NotSoIvory

Today is day 4. I had a really good last day and a half. I was almost feeling like somewhat of a normal person. I've been accomplishing little things here ad there. My husband came by (It's 10 years today since we met.) and I was feeling pretty on top of the world, but he had to go back to work. I didn't even feel like going to a meeting since I was feeling pretty good and confident, but I decided that I should go anyway. If I keep putting it off, I will never go.
So, I got all determined... I got on my bike, since I don't have a car, and headed out to the nearest meeting, which is a couple miles away. I realized I didn't have a light on my bike, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. So, I set off in the dark, stopped at the nearest Target, and bought one. Well this made me a bit late, about 25 minutes. But I was determined to attend anyway.
I walked in and akwardly took a seat. 2 people shared very briefly, and then they decided it was time for a "coffee" break (actually a smoke break, since nobody had any coffee..) I sat there, feeling akward. Nobody welcomed me at all. People came and started having a conversation with each other, reaching over my head to shake hands, as if I wasn't there. I got up and it was as if they were glad I was gone because they immediately just used the chair I was sitting on to lean on. I was really disappointed with how unwelcoming they were. I went outside, past the mass of people standing around smoking. Some lady from the meeting was ranting and yelling about how the other guy did something to her car. I unlocked my bike and rode off.
Now I am craving a drink and a cigarette, but I didn't even want it earlier. I am angry and disappointed. I had tried these meetings a couple years ago during my last attempt, and everyone was so warm and welcoming. Nobody is the same and the attitude seems completely different.

Coldfusion

Please stay here at SR and vent and don't go for a drink!

coraltint

yes, stay here with us, maybe hit the chatroom. all meetings are different, sounds like you ran into a dud. I've found that far more of them are like the ones you tried a while back. so I hope you'll give a different meeting a try, until then.....congrats on 4 days!!

Joe Nerv

First thing I'd say is try another meeting before writing it off completely.

People can be awkward in AA just as they can be anywhere else. I've had this happen to me too, but it doesn't make the people who are not entirely welcoming bad people. They may just have temporarily had their heads up their arses. I wish it weren't like this, and people were always welcoming to the newcomer, but it is what it is.

The other thing is that it may serve you to get there earlier and let people know you're new to the group. Getting there before the meeting starts is often a better time to meet people, and if you can share during the meeting that you're new, I can almost guarantee your experience will be much different. If not, as I already said... try other meetings. Took me about 6 months until I was comfortable in AA. I stuck around because at that time I had no other choice. I can't even begin to tell you how unfathomably happy I am that I did.

Bigndfan175

what Joe said is spot on. I can say I've never been to a meeting where someone didn't take the initiative and introduce themselves to me or vice versa; but don't let that get you down, find the next meeting. Call the local intergroup and ask for meeting spots close to your home.

Itchy

I agree, hang with us here and go to a bunch of meetings until you find a great group for you. I hated the first meeting I ever went to and swore never again. Then the folks here told me that every meeting is very different. Keep trying. I did and found a wonderful home group to help me stay sober in early sobriety for the first three months. Now I only use SR and stick around here to pass along some of the support that helped me to recover.

choublak

Well. At least you weren't whoever she was yelling about.

Coldfusion

Not all nights are good, and not all meetings are the same.

My introduction to AA and NA was in detox. Different groups of volunteers from different meetings would come to the facility. I saw big differences among the groups, and realized that while it was all the same program it came in slightly different presentations.

At home I do not have the option of picking and choosing my meetings. But I realize that if this is the community I want to live in, this is the community I must recover with.

Is there a women-only meeting you could try?

shoreladylu

Sorry you had a bad night. That meeting just wasn't the right one for you. Don't give in to the urge! Think of how you'll feel tomorrow! Are there any other meetings near you? You did the right thing coming to SR to vent. Stay here and read for a while. It's a good distraction.

choublak

Try not to take their "unwelcoming" behavior too personally. It could be that the people shaking hands over your head, etc, have known each other for a long time. It happens in big groups.

courage2

Welcome to SR & congratulations on 4 days!

I'm also pretty new (39 days), but I've been to meetings at about 6 different places now and in terms of social norms, they're pretty similar: unless I go with someone else who introduces me to people, or there's someone there whom I've met before, no one bothers me unless I make the first overture. In other words, if I've shared my name & day count (or, rarely, something more) people will come up to me after the meeting & talk or offer their numbers. If I keep to myself, no one talks to me. I usually arrive a few minutes early & there's more socializing then, or if I help to clean up after.

Personally, I really appreciate it that people give me my space. I'd be careful about judging based on one experience in early days -- I don't know about you, but as for me, my perceptions are still pretty distorted.

Lorax1981

Hi Notso
Sorry you didn't feel more welcomed at the meeting. I'd give it another try and if you're up for it introduce yourself. That will break the ice. If you don't feel more welcome next time try a different meeting. But the important thing is that you made it 4 days. Take it nice and easy and allow yourself all the room you need to stay sober. I know how tough it is in the first days and weeks. You are doing great. Keep up the good work.

Dave42001

Like the other people said, try another group or try to go a little early.. I've never seen this and people come in late all the time.. You should always feel welcome.. If you're only a few miles away I'd try to go at a different time of the day... We have 4 meeting a day at my closest location, I've been all times and the people always differ.. Please give it another shot.. If it happens again I would talk to the person chairing the meeting afterwards and let them know your thoughts..

peanut44

I agree with everyone else. There are good meetings and not so good meetings. Definitely give it another try.

I had about 3 that I went to and one of em was pure drama but the other 2 were worth it.

miamifella

Meetings are no different than other groups in other parts of life. And because so many people come and go through the rooms, it takes time before people become "welcoming." After they are used to seeing your face around a few more times, they are likely to be more open.

Dave42001

I also wanted to say congratulations on your 4 days!! That's huge! Keep up the good work!

sugarbear1

Keep going to different meetings, but don't write that one off just yet. Maybe try again. Get there a little early and talk with other people. Sometimes we need to reach out to others as we only have control over our own selves. Today, lots of people come once and don't return, maybe there's a side to this you aren't seeing...just saying....

Be proud of you for going!!!!!! That is difficult enough!

NotSoIvory

Thank you everyone. It really does make a difference to me being able to come here and see everyone's advice and that such an abundance of people care.
It helps me to be able to share, but I am pretty shy (sober) in my daily life, so this helps me a lot. I have been reading a lot of the posts too.
There is 1 meeting a day available to me within riding distance. I will try the women's meeting on Mondays. On the other days, I will come here and read or post as I have been so far..

hamabi

What you described sounds like a weak group to me.

I'd look for a stronger one where people are interested and active in helping the newcomer. There is where you'll find out how an alcoholic can stay sober without living out an argument with themself over drinking or not.

And if you misinterpret something important they can explain things, so you better understand and don't remain confused and possibly become upset.

wpainterw

I remember once when I had been asked to chair a meeting and when I was halfway through my introduction which took about fifteen minutes, a woman who claimed that she had twenty years of sobriety and who was sitting down at the end of the table, said, "I didn't come here to hear all this stuff from you! I came to hear what all the others have to say." I was so upset that I nearly walked out of the meeting right then and there. I said nothing else. Interestingly, that woman never showed up again. I wonder what happened to her. She seemed so arrogant and self obsessed.
I kept going back to that meeting for years and years. It helped me a lot and I always got along fine with the rest of the folks there.It was an agnostics meeting, although I'm not a card carrying agnostic or atheist. The only time I almost walked out again on that meeting was right before Christmas when they were making fun of the Virgin Mary and saying that it was all just a cover up so Joseph wouldn't know that she was having an affair with another man. I said that I didn't see what that had to do with sobriety. I still don't see.
Anyway, the bottom line for me is that there are good meetings and bad meetings. even for the best well intentioned groups. Don't get turned off by one or two bad experiences. If you do, watch out. It may just be that beastly voice inside your brain trying to trick you out of sobriety.

W.