MrAverage

:sigh:

What a hell of a ride.

Several more attempts at quitting have been unsuccessful. After 363 days of not being on SR, I'm posting here today. I quit my old major, moved back home, and started at a new school, but nothing helped. I seem to have forgotten yet again that life circumstances do not an addiction break.. it's merely the simplest of decisions to either drink or not drink on a moment by moment basis.

For the past few months, I have been drinking 12-24 beers a day, usually ending up at around an average of 18 a day. Why 18? Well, if I only bought 12, I would most likely drive to get another six pack by the time I was almost out, and 24 was usually very unpleasant to deal with the following day.

Oh did I mention my new hobby? Yeah, it's driving while completely smashed. It also involves purchasing alcohol at around 10-11pm while police officers eyeball me in the checkout line at the gas stations near my apartment. I'm really "good" at these because in the dozens of times I could (and should) have been arrested, I somehow haven't been.

Oh I have another hobby too. It's deciding which (two) of the 6 gas stations I rotate between I should go to a particular evening so that the clerk doesn't view me as an alcoholic for seeing me buy beer several times a week.

I almost forgot about my extra fun hobby for the weekends.. it's called staying in bed for 30 hours straight so I sleep through the depression of another failed attempt.

Today I had another massive craving. I spent about an hour literally yelling at myself for the ridiculous rationality my addictive voice was attempting to sway my logical mind with. This is the third day in a row that I've had this argument.. the third day of an all out battle to simply not do a specific activity. In over 21 days sober, I feel like I'm still on day 1. I.. HATE.. this.. feeling.

The most ****** up part.. in order to make this feeling stop for good, I have to let this feeling continue for now.

I can do this.

I have to do this.

Coldfusion

Your hobbies sound just like mine!

Welcome back to the hobby forum!

soberlicious

Correct. The only way out is through.

It's exhausting...and that's why the battling is not sustainable and often ends in failure. Not engaging at all with the AV is more effective...and initially it's hard to do or even to understand how to do it. Have you ever read about AVRT? It teaches strategies for identifying the AV, seperating from it, and dismissing it. Might be worth a shot to read up on it if you haven't, as you seem to understand that this voice is not you, but rather the addiction. There are some threads on it in the secular section of SR.
Urge surfing is helpful too.
Yes, you absolutely can do this.

Coldfusion

Here's something you posted here a while ago:

"I won't sugarcoat the fact that if you aren't completely sure that you are ready to be done with alcohol -forever-, you will -not- recover. I'm sure most people here would agree."

10-18-2011, 08:00 AM

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3141174

CAPTAINZING2000

A mind can be a dangerous neighborhood if, it's filled with the wrong thoughts. Have you considered AA or any type of program?

LexieCat

Sounds a lot like my former hobbies. I rotated liquor stores, too. Tried not to drive when I shouldn't, but I often did.

Hang in, you know it gets better. What do you plan to do once you get through the easy part?

MrAverage

Aye, I'm a pro at recognizing my AV. It even has an embodiment in my dreams as a small spoiled child. It also very much represents my "I want it now mentality" that controls all my impulses.

The issue I have is "dismissing" the voice if I'm not prepared for it. It's about as easy as ignoring "are we there yet" repeatedly echoing from the rear of a crowded minivan, sometimes as if it were coming through a megaphone.

I'm not entirely sure where you were going with this. If you're implying that I haven't been following my own advice, you'd be absolutely correct. Does that make me a hypocrite? Of course it does, but nobody is perfect.

I tried AA, and I didn't care for it much. I don't agree with many of the core beliefs. AVRT is more in line with my current system and my religious views play the major role. That's all I will say as this is not the forum to debate the advantages or disadvantages of certain programs.

The easy part? You're funny.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'd curtail the drinking and driving if, you want to continue driving.

MrAverage

Thanks captain obvious!

I'll one up that statement with my own obvious remark.. drunk minds sometimes don't consider the breaking-the-law and putting-lives-at-risk aspects of DUI.

Delilah1

Welcome back.

LexieCat

When I say "the easy part," I mean that far more alcoholics manage to put the plug in the jug than manage to keep it there.

I do AA, myself, but since you are averse to that approach, how about participating in a SMART group or LifeRing or something like that? These forums help, too.

The reason I was asking about your plan was because something did not go right the first time around. Have you considered rehab? There are some that are less 12-Step focused.

MrAverage

Right, and I found the remark amusing because there is no "easy" part, only extremely difficult and even more difficult.

AA is the only "group" offered in my area.. not that it matters much. From what I've read, I'm equally as likely to kick this on my own as I am in any group.

I'll point out for a moment that very few people successfully quit on their first attempt. There's a steep learning curve for addiction recovery, and I'm still very much a novice in the quit game. I had briefly considered rehab, but that's still in the "last resort" category.

LexieCat

Keep an open mind, that's all I suggest. I hope you are able to stay sober this time, the alternative prospects aren't great, as you know.

When I quit drinking (and yes, I did happen to quit completely the first time around), I had a plan B. I decided to try AA and if I found I needed more help, my fallback was rehab.

The people I know who have stayed happily and successfully sober without AA still had to make a lot of internal changes in themselves. They did it in their own way, but they still did it.

Good luck, hope things go well for you.

Soberish

I dont really have anythinv to add but selcome back

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Mr. Average. It's a little unclear If you are asking for help as you seem to be shooting down all suggestions. There are a lot of great people here and I wish you the best your recovery if that's what you choose. I also hope you can be safe in the road, remember you share it with the rest of us. Be safe and strong.

MrAverage

Hi Scott. I really wasn't actively asking for help in my first post. I know from previous experience that I never have to do that on these forums because it's a naturally helpful environment. I usually just like to post random rants, mostly for my own venting, but also to convey empathy and relate to what others are feeling. In addition, I'm not intentionally "shooting down" suggestions. I merely point out my experiences and opinions in a very strait-forward manner. Sometimes my direct responses may come off as standoffish, but that's not my intention.

On a side note, thank you all for the welcome backs!

hamabi

Good that you're back and still trying very hard. Any stretches of time in which we aren't a danger to innocents is a hugely positive thing, imo.

As you know, after the feeling really lousy part is over it gets much easier as we go along in weeks until we feel so good we're sure we've got it licked this time. And the world's a safer place for it.

instant

It's good you are back average, welcome

soberlicious

I didn't say it was "easy", I said it can be learned. It does become easy to dismiss, but don't take my word for it.
Yes, I know the whole megaphone effect. I have an autistic son. His echolalia...in my face...for what seems like hours...can be quite daunting. I get it dude...more than you know.
You are quite capable of doing this. I hope you find some relief. I know how exhausting it is.

LindseyMarie

Welcome back and I hope you stay. I'm only on my 4th day (again), so I'm by no means a pro at this. What I am a pro at is giving in to my AV...she's a little b*tch if I do say so myself. Quite convincing as well. I hear you about the whole rotating places so no one is the wiser, and also, unfortunately driving when I've had at least a few in me. I'm also fond of the number "18" for the pretty much the same reasons you've listed. The only difference is, the reason I don't buy 24 is because then I usually only have a few in the fridge for the next day, and I'll have to go out and get more anyway, and by then, I will have had a few in me. Vicious circle.

Good luck and I hope you stay.