understand that I needed to stop comparing myself to others. I didn't need to feel ashamed for being an alcoholic—for many things I did while drinking, yes, but for the existence of my addiction, no. But I did need to accept the reality of it, and what that meant moving forward. And what it meant was that I could never drink again.

Until I embraced those simple facts, my attempts were doomed. My heart wasn't in it. I still romanticized my drinking, imagined myself having a glass or two, just like everyone else. But see, that was no longer the reality of my drinking. I might pull it off for a short period, but I'd be obsessing over alcohol the whole time, and sooner or later the obsession would push me back over the line. If I could have moderated, I would have, but that obviously just wasn't in the cards.

But here's the good news: In time I came to accept it. And eventually, even embrace it. I don't miss drinking at all, not one tiny bit. I thought it would be horrible to quit, couldn't imagine life without it, but it turns out that was just because I was still stuck in the bubble of addiction. Things started looking a lot different—and a lot better—once I put a few weeks between me and my last drink.

Kys

Thank you ReadyAndAble, your message was really inspiring and more so it makes a lot of sense.

Even know it was three days without drinking things did start to look different, it was so refreshing, you're right.

Apologies Fini, I didn't mean to use this forum in a way it's not intended, it's just a very new and confusing time for me right now in having to accept this.

Nonsensical

I've struggled with the concept of moderation for 30 years. "They can do it, why can't I do it?"

I am coming to terms with the fact that I can't do it because I'm an alcoholic. I don't know how to drink. I only know how to get drunk.

Fandy

There is no need to apologize for sharing your honest thoughts.
Only you know what feels right for you. I prefer myself sober as opposed to drunk, hungover and guilty.
It is something i took many months to come to terms with, what kind of person do i want to be.?

Kys

What a powerful statement.

fini

no need for apologies, Kys.
i was just engaging with the thoughts you put out here, which were all too familiar to me from my own past, on the chance you'd see where your thinking and wishing and planning for the future was in a different direction from recovery as i understand it.
yep, a confusing time. i remember it well, the very thought of "never" being a horror, and slowly, over years, wanting the freedom of "never" and then not being able to get there and making all those oodles of restrictive bargains with myself about where and when i would allow myself to drink and how that would lead to a peaceful restful life and relationship with alcohol.
torture. much more torturous than quitting altogether.
wishing you the best in muddling through confusion and coming to clarity.

john44

Just don't drink.

Kys

Why do I do this to myself.

I don't want to.

Scariest thought is that if I can't really control this then what sort of life could I ever lead.

I went three days without alcohol just last week - that change was absolutely life changing for me. Now I've drank three days since.

If I'm honest with myself, I've lost and given up a lot because of alcohol over the years. It really eats at me that I can't replace that, despite knowing that the way forward can be just as promising.

Tomorrow is a new day, though I'm almost out of words.

doggonecarl

String together a couple months of sobriety with a solid recovery program and you will see the irrationality of this statement. Fear is your addiction's way to keep you enslaved.

I love my sober life. Most of the people here love their sober lives too.

Put down the drink. Start today. And stay strong.

Nonsensical

Kys, your description of yourself is very familiar to me. Half of you seems hopelessly compelled to drink. The other half knows that drinking is going to ruin your life. I found the thread on AVRT in the secular section to be very helpful. You might, also.

Best of luck!