FetaCheese

I have been dealing with alcoholism since I was a teen so about 10 years... I sought out help last year when I was living with my parents and went to AA. I was also posting on this site time to time and feeling good about quitting. I could only manage to quit for a few months at a time when I was in a haze of feeling strong and confident and focused on being healthy, and then a social event would come up or whatever and I would convince myself I can have just a few drinks and be ok. I moved away from home for a full time job last year and with the stressful nature of the job I have started drinking a lot of wine and vodka to get myself through the nights. Sometimes I call people I havent talked to in a long time and get in arguments over the phone or through texts while I am drunk, then the next day wonder why I bothered contacting these people. I have developed a weak bladder (sometimes I am up all night from it). I have a lot of anxiety and stress. I find my job really stressful. I am also stressed because I find it realy hard to date, I feel like I have so many secrets bottled inside of me. When guys see the real me, I lose them. I can't keep a relationship going even though I think I am a very nice girl and then that makes me go back to drinking even more. I have no self confidence anymore and I am really depressed. Drinking is my only way out. I don't know why I manage to quit and be healthy for a while (I also smoke when I drink, and I have quit smoking dozens of times only to go back to it). I am smoking again after I had quit for about 3-4 months and now I am back to drinking too. I am at a loss. I know I need to see a doctor but I work so much, and I am afraid of seeing one because I hav a high profile job and I don't want anybody to know I am suffering from all this. I keep making excuses to get help. When I get help it doesnt do much, I have no discipline. Feels like I am in a black hole that is impossible to get out of. I hate being so alone trying to get through this andwish I had somebody who cared about me. I feel like such a failure.

LexieCat

Hey, what a coincidence! I felt EXACTLY the same way at the end of my drinking.

Here's the good news--feeling that way was EXACTLY what I needed to convince myself that there were NO more options. It was get sober or have an incredibly bleak and hopeless future.

Just so you know--I dealt with stress and anxiety on a daily basis. It went away when I got sober. I felt worthless and like a fake on a daily basis. It went away when I got sober. I felt like I had completely forgotten how to be happy. That came back when I got sober.

See a pattern, here?

I suggest you get right back to an AA meeting. The hope I felt, when I dragged my sorry butt in there and surrendered my fight against the unbeatable foe, was palpable. People told me I never had to feel that way again, and I have not.

Life didn't instantly become rosy (and it never does--not completely), but little by little the dark cloud lifted and I started to get strong. I found I could handle what I never thought I could. I could hold my head up again.

Incidentally, I care very much about you. And there are lots of others who do, too. Some of them you haven't even met yet.

2granddaughters

Go back to AA and commit to it, don't just go to it. Give yourself to it.

Go to AA and ask one of the longtimer ladies if she would help you save your life. I know she will.

And I'd do it before the bottom falls out .....

All the best

Bob R

FetaCheese

Thanks LexieCat and 2granddaughters... It just doesnt feel like anybody cares about me. I am really alone. I get angry when I see couples walking around holding hands. I get uspet when I hear a friend is now pregnant. I fume with jealousy when a girl brags about her new engagement to her fiance. I can't even get a boyfriend. I am a physically attractive girl who is ruined on the inside with a lot of issues. Those issues drive me to drink which causes even more issues. When I go to AA I see people who are all friends, people with their bfs/gfs there. I even once had a guy make fun of me at AA back home, berrated me in front of people because I used to show up to the meetings drunk when I first started going (I was within walking distance, have never drove drunk). The best chip I earned was a 2 month chip then I would fall off the wagon, feel bad, then drink again. Anxiety is killing me. When I am not drinking I have anxiety wondering if I should drink or "be good" and "be sober" and "healthy". Maybe Im too screwed up to get better after many failed attempts? But I feel like a lot of this stems from being alone...

Delilah1

Hi Feta,

I can completely relate to the stress of work, that was usually my trigger to come home and pop a bottle of wine nightly. The problem was the stress was still there the next day, and drinking nightly was certainly not helping.

I finally decided to see a doctor and counselor in October. I can still remember how I felt the morning of October 12th, I logged on here because I was so anxious about finally taking that step.

I managed to appear like I was in complete control at work and home (or at least I like to think I did) however, inside I was an anxious mess. I was also worried about work finding out, however, one of the first things they had me do was sign paperwork about confidentiality.

I know it is scary, but I don't regret making that appointment. Let us know how you are doing.

LexieCat

I really get how you feel--trust me. The thing is, the alcohol messes with your brain. You aren't in any condition to judge what is wrong with you at the moment. Sober up, find a sponsor as Bob suggested, and get busy. By working the Steps you will find out what's what with you. You can become that person you want to be, and you will not feel alone anymore.

What have you got to lose? If things suck right now, doesn't it make sense to give it a chance?

FetaCheese

I am so lost right now I don't know how to deal with everything alone

2granddaughters

Feta, this stems from you being an alcoholic just like me !

You are not too screwed up to get better. Trust me... I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL !! I FELT THAT WAY TOO !! Sorry for shouting.

Walk into the local AA meeting and ask to be introduced to the oldtimer ladies. Pick the one that appeals the most and ask her to help you save your life. You will then be on the road to recovery.

What city are you near? I'm near Windsor, ON.

Let me know if I can help you.

All the best.

Bob R

2granddaughters

Look in the phone book and call the AA number. Talk to someone there.

2granddaughters

Feta, I care about you. I care very much because you sound like me when I came to recovery. I was pretty banged up emotionally, spiritually.. I thought I had lost the will to live.

It's after 11pm here and getting late but if I can help you I will. But you have to communicate with us.

FetaCheese

Thanks 2granddaughters I am scared to go to AA because of my bad experiences in the past with it, I felt judged because I just couldn't kick it... I was insulted right to my face about it by other members. I felt like a failure. I also don't want anybody to see me there and recognize me because I have a very public job dealing with people in the area. Maybe I would need to travel out of town for it but knowing how lazy I am after work and on weekends I wonder how much I could keep up. I couldnt even keep up with smokers help line and stopped following up after I quit using the nicorette inhaler for months, now I am back to smoking. This is a neverending circle?

2granddaughters

You are not judged, not by the majority of members who know what it's like. The oldtimer ladies will take you under their wing and love you until you can love yourself... if you let them.

There is nothing to fear.

What city are you near?

LexieCat

For what it's worth, we had lawyers, doctors, professors, school teachers, police officers, and others with sensitive jobs in my groups. I have never, in the 30-plus years I have been around AA (when my first husband got sober) ever heard of ANYONE having a negative consequence as a result of being at an AA meeting.

I'm sorry if you felt criticized by some people in the program. I can't say whether they meant to be critical or not. Some people try to break through someone's denial by being blunt with them. Some don't do it very gracefully.

But think about it this way. If you had cancer, and people at the hospital where you went for your chemo were rude to you, would you simply choose to die of cancer so you wouldn't be treated rudely? Or would you go ahead and take a chance someone might be rude, for the sake of saving your life?

FetaCheese

I am in southwest Ontario... I was at a young peoples meeting back home where I was insulted by a regular going person after a month or so of sobriety about how I showed up to my many first meetings drunk or buzzed, smellling of alcohol.. This person laughed at me about it and talked openly in front of others about it. I was so embarrassed I never showed up again. I befriended some younger people who had support from their parents but their parents worried about me hanging around these young people because I was so sick and still deep into alcoholism. One of their parents bought me an AA necklace at a conference but it sits in my closet not being worn, I don't feel I deserve to wear it. I avoided getting my drivers license for a long time because I never wanted to learn to drive while I was so into my alcoholism. My parents have never been supportive about my alcoholism the way these young people had with theirs, I was a bit envious of them in a way. Mine just like to pretend theres nothing wrong with me and that I am seeking attention. They would never support me like that. Now I have my license and would never drive drunk, so I know I would never show up to a meeting these days with a few drinks in me because I just will not touch my car after even one drink. I need my car to be able to drive to work and sometimes I drive an hour or so to work. I have a lot of anxiety about going to these meetings though, I am afraid of people and the past experiences with it have left me feeling embarrassed then theres the issue of being scared somebody from town would see me. At my work I see people from the public from all areas around the town I am in. I hate making excuses! But I don't know where I would feel comfortable going to one again.

2granddaughters

Feta, there are some great ladies here who can help you regain some focus.

I am going to go to bed. I always say my prayers and you will be in them tonight.

I look forward to talking to you tomorrow. You will be OK ! Talking tonight is a great start.

I will pray that you sleep well tonight and decide to follow up on your recovery in the morning.

All the best.

Bob R

2granddaughters

Are you near Windsor?

2granddaughters

Feta:

I'm off to sleep. PM me where you live and we'll continue on tomorrow if you wish.

All the best.

Bob R

Hope4Life

Feta, all of us here are pulling for you. Try going to a meeting tomorrow before you have a drink. Bob has some good advice there... many people are more than willing to lend a hand to help you but you will need to attend a meeting and talk with some folks.

Please give it a try and let us know how your doing, OK?

Once you stop drinking, the anxiety will begin to disappear and you will be able to relate to people on a personal basis. Dating while in recovery isn't a good idea and your recovery will go much easier if you concentrate on the most important thing.... YOU!

Sleep well tonight.

rennie1108

Feta, I agree with Hope4Life. While I don't know a lot about recovery, being new myself, I do know a lot about being alone. I used to get severe anxiety after I broke up with my last boyfriend, especially when I'd be driving home from work because I didn't want to be alone in my apartment.

I am still "technically" alone - meaning, I live by myself, I'm not dating anyone, etc, but that really doesn't mean you are alone. You have to ask for help. Take Bob's advice. But just a suggestion: Don't believe that someone will come sweep you off your feet and save you. YOU are responsible for saving yourself. You have to work on YOURSELF. I say that with love. You have to learn to be strong from within, not from outside forces.

Good luck and please keep reaching out.

Lorax1981

Feta-
It's not about where you've been. It's about where you're going. Sounds like you had a bad experience with a really rude person in AA but that's when you can try a different meeting. I know how it feels to be alone and down but it also sounds like you have some good things going for you too. Sending you some good vibes from southern Oregon. Keep your head up:-)