One week today...
Never say never...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston-ish
Posts: 70
One week today...
Good morning all,
Murphy's Mistress here (as in Murphy's Law) I was going to title my "newbie" thread as "One week tomorrow", but I just realized it's Monday here in NE, so it's official, I've made it thru a week!! Yayyy!
After telling myself too many times than I'd like to admit "I'll stop tomorrow" (chronic procrastinator) I finally did it....I know it's not much, but one week feels great to me.
If I were to type my whole story, I'd be typing 'til sometime Thursday, so I'll try to condense it....I'm not real good at that so bear with me or just click the back button, lol ...I won't be offended
I am a twice divorced, now single mom to two great (most of the time) boys...both from my second marriage. I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic father, fully functional since I can remember....still is, in his 70's now.
Married at 20....divorced at 25 (because I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic, HA!!) Married again in '98....to a lazy, compulsive lying, cheating deadbeat....lasted 10 years before I told him to get out. He owes me almost 30 grand in child support, but I wouldn't trade my boys for the world. I take care of them on my own....we don't have much, but that's ok. Lots of people have less. I have my family...that's what's important.
Being broke and alone with 2 babies was the start of my black depression. I didn't drink at all when the kids were small....I ate instead....gained a ton of weight and got more depressed....so I gained some more. When I tipped the scales at about 300 lbs, I just wanted to die....but I couldn't do that to my babies....I went and got help from my doctor....had a gastric bypass and lost almost 200 lbs. I have kept it ALL off for over 7 years (very proud of that).
I then got involved with a married man (my bad) turned out to be the love of my life and he promised me the world....and I believe what he told me... that he felt the same way thru most of the 7 years we were together. When it started to go downhill about 2 years ago....my social drinking started to be more than social. When he left "the relationship" for good....I was inconsolable. He had become my best friend.
I was living in a hellish neighborhood and the financial problems were becoming increasing worse. I lost my job, had scary neighbors trying to break in, harassing me & my kids and causing me to be angry all of the time. I was alone most of the time....thus making me hit the bottle harder (vodka has always been my preference). My kids were not yet exposed to this because I either started after they were asleep or when they spent time at my parents home.
I would occasionally have "drinking buddies" over - men....because who likes be alone, feeling unloved, all of the time. Of course, that made matters worse...again, my bad.
We finally moved out of that sh*thole and got a beautiful apartment....which is where we live now. ...but at that point, I had already jumped off of the top rung of the "social drinker" ladder.
I wanted the move to be a fresh start for me & the kids....nice place, great town, great schools, they made lots of friends quickly and were still close enough to where we were before to stay over my parents and see their old friends as well.
I fell further into the hole.....started dating....thought I would find a nice guy....went out alot.....but I would always come home early and make excuses because I preferred to just drink alone....sometimes I would pour a stiff drink before I even took my coat off..... but I was gonna quit "tomorrow", so it was ok.
I got to a point ...the past 4-6 months...where I was drinking almost a liter of vodka a day....I was pretty good though (sarcasm intended) .... I didn't start 'til after dinner....well, sometimes it would be my appetizer, and my dinner, and my dessert....I'm an insomniac so I would drink 'til I passed out. I never could remember anything so I would rely on my phone and my FB page every morning to see what I had been up to the night before ....then came the apologizing, deleting and avoiding.....lovely.
....but like my dad, I still "functioned"....the kids were on time for school, their clothes were clean, they got their breakfast....they would come home to a happy, showered dressed mom.....homework would be done....then dinner time would roll around. ....and it would start all over again.
I'm an attractive woman....but every day I would see the toll it was taking on my looks as well....I was joking with my best friend today, she's one of the very few people who know how bad I had gotten....I lost all of that weight only to ravage my face with alcohol...."Nice rack!! ....but YIKES, did you see the face attached to it!" We both cracked up, lol....sorry, just maintaining my sense of humor here
Anyway, I have always been a social drinker (started at 13, waaaay too young I know) and really didn't start drinking fairly heavily until about 3 years ago....but my drinking had reached epic proportions over the past 6 months and I came to the realization that I either had to quit...or I would die...bottom line.
Finally, last Sunday night my "tomorrow" came to fruition. While having what I HOPE & PRAY was my FINAL late-night session with Dr. Smirnoff, I did some reading on alcohol withdrawal. OK, I thought (half in the wrapper by then), I can do this. What I went thru last week was the most hellish experience of my life, DT's....soaked with sweat one minute, freezing the next, throwing up blood (I have an ulcer from stress) ...lots of blood. I got to the point where I couldn't even stand up without passing out. The kids were sound asleep, I was all alone it was about midnight when it started. I got myself to bed....up & down, up & down, crazy heart palpitations and shakes....crawling to my bathroom to throw up some more...at one point (around 4am) I was lying on my white-carpeted, bathroom floor, unable to even lift my head let alone my body....thinking to myself...OMG, this is it...my kids are gonna wake up in the morning and find their mom dead in a pool of blood.....I'm sorry to be so graphic (if you've made it this far) ...but I really thought I was gonna die.
Somehow, after laying there for what seemed like forever, I managed to get back to my bed....I fell asleep for a bit and when I woke up again up (at 5), I was dying of thirst. I stupidly thought I could make it to the kitchen...I made it to the edge of the kitchen floor....I blacked out again, fell over the trash barrel & hit the wood floor hard. When I came to, I could not lift myself up....I belly-crawled all the way back to my bedroom... shaking & soaked in sweat. I didn't get my drink of water. (I messed up my knee bad and cracked a rib though...nice.)
I fell back to sleep again....woke up at 6 and tried to call my mother (probably should have called 911!) ...her phone was off. About a half hour later, she turned it on and saw the missed call....I never call her that early so she called me right away thinking something was wrong....it sure was.
She came right over, got the kids breakfast & off to the school bus...then she stayed here for 2 days taking care of me and them. They think I just had the flu. After they were gone, I tried to get to the bathroom again without telling her....went down AGAIN....she came running in & screamed my name...which woke me up. She told me she thought I was dead as my eyes were wide open. She got me back to bed and we both cried.
My mom doesn't drink at all and spent her whole life dealing with my dad....how could I have put her through that and risked leaving my boys without a mother.
That last sentence is what I will never forget...what that felt like....what it would have done to my family. That WILL keep me off of Dr. Smirnoff's couch for the rest of my life. I have faith in that.
I'm so sorry to have rambled on like that....and I left alot out!! lol....but no one has to read it all and it felt good to get it all out....especially to people who are here for the same reason I am....to get better.
If you've made it this far, thank you....and good luck!! I look forward to getting to know you all better.
*sigh* ...I'm still not tired....damn insomnia.
D.
Murphy's Mistress here (as in Murphy's Law) I was going to title my "newbie" thread as "One week tomorrow", but I just realized it's Monday here in NE, so it's official, I've made it thru a week!! Yayyy!
After telling myself too many times than I'd like to admit "I'll stop tomorrow" (chronic procrastinator) I finally did it....I know it's not much, but one week feels great to me.
If I were to type my whole story, I'd be typing 'til sometime Thursday, so I'll try to condense it....I'm not real good at that so bear with me or just click the back button, lol ...I won't be offended
I am a twice divorced, now single mom to two great (most of the time) boys...both from my second marriage. I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic father, fully functional since I can remember....still is, in his 70's now.
Married at 20....divorced at 25 (because I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic, HA!!) Married again in '98....to a lazy, compulsive lying, cheating deadbeat....lasted 10 years before I told him to get out. He owes me almost 30 grand in child support, but I wouldn't trade my boys for the world. I take care of them on my own....we don't have much, but that's ok. Lots of people have less. I have my family...that's what's important.
Being broke and alone with 2 babies was the start of my black depression. I didn't drink at all when the kids were small....I ate instead....gained a ton of weight and got more depressed....so I gained some more. When I tipped the scales at about 300 lbs, I just wanted to die....but I couldn't do that to my babies....I went and got help from my doctor....had a gastric bypass and lost almost 200 lbs. I have kept it ALL off for over 7 years (very proud of that).
I then got involved with a married man (my bad) turned out to be the love of my life and he promised me the world....and I believe what he told me... that he felt the same way thru most of the 7 years we were together. When it started to go downhill about 2 years ago....my social drinking started to be more than social. When he left "the relationship" for good....I was inconsolable. He had become my best friend.
I was living in a hellish neighborhood and the financial problems were becoming increasing worse. I lost my job, had scary neighbors trying to break in, harassing me & my kids and causing me to be angry all of the time. I was alone most of the time....thus making me hit the bottle harder (vodka has always been my preference). My kids were not yet exposed to this because I either started after they were asleep or when they spent time at my parents home.
I would occasionally have "drinking buddies" over - men....because who likes be alone, feeling unloved, all of the time. Of course, that made matters worse...again, my bad.
We finally moved out of that sh*thole and got a beautiful apartment....which is where we live now. ...but at that point, I had already jumped off of the top rung of the "social drinker" ladder.
I wanted the move to be a fresh start for me & the kids....nice place, great town, great schools, they made lots of friends quickly and were still close enough to where we were before to stay over my parents and see their old friends as well.
I fell further into the hole.....started dating....thought I would find a nice guy....went out alot.....but I would always come home early and make excuses because I preferred to just drink alone....sometimes I would pour a stiff drink before I even took my coat off..... but I was gonna quit "tomorrow", so it was ok.
I got to a point ...the past 4-6 months...where I was drinking almost a liter of vodka a day....I was pretty good though (sarcasm intended) .... I didn't start 'til after dinner....well, sometimes it would be my appetizer, and my dinner, and my dessert....I'm an insomniac so I would drink 'til I passed out. I never could remember anything so I would rely on my phone and my FB page every morning to see what I had been up to the night before ....then came the apologizing, deleting and avoiding.....lovely.
....but like my dad, I still "functioned"....the kids were on time for school, their clothes were clean, they got their breakfast....they would come home to a happy, showered dressed mom.....homework would be done....then dinner time would roll around. ....and it would start all over again.
I'm an attractive woman....but every day I would see the toll it was taking on my looks as well....I was joking with my best friend today, she's one of the very few people who know how bad I had gotten....I lost all of that weight only to ravage my face with alcohol...."Nice rack!! ....but YIKES, did you see the face attached to it!" We both cracked up, lol....sorry, just maintaining my sense of humor here
Anyway, I have always been a social drinker (started at 13, waaaay too young I know) and really didn't start drinking fairly heavily until about 3 years ago....but my drinking had reached epic proportions over the past 6 months and I came to the realization that I either had to quit...or I would die...bottom line.
Finally, last Sunday night my "tomorrow" came to fruition. While having what I HOPE & PRAY was my FINAL late-night session with Dr. Smirnoff, I did some reading on alcohol withdrawal. OK, I thought (half in the wrapper by then), I can do this. What I went thru last week was the most hellish experience of my life, DT's....soaked with sweat one minute, freezing the next, throwing up blood (I have an ulcer from stress) ...lots of blood. I got to the point where I couldn't even stand up without passing out. The kids were sound asleep, I was all alone it was about midnight when it started. I got myself to bed....up & down, up & down, crazy heart palpitations and shakes....crawling to my bathroom to throw up some more...at one point (around 4am) I was lying on my white-carpeted, bathroom floor, unable to even lift my head let alone my body....thinking to myself...OMG, this is it...my kids are gonna wake up in the morning and find their mom dead in a pool of blood.....I'm sorry to be so graphic (if you've made it this far) ...but I really thought I was gonna die.
Somehow, after laying there for what seemed like forever, I managed to get back to my bed....I fell asleep for a bit and when I woke up again up (at 5), I was dying of thirst. I stupidly thought I could make it to the kitchen...I made it to the edge of the kitchen floor....I blacked out again, fell over the trash barrel & hit the wood floor hard. When I came to, I could not lift myself up....I belly-crawled all the way back to my bedroom... shaking & soaked in sweat. I didn't get my drink of water. (I messed up my knee bad and cracked a rib though...nice.)
I fell back to sleep again....woke up at 6 and tried to call my mother (probably should have called 911!) ...her phone was off. About a half hour later, she turned it on and saw the missed call....I never call her that early so she called me right away thinking something was wrong....it sure was.
She came right over, got the kids breakfast & off to the school bus...then she stayed here for 2 days taking care of me and them. They think I just had the flu. After they were gone, I tried to get to the bathroom again without telling her....went down AGAIN....she came running in & screamed my name...which woke me up. She told me she thought I was dead as my eyes were wide open. She got me back to bed and we both cried.
My mom doesn't drink at all and spent her whole life dealing with my dad....how could I have put her through that and risked leaving my boys without a mother.
That last sentence is what I will never forget...what that felt like....what it would have done to my family. That WILL keep me off of Dr. Smirnoff's couch for the rest of my life. I have faith in that.
I'm so sorry to have rambled on like that....and I left alot out!! lol....but no one has to read it all and it felt good to get it all out....especially to people who are here for the same reason I am....to get better.
If you've made it this far, thank you....and good luck!! I look forward to getting to know you all better.
*sigh* ...I'm still not tired....damn insomnia.
D.
to the family! Congrats on your first week sober! 
Here's to many more sober days.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Murphy's,
I suffer from insomnia too so i actually read your whole post haha. I have had similar withdrawal experiences; worst moments of my life. Glad you have recognized you have a problem with alcohol. Let's hope for sleep soon!
I suffer from insomnia too so i actually read your whole post haha. I have had similar withdrawal experiences; worst moments of my life. Glad you have recognized you have a problem with alcohol. Let's hope for sleep soon!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Memphis
Posts: 4
Your story sounds a lot like mine, with the men and the kids and the financial stress. The only difference is where you had the alcohol as a problem, mine is drugs. Illegal drugs and I risked everything to do them. My health, which was steadily going downhill, to my job and, most importantly, my kids. And I am all they have. 8 days without today and I hope I am done forever.
Never say never...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston-ish
Posts: 70
Thanks TM.....Oh I more than dabbled in those too. I never really felt I had a problem with that. I didn't really seek them out (well, sometimes), but if they were "around", I was on board....only when I was drinking tho. Coke, was always more of a "take it or leave it" with me.
I had a long-term boyfriend inbetween my two marriages, almost 7 years. We had planned to get married. We did quite a bit of that but when I decided to grow up and knock it off, he went in the other direction and started smoking it. I did everything I could to help him and then ultimately HAD to cut him loose. I kept track of him thru his family....heard he had cleaned up his act and was doing well. I was happy for him....then he had some kind of a relapse. He hung himself on the weekend of my 40th birthday. I think about him often. He was a good guy with a bad problem.
Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk or need a shoulder
I had a long-term boyfriend inbetween my two marriages, almost 7 years. We had planned to get married. We did quite a bit of that but when I decided to grow up and knock it off, he went in the other direction and started smoking it. I did everything I could to help him and then ultimately HAD to cut him loose. I kept track of him thru his family....heard he had cleaned up his act and was doing well. I was happy for him....then he had some kind of a relapse. He hung himself on the weekend of my 40th birthday. I think about him often. He was a good guy with a bad problem.
Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk or need a shoulder
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Murphys, thanks for sharing all of that. I relate to the X, I had a horrible one, and he still haunts and daunts me to this day.
As for the insomnia, I bet after another week you'll be sleeping like a log. You're almost there, keep it up, keep coming back, keep posting... Congrats on your one week!
As for the insomnia, I bet after another week you'll be sleeping like a log. You're almost there, keep it up, keep coming back, keep posting... Congrats on your one week!
Never say never...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston-ish
Posts: 70
Thanks you guys, I really appreciate the kind words and the support 
Funny, I had a half bottle of vodka in my cabinet when I decided it was time to quit on Sunday....I dumped it down the drain a few days ago and the bottle was sitting in the recycle thingy in my kitchen. I had to bring it down to the chute earlier today....not because it was tempting me...just seeing it was making me sick *gag*
Vegi, I didn't sleep at all last night...layed down finally at 6:15 only to get back up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school. Hopefully, sheer exhaustion will tuck me in for some needed rest tonight!
I think I might put together an album of my photography on here tonight....give me something to do. I miss going out on my little photo shoots, really looking forward to getting back into that again ...looking forward to getting back into MY LIFE again!
Funny, I had a half bottle of vodka in my cabinet when I decided it was time to quit on Sunday....I dumped it down the drain a few days ago and the bottle was sitting in the recycle thingy in my kitchen. I had to bring it down to the chute earlier today....not because it was tempting me...just seeing it was making me sick *gag*
Vegi, I didn't sleep at all last night...layed down finally at 6:15 only to get back up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school. Hopefully, sheer exhaustion will tuck me in for some needed rest tonight!
I think I might put together an album of my photography on here tonight....give me something to do. I miss going out on my little photo shoots, really looking forward to getting back into that again ...looking forward to getting back into MY LIFE again!
Never say never...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston-ish
Posts: 70
God....I have been having the weirdest, most vivid dreams for the past week....some nightmares, some just ominous. I'm lucky if I sleep for longer than a 1/2 hour at a time but the dreams seem to last hours....and they are in full-blown technicolor!
...and this restless leg syndrome is making me nuts, especially with the nice knee injury I sustained when I blacked out on the kitchen floor during my 'detox from Hell' night last Thursday....ouch!
...and this restless leg syndrome is making me nuts, especially with the nice knee injury I sustained when I blacked out on the kitchen floor during my 'detox from Hell' night last Thursday....ouch!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
You know, that's what I wait for too sometimes, for my body to just go "I'm done", and that's it, lights out!
Well sorry you didn't get any sleep, but seriously, it's coming I promise and you'll wake up the next day feeling renewed. I remember the first time I got sober, everyone in the AA meetings told me the same thing, and they were right, about a week or so into it, I was laying on the couch watching TV, and when I work up the sun was shining. I just drifted off to sleep, it was AWESOME!!!
Keep it up Murphys. Hope you sleep well. and 
Well sorry you didn't get any sleep, but seriously, it's coming I promise and you'll wake up the next day feeling renewed. I remember the first time I got sober, everyone in the AA meetings told me the same thing, and they were right, about a week or so into it, I was laying on the couch watching TV, and when I work up the sun was shining. I just drifted off to sleep, it was AWESOME!!!
Keep it up Murphys. Hope you sleep well.
and SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi MurphysMistress!
I'm really grateful to be sober tonight, after reading your intro.... whew! So glad you're getting sober for good. I had a similar moment to yours where I saw in a very clear way for the first time what my family would have to go through if I kept drinking. I guess they call it a "moment of clarity".....
All I know is I never want to drink again, and I hear you saying the same thing. Things really will get better - you have lots to look forward to. Hope the insomnia starts receding soon (in the meantime, it helps just to rest).
Glad you're here!
I'm really grateful to be sober tonight, after reading your intro.... whew! So glad you're getting sober for good. I had a similar moment to yours where I saw in a very clear way for the first time what my family would have to go through if I kept drinking. I guess they call it a "moment of clarity".....
All I know is I never want to drink again, and I hear you saying the same thing. Things really will get better - you have lots to look forward to. Hope the insomnia starts receding soon (in the meantime, it helps just to rest).
Glad you're here!
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