spaul495

First this is scaring the hell out of me. I have viewed this forum in the past, i guess searching since I really do know the truth. I can not believe i've come to this point. I never considered myself an alcoholic. 17 years with a minimum of six per night in one to two hours during working nights. Now onto beer "and" liquior. I don't eat breakfast or lunch so that the effect is greater. I have screemed a thousand times and gotten mad as hell but nothing makes the change.

Long story very short is I can only stop when work requires it. I.E. on call once every two months. I call it hell week. Last time I had to take stuff I never thoutht I would touch. I want to stop but I dont know how.

This last weekend was real tough. I went to bed saturday at midnight after being drunk since friday afternoon and wasn't sober till about 3 pm sunday. I made a resolve to post on here sunday night when I was desperate and sober. That passed. Now it's monday night and I'm back to where I was before.

What makes this harder for me is a fiend (coworker) and mentor has a problem a thousand times worse than me. Truley the most gut wrenching thing I've ever seen. How can I have a problem when his is so much worse?


I sometimes think about AA but then rationalize that my problems aren't bad enough for that.

Any practical advise? At all?

vegibean

spaul, they do sound bad enough and I'm glad you're here. You'll hopefully get lot's of responses and maybe some of that will help.

Sounds to me like you've really had it with your drinking. Why not check out an AA meeting? You don't have to talk, but just to go and listen, maybe someone will say something that helps you, you may even find you like them. Sometimes you might want to check out more than one meeting until you find one you like, if you think that's what you want to do.

Have you considered talking to an addiction therapist? If you have insurance you can probably find one in your network and they might be able to help you too.

Good luck and welcome to SR.

Dee74

Hi and welcome spaul

my advice is try and not compare yourself to others...you know whether it's a problem for you - thats the main thing.

I have mates who drank way more than I did and are still drinking without apparent ill effect - I have other friends who drank the same as I did, or less, and they're no longer with us.

If your drinking is negatively impacting your life/health, it's really time to stop.
It won't get better, but it will probably get a lot worse.

I understand you being scared too - it's a big change to be considering...but you'll always find support and understanding here

D

paul99

Welcome spaul495,

Reading your post shows what I see as the progression of your drinking. I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic or not. But I see a lot of me in you.

I too had a very long stretch of moderate / heavy drinking.

I was a wine guy, but never thought I would get onto vodka. Boy did I ever get into vodka.

Did that too. I didn't think that only alcoholics did this. Doesn't everyone not eat to get that buzz quicker?

Sounds like me - felt powerless over this thing, and no matter what I did, it didn't seem to work.

I felt waves of desperation, then when my ego had some time to rebuild, I thought I was over reacting or didn't think it was that bad.

I never thought I could be an alcoholic. I wasn't living on the streets or anything, I wasn't drinking moonshine under a bridge, and I didn't have any liver disease. There are people out there who really have it bad, so I can't be alcoholic.

Rationalization and justification are many of the tricks of the trade of alcoholism. Go to a meeting. Check it out. Talk to the guys there, tell them you're new. If you're alcoholic, you'll find people that drank like you, felt like you and speak the same language.

What's there to lose?

topspin

Welcome to SR Spaul,

Like Dee mentioned, ....comparing myself to others can be devastating. Ironically, I kept hanging out with guys who drank like I did. That group kept shrinking, as my drinking progressed.

my mind would tell me; ....at least you're not shootin' dope yet . (more comparing)

my only advise is too keep close by ...to SR. This place is diverse, and active enough to offer the support you need to find your way.

Once you figure out whatever method you feel comfortable with, give it your best shot !

I think you have a great opportunity, since you already know you can go without booze for a little while < ref. "hell week" >

joining the Jan 2013 thread might be a good idea.

Glad you showed up here. This place saved my ass

soberlicious

I agree...comparing yourself will just keep you drinking. I did that, and like topspin, I was around others worse than me. That gave me the illusion that I wasn't so bad. What eventually happened though is that I became the worse one. The one that made others look "not so bad" in comparison. You don't want to get to that place.

There are lots of way to end this addiction. Research all your options. I think SR has them listed somewhere? Read around and educate yourself as much as possible. I'm glad you're here. Being addicted to alcohol is an exhausting way to live.

wpainterw

Yes, your problems sound "bad enough" and the odds are that they will get worse unless you get a program going which starts you into recovery. What it takes is the courage to (1) get in touch with a doctor, be completely honest with whoever that is and follow that person's advice, plus (2) see a counselor, and (3) get with a program, like AA or some alternative which will give you the support, encouragement and advice you need. If you do these things and do them one day at a time, or if necessary one hour at a time, then you will be able to get free of this. But it will take guts, sheer determination. And patience. If you are not ready to do this, then you may be ready when things get worse. There are only two alternatives. You can start into recovery or you can get worse. Good luck.

W.

instant

I getvasense you feel trapped. I was tormented for years but still functioning.

There is freedom from the struggle.

MissPotato

Your weekend sounds very similar to the one I just had, full of regrets & a lot of "oh f**k" moments when I remember stuff you wish you hadn't. My boyfriend doesn't drink, never has.... he's not speaking to me or can't even stand to be in the same room as me because he's pissed as hell I spent 3 days drinking & only called him when I needed a lift home.
This new year was supposed to be the year I gave up, but then I told myself I'd only have 1 drink at a time.
I wish I had an off switch or that the alcohol would make me want to vomit so I would want to slow down or stop, but I end up drinking till I pass out.
I spent the past 2 days wishing I was dead, I can't remember ever being this hungover...I feel so short of breath & my heart beat is really strong & fast.
I hope that joining this forum is the first step to our recovery....it's time I finally admit I have a problem...

FeelingGreat

Hi Spaul, from your post I think you know you have a problem and you want to do something about it. You're frightened by your escalating drinking and just as frightened by the thought of the world without alcohol. Been there. When I first brought up the subject of drinking with my GP and he suggested I would have to stop forever, I felt huge resistance within myself. But talking about it with him started a process within me. I read up on alcoholism, found out about the harm it was doing me, calculated the calories, worked out what I was spending, thought about it a lot. When I finally got to the point of stopping it was 'easy' in that although I had cravings and have had lots of times where I wanted to drink socially I was never in danger of relapsing. It's been 42 weeks now.
My long rambling point is, even if sobriety scares you silly at this stage, take advantage of the fact that you are sick of your alcoholic life to do whatever it takes to stop.
You'll be so happy if you succeed.

BruceJ

A better life awaits.
There will always be those around that are "worse" and "better" with drug/alcohol problems than ourselves. Comparing ourselves with them just takes our focus off of the problem that we need to address.
As suggested above....maybe check out a meeting....you will hear differences....ignore them, and listen for the similarities.
I think that you will find that there is always someone around to help....ya just gotta ask.

All the best.

spaul495

Well after seeing what I wrote and some of the responses I am making an appointment with an addictions counseler today. I know I can't do this on my own. Thanks s to all that replied. I will keep this updated if for no other reason than to force myself to do what I know needs to be done.

andisa

Amazing the influence the addictive brain has. It can and will rationalize away any argument you present before it regarding why you should not stop using. There is no end to it, other than to stop listening to it.