DaveyT

Ok today I nearly let the cravings get the better of me again, it was an extremely close call. I walked to the shop around 4pm, purchased a 4 pack of beer and took it home. I got a glass and sat at the desk, hating myself every moment. I sat looking at that four pack for a while, stood up, walked around, sat down looking at it again, rinse and repeat for a good 20 minutes.

Finally I came to a decision, I grabbed the beer walked to the toilet, opened it all and just dumped it down the loo. I've done this before but never without having drunk some first. I closed my eyes when I did this, not sure why. The time it took to pour it all away seemed to take ages, as each can went I felt the tension building up. So yeah, another day sober but that was so close to being ruined. Still only within my first week of sobriety but I know from past experience that it will get easier with time.

Feeling both slightly panicky because of the cravings but really proud of myself for dumping it all away without drinking any. It feels like a step in the right direction.

Dee74

I know you've said you'll be right once you get to 12 days...but can a little more support really hurt Davey?

White knuckling like this can be really wearing.

D

Xune

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

I'd like you to know that if 'serenity' in sobriety doesn't come to you by way of what you're doing now, there are lots of supports on SR and in the real world that can help you get there.

I don't know if what you've just gone through is a positive or a negative, but it sounds positively exhausting and emotionally draining.

DaveyT

Support is great but AA isn't for me, even secular groups are not for me, I'm not the kind of person who sits around sharing his feelings. Online is a different story, the anonymity provides a sort of shield for this kind of thing. This forum helps me more than I can tell you.

Yeah white knuckling is hard, but it's how I've always done it and I think for my personality type it's the best way forward.


Thinking about it more to me this was a real positive. I didn't drink, I faced a very nasty demon and I was strong in the face of it. I'm still sober and that is the most important part of it. I just needed to come on and admit it happened to sort of vent it. It's made me feel better doing this.

Nonsensical

I've gone to the store hating myself the whole time for doing it. I've envisioned dumping it once I get home, but never have dumped it out before putting a drunk on. Glad you could part with it once you had it home.

renaldo

I can identify with that. Holding hands and reciting the Lord's Prayer at the end of an AA meeting feels really icky. In terms of in person meetings, I have had a good experience with LifeRing. But being an internet addict, Sober Recovery is my go to place, and I thank the moderators once again for all their kind work.

That such a place exists is a Godsend for me.

paul99

Doesn't sound like a content way to go through life.

I found that I had to get out of my comfort zone to get the help I needed. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate - it will take all personality types.

I wish you the best

Dee74

I thought drinking was the best solution for my personality type.
Turns out I was wrong about that Davey

Noone can force you to do anything, but there are more options out there than AA or whiteknuckling.

D

vegibean

Davey, I for one am happy that you didn't drink it and dumped it down the "loo".

Here's an idea, I know others have offered suggestions, but have you tried changing certain habit in your life? Like instead of getting to that point where you're at the store, treat yourself to something else, like a good meal, sandwich, sweet treat or something like that?

Good for you, and glad you came here and shared with us.

Xune

White knuckling may have been how you've done it before' but honestly, how successful was it?

Maybe you can white knuckle it for the rest of your life, but I just know I couldn't.

I'm not in any 12 step groups or support groups, but I have learned to truly accept that I no longer drink alcohol.

Ever.

Best of luck to you.

EnderWiggin

this sounds so easy yet is so difficult. but without that acceptance, i would have caved today. alcohol simply isn't an option. no matter what.

i wish the very best of luck to you!

Bubovski

Great effort Davey but long to the long haul now!

Like2Hike

Good on you for fighting the demon back, DT. You may have peered into the abyss but you also turned away.

Received

Davey it's great to hear you didn't drink. What do you think you can put in to place, in the future, to keep you from actually going to the store and buying it in the first place?

Wifi

Wow.. Good job resisting, I could have never done that... Once I committed I would have been "ALL IN" and it certainly wouldn't have been a 4 pack... Good luck to you!

Pamel

Davey, I can only applaud what courage it took to do that. I know what others are saying: it is a good beginning. And I also feel that the 12-day mark is when things start to get less obsessive.

We are never "cured", I am convinced, and at this point I just want to get back to that 12-day mark.

Bravo on a good day one. (I think they are all "Day ones", personally. I have had lots of time (in a row) and still, that one moment comes along... The hard thing to do is prepare for it. I had a friend with 31 years who took one sip and was dead within a week.

I'm hanging in there with you.

DaveyT

I don't undesrstand this, whats the difference between me not drinking without the use of support groups and you not drinking without the use of support groups?

I've accepted I can't drink alcohol, now I'm just trying to stick to it.

mytime66

For what it's worth. I'm Proud of you to. Be strong my friend the rewards are bountiful.

Fandy

if buying 4 cans of beer and pouring it down the toilet helps you stay sober after posting about it, i say good for you!!!

maybe it really IS a form of therapy??? i'm glad to hear that you feel good about what you did....i hope you have a peaceful day or evening (i'm not sure about the time difference from me).

what day are you on?

Xune

You'd have not bought the four pack and thought about drinking if you were truly at peace with the reality that drinking is no longer an option.

No?

That's how I see it. Everyone is different though, I get that.

If buying beer and bringing it home, then dumping it is how you roll...who am I to argue?