How can i tell my girlfriend i relapsed?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
How can i tell my girlfriend i relapsed?
First off, i know this post is crazy long. As a person, i have alot to say and if anyone does read this, thank you so much, like more than you know. I dont really have any other support network. :/
A Little (alot of) Background..
Im a sixteen year old male whos silently struggled with opiate dependency off and on for a few years. However after damaging my opiate receptors with a suboxone binge,ive been chasing an impossible euphoria.
When i met my girlfriend, i was using vicodin almost nightly but i wasnt physically addicted. I only felt comfortable socially when i was high. My girlfriend gave me the confidence to not need drugs. So, for awhile i was fine and would very rarely take anything.
But when things at home got really bad for me and i became horribly depressed, i started wanting to use again. My problem grew from occasional to constant use of vicodin to opana and after, snorting dilaudid A friend of mine gave me a hookup for "oxymorphone powder" from a kind of sketchy guy but i trusted my friend. I found out it was heroin after he got arrested and i read the police report. I had never experienced withdrawal until my source suddenly disappeared. My girlfriend found out that i was getting rides from one of her friends. She was so understandably angry and i thought i was going to lose her. It didnt matter that i was addicted, (she doesnt have much background about addiction or dependency) it mattered that i kept it from her. I tried to quit out of guilt and fear of losing her, but i didnt want to.
She eventually was so supportive of me and helped me through withdrawals and was so helpful. But because i didnt want to quit, i couldnt. I took trains to busses to get to my friend behind her back and became addicted again. I never told her. I just hid my withdrawals.
I started seeing a psychiatrist and antidepressants changed my life. But because of liver enzyme issues, it reduced the potency and i stopped taking them. i got my license, able to drive myself now, I went back into depression and addiction, unbeknownst to my girlfriend. I switched to wellbutrin and could continue using, however i only now use percocet and vicodin.
I for the first time actually want to find happiness that i had before my opioid dependancy. But im so scared to be without them. im so uncomfortable and dont feel any positive emotions or feelings for anyone i love. I think that would pass, but im so terrified to do that alone again. My girlfriend is the only person who even knows i even use heavily.
Shes my best friend. I love her and i just need to be honest with her but she would lose all her trust in me again and i feel like she would always wonder if im using again. I cant keep things from her. She understands i have a problem but she doesnt understand the power of a drug problem. She views it as me just wanting to get high and doesnt empathize with the difficulty i have staying clean and the happiness ive lost...
Well if anyone read this whole thing, thank you so much. I need help deciding how and if i should tell her that i relapsed. Maybe i can do it on my own like i always have. I just need this to not always be something i feel like ive kept from her. But i cant risk losing her or losing her trust and damaging our relationship.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any ideas?
Thank you so much,
-Tom
A Little (alot of) Background..
Im a sixteen year old male whos silently struggled with opiate dependency off and on for a few years. However after damaging my opiate receptors with a suboxone binge,ive been chasing an impossible euphoria.
When i met my girlfriend, i was using vicodin almost nightly but i wasnt physically addicted. I only felt comfortable socially when i was high. My girlfriend gave me the confidence to not need drugs. So, for awhile i was fine and would very rarely take anything.
But when things at home got really bad for me and i became horribly depressed, i started wanting to use again. My problem grew from occasional to constant use of vicodin to opana and after, snorting dilaudid A friend of mine gave me a hookup for "oxymorphone powder" from a kind of sketchy guy but i trusted my friend. I found out it was heroin after he got arrested and i read the police report. I had never experienced withdrawal until my source suddenly disappeared. My girlfriend found out that i was getting rides from one of her friends. She was so understandably angry and i thought i was going to lose her. It didnt matter that i was addicted, (she doesnt have much background about addiction or dependency) it mattered that i kept it from her. I tried to quit out of guilt and fear of losing her, but i didnt want to.
She eventually was so supportive of me and helped me through withdrawals and was so helpful. But because i didnt want to quit, i couldnt. I took trains to busses to get to my friend behind her back and became addicted again. I never told her. I just hid my withdrawals.
I started seeing a psychiatrist and antidepressants changed my life. But because of liver enzyme issues, it reduced the potency and i stopped taking them. i got my license, able to drive myself now, I went back into depression and addiction, unbeknownst to my girlfriend. I switched to wellbutrin and could continue using, however i only now use percocet and vicodin.
I for the first time actually want to find happiness that i had before my opioid dependancy. But im so scared to be without them. im so uncomfortable and dont feel any positive emotions or feelings for anyone i love. I think that would pass, but im so terrified to do that alone again. My girlfriend is the only person who even knows i even use heavily.
Shes my best friend. I love her and i just need to be honest with her but she would lose all her trust in me again and i feel like she would always wonder if im using again. I cant keep things from her. She understands i have a problem but she doesnt understand the power of a drug problem. She views it as me just wanting to get high and doesnt empathize with the difficulty i have staying clean and the happiness ive lost...
Well if anyone read this whole thing, thank you so much. I need help deciding how and if i should tell her that i relapsed. Maybe i can do it on my own like i always have. I just need this to not always be something i feel like ive kept from her. But i cant risk losing her or losing her trust and damaging our relationship.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any ideas?
Thank you so much,
-Tom
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Age doesn't really matter in addiction. I completely relate to you as we are both drug addicts. It'll only get worse for you. You won't beat the game anymore than I could or anyone else for that matter. Doesn't matter how smart or rich we are. It's a game that cannot be won. It will ruin your life and bring you such pain and self loathing.
In AA/NA they say, You Are Only As Sick As Your Secrets. So... time to fess up. Talk to girlfriend first. Maybe do some research. Friends & Family of Alcoholics could be a good place to find some literature for her to read after you tell her you are an addict. That you are very sorry for the trouble you have caused and for lying but that you will do it again because....you are an addict with no recovery tools. Tell her your brain has been reprogramed by substance abuse. That you lie as a way to protect her. That your mind is the real problem and needs to be reprogrammed. Tell her you literally can't stop and unfortunately don't want to which is part of addiction. Physical dependency is nothing compared to our angst. Something is terribly wrong and you need help just like I did and millions of others have.
Then I'd talk to your parents with your girlfriend if she supports you. Let them know that a program - 30-90 days in rehab would be wonderful. And I'll tell you rehab is really fun and a great way to educate yourself on your disease. You'll learn to talk to others. In fact, dealing with other people there will start showing you the true nature of your disease: your inability to handle the present moment exactly the way it is. You will find behind addiction: control issues, low self esteem, rage, sadness, loneliness, creativity, empathy, narcissim and lots more..............
In recovery you will find a roller coaster of emotions that you will not know how to handle which is why rehab is great. Basically you can't use or in actuality you have to plan for it more. There are losers at rehab as well. But it basically gives you some clean time under your belt. You get a start in the 12 steps. Then you begin recovery after you graduate. You go to daily meetings. Get a sponsor and work the steps. Life gets better and you may relapse. Then you go back to rehab. Repeat until you figure this out because it will end badly for you if you don't figure it out. The opiate addiction was such a nightmare for me. I still can't think about it without feeling a bit sick and woozy. It's killed some of my friends and many people I've just casually known. It will kill you.
But first it will destroy how you feel about yourself. You will hate and loathe yourself and wish you were dead. All your relationships will be ruined. You'll know what jail is like. You'll know and understand what the word demoralization means. Your family will cry. You won't though. You'll be too numb. You may even try to kill yourself and end up in a coffin or in a mental hospital. These are the delights waiting for you at the end of this drug and all drugs and booze. Believe this. Break through your denial. It will kill you slowly or quickly and you will die.
I wish the best for you and hope to see you around here. Please keep posting. If I said anything you hate or anyone else said something you hate just ignore it and keep coming back. You'll always have friends here.
In AA/NA they say, You Are Only As Sick As Your Secrets. So... time to fess up. Talk to girlfriend first. Maybe do some research. Friends & Family of Alcoholics could be a good place to find some literature for her to read after you tell her you are an addict. That you are very sorry for the trouble you have caused and for lying but that you will do it again because....you are an addict with no recovery tools. Tell her your brain has been reprogramed by substance abuse. That you lie as a way to protect her. That your mind is the real problem and needs to be reprogrammed. Tell her you literally can't stop and unfortunately don't want to which is part of addiction. Physical dependency is nothing compared to our angst. Something is terribly wrong and you need help just like I did and millions of others have.
Then I'd talk to your parents with your girlfriend if she supports you. Let them know that a program - 30-90 days in rehab would be wonderful. And I'll tell you rehab is really fun and a great way to educate yourself on your disease. You'll learn to talk to others. In fact, dealing with other people there will start showing you the true nature of your disease: your inability to handle the present moment exactly the way it is. You will find behind addiction: control issues, low self esteem, rage, sadness, loneliness, creativity, empathy, narcissim and lots more..............
In recovery you will find a roller coaster of emotions that you will not know how to handle which is why rehab is great. Basically you can't use or in actuality you have to plan for it more. There are losers at rehab as well. But it basically gives you some clean time under your belt. You get a start in the 12 steps. Then you begin recovery after you graduate. You go to daily meetings. Get a sponsor and work the steps. Life gets better and you may relapse. Then you go back to rehab. Repeat until you figure this out because it will end badly for you if you don't figure it out. The opiate addiction was such a nightmare for me. I still can't think about it without feeling a bit sick and woozy. It's killed some of my friends and many people I've just casually known. It will kill you.
But first it will destroy how you feel about yourself. You will hate and loathe yourself and wish you were dead. All your relationships will be ruined. You'll know what jail is like. You'll know and understand what the word demoralization means. Your family will cry. You won't though. You'll be too numb. You may even try to kill yourself and end up in a coffin or in a mental hospital. These are the delights waiting for you at the end of this drug and all drugs and booze. Believe this. Break through your denial. It will kill you slowly or quickly and you will die.
I wish the best for you and hope to see you around here. Please keep posting. If I said anything you hate or anyone else said something you hate just ignore it and keep coming back. You'll always have friends here.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
are you involved in a substance abuse support group, such as NA or on at a local center? THOSE people will understand the nature of addiction, have experience in relationships during substance abuse and addiction, and share their recovery experiences.
This site is one such, but a face to face group, people you can call and speak with and contacts with local support services can make a big difference.
Drug abuse is a very difficult thing to overcome on our own, and because it usually involves illegal activity of some sort, there is THAT entire aspect to address as well. The dealers can be aggressive and chase us down, because we are their bread and butter. Faces, voices of people who have been there and have found a way out can make a real impact.
It's important to get with the right people. In NA, as a newcomer, I was told to find some people in my meetings who had the recovery I wanted and "ride their coatails" find out how they got where they are, and try those things in my own life.
There are people that attend meetings who aren't really going where I want to be, and hanging out with them can take me in a different direction.
A lot of the teens at the meetings were court ordered, and had no interest in recovery, only in getting their papers signed. Hanging out with them wouldn't get me very far.
Recovery is possible. You are young and doing it now will save you decades of pain and heart ache, and your body and mind are more resilient towards healing.
Many of us have very difficult and complicated home situations when we get into recovery, and as difficult and stressful as your situation may be, you CAN recover, and find a way to get a better situation for yourself.
I am so glad you're here.
This site is one such, but a face to face group, people you can call and speak with and contacts with local support services can make a big difference.
Drug abuse is a very difficult thing to overcome on our own, and because it usually involves illegal activity of some sort, there is THAT entire aspect to address as well. The dealers can be aggressive and chase us down, because we are their bread and butter. Faces, voices of people who have been there and have found a way out can make a real impact.
It's important to get with the right people. In NA, as a newcomer, I was told to find some people in my meetings who had the recovery I wanted and "ride their coatails" find out how they got where they are, and try those things in my own life.
There are people that attend meetings who aren't really going where I want to be, and hanging out with them can take me in a different direction.
A lot of the teens at the meetings were court ordered, and had no interest in recovery, only in getting their papers signed. Hanging out with them wouldn't get me very far.
Recovery is possible. You are young and doing it now will save you decades of pain and heart ache, and your body and mind are more resilient towards healing.
Many of us have very difficult and complicated home situations when we get into recovery, and as difficult and stressful as your situation may be, you CAN recover, and find a way to get a better situation for yourself.
I am so glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Hi, Tom.
Impressive post (from such a young man) explaining your circumstances.
I believe you are going to need the help and support of family. Do you feel safe talking to your parents or another adult family member about your struggle? If not, possibly a school counselor?
Impressive post (from such a young man) explaining your circumstances.
I believe you are going to need the help and support of family. Do you feel safe talking to your parents or another adult family member about your struggle? If not, possibly a school counselor?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 189
Wow.
Agree completely.
Telling your GF is good, honesty is so important in relationships.
Getting help for your addiction should be the next step. Find NA, and learn from others what happens and how they beat it.
Good luck Tom. Come back here often please.
Originally Posted by Received 
Impressive post (from such a young man) explaining your circumstances.
Telling your GF is good, honesty is so important in relationships.
Getting help for your addiction should be the next step. Find NA, and learn from others what happens and how they beat it.
Good luck Tom. Come back here often please.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
To me honesty with yourself and others is the cornerstone to sobriety and really life in general. You seem to know that as well based on your post. So in reality, the answer to your question is very simple...just tell her the truth. Lying or covering it up will help no one, even if she never found out it would hurt you because you know the truth.
Be strong and honest and everyone will be better off for it, good luck!
Be strong and honest and everyone will be better off for it, good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
Hi everyone, thank you SO much for the responses! I havent told her and im telling myself ill be done when i run out of pills soon but who knows if ill stick to that. I just dont know if its worth it to stir up all the horrible memories of me lying and hurting her. Im trying to keep the fact that i had (have) a problem out of her mind because she doesnt really see my problem as anything besides me lying and going behind her back. She used to say she didnt like talking about it because it made her upset. so...i kept it to myself, leading to my problem that i face alone. When she found out, she said it felt like i cheated on her. I cant go back to that. We are so happy with each other right now.
Idk, i might try and do this on my own. (I have before) and sometime down the line tell her that i had relapsed in the past. If i wouldve told her from the beginning..it might be different. But now im just "cheating" on her with drugs even though its really not that simple, its not an objective decision i make everyday. Its not so black and white. She holds me to the same standards as other sober people even though i dont feel or think the same as them. i feel isolated with my problem so i just keep it to myself, but im trying to be completely honest..I dont want to have to regain her trust again. I dont want her to always wonder if im using or not.
Idk, i might try and do this on my own. (I have before) and sometime down the line tell her that i had relapsed in the past. If i wouldve told her from the beginning..it might be different. But now im just "cheating" on her with drugs even though its really not that simple, its not an objective decision i make everyday. Its not so black and white. She holds me to the same standards as other sober people even though i dont feel or think the same as them. i feel isolated with my problem so i just keep it to myself, but im trying to be completely honest..I dont want to have to regain her trust again. I dont want her to always wonder if im using or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
Also, i found NA meetings at my local hospital, but it says closed to the public. I dont exactly know how this works. Does it make a difference if im a teenger? Is there some way i have to sign up to be not part of the public? Or can i just go? I just really dont know what to expect.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
The NA meeting is closed as in you can only attend if you are a drug addict. Some people want closed meetings so they can feel more secure in their anonymity. You are welcome there and no one asks. I hope you will go and at least introduce yourself as a newcomer when they ask. It's very odd (in the beginning) and I think you will come away from the meeting thinking, WTF? Ha... Although some people feel as though they were "home" instantly. It took me a great many years to come into NA/AA and stay put.
Here are some quotes on secrecy that are true and might be of some help to you.
Therefore, having put away falsehood let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Ephesians 4:25 ESV
Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Luke 12:2 ESV
Here are some quotes on secrecy that are true and might be of some help to you.
Therefore, having put away falsehood let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Ephesians 4:25 ESV
Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Luke 12:2 ESV
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 92
Hi, like others have said (and without meaning to be condescending) your post surprised me that it came from someone so young in years. You seem very thoughtful and willing to examine life in detail which are both fantastic qualities to have in the battle against addiction. You're an eloquent writer. Have you considered writing a letter to your girlfriend? I've used letters a few times in the past. I find them helpful when I would struggle to say what I wanted because of fear/anxiety or the other person interrupting. When I talk about writing a letter I don't mean send it in the post, I mean hand it to her and be there when she reads it so you can discuss it after. It's just an idea if you're struggling with saying those initial words.
Good luck with both speaking to your girlfriend and overcoming your addiction.
Good luck with both speaking to your girlfriend and overcoming your addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
way, it's good to see a young person grasping this and as well knowing enough about himself to know he needs to make changes, kudos to you right there.
Closed meetings are still open to you. I do know that there are sometimes meetings for the younger crowd also and I bet if you asked some people at the meeting (maybe the ones who run it) they may know of meetings that would suit you, IF YOU decide that's what you want to do.
We're here all the time, keep coming back and good luck with everything.
Closed meetings are still open to you. I do know that there are sometimes meetings for the younger crowd also and I bet if you asked some people at the meeting (maybe the ones who run it) they may know of meetings that would suit you, IF YOU decide that's what you want to do.
We're here all the time, keep coming back and good luck with everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10
Thanks for the info about na! I think i might go tomorrow just to see what its like.
My girlfriend would support me and would be sad to know that i relapsed but if she knew i was going behind her back to get it from the same old friend, she would be so hurt, upset and/or angry. Itd be so much easier if i could say i was using an old supply or something but its not true and i dont want to come clean about one lie to start another.
I love her so much and we're so happy. Ive never felt love before i knew her. I think if she wasnt around, i would probably go back to heroin.
The thing is that i dont think i really want to stop. I want to WANT to stop. Its like i wish i wanted to stop but i dont really want to.. But the guilt i feel is really adding up and i want to be clean and honest for my girlfriend. I just dont know if i can stay sober if i dont want to be. Does anyone have experience with that?
My girlfriend would support me and would be sad to know that i relapsed but if she knew i was going behind her back to get it from the same old friend, she would be so hurt, upset and/or angry. Itd be so much easier if i could say i was using an old supply or something but its not true and i dont want to come clean about one lie to start another.
I love her so much and we're so happy. Ive never felt love before i knew her. I think if she wasnt around, i would probably go back to heroin.
The thing is that i dont think i really want to stop. I want to WANT to stop. Its like i wish i wanted to stop but i dont really want to.. But the guilt i feel is really adding up and i want to be clean and honest for my girlfriend. I just dont know if i can stay sober if i dont want to be. Does anyone have experience with that?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by Received
Do you feel safe talking to your parents or another adult family member about your struggle? If not, possibly a school counselor?
Maybe im wrong. Idk. but them being caught up with other things is also kinda the reason they havent noticed ive been dependent on painkillers since 8th grade.
Ive always dealt with things independently. I dont know who i could go to who would help me instead of focusing on the stigma of the situation.
Thank you all so much for all your encouragement, opinions and responses. It means so much to me. Really, thank you so much.
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