Sunnybird03

I've been trying to quit drinking for sometime now. The longest I have gone is almost a month. Lately, I can only go about three or four days. In those days I'm not drinking, I feel wonderful! I'm not sick, I'm not messed up, my head is clear, I actually function! Then for some reason I get it in my head that I'm going to have a drink. And every single time I tell myself I'll just have one or two and every single time it ends up being the whole bottle, or until I pass out. I'm hiding my alcoholism from a lot of people. I did get a DUI, so people close to me know I have a problem, but they all think I've quit. Hiding this from people has been exhausting and I just want to be done for good! I don't want this crap in my life anymore. I can't take this anymore. The guilt and shame is too much and today has been the first day I can honestly say I want to die. I would never hurt myself, but I can't continue living this way.

I've been going to AA and it has seemed to help. I work and go to school, so sometime my schedule doesn't allow me to go to as many meetings as I would like. I can't figure out why on earth I choose to drink. I hate it anymore. I hate how I feel, I hate how I lie, I hate everything about it and I still do it! And I make very poor choices when I drink. I can see that I have to stop, so why can't I?? I'm feeling very lost.

doggonecarl

You can do this!

Perhaps you are going about it wrong. Do you have a sponsor? What step are you on?

Sunnybird03

I thought I was on step two...but I'm thinking I haven't fully accepted step one. I know I have a problem, I know alcohol is ruining my life and I am powerless to it. But I don't think I've fully accepted it.

MIRecovery

But do you have a sponsor?

Sunnybird03

No sponsor yet. The only women I've met so far have been newcomers like me.

doggonecarl

Apparently not.

I do not want to accuse you of not trying, but you should think about redoubling your efforts. Put as much effort into recovery as you are putting into hiding your drinking and you may find some measure of success.

At least I hope so.

doggonecarl

Also, you might add some "tools" to your recovery toolbox. AVRT helped me recognize and deal with that voice that told me it was okay to drink, even though I had vowed to quit.

MIRecovery

The next meeting when they ask is there any annoucements tell the group you are looking for a sponsor even a temporary sponsor

Sunnybird03

I've never really looked at it that way. Obviously I'm finding time to drink and putting a ton of effort into hiding it...it's fair to say I should put that much effort into quitting. Thanks, this really did help.

Sunnybird03

I will do that. That is a good idea. Thanks

Sunnybird03

It's so hard. That voice is so strong and sometime I can ignore it and beat it, and sometimes I give in so quickly. I wish I could train myself to deal with that voice in my head. I have enjoyed AA, but there are a few things I don't like about it. I will have to look into AVRT.

escapist

I have a love hate relationship with alcohol. If you can quit and stay that way for awhile you will find that the turmoil associated with it diminishes.

jazzfish

I've been there. The urges to drink can come suddenly, subtly and fly in the face of everything we know or want to achieve. For too long, I kept searching for the right solution that would be effective for me. I finally accepted that not only was I an alcoholic, but that quitting drinking was going to be based totally on me. There was plenty of evidence to show that I was an alcoholic, but it took a bit more to really accept that there would never be a return to normal drinking for me.

I then realized that all my searching was really just procrastination about quitting. I wanted to squeeze in one more good time. Hopefully. Maybe. But always disappointed.

There was no doubt that I wanted to quit, but I was trying to put it off or find an easier way. I was going to have to make the decision and stick with it through the withdrawals and uncomfortable adjustment to new life habits. Everyday, I start by reminding myself that I made a decision to quit drinking and that I will never question that decision. I remind myself that any ideas or thought contrary to staying quit are my alcoholism and not me. Those thoughts and ideas are to be ignored. I made short-term commitments to sobriety of 5-7 days, as one day at a time was to easy for me to push to tomorrow. Most importantly, when I identified a problem area in my sobriety, I asked for help and followed the advice I was given.

Soberwolf

This will help others

KateL

You can do it. As you said hiding it from people is exhausting. If I had put as much effort into getting a phd I would be a doctor by now. As time goes on it does get easier and you don't have to hide anymore. Your stress levels will go right down. Good luck. xxx