Why isn't this working?
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Why isn't this working?
I left my first rehab very disappointed. So much so in fact I started drinking almost as soon as I left. Literally. Like as in drive from rehab to the bar.
My counselor gave me a small clear marble to put in my pocket as a reminder of the experience and the lessons I was to have learned while there. I still have the marble but none of the lessons. This was 2005.
Yeah I know... I am a slow learner.
I thought when I left I would have been fixed. I have always had a very naive look on life. I tend to take people and events at face value and seldom concoct ulterior motives. So to me rehab was something that was going to fix this mess and me.
I was actually very depressed for months after that. I did not know it at the time but hindsight and all.
Coming to the realization that being an alcoholic, Drug addict, Scared little boy from my youth. Gay and trying to find my way in life. And all I had and all I was ever going to have, is the will to stop drinking and drugging and make life what I wanted.... was me. Just me.
There is nothing that can reach inside and tinker with the mechanisms I use to cope. Just me. Just what I can learn from others and apply to myself.
What a friggin letdown that was. You mean "I" have to do the work? Damn. I had no clue as to what was to come and how much will was needed.
It's going on 8 years now I have known of my addictions. 8 years I have had. I went to two more rehabs in those 8 years. Again after each I lost hope when left with the daunting task and going it so very alone. Yes I had a partner all that time but he was lost in his addictions. Not until 2012 did he even use the words and references to himself in the same sentence. But F him. This is about me.
I can say I have learned many lessons over the 8 years that make it possible to stay stopped. I feel rather fragile in my current existence. Not much is grounded at the moment. But that's ok. It really is.
I have the ability now.... I have the strength now... To work from the inside out when addressing addiction. Something I lacked for those 8 years.
I have stopped asking to be fixed and started to fix it myself.
I have stopped looking over there for the solutions to things.
I have started to take small consistent steps. Build on the last effort. Think smaller when needed. And it's working.
K
My counselor gave me a small clear marble to put in my pocket as a reminder of the experience and the lessons I was to have learned while there. I still have the marble but none of the lessons. This was 2005.
Yeah I know... I am a slow learner.
I thought when I left I would have been fixed. I have always had a very naive look on life. I tend to take people and events at face value and seldom concoct ulterior motives. So to me rehab was something that was going to fix this mess and me.
I was actually very depressed for months after that. I did not know it at the time but hindsight and all.
Coming to the realization that being an alcoholic, Drug addict, Scared little boy from my youth. Gay and trying to find my way in life. And all I had and all I was ever going to have, is the will to stop drinking and drugging and make life what I wanted.... was me. Just me.
There is nothing that can reach inside and tinker with the mechanisms I use to cope. Just me. Just what I can learn from others and apply to myself.
What a friggin letdown that was. You mean "I" have to do the work? Damn. I had no clue as to what was to come and how much will was needed.
It's going on 8 years now I have known of my addictions. 8 years I have had. I went to two more rehabs in those 8 years. Again after each I lost hope when left with the daunting task and going it so very alone. Yes I had a partner all that time but he was lost in his addictions. Not until 2012 did he even use the words and references to himself in the same sentence. But F him. This is about me.
I can say I have learned many lessons over the 8 years that make it possible to stay stopped. I feel rather fragile in my current existence. Not much is grounded at the moment. But that's ok. It really is.
I have the ability now.... I have the strength now... To work from the inside out when addressing addiction. Something I lacked for those 8 years.
I have stopped asking to be fixed and started to fix it myself.
I have stopped looking over there for the solutions to things.
I have started to take small consistent steps. Build on the last effort. Think smaller when needed. And it's working.
K
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
I know about uncertainty. I don't have the nerve for it. There is nothing uncertain about life when I am drunk. The alcohol does a thorough job of erasing the need for grounding. My inner self is protected from exposure. A survival skill I perfected as a child in order to function in a chaotic upbringing. I live in incongruence. I use alcohol as a glue to hold myself together. At least thats what I thought. My glue has become toxic.
So I am sober and I am not to sure of myself. I am on a crusade to change my surroundings. Am I growing or looking for another diversion?
So I am sober and I am not to sure of myself. I am on a crusade to change my surroundings. Am I growing or looking for another diversion?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by escapist
So I am sober and I am not to sure of myself. I am on a crusade to change my surroundings. Am I growing or looking for another diversion?
I don't think your inclination to bring some order to your surroundings is unhealthy or uncommon. I think it is empowering you. It is difficult for doubt and confidence to grow equally in the same space. Decide which you will feed.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
That is very wise advice there soberlicous!
It is difficult to have boubt and confidence grow in the same space is such a great thing to say. I got a lot from that!
Guess that's why you are soooo soberlicous!
Escapist..... You seem to be really gaining ground. I thing getting rid of the Italian restaurant feel will be a great step for you. I love hearing about you projects.
It is difficult to have boubt and confidence grow in the same space is such a great thing to say. I got a lot from that!
Guess that's why you are soooo soberlicous!
Escapist..... You seem to be really gaining ground. I thing getting rid of the Italian restaurant feel will be a great step for you. I love hearing about you projects.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by escapist
Weasel do you ever feel like we are pupils in Soberlicious' class of Mature Matters 101?
I learn from you guys. I heart you both. xo
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Great stuff, Ken. When I first realized I had a problem and needed to be 'cured' (22 years ago) I went to AA. That's the only place I ever heard of that cured alcoholics. After 60 days (and 59 meetings) I figured I was either cured, or had never actually been sick in the first place.
22 years later I am 7 days sober, but I feel more hopeful than I have n a long time. Papa's got a brand new bag.
22 years later I am 7 days sober, but I feel more hopeful than I have n a long time. Papa's got a brand new bag.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Western New York
Posts: 375
Thanks to everyone for sharing.
I think the danger comes when we look for coping mechanisms outside ourselves. Rehab, therapy, SR, AA... these things are helpful and powerful because they teach us the skills we need in order to cope. Unfortunately, learning these skills is difficult and often a lifelong process. When we expect something outside of ourselves, like alcohol, to do the work for us, that's where we get lost. For myself, i never did anything productive to deal with my shyness or social anxiety. Just let the alcohol do that for me. Now I have to go back and relearn new methods to cope with those feelings. But the "easy fixes" are only easy on the surface, when we see what we stand to lose by counting on them long term.
-Alison
I think the danger comes when we look for coping mechanisms outside ourselves. Rehab, therapy, SR, AA... these things are helpful and powerful because they teach us the skills we need in order to cope. Unfortunately, learning these skills is difficult and often a lifelong process. When we expect something outside of ourselves, like alcohol, to do the work for us, that's where we get lost. For myself, i never did anything productive to deal with my shyness or social anxiety. Just let the alcohol do that for me. Now I have to go back and relearn new methods to cope with those feelings. But the "easy fixes" are only easy on the surface, when we see what we stand to lose by counting on them long term.
-Alison
Saved By Grace
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Hey Ken your post showed a lot of bravery my friend. Maybe I can help you by passing along a simple yet powerful reminder.
So a man walks 12 miles into the wilderness. And to get out of the wilderness is going to take him 12 miles. Although if he took shortcuts or alternate routes he might shorten his time or extend it, thats the risk.
In other words, we used/drank for a long time and for most of us real addicts it takes a very long time to get longterm sobriety with many many relapses, rehabs, and glimpses of hope. Your heading out of the wilderness, thats what matters!
So a man walks 12 miles into the wilderness. And to get out of the wilderness is going to take him 12 miles. Although if he took shortcuts or alternate routes he might shorten his time or extend it, thats the risk.
In other words, we used/drank for a long time and for most of us real addicts it takes a very long time to get longterm sobriety with many many relapses, rehabs, and glimpses of hope. Your heading out of the wilderness, thats what matters!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
You mean "I" have to do the work? Damn.
This was me to a tee Weasel. I, too, am a s-l-o-w learner.
I first realized I had a problem with alcohol in 1997. I was a single mother with a 5 year old and got tanked every night. I also became suicidal. I would sit on the floor in the corner of my kitchen (in the dark, of course) and cry because my life was so out of control.
Life continued like this, my daughter kept growing, I kept being an awful and unavailable parent.
I am 68 days sober and my daughter turns 21 in three weeks.
This is not my sob story. It's simply the path I took to realize I want to get to that ultimate destination - long term sobriety.
Through it all, I feel like it has more to do with the journey we all take. Mine is mine. Yours is yours. Nothing is right or wrong in each individual's journey. Really, it takes what it takes.
Your posts keep showing your great insight & growth. They help me tremendously. As much as we're different, we are so much alike in our thinking process.
This was me to a tee Weasel. I, too, am a s-l-o-w learner.
I first realized I had a problem with alcohol in 1997. I was a single mother with a 5 year old and got tanked every night. I also became suicidal. I would sit on the floor in the corner of my kitchen (in the dark, of course) and cry because my life was so out of control.
Life continued like this, my daughter kept growing, I kept being an awful and unavailable parent.
I am 68 days sober and my daughter turns 21 in three weeks.
This is not my sob story. It's simply the path I took to realize I want to get to that ultimate destination - long term sobriety.
Through it all, I feel like it has more to do with the journey we all take. Mine is mine. Yours is yours. Nothing is right or wrong in each individual's journey. Really, it takes what it takes.
Your posts keep showing your great insight & growth. They help me tremendously. As much as we're different, we are so much alike in our thinking process.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
When I first came around my attitude was 'I've stopped now. I would like a perfect life world. Just as a gift for how well I have done'. And I wondered why I wasn't recovering in any sense of the word. I had one stinking attitude. It was only when I put the work in that things started changing. I once heard something along the lines of. 'If you put the same amount of effort into your recovery as you did in your using you'll be ok'.
Natom.
Natom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
I understand the frustration. I used while I was in rehab, and after several others. The 'event' or bottom really came when I sent a simple drunken rant of a letter to my young son. Other things too were happening, but my life imploded. The guilt and shame I experienced afterwards just were sickening. Living sober and making amends settled those feelings down, took care of damage control, made a sober life bearable.
Best to you and thanks for your post.
Best to you and thanks for your post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
When I left a 28 day rehab and my then
husband picked me up, I was still full of
resentments and anger that he and his
parents pulled an intervention on me.
When I left this controlled inviroment that
i was in for 28 day, i felt first a nice feeling
of freedom that I was going home back to
be with my little ones and in my own home
even tho there was a strained feeling with
my spouse.
I knew that even tho I wasnt incarcerated
so to speak any longer and was free to do
whatever I wanted to do, I still knew that
i needed and wanted to stay sober no matter
what. If I returned to drinking then I knew
there would be hell to pay. I would be sent
away to a halfway house for a long period
of time and I certainly didnt want to be seaprated
from my babies any longer.
I was glad that I was ordered to attend a 6 week
outpatiant aftercare program of AA to continue
with my recovery program after rehab even tho
I probably wouldnt have gone on my own will.
Because I was still in my recovery infantsy or
baby stage, i had to be directed in the right
direction if I wanted to stay sober. I had to
allow others, like my sponsor and those with
proper recovery authority to guide me and feed
me information helpful in staying sober because
i knew no other way to stay sober on my own.
Sure, i held on to resentments for a long time
but I didnt drink over them. Sure i remained
miserable for a long time until I began to use
the right tools and knowledge to work thru those
resentments so i could grow and mature in
recovery.
It took time to work thru all of my mixed
emotions and character defects over the
past 22 yrs, but the work has definitely paid
off because I have found a great way to live
life on a happier note with all those recovery
tools and knowledge fed to me over the yrs.
It definitely work in my favor to remain teachable.
husband picked me up, I was still full of
resentments and anger that he and his
parents pulled an intervention on me.
When I left this controlled inviroment that
i was in for 28 day, i felt first a nice feeling
of freedom that I was going home back to
be with my little ones and in my own home
even tho there was a strained feeling with
my spouse.
I knew that even tho I wasnt incarcerated
so to speak any longer and was free to do
whatever I wanted to do, I still knew that
i needed and wanted to stay sober no matter
what. If I returned to drinking then I knew
there would be hell to pay. I would be sent
away to a halfway house for a long period
of time and I certainly didnt want to be seaprated
from my babies any longer.
I was glad that I was ordered to attend a 6 week
outpatiant aftercare program of AA to continue
with my recovery program after rehab even tho
I probably wouldnt have gone on my own will.
Because I was still in my recovery infantsy or
baby stage, i had to be directed in the right
direction if I wanted to stay sober. I had to
allow others, like my sponsor and those with
proper recovery authority to guide me and feed
me information helpful in staying sober because
i knew no other way to stay sober on my own.
Sure, i held on to resentments for a long time
but I didnt drink over them. Sure i remained
miserable for a long time until I began to use
the right tools and knowledge to work thru those
resentments so i could grow and mature in
recovery.
It took time to work thru all of my mixed
emotions and character defects over the
past 22 yrs, but the work has definitely paid
off because I have found a great way to live
life on a happier note with all those recovery
tools and knowledge fed to me over the yrs.
It definitely work in my favor to remain teachable.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thanks for all the feedback.
It's funny... I am a take ownership kind of person. I don't back down from much if I was the cause of it. I try to respect those around me in as much as I can. But when the light is on me for me by me... Well... I tend to take a passive role in my own life. That's not a perspective that will save me. So I am changing and not being as lazy.
One step at a time. Tonight is a new meeting I am looking forward to. I really hope it is a good one.
K
It's funny... I am a take ownership kind of person. I don't back down from much if I was the cause of it. I try to respect those around me in as much as I can. But when the light is on me for me by me... Well... I tend to take a passive role in my own life. That's not a perspective that will save me. So I am changing and not being as lazy.
One step at a time. Tonight is a new meeting I am looking forward to. I really hope it is a good one.
K
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