HereIAm321

Huge fight on way to AirPort with sister. Apparently i always blame everyone else for my problems. She's right. I have so much shame and I hate myself so much. Am I even worth it.

I give up. I'll make it thru this but I'll never have family again. Or friends. I can't stand being around myself. I had to pull over to vomit everywhere because I hate what I've done so much. I hate myself. Why do I deserve anything. **** it. I can't even breathe right now.

LexieCat

You are worth it, trust me.

I'm sorry you had a fight with your sister. It takes time for family relationships to heal. They don't instantly get better (and neither do we) the minute we stop drinking.

Maybe now that the chaos of the wedding has settled down you can focus on making your life look the way you want it to look.

I forget, have you tried getting to an AA meeting? I found a lot of warm acceptance for me, as messy as I was when I came into the rooms, when I first started. Please think about it. Your sister and family members don't understand what you are going through right now, but the people in the rooms of AA most definitely do.

escapist

I have a brother. A little brother although he is 47 now. He motivates me sometimes and picks on me too. I just want to slap him.

vegibean

Yep, you are worth it HereIAm, hopefully you're on your way back to SD and can just relax for the rest of the day?? :ghug3

artsoul

It was hard for me to deal with any kind of stress in the first weeks of sobriety. It might be a good idea to lay low and let things go as much as possible, or as AA says "keep it simple."

You're doing good.... just try to stay in today and be patient with yourself.:ghug3

LDT

H.I.A....Trust us....you will have family and friends and love and peace and health and happiness in abundance! You've just GOT to hang in there and go easy. It will all come together. Just stay sober, be honest, be patient, and slowly repair your life. You are worthy and it will come.

We are living proof.

HereIAm321

The only thing that's stopping me from driving my car off the freeway and ending it all is that I know my family would hurt even more from that. If that's even possible.

I sure as **** do not want to be alive right now. Ever.

I haven't felt this strongly about offing myself in years. Why bother living? I've already Hurt people enough.

Wastinglife

Sounds like you are having a bit of an anxiety attack. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk and distract yourself. See how you feel in 15 mins. I know that feeling where the walls are closing in and you're the 'worst' person in the world. It's just a moment that will pass!

artsoul

We all have regrets, we've all done wrong things while drinking/using, but that doesn't mean that WE are wrong. When you're in the grip of this illness, your choices are taken away.

The future can be different if we want it to be. It's not going to happen overnight, though. We're used to that instant fix, and now we have to let things unfold at their own pace. Thinking will only make it worse. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other, staying in the moment - things really will get better.:ghug3

LexieCat

Maybe you should pull over the car for a few minutes. Stop and get something to eat.

If you still feel like hurting yourself, call the suicide hotline. I mean it. You are reaching out to us, which is very very good, but none of us are professionals, and we can't give you the kind of help you might need.

Hugs, we care about you very much.

HereIAm321

http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-reha...e-in-recovery/

WHY IS ANY DRUG LEGAL.

Muslim countries at least got it right with banning alcohol and drugs.

HereIAm321

Don't think my sister thinks it's an illness. Just my fault. Even though she's an MD. Even though our mom taught us it's a disease.

HereIAm321

I just took my sister to the airport, haven't left for home yet.

HereIAm321

Damaged goods.

LexieCat

Damage can be repaired.

Trust me, we were ALL damaged goods when we got sober.

FlowersJasmine

You need to relax , getting off drink comes with a number of challenges that can be overcome with time.

artsoul

You have to stop telling yourself these things. A lot of our misery comes not from what's happening around us or other people, but from what we believe about ourselves. Negative thinking can take on a life of it's own, and run our lives if we let it.

It takes practice, but you can change your life by challenging your thoughts. You don't have to buy the "damaged goods" story hook, line and sinker. Pick another thought.......

wellwisher

Stop...

Breathe.....

Slow Down.....

Don't let words said in the heat of the moment tear you up inside. We've all said words when lashing out in anger that we wish we could take back, and it is probably true for your sister, as well as you. Don't give those words power by letting them stick in your craw and fester. Siblings don't filter their words very well and in my experience, we know each other so well and can aim our barbs at each other's achilles tendons with perfection. It was probably true that your mutual intent in the heat of the moment was to get a good shot off to each other, because both were angry.

I thought my family hated me when I was drinking, and it carried over into my early sobriety. I also carried around a lot of shame over what I've done in the past, and at how I've hurt them, and my stomach would wretch or I'd get this anxiety if someone came within a few feet of my jangled nerves. The solution lies in putting down the drink, for good, and living each day without the fog of alcohol, and focusing on changing things for the better. What I found was the people didn't hate me; they didn't like my behavior.

Stay the course. Don't drink. Calm down. Love yourself and your sister, and get past the anger. This too shall pass. Live in the solution.

chainsaw4618

Yo Here, I'm really sorry you've hit a rough patch. Your posts are hard to read, your pain comes through so strongly. I've never admitted this to anyone but myself, but I hate myself also. Maybe "hate" is too strong a word. I guess I really just LOATHE myself. In any case, I'm coming to realize that I need to confront this, and I can likely only do that sober. It may take some period of sobriety before I can make inroads here, but that is where I'm at. Since you're here, you are likely going for some sober time. That may be intensifying the trouble you are feeling now. I know that in a time like this it's really hard to step back and think/act logically. Your reaction surely has something to do with your attempts at sobriety. Your BigBrain is whipping you into a frenzy. TRY to back off and take a breath. This will probably pass in the level of severity you are feeling now, and you'll be better able to deal. Have you any friend(s) you could call (preferably non-drinkers)? I live with 5 cats and a duck, and I rarely speak with anyone, so I understand if you don't have access to anyone else. At a time like this I think it could be helpful making contact with someone else, maybe just to talk about tuning up your car, or the super bowl, or knitting knots! Please keep posting and reading. I bet a bunch of us here are truly pulling for you.

ru12

Hey, take it easy on yourself. Show yourself at least the same compassion you would give to a suffering stranger.

We are all flawed. It is just part of the human condition.

I think it was quite brave taking your sister to the airport knowing how she would probably treat you. I'm not as kind as you as I would probably have let her find her own ride. I try to distance negative people from my life.

Remember that feelings and emotions change and pass. You are a being of worth and you are of value. I don't know a thing about you but you moved me to respond to you. And I am better for it as I need to take the same advice I've just given.

I wish you peace