Help! Hubby has an idea!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
I find your husbands desperate attempt to get you to drink to be sad, selfish and dangerous.
I would simply say that I no longer drink alcohol and there is nothing further to discuss.
Either he will support you or he will choose not to support.
Either way, you don't drink.
Good luck.
I would simply say that I no longer drink alcohol and there is nothing further to discuss.
Either he will support you or he will choose not to support.
Either way, you don't drink.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
Remember the great obsession of every alcoholic is to be able to drink like normal people. When we are honest we know we cannot do that. This will not be the last time this thought pops into your head with or without the urging of your husband. You CANNOT drink. At all. It is very simple. No he said, she said, what if stuff. You just can't. Ask your husband if he still wants to be married? Have you in his life? If he says yes than there is no going back to alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My H was less than impressed when I first quit either. I'm not sure he didn't believe I had a drinking problem, more likely didn't want to face his own and was anxious about how our relationship would change without the 'fun' of being drunk together (it wasn't fun, and hadn't been for some time, but its all we knew!)
I did relapse after 7 weeks, and it was truly awful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Stay strong. Remember your last drunken experience? Well, it gets worse....
You know what you are, you're like the rest of us here.
No need to return to the life that was making you so unhappy x
I did relapse after 7 weeks, and it was truly awful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Stay strong. Remember your last drunken experience? Well, it gets worse....
You know what you are, you're like the rest of us here.
No need to return to the life that was making you so unhappy x
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Arctic, I can't believe you are considering drinking again.
A week ago, we thought you were going to die from drinking.
Here's two threads to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lood-puke.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
A week ago, we thought you were going to die from drinking.
Here's two threads to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lood-puke.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Non-alcoholics don't get it. It makes no sense to them that we can't just slow down, take it easy, have a drink or two now and then and leave it at that. That's understandable, since they've never experienced addiction.
It doesn't matter if your husband gets it. You get it. And he'll get used to you being a non-drinker eventually. You will be happier, more relaxed—who wouldn't consider that an improvement?
Your addiction will try to seize his words, convince you maybe he's right. Again, listen to yourself. Remember why you're doing this. If you could moderate, you never would started this journey. But that's OK—you're gonna love this new life, it just takes some time.
It doesn't matter if your husband gets it. You get it. And he'll get used to you being a non-drinker eventually. You will be happier, more relaxed—who wouldn't consider that an improvement?
Your addiction will try to seize his words, convince you maybe he's right. Again, listen to yourself. Remember why you're doing this. If you could moderate, you never would started this journey. But that's OK—you're gonna love this new life, it just takes some time.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Does his idea of drinking a 6er on friday nights scare you?
I cringe at the very thought of that. Not because a few beers doesnt sound good. But because of how I know Id feel if I did that, wanting more, knowing I shouldnt, the uncertainty of it all.
The fact that at 55 days sober I get uncomfortable at the very idea of drinking just a 6er on fridays is a rock solid answer to me that I am alcoholic. Its in how I feel, not how much or how often.
So much of my reality has become more clear as Ive stayed sober a little longer. Its hard to see the mountain when you are standing so close to it.
If you can Id give it some time before you make this decision. The liquor stores and bars arent gonna vanish anytime soon. Maybe your husband has a fear of you not drinking for whatever reason he needs to sort out.
You have to worry about you.
I cringe at the very thought of that. Not because a few beers doesnt sound good. But because of how I know Id feel if I did that, wanting more, knowing I shouldnt, the uncertainty of it all.
The fact that at 55 days sober I get uncomfortable at the very idea of drinking just a 6er on fridays is a rock solid answer to me that I am alcoholic. Its in how I feel, not how much or how often.
So much of my reality has become more clear as Ive stayed sober a little longer. Its hard to see the mountain when you are standing so close to it.
If you can Id give it some time before you make this decision. The liquor stores and bars arent gonna vanish anytime soon. Maybe your husband has a fear of you not drinking for whatever reason he needs to sort out.
You have to worry about you.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I've actually sold your husband's plan to my wife several times, except in reverse - I am the drinker.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by ArcticSA 
So things are taking a turn for a worse and I need to tell you all. I’m on day 6 today and am feeling pretty good. Still just dealing with grieving my drinking nights. I mentioned that to my husband and he said well why don’t you have just a couple? Catch a buzz then stop? I tell him I can’t its not that easy, not to mention there is no point in drinking(in my eyes) if I’m not getting drunk. He just does not get it. He says “Well I’m not not gonna drink for the rest of my life, I plan having a few here and there, and if I have a night out I’ll have more than a few”
Then he says “What you were doing was making a habit out of it, drinking almost every night, obviously you can’t do that, you need to stop that habit, that doesn’t mean you have to stop drinking 100%,never again!!”
So I Say “Well I can’t help myself” and he says “ Then I WILL stop you, you are not going to be drinking every night anymore, but I say we should have one night a week ON the weekend, not during the week when I work, one night, that’s it no more!”
So he knows I drink too much. He says you have a problem drinking too much? Then stop. I told him I planned on going to AA or counseling. He says for what? I say for support. He says I’m your support.
He thinks I am overreacting, being dramatic, to extreme with my quit. He says I need to cut back and he will help me.
Mind you, he is not a domineering controlling husband. He is the sweetest, strongest, most respectful man I know, and I trust him with my life. He wants to help me stop my binge drinking, but not stop all alcohol, all at once(because lets face it, we love drinking beer together)
I mean if my other half believes this “cutting way back to one night a week” is going to work, shouldn’t I trust him? This isn’t me giving me this idea, it’s my love!
And I put all faith in him to hold me to it, and he will. He is NOT the kind to just lose interest, give up, and let things go back. And I am not the kind to sneak drinking or anything , and I would never dream of lying about drinking(I can’t lie to him anyway). So what is wrong with this situation?
He thinks Friday should be our day. Oh and he stresses a 6-pack each, no getting smashed. Get snacks, watch movie, drink a 6-er, and move on with our lives like normal people!
I don’t know what to do! Tell him No his idea sucks and Im not gonna give at all on this drinking thing?? Or try it and see if it works??
I mean at this point after being on this site for a while, I feel like this would be looked at as FAILING. And I don’t want to feel like a failed!!?!? Say I can manage, just say, drinking one night a week. Is that so bad??
Or is that the dreaded AV speaking?? Am I even an alcoholic?? I really wish I could talk to a counselor, but guess what? No openings until Feb. 22nd!!
Advice, advice?!?!
Then he says “What you were doing was making a habit out of it, drinking almost every night, obviously you can’t do that, you need to stop that habit, that doesn’t mean you have to stop drinking 100%,never again!!”
So I Say “Well I can’t help myself” and he says “ Then I WILL stop you, you are not going to be drinking every night anymore, but I say we should have one night a week ON the weekend, not during the week when I work, one night, that’s it no more!”
So he knows I drink too much. He says you have a problem drinking too much? Then stop. I told him I planned on going to AA or counseling. He says for what? I say for support. He says I’m your support.
He thinks I am overreacting, being dramatic, to extreme with my quit. He says I need to cut back and he will help me.
Mind you, he is not a domineering controlling husband. He is the sweetest, strongest, most respectful man I know, and I trust him with my life. He wants to help me stop my binge drinking, but not stop all alcohol, all at once(because lets face it, we love drinking beer together)
I mean if my other half believes this “cutting way back to one night a week” is going to work, shouldn’t I trust him? This isn’t me giving me this idea, it’s my love!
And I put all faith in him to hold me to it, and he will. He is NOT the kind to just lose interest, give up, and let things go back. And I am not the kind to sneak drinking or anything , and I would never dream of lying about drinking(I can’t lie to him anyway). So what is wrong with this situation?
He thinks Friday should be our day. Oh and he stresses a 6-pack each, no getting smashed. Get snacks, watch movie, drink a 6-er, and move on with our lives like normal people!
I don’t know what to do! Tell him No his idea sucks and Im not gonna give at all on this drinking thing?? Or try it and see if it works??
I mean at this point after being on this site for a while, I feel like this would be looked at as FAILING. And I don’t want to feel like a failed!!?!? Say I can manage, just say, drinking one night a week. Is that so bad??
Or is that the dreaded AV speaking?? Am I even an alcoholic?? I really wish I could talk to a counselor, but guess what? No openings until Feb. 22nd!!
Advice, advice?!?!
Hi Artica,
I say let your husband READ this thread--he'll GET IT!
....and P.S. Mr. Hubby!!!! Your not her father ,your her Partner--allow her to make her own decissions she knows more than you do about what SHE needs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
a 6-pack each, no getting smashed
Maybe I'm just not that bright - I just don't understand why women stay with men like this. As a guy all I can say is he just sounds like a jerk.
I certainly wouldn't let one of my buddies lay that kind of stuff on me. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway - there's probably a lot of guys out there that would treat you a lot better.
Just my two cents.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Artic -
I'm so glad you posted - I think we all get how tempting your husband's idea is at this point and how tough it is to hold on in those first days. I promise you, it's worth it, though.
A 6-pack on Saturday sounds totally reasonable - in theory. The problem we have is that weeks or months down the road we'll find an excuse to let ourselves drink on a Friday (or a holiday, or because we're on vacation, or our dog died). It keeps us in the mental game and sooner or later, alcohol is going to win.
What you really want is freedom..... to be able to live happily without alcohol and look forward to the weekend because you have something wonderful planned, not because you'll be able to have a 6-pack.
I know it's hard to imagine life without it right now. I couldn't either, for quite a while. It felt weird to be sober at first and everything seemed boring. I was moody and sensitive and jealous of people who could drink normally. It's hard getting through all that, but that's what we're here for - to remind you it really does get better. Your husband sounds like a great guy, just maybe not the best person to advise you on drinking.
Hang in there and congrats on your 6 days!!:ghug3
I'm so glad you posted - I think we all get how tempting your husband's idea is at this point and how tough it is to hold on in those first days. I promise you, it's worth it, though.
A 6-pack on Saturday sounds totally reasonable - in theory. The problem we have is that weeks or months down the road we'll find an excuse to let ourselves drink on a Friday (or a holiday, or because we're on vacation, or our dog died). It keeps us in the mental game and sooner or later, alcohol is going to win.
What you really want is freedom..... to be able to live happily without alcohol and look forward to the weekend because you have something wonderful planned, not because you'll be able to have a 6-pack.
I know it's hard to imagine life without it right now. I couldn't either, for quite a while. It felt weird to be sober at first and everything seemed boring. I was moody and sensitive and jealous of people who could drink normally. It's hard getting through all that, but that's what we're here for - to remind you it really does get better. Your husband sounds like a great guy, just maybe not the best person to advise you on drinking.
Hang in there and congrats on your 6 days!!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
I've actually sold your husband's plan to my wife several times, except in reverse - I am the drinker.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
This made me laugh.
Here's my addition;
" New plan baby, I am only going to drink Vodka from now on."
Guess what followed?
" New plan Baby, I'm drinking too much vodka, so I'm going back to beer."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
I've actually sold your husband's plan to my wife several times, except in reverse - I am the drinker.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink on Fridays and Saturdays."
"New plan, Baby, I am only going to drink when we have other people over."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink beer."
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink 2 days a month."
All of those plans turned out to be partially true, summed up as:
"New plan, baby, I am only going to drink."
Best of luck however it turns out.
OH That's a good one, Nonsensical---very Funny !!! A Thanks wasn't good enough, LOL
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Artic,
I agree with the others. Also you have to realize that there is a very good chance that your husband is a codie.
Codependents have their own madness going on too (from years of living with us) and your becoming sober probably is shaking his own little world. It's easier sometimes to accept the status quo and playing martyr/rescuer/control freak etc. rather than deal with one's own issues.
I should know because I lived with a raging alcoholic while sober and I ended up in Al Anon (did their 12 steps). I found out that I was even crazier as a sober codie than as an active drunk.
I do not doubt that he is a nice guy who loves you but he needs to realize that you puking blood is a serious concern. I suggest that you just tell him that you got really scared and that for now you chose to abstain completely whether he likes it or not.
A good movie you might like to watch on the subject of female alcoholic/codependent husband is "When a man loves a woman". Your becoming sober is not the end of the problems, it's like peeling the layers of an onion and can reveal deeper issues underlaying your relationship.
Stay strong you can do it :ghug3
I agree with the others. Also you have to realize that there is a very good chance that your husband is a codie.
Codependents have their own madness going on too (from years of living with us) and your becoming sober probably is shaking his own little world. It's easier sometimes to accept the status quo and playing martyr/rescuer/control freak etc. rather than deal with one's own issues.
I should know because I lived with a raging alcoholic while sober and I ended up in Al Anon (did their 12 steps). I found out that I was even crazier as a sober codie than as an active drunk.
I do not doubt that he is a nice guy who loves you but he needs to realize that you puking blood is a serious concern. I suggest that you just tell him that you got really scared and that for now you chose to abstain completely whether he likes it or not.
A good movie you might like to watch on the subject of female alcoholic/codependent husband is "When a man loves a woman". Your becoming sober is not the end of the problems, it's like peeling the layers of an onion and can reveal deeper issues underlaying your relationship.
Stay strong you can do it :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 210
please read chapter 3
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdfhttp://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf
This passage in particular helps me:
We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warn- ings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succes- sion. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay- walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdfhttp://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf
This passage in particular helps me:
We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warn- ings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succes- sion. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay- walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
(quote)"Hey - six beers should be getting you smashed. If six beers doesn't do it you've got a serious problem.
Maybe I'm just not that bright - I just don't understand why women stay with men like this. As a guy all I can say is he just sounds like a jerk.
I certainly wouldn't let one of my buddies lay that kind of stuff on me. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway - there's probably a lot of guys out there that would treat you a lot better.
Just my two cents. "(quote)
OK. I just had to clarify something, while most of you read my post how I meant it to sound, I think some people have misconstrued a bit, or maybe I left something out...
My husband is not a "control freak" "father" "jerk",etc. and I stay with him because he is amazing in all ways and supportive. The ONLY reason he brought up this whole idea is because of ME. Not because he's afraid of me getting sober or because he missed his "best drinkin buddy"
Its because I have been WHINING and moaning every night about how BORING life has become. I get through my day, put kids to bed, stare at the walls for an hour then go to bed at 8:30-9 for lack of what else to do. He hears how unhappy I am and tries to fix it. Thats all. He's not manipulating or corercing in anyway. The minute he quietly brought it up as a possible option did I shoot him down?? No,no I said "hmmm that might be an idea"
Because yes it sucks not drinking. It really f-ing sucks. I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. There is nothing to look forward to in the evening, and I dont know how to cope, so I complain to my only friend(hubby) who just wants to make me feel better!
So yes, just to clarify, it is MY FAULT, not his. And I am defensive of him, thank you very much.
Maybe I'm just not that bright - I just don't understand why women stay with men like this. As a guy all I can say is he just sounds like a jerk.
I certainly wouldn't let one of my buddies lay that kind of stuff on me. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway - there's probably a lot of guys out there that would treat you a lot better.
Just my two cents. "(quote)
OK. I just had to clarify something, while most of you read my post how I meant it to sound, I think some people have misconstrued a bit, or maybe I left something out...
My husband is not a "control freak" "father" "jerk",etc. and I stay with him because he is amazing in all ways and supportive. The ONLY reason he brought up this whole idea is because of ME. Not because he's afraid of me getting sober or because he missed his "best drinkin buddy"
Its because I have been WHINING and moaning every night about how BORING life has become. I get through my day, put kids to bed, stare at the walls for an hour then go to bed at 8:30-9 for lack of what else to do. He hears how unhappy I am and tries to fix it. Thats all. He's not manipulating or corercing in anyway. The minute he quietly brought it up as a possible option did I shoot him down?? No,no I said "hmmm that might be an idea"
Because yes it sucks not drinking. It really f-ing sucks. I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. There is nothing to look forward to in the evening, and I dont know how to cope, so I complain to my only friend(hubby) who just wants to make me feel better!
So yes, just to clarify, it is MY FAULT, not his. And I am defensive of him, thank you very much.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ArcticSA
Because yes it sucks not drinking. It really f-ing sucks. I feel more depressed than I have in a long time.
Alcohol has been your salve for what ails you.
No more. Stay strong. And give your husband a break with the whining and moaning. Early recovery may make you miserable. It's no excuse to make your loved ones miserable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
People are just trying to be helpful, not attack your husband...whom no one knows.
The fact of the matter is that for a lot of SR members, alcohol was destroying their lives and was slowly killing them. ( Some faster than others.) So when I read about a spouse encouraging the drunk to drink, it raises some serious red flags.
I'm fortunate to have a spouse who supports me and accepts that I will never drink again. I'm being truthful when I say that it would be a lot harder to quit if my wife suggested I drink on occasion or tried to convince me that I don't really have a problem that can't be managed with responsible moderation.
I'm of the opinion that you need to have a very serious talk with your husband and guide him towards understanding your life threatening addiction.
The fact of the matter is that for a lot of SR members, alcohol was destroying their lives and was slowly killing them. ( Some faster than others.) So when I read about a spouse encouraging the drunk to drink, it raises some serious red flags.
I'm fortunate to have a spouse who supports me and accepts that I will never drink again. I'm being truthful when I say that it would be a lot harder to quit if my wife suggested I drink on occasion or tried to convince me that I don't really have a problem that can't be managed with responsible moderation.
I'm of the opinion that you need to have a very serious talk with your husband and guide him towards understanding your life threatening addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
You're six days in. It's going to take some time to heal, physically but more importantly, emotionally.
Alcohol has been your salve for what ails you.
No more. Stay strong. And give your husband a break with the whining and moaning. Early recovery may make you miserable. It's no excuse to make your loved ones miserable.
Alcohol has been your salve for what ails you.
No more. Stay strong. And give your husband a break with the whining and moaning. Early recovery may make you miserable. It's no excuse to make your loved ones miserable.
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