soopy99

I've made my first serious attempts to stop drinking in the past month or so, and with these attempts comes some reflection on the past. It seems like my strongest and happiest memories are those from before I began drinking heavily (about 5 years ago). The more recent past, particularly the last year, seems like a blur. I remember events, of course, but don't recall the emotions and can't "connect" with those memories. It is a very disconcerting feeling, like I stopped living for the past few years and was just going through the motions between drinks.

Anyone else experience something like this?

Pataphor

a resounding yes! If I look back at the last 10 years that is a dominant feeling. It had gotten so bad I really couldn't recall much of the movie the night before, let alone how i felt about it.
We do stop living - I wonder sometimes with all the zombie mania if its a reflection for all of us who try and stay numb. It seems epidemic and understandable at the same time.
lots of others in the same boat here grab and oar.

MIRecovery

I numbed myself and became an emotional zombie. The only emotion I had felt for years was anger

DIYman

Very much so! My memory has never been great but over the last few years my ability to remember both specifics of conversations and more importantly how I felt about them seems to have diminished; and very proportional with my general increase in alcohol intake.

I've been in counselling since Feb last year (not to do with the alcohol) and this issue of feeling like I was losing time started to come up. It happened as much when I was sober as drunk - and was driving my partner round the bend.

I'd come across dissociation many years ago in the context of supporting a friend of mine, and we began to consider whether this was what was causing the lost time or whether it was the alcohol. This was one of the factors in stopping drinking (only Day 17 so far). I can't really tell whether its made a difference on the memory yet but I can definitely feel a whole lot more about recent weeks.

When I started counselling I was asked to think about what I wanted to achieve and I settled on the the phrase "I want to stop surviving and start living". I think I've used alcohol as a social crutch for years but it may have got to the point where it was numbing me so much it was ruining my narrative memory. In a few more months I hope I'll know more.

Sorry this is so long - and a bit disjointed.

Hevyn

Yes, soopy. Unfortunately my fuzzy/foggy time lasted for many years. I'm glad you're seeking a better life for yourself before things deteriorate further. You'll never regret it.

paul99

It's part and parcel of being an active alcoholic. Going through the motions is all I had left - there was no inner strength or emotion in me other than the strength to get the next bottle. We're passengers, asleep, in life.

kizzy40

The weight of the shame is massive for the selfishness and the denial that plagued me for the last 10+ years.
But it's so important not to be crushed...

soopy99

This realization is just one of many I'll need to keep in mind the next time my alcoholic voice tries to convince me I should attempt to return to moderate drinking.

MeetJohnDoe

I started keeping a journal in 2007, stopped about a year ago. I came across it last night, read it, and it was surreal. It was as if I were reading someone else's work. I could remember only half of what was in it.