WatchTheSky

The first time I got sober, I had just turned 20. After 5 long and difficult months of sobriety, I decided that I wasn't actually an alcoholic. I had never in my life been a normal drinker, but decided I could magically become one. Big surprise-- still not!

I don't know whether or not I'm ready to get sober, which probably means I am not. But the path I'm on does scare me. I have a hard time thinking of myself as "an alcoholic" because I'm very high-functioning. For years, I've watched my dad struggle with the same questions about his own drinking. I worry for both of us. He's made it this far without any major physical consequences, but I'm female and not sure if I will be as lucky.

Here's what confuses me... In some situations, I can control my drinking. That's what makes me wonder if I'm actually an alcoholic or if I just have a continuous, deep-seated bad habit. I'm pretty well-behaved around other people. I can force myself to have just a few drinks if I'm around others. And if I quit for a little while, my problem takes awhile to creep back up to where it was before. I'm still not nearly as bad as I was at age 19. But when I'm alone and there's nobody to judge me, I just drink continuously. Needless to say, I prefer drinking alone! I love other people, but most of the time I'd rather just be alone with alcohol.

I promised myself that if my drinking ever started to negatively affect my work, I'd quit. I thought it made my work better. Maybe in college it actually did. Nowadays, it doesn't. I'm a PhD student and I do very well, but I could be better if I didn't drink daily.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night and it's now Wednesday night. I'm in withdrawal. I can't concentrate on work because that would require thinking about something other than alcohol. At this point, I'm just anxious, irritable, and restless. My stomach seems to have settled down by now and my headache is gone. I thought I would be less twitchy today, but I was still dropping everything, so I must have been a little shaky. I didn't realize it was noticeable until my friend asked if I had had too much coffee. (Also a common problem for me!)

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting. Honest opinions on whether or not I'm an alcoholic are always welcome, because I'm genuinely confused and have been for years. I do meet criteria for alcohol dependence, and have for much of the past 5 years, but the fact that I can sometimes control my drinking confuses me. Also, like I said, I don't know whether or not I'm ready to get sober. All I know is that I'm sober tonight and hating every minute of it.

Dee74

Welcome back WTS

If every time we drank we had bad stuff happen, or it was a negative experience, it might make it easier for a lot of us to quit...

but I had a couple of years of really disastrous drinking that didn't slow me down at all, so maybe it wouldn't help at all....

I had years - decades - of bad experiences, and a mere handful of 'good' times when I drank normally - guess which times I favoured in my mind?

It's not unusual.
As active drinkers, we all suffer from denial in various forms and different levels.

I think it often suits us to believe that to really be an alcoholic you have to live under a bridge, drink from a bottle in a paper bag, and spend half your life in jail...but it's just not true.

Look around at all of us

I don't really think you're confused - I think you know what the reality is - it's finding the acceptance of that reality that's the hard bit.

Have you thought of finding more support?
D

Lillylh28

Hi WTS, I also got sober at 20. After four years of sobriety I convinced myself that I was just young and it was a rough time in my life. Now after a four year long relapse I am back to realizing that I'm an alcoholic and always was. I wish I could get that time back. I hope you find your answers on this forum. It has certainly given me a great perspective into my own situation as well as support during a diifficult time. Best of luck to you.

WatchTheSky

Dee, I have thought about finding more support. Looked up meetings in my area and everything on Saturday night. When I'm drunk, I decide I'll check out an open meeting. By the next day, I decide I don't need to. I've been doing that on and off for years. One of my regrets from my first period of sobriety was doing it alone.

Lilly, thank you for sharing! That sounds similar to me. I was young and it was a rough time. I'm still young, and noticing that I don't even seem to need a rough time to drink excessively. I find any excuse to drink. Sounds like you came to a similar conclusion.

AA4life

So glad you are back. I always think that if people wonder if they have a drinking problem then they probably do. If people wonder if they are alcoholic then that is probably true to. I was reading a few weeks back that the DSM was thinking about changing, or maybe even had changed, the definition of alcoholism. Addiction doesn't fit into well defined boxes in a table on a pamphlet. It is more of a spectrum, so they were trying to portray that with their new definition.

You are having the physical symptoms from drinking bouts for multiple days after you drank. This to me is a huge red flag. That and the fact that you wonder if you are or aren't. Blacking out is another flag.

You don't have to have huge, catastrophic, negative consequences to be defined as a problem drinker, or an alcoholic, or a lush, or whatever. If you drink enough to make you think that you are a better person if you don't drink then that means something too.

You fit somewhere in this spectrum that is normal drinking on one end and alcoholism on the other.

Congrats on the Ph D program! That is awesome. So happy for you.

Keep coming back and reading and thinking about these types of issues. They are important. Plus you are so young. You can lurk, learn and listen for as long as you like.

:-)

least

Glad you're back giving it another shot. I really think it's pointless to engage in a debate about which label to use on yourself, rather just think if alcohol is causing problems in your life. If it is then you've got reason to quit.

I hope you can stop now while you're still so young. That way you won't be making any bad memories for when you're older.

Sazzle

Hi WatchTheSky. Glad you are back and questioning. All my drinking was done in full public glare to prove to myself I wasn't an alcoholic. 'But I never drink alone....' Etc. I controlled my alone drinking (I never drank in my home)

Sounds like you are doing the opposite. Never getting out of it in company to prove to yourself you're not an alcohol.

It's amazing the willpower us alcoholics have to prove something/convince ourselves of a non truth.

Any kind of uncontrolled drinking, either alone or in public is a red flag in my opinion.

I wish I'd learnt this 15 years ago at your age when I wasn't half as bad as I was when I quit 105 days ago. For good.

S x

Spinach

Hi, you found this place ,so you know your drinkings worrying you. Save time, money, anxiety and a whole other bunch of stuff that just gets bigger and follows you around and stop now. It may be easier certainly you will have caused less damage physically.
I would have loved to have ended my love affair with drink in my twenties I thought about it but never had the skills and knowledge of how !I stopped in my late forties life is so much better without.
Stay here and pick up help , tips and even friends.
John.
Oh and forget the term alcoholic if that's what's stopping you progressing.
Problem drinker helps some people and others like to say " you know I just don't no reason" . If it helps use it if it hinders lose it.

AlisonW

Welcome WatchtheSky! I too was able to control my drinking - sometimes. Sometimes, I didn't even want to drink at all. And sometimes I would drink so much that I would blackout, made a fool of myself, did and said things I regret, had to cancel a vacation without a refund because I was too hungover to get on a plane, picked fights with people I love and eventually, got a DWI.
My problem is that one I have one drink, I cannot guarantee whether it will be a night of control, or a night of no control. For me, doesn't matter if I'm home or out, alone or with others. Once that first drink happens, all bets are off. So I've made the choice to quit completely, because otherwise, absolutely anything could happen.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I don't really care if that's the correct title for me. Maybe I'm more of a binge drinker, or problem drinker, or maybe I have a behavioral issue. I find it doesn't really matter. When I drink, there's problems. When I don't, there aren't. It's not easy, but it's that simple.
Best wishes, Alison

MIRecovery

I think you know the answer already. Get honest with yourself and the truth will be pretty obvious

bbthumper

Hello and welcome!
The Big Book of AA suggests a couple of things to help determine if you are an alcoholic. They deal with choice and control.

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirelyor if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably an alcoholic."

Have you ever been given a sufficient reason to not drink and ended up drinking anyways?
Do you ever drink more than you intended to?

The book suggests that this loss of control never occurs in an average drinker. So that tells me that even if I am able to sometimes control my drinking, if I cant do it every time then chances are Im an alcoholic. Which was great news for me becuase there is a solution for that problem!

Best wishes to you.

1stepup

Hi, ive just read your message and can really connect with the doubt you are feeling as to whether you are an alcoholic or not, i felt exactly the same at your age and probably younger. Im 32 now and so wish i had stopped then before things got too out of hand (mind you the alcohol had already cost me a lot). Im only 4 days sober so still fighting the craving. I wish you well.