reluctant
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5
reluctant
Hello I am new here.
I am really struggling with the fear of going to a f2f meeting.
I am a little nervous about exposing myself, but I can deal with that. What I think I am really scared about is the committment to never drink again. I so badly do not want to never be able to have a drink again.
I sometimes feel this strength that I can drink normally again. I havent yet, but what if. What if I could figure this out.
I quit drugs 10 years ago (and counting). I do not want to give up another thing.
I am sure its my brain slowly forgetting the bad times. But I need to make a decision on if I am all in, or going to try social drinking again.
Deep down I know the answer, I am just scared to admit it. I never worked the steps 10 years ago. I just made the commitment and held my ground.
Now I see that cross addiction is alive and well. I suspect I will continue to be back here until I deal with a few things.
For what its worth I am 12 days sober. Which is the longest Ive been sober in over a decade. I guess im debating this in my head from the other side of the fence this time. With clearer glasses.
One thing I know, I will never ever win a debate in my head.
One thing I just resently realized. I have never craved a drink. I only crave getting drunk. I would truly rather have 7 beers on sunday than 1 beer a day.
Thanks for being my sounding board.
I am really struggling with the fear of going to a f2f meeting.
I am a little nervous about exposing myself, but I can deal with that. What I think I am really scared about is the committment to never drink again. I so badly do not want to never be able to have a drink again.
I sometimes feel this strength that I can drink normally again. I havent yet, but what if. What if I could figure this out.
I quit drugs 10 years ago (and counting). I do not want to give up another thing.
I am sure its my brain slowly forgetting the bad times. But I need to make a decision on if I am all in, or going to try social drinking again.
Deep down I know the answer, I am just scared to admit it. I never worked the steps 10 years ago. I just made the commitment and held my ground.
Now I see that cross addiction is alive and well. I suspect I will continue to be back here until I deal with a few things.
For what its worth I am 12 days sober. Which is the longest Ive been sober in over a decade. I guess im debating this in my head from the other side of the fence this time. With clearer glasses.
One thing I know, I will never ever win a debate in my head.
One thing I just resently realized. I have never craved a drink. I only crave getting drunk. I would truly rather have 7 beers on sunday than 1 beer a day.
Thanks for being my sounding board.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
to the family! I understand how hard it can be to stop drinking. I failed at it more times than I'd like to remember. But eventually I just got sick and tired of always being sick and tired and quit for good. That was three years now and my life is better than ever.
Give it a try. I don't miss drinking one bit and I love my sober life! Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
Your post sticks out to me because I can really relate to what you are going through.
I remember day 12 because it was probably the first time I raised my hand at a meeting - although I had been going daily, sometimes twice a day. Until then, although I had heard many stories that reminded me of myself, I certainly didn't think that I could be one of "them." I had already sworn a secret inner oath that I would never refer to myself as an "alcoholic." Something on day 12 made me stick my hand up in the air when they asked if there were any newcomers that wanted to introduce themselves - and there I was teary-eyed, voice cracking, not really wanting to be there but glad I was at the same time.
But it isn't the 12 days that resonates with me - it is the "reluctant." Although I went to more than 90 meetings in 90 days, I hated it every time I thought I was going to have to talk - because I didn't want to introduce myself as an "alcoholic." One day it was a round-robin format, and it was my turn. Nowhere to hide. I blurted out that I was a "reluctant alcoholic." I wasn't trying to be a wise guy or clever - it just came out of me that way.
For me that word (which I still don't like) was so hard to say, not only because of the negative images it conjures up, but because saying it was part of the long process of really admitting to myself that I had a problem with alcohol and that I was going to have to give it up for good.
It was ridiculous that I still associated alcohol with good times, with so many events, people, places. I say ridiculous because I had hit a terrible bottom in my last black-out drunk that cost me nearly everything. But how could I possibly admit to myself that I could never drink again? Again I swore a secret inner oath that after 30 days I could go back to just drinking "sometimes." After 30 days I changed my oath to after 90 - I mean, if I could go 90 days that would be further proof that I wasn't "dependent" on alcohol, right?
A funny thing happened to me along the way. I kept going to meetings, but just as importantly I think I kept reading about alcoholism and addiction, and I kept deeply reflecting about my own history with alcohol, and the way I really wanted to drink. I, like yourself, came to realize that I didn't want one or two drinks (had I drank that way in my life, sure, many, many times - but that wasn't the way I was drinking in the end, nor was it the way I really wanted to be able to drink). My promise to myself to allow myself to drink again faded away, replaced by a fear that I would pick up a drink and be back in that terrible place, later replaced by an amazing feeling of freedom, with the realization that I don't have to drink - ever again.
I believe your fear of never being able to drink again is a lie, call it your disease, your addictive voice, your lizard brain. It is a part of you that doesn't want you to let go of alcohol, not because you need it to enjoy life, not because it wants you to be happy, but simply because your body and brain want alcohol. In my experience, that fear fades with sober living.
I know saying never can be overwhelming. For now make a decision not to drink today. You will not be able to rid yourself of that fear if you indulge it, even just "sometimes."
Get a clear, sober head and you will feel differently. I wish you the best.
I remember day 12 because it was probably the first time I raised my hand at a meeting - although I had been going daily, sometimes twice a day. Until then, although I had heard many stories that reminded me of myself, I certainly didn't think that I could be one of "them." I had already sworn a secret inner oath that I would never refer to myself as an "alcoholic." Something on day 12 made me stick my hand up in the air when they asked if there were any newcomers that wanted to introduce themselves - and there I was teary-eyed, voice cracking, not really wanting to be there but glad I was at the same time.
But it isn't the 12 days that resonates with me - it is the "reluctant." Although I went to more than 90 meetings in 90 days, I hated it every time I thought I was going to have to talk - because I didn't want to introduce myself as an "alcoholic." One day it was a round-robin format, and it was my turn. Nowhere to hide. I blurted out that I was a "reluctant alcoholic." I wasn't trying to be a wise guy or clever - it just came out of me that way.
For me that word (which I still don't like) was so hard to say, not only because of the negative images it conjures up, but because saying it was part of the long process of really admitting to myself that I had a problem with alcohol and that I was going to have to give it up for good.
It was ridiculous that I still associated alcohol with good times, with so many events, people, places. I say ridiculous because I had hit a terrible bottom in my last black-out drunk that cost me nearly everything. But how could I possibly admit to myself that I could never drink again? Again I swore a secret inner oath that after 30 days I could go back to just drinking "sometimes." After 30 days I changed my oath to after 90 - I mean, if I could go 90 days that would be further proof that I wasn't "dependent" on alcohol, right?
A funny thing happened to me along the way. I kept going to meetings, but just as importantly I think I kept reading about alcoholism and addiction, and I kept deeply reflecting about my own history with alcohol, and the way I really wanted to drink. I, like yourself, came to realize that I didn't want one or two drinks (had I drank that way in my life, sure, many, many times - but that wasn't the way I was drinking in the end, nor was it the way I really wanted to be able to drink). My promise to myself to allow myself to drink again faded away, replaced by a fear that I would pick up a drink and be back in that terrible place, later replaced by an amazing feeling of freedom, with the realization that I don't have to drink - ever again.
I believe your fear of never being able to drink again is a lie, call it your disease, your addictive voice, your lizard brain. It is a part of you that doesn't want you to let go of alcohol, not because you need it to enjoy life, not because it wants you to be happy, but simply because your body and brain want alcohol. In my experience, that fear fades with sober living.
I know saying never can be overwhelming. For now make a decision not to drink today. You will not be able to rid yourself of that fear if you indulge it, even just "sometimes."
Get a clear, sober head and you will feel differently. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Tennessee... The mountainous side.
Posts: 157
thanks...
Originally Posted by zeroptzero 
Your post sticks out to me because I can really relate to what you are going through. A funny thing happened to me along the way..... My promise to myself to allow myself to drink again faded away, replaced by a fear that I would pick up a drink and be back in that terrible place, later replaced by an amazing feeling of freedom, with the realization that I don't have to drink - ever again....
Get a clear, sober head and you will feel differently. I wish you the best.
Get a clear, sober head and you will feel differently. I wish you the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know that if I left myself some wiggle room for "maybe someday" the thought of "when" would be torturing me.
And, as someone who tried very hard for four and a half years to drink moderately, not drinking at all is much easier. One drink (or even two) never satisfied me, either.
And, as someone who tried very hard for four and a half years to drink moderately, not drinking at all is much easier. One drink (or even two) never satisfied me, either.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
oh this is why i kept on drinking, i just wanted to drink normal, wanted to be able to ddrink when I wanted, a "lifetime" OMG that is so long.
but eventually it had control not me. thats when i thought, " alifetime of cancer wouldnt be good, i wouldnt wanted that either, so something has to go."
It took alot of fight but i believe i am winning the battle
but eventually it had control not me. thats when i thought, " alifetime of cancer wouldnt be good, i wouldnt wanted that either, so something has to go."
It took alot of fight but i believe i am winning the battle
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
For a very long time I was able to accept the fact that I could never drink normally. Then I just worried about staying sober today. So far that has worked for me because I do not have to worry about never drinking again.
Today I accept the fact I can never drink but it took a while.
Today I accept the fact I can never drink but it took a while.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Atomic, I understand where you are coming from. I am also still battling this at times, when the addictive voice starts speaking up. I have had many fun times drinking, I love good wine...this can make it frustrating at times to think I'll never indulge again. There's another side to that coin, however, that keeps me in check: hangovers, inconsistent job performance, feeling worthless, being unhealthy, making a fool of myself. For me, it comes down to taking care of myself over "having fun" with my "friends". One thing I know for sure is that the only person who is going to make sure I'm okay and that I get to where I need to be in life is me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone.
Day 13. I am starting to realize that I should be more worried about drinking again, not NEVER being able to drink again.
I am closer than ever to going to f2f. Time to point my feet, get moving and stop thinking.
Day 13. I am starting to realize that I should be more worried about drinking again, not NEVER being able to drink again.
I am closer than ever to going to f2f. Time to point my feet, get moving and stop thinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
12 days sober is wonderful, atomic.
I didn't want to give it up all together, either. So I spent decades trying to manage it. Once the first drink went down, any resolve I had was gone. Willpower never kept me from getting drunk and doing stupid & dangerous things. I'm glad you are considering giving it up for good - you won't waste all the precious years that many of us did.
I didn't want to give it up all together, either. So I spent decades trying to manage it. Once the first drink went down, any resolve I had was gone. Willpower never kept me from getting drunk and doing stupid & dangerous things. I'm glad you are considering giving it up for good - you won't waste all the precious years that many of us did.
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