Delilah1

Hi Trix,

I still read and post daily, although in the beginning I spent a lot more time on the site. I have connected with a few people that I pm and have become friends with someone else and we text each other back and forth throughout the day. Never would have found them without this site.

I try to post encouragement, and offer suggestions about what I have found to work for me. I remember what it feels like those first few days. I also joined previously under a different username and quickly stopped posting. I then joined again in March, but really never started working on recovery and using SR as a tool until October.

Your posts/responses are going to touch someone, and it might be just what they needed at that time.

Natom

I don't plan on ever leaving the forums. I know I will never be fully recovered. Part of my recovery is helping other people. This forum provides a brilliant platform for being able to share experience and advice. And it works both ways. If I can help one person, and that person can help one person then the atmosphere of recovery grows. I know some people follow programs that follow the 'recovered/cured' principle and that's absolutely fine. If you feel you have recovered then that's great but helping other people go through what you did is part of human nature, and not part of being an addict or alcoholic.

Natom.

TrixMixer

Thanks for all your replies-----What a wonderful community. I am proud to be a part of it.

One question : There is a particular poster that I have really been concerned about. I feel there is a emergency Health issue that needs to be addressed, I have sent a PM to the poster, do you feel I am over reaching the purpose of this forum? I think about them often (not using gender) to protect privacy--actually have lost sleep. Just need to know that poster has seen a doctor!

What to do!

Trix

EnderWiggin

i'm just a humble n00b...but if someone were to worry about me, i'd be pleased as punch to get a PM from them. of course, your mileage may vary.

Received

Trix, I think sending a pm is a great thing. After that, for me, I have to move on unless the member reaches out or responds.

I'm sure you know to be very careful about giving personal information out.

Aside from the above, if your concerns are great maybe pm a moderator?

Pataphor

Fini said "authentic, detached caring"

That's it - spot on.

I think that is what my therapist has been trying to get me to do for years!

I love it!
Its those little insights we have and share that make it all worth while.

Thank you for that gem!

MyTimeNow

I think the Pm-ing thing is a difficult one. One then let it go I think. I've had members PM me that I have never conversed with, infact have not seen them on the boards so have ignored those. I've also gone aol from the boards and come back to some lovely very supportive messages from board friends - always appreciated and would hate to think that I've worried them. Sometimes I've replied only to find them all. Such is the nature I guess.
Grr only have phone to post on... aol and all should read awol!

BackToSquareOne

This is an interesting thread but it speaks more of life and the human condition than anything else. Any of us can look at our past and all the people that have entered and exited our lives. We share a moment in time then move on in different directions, all of these encounters become part of our collection of memories and I think we're all richer for that.

In a very real way it would be impossible to stay in close contact with everyone that has touched our lives so letting go in a healthy manner is something we all have to face. Like ships passing in the night, we will cross paths with many on similar journeys and for that I think we should be greatful.

Dee74

Trix, in all honesty, if you're worrying about another poster so much you're losing sleep you probably need to step back a little.

I know what it's like to want to save someone - I really had to get myself out of that mindset as a newcomer here. I was driving myself crazy.

We can share our experience, offer our advice even...but then we have to let go of the outcome, IMO.

Send your PM by all means...but don't lay too much expectation on it...
leave it in the hands of the person you're worried about (or God if you believe)

D

paul99

Bang on.

I learned very early in my recovery to take my "rescuer" hat off.

vegibean

TrixMixer, I think you know I like you already, but I'm going to throw this out at you, have you ever heard of co-dependency? You should not concern yourself with others, our recovery is an inside job.

I know, I read lot's of posts here of only "1" and we never hear from them again, and they post here wondering what they should do medically, and then "POOF!!!" They're gone. Even if they've posted more than once, they need to be responsible for them.

You are the most important person in your recovery, so you should always come first. I get how you feel, I used to be that way too, but I learned that I need to put myself first, let go of what others are doing, and just focus on me.

Pray for them and hope that they do the right thing and that maybe on the other end they're doing okay.

One of my favorite sayings I've heard which has helped me is "what others think/say about me is none of my business", and I think the same can go of the flip side. If they aren't working a program, then how can I help them? In this situation they need to take the steps, we can just give them all the love and support they ask for in the process.

Please don't lose sleep over other people, if you do from being here, you'll NEVER sleep again!! Lol!!

TheEnd

Over the past 2 1/2 years I have periods of heavy posting and periods of absence. In the beginning I posted a lot and I needed that support. Now I don't necessarily need the support, but have reached a point in my own sobriety where I feel that I have useful advice. Take it or leave it, but I'm still going to post it...LOL... Sometimes you just need a break. As great as this website is, it gets repetitive always talking about recovery like when I used to go to AA meetings, it just got old and that's when I let someone else take over for the time being.

LexieCat

Trix,

I have a good friend who is just on the verge of taking the plunge into permanent sobriety. He called me twice this past weekend, drunk and injured from a scrape he got into (as a result of drinking).

I hooked him up with another guy in recovery who is more qualified than I am to help him, emailed him to tell him that he was in my thoughts and that I hoped he'd keep me posted on how he's making out.

That's it. I'm not calling to check up on him. If I don't hear from him in the next couple of weeks I'll email him, but if he chooses not to reply I'm not losing sleep over it. He knows how and where to find help but I can't do it for him.

One other thing to consider--in addition to wearing yourself out with all the caring and worry, you also may be depriving people of the dignity of making their own decisions. We are all, unless we are incompetent in the legal sense of the word, entitled to live our lives as we see fit. I shouldn't smoke, but I do. I wouldn't appreciate having a friend calling me every day and lecturing me about the dangers of smoking. However much love was behind it, I would resent it and would probably eventually block their number.

Not suggesting you've gone nearly that far, by any means. But just something to bear in mind.

Natom

Ah the role of the rescuer. Every now and again I get a message from someone (not on this site) when they are going through a withdrawal, begging me to help them. To tell them what to do. When they start using again I don't hear from them. Am I supposed to save them...nope. But I can make sure that I answer whatever questions they have and then step back from the situation.

Natom.

WritingFromLife

I worked with the homeless for a while (many are addicts) and I remember someone saying to me "what good are you doing?" And that made a story come to mind--

A man was walking along the beach amongst thousands of starfish that had washed up on the shore. He couldn't possibly throw them all back in the ocean where they would survive, but he would pick up one at a time, and slowly throw it back in the ocean. Making a small dent in the thousands that would remain on the shore to die. A friend asked---how can this matter? You are only saving a few. His reply--It mattered to THAT ONE--as he threw one in the ocean.

My point--there will be lots of starfish left on the beach--folks you don't reach or folks you do reach that go back out. I believe our responsibility is to give in loving detachment, without focusing on the outcome--of which is out of our control completely.

I may never know the effect I am having when I give (pour my heart out, whatever, etc.) I may never know if "it mattered to that one..." ---that's not my job! My job is to give, period.

I hope this isn't too rambling. I admire all of you and your love, passion & willingness to help others. That's what makes this place so awesome.

Cleopatra1

great thread,,
i too have this feeling , that peeps just "vanish",, i miss some of them,, but like many here, visited all day in my early days, and then when i felt better, just stepped back a bit,,
now im nearly 3 mnths sober and , i feel coming here is positive , for me, and i hope i help new peeps
but recently , i feel a negative vibe towards my posts, maybe me being paranoid, some thought i am too cocky in my sobriety and just didnt "get me" , (you cant win em all,,)

,but i just wanna share my story, good or bad in order it may help someone ,,
and got a bit of a bashing for doing so, but hey hoo,,, everyones different.

ive learnt that even if one can touch one person, its better than none,,
so i keep coming here, and i like reading new posts, but i too get disheartened by the loss of a member, i worry bout them, hope they are ok, but beleive they are doing well, and thats why they are not here so much.

trix,, you are a lovey, you care and we need peeps like you here, indeed all over the world,, so keep it up,, keep caring, but dont let it set you back,, you are the one who is important here.
i have made some v v good friends here, in fact one member,, i adore,, (she knows who she is x) and we are close, i love that,, i think we will be in touch for always,, and this is the wonderful thing that comes from a place like this, the sheer diversity of our friends here, its amazing, and if out of the thousands that are here,,we can touch one heart,, then thats , well,,, just fabulous xxx
keep up the good work sr 'rers ,,,you rock xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hugs x cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx