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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Uk
Posts: 6
New member.
Hi, found this site while looking up enabling. My husband is adamant he hasn't got a problem,i disagree.He is waiting to start CBT therapy after i went to the DR & told her about the debts. He tells me he has told the person who assesed him about the drinking.
We are in a repeating pattern, he run's up huge debts (i think gambling must play a part but he denies it - figures are too high & don't make sense,i'm sure it's not drugs). If he has £ he drinks every day but insists it's because,"i enjoy a drink,it helps me to relax". £ is very tight in this phase as we repay debt & he has no access to credit cards because his credit rating is shot. So,i find him trying to get £ out of me for beer. I am now very concious of how i've been manipulated for beer £. He will "offer" me something as a trade off,other times i've been left with NO £ of my own while he's happy he has his beer's!
This time was much,much worse. He had £25k credit card debt in 2007, bullied me into a secured loan for £50k(still kicking myself&feeling angry with myself for letting him pressure me into it). More promises "i'll never do it again","no more credit card's i promise". etc etc etc, heard it all before so why oh why did i think this time'd be different???? I now see I was in denial.
Then massive debts AGAIN, over £50k this time,bigger & much more serious than before. We were on the verge of BANKRUPTCY yet again (about the 3rd time but this was the most serious). My family stepped in (again) lending me/us £ to do a Full & Final IVA to pay creditors a % to clear the debts. We are in the process of re paying them each month.
I am disabled,he is my carer. He agreed to stick to 3 drinks after he hit me during a row when he'd been drinking - he pushes it over 3 if he can get it,hides can's etc or comes up with excuses ie "it's Christmas". We are limited with £ at the moment with repaying my family but if he can get £ beer is what he wants. I'm feeling concerned that he's getting physical when he's had a drink - cornering me,moving my walking aid away,holding me so i can't get away,shaking etc. Of late he's drunk wine when there's no beer - that's not like him.
We should get my family repaid this yr. I'm worried about him having more £ for beer. All he wants is beer & lottery(thinks he will have the big win & says he'll buy me a bungalow).
He's being v nice at the moment,it's hard,i don't know what's real & what is him manipulating.
He's angry with me because he's making all the same promises & i'm not re assured by them anymore. He said he can't believe how calm i am. Looking back i can see these signs were all there before we married. I love him,I see so much good in him,he can be so funny,warm & caring & has looked after me with my disability, but he's used my disability too to take advantage of me too. The blinkers are slowly coming off.
I have now set my 1st boundary. " i am not lending any more money off my parents for you. If you do it again i will file for Bankruptcy & you will have to sort yourself out". And i mean it. Talking to my Dr broke the silence,I don't normally tell anyone. I've set a quiet 2nd boundary for myself - I'm not giving him £ for beer.
The fear i will be tested is awful but i cannot live my life like this anymore.
We are in a repeating pattern, he run's up huge debts (i think gambling must play a part but he denies it - figures are too high & don't make sense,i'm sure it's not drugs). If he has £ he drinks every day but insists it's because,"i enjoy a drink,it helps me to relax". £ is very tight in this phase as we repay debt & he has no access to credit cards because his credit rating is shot. So,i find him trying to get £ out of me for beer. I am now very concious of how i've been manipulated for beer £. He will "offer" me something as a trade off,other times i've been left with NO £ of my own while he's happy he has his beer's!
This time was much,much worse. He had £25k credit card debt in 2007, bullied me into a secured loan for £50k(still kicking myself&feeling angry with myself for letting him pressure me into it). More promises "i'll never do it again","no more credit card's i promise". etc etc etc, heard it all before so why oh why did i think this time'd be different???? I now see I was in denial.
Then massive debts AGAIN, over £50k this time,bigger & much more serious than before. We were on the verge of BANKRUPTCY yet again (about the 3rd time but this was the most serious). My family stepped in (again) lending me/us £ to do a Full & Final IVA to pay creditors a % to clear the debts. We are in the process of re paying them each month.
I am disabled,he is my carer. He agreed to stick to 3 drinks after he hit me during a row when he'd been drinking - he pushes it over 3 if he can get it,hides can's etc or comes up with excuses ie "it's Christmas". We are limited with £ at the moment with repaying my family but if he can get £ beer is what he wants. I'm feeling concerned that he's getting physical when he's had a drink - cornering me,moving my walking aid away,holding me so i can't get away,shaking etc. Of late he's drunk wine when there's no beer - that's not like him.
We should get my family repaid this yr. I'm worried about him having more £ for beer. All he wants is beer & lottery(thinks he will have the big win & says he'll buy me a bungalow).
He's being v nice at the moment,it's hard,i don't know what's real & what is him manipulating.
He's angry with me because he's making all the same promises & i'm not re assured by them anymore. He said he can't believe how calm i am. Looking back i can see these signs were all there before we married. I love him,I see so much good in him,he can be so funny,warm & caring & has looked after me with my disability, but he's used my disability too to take advantage of me too. The blinkers are slowly coming off.
I have now set my 1st boundary. " i am not lending any more money off my parents for you. If you do it again i will file for Bankruptcy & you will have to sort yourself out". And i mean it. Talking to my Dr broke the silence,I don't normally tell anyone. I've set a quiet 2nd boundary for myself - I'm not giving him £ for beer.
The fear i will be tested is awful but i cannot live my life like this anymore.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Welcome to the forums,
As far as your husbands drinking goes you are best off looking in the below forum.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I went bankrupt last year because of gambling debts and these guys helped me out with my debts.
StepChange (CCCS) | Free debt advice | Debt management help
Being in debt is so stressful it is unbelievable but luckily you can set various plans up. Until your husband sees what he is doing to you and himself he won't change, or admit he has a problem. However you can try to get him to see that he has a problem.
Natom.
As far as your husbands drinking goes you are best off looking in the below forum.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I went bankrupt last year because of gambling debts and these guys helped me out with my debts.
StepChange (CCCS) | Free debt advice | Debt management help
Being in debt is so stressful it is unbelievable but luckily you can set various plans up. Until your husband sees what he is doing to you and himself he won't change, or admit he has a problem. However you can try to get him to see that he has a problem.
Natom.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Willhewonthe -
I'm sorry for your situation but very glad you're reaching out for support and setting boundaries. They call alcoholism the "disease of denial," so it's not surprising that your husband has million rationalizations for his drinking. Over time, things tend to get worse unless the alcoholic is forced to face the consequences of his/her drinking and decides to get help.
Even more concerning than money is the abuse. It's totally unacceptable. I'm not familiar with the laws in the UK, but I'd check into it so that you can report his behavior and get some protection.
Glad you're here....:ghug3
I'm sorry for your situation but very glad you're reaching out for support and setting boundaries. They call alcoholism the "disease of denial," so it's not surprising that your husband has million rationalizations for his drinking. Over time, things tend to get worse unless the alcoholic is forced to face the consequences of his/her drinking and decides to get help.
Even more concerning than money is the abuse. It's totally unacceptable. I'm not familiar with the laws in the UK, but I'd check into it so that you can report his behavior and get some protection.
Glad you're here....:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Uk
Posts: 6
hi, thankyou for the replies. i have told our dr - new for me i normally keep everthing to myself, so the dr was shocked.
sometimes he says,"you just want me to not drink don't you? i know you do".
the truth is i get scared if he drinks because if there's a row it can get physical. i found it baffling that he's said 2/3 times,"i thought you were going to hit ME". i couldn't understand how he could say that???!!!! i walk with a walking aid,i couldn't understand how he could POSSIBLY think that - but i realised it was just a smoke screen to make excuses for his actions - i love him but i am seeing how devious he can be.
he keeps doing this thing with his leather belt when he gets undressed for bed - he pulls it out hard so it makes a slapping sound - i've told him i don't like it,that it sounds threatening but he still does it.
if he gets physical again i have decided i'll tell my dr. a boundary for myself. he's my carer & most of the time he's good to me(sounds a contridiction reading my above post).
sometimes he says,"you just want me to not drink don't you? i know you do".
the truth is i get scared if he drinks because if there's a row it can get physical. i found it baffling that he's said 2/3 times,"i thought you were going to hit ME". i couldn't understand how he could say that???!!!! i walk with a walking aid,i couldn't understand how he could POSSIBLY think that - but i realised it was just a smoke screen to make excuses for his actions - i love him but i am seeing how devious he can be.
he keeps doing this thing with his leather belt when he gets undressed for bed - he pulls it out hard so it makes a slapping sound - i've told him i don't like it,that it sounds threatening but he still does it.
if he gets physical again i have decided i'll tell my dr. a boundary for myself. he's my carer & most of the time he's good to me(sounds a contridiction reading my above post).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 165
I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. Artsoul's post is absolutely right - his behaviour is utterly, totally unacceptable. It's really good you spoke to your GP. I'm not qualified and don't want to presume anything or make unwelcome suggestions... but reading your posts I think it's important you find professional support beyond your GP - a crisis help-line for example. It might be you're in a crisis situation, it may be you don't feel you are... but at least they'll be able to give you proper, experienced, knowledgable advice just in case.
Be safe. Your well-being is the priority.
Be safe. Your well-being is the priority.
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