NotSoIvory

I would love to hear some advice and insights on how to stay sober while there is another (unadmitted) practicing alcohilic living in your house.
I come home from work to an environment where my brother (who is staying at my house) has been drinking for hours, and continues to drink all through the evening until everyone goes to bed. Some nights he'll even continue to drink after that. He leaves his wine sitting out and it's one of the first things I see every day upon getting out of bed and coming home.
I have 2 days, and struggling very greatly. I am nowhere near being able to turn off this inner argument within myself. I am so close to having a drink (or 10). I'm trying to quit smoking simultaneously. Every hour, he and my mom (who is also staying with me) are in and out for a smoke... It is so insessant!!! I really don't want to just kick them out with nowhere to go. Neither one of them have a job. My brother is on disability for his depression since the death of his son a few years back. My mom is sliding by on financial aid for attending community college part time. I am the only one who works. They just sit around all day playing games. My brother doesn't even usually do his chores. I am not sure how I will ever manage to keep my sobriety in this environment.

hope22

Thats a tough situation to be in notsoivory. But if its your house, can you explain to them that you are trying to quit and for the time being no alcohol is allowed in your house?. JMHO but they can go somewhere else to drink. You need to set some boundries with them for your own well being. Hang in there.

tomndallas

Is there a friend you can stay with a couple days? Have you explained your situation to them and asked them for a little consideration? Not that they have to stop, but just tone it down? I cannot imagine how tough this must be, you are so brave for already sticking it out 2 days without relapse.

Have you been to a meeting? Some of the seasoned veterans may have better ideas.

Good luck to you! You have thousands of friends here waiting to support you every hour, minute and second of everyday, that is something ain't it?

LexieCat

Wow, you do have some challenges. I think I would be hitting an AA meeting every day under those conditions. It would at least get you out of that environment for a while and around other people doing the same thing you are.

I'm not sure I would have chosen to quit smoking at the same time, but that's just me. I know some people who have kicked it all at once and were happy they did. OTOH, I still smoke even though I've been sober four and a half years.

Remember, even though it's annoying to be around those behaviors, nobody else can make you drink. It might also help to collect some phone numbers at meetings so you have people to call when it feels like it's getting to be too much.

Coldfusion

Hi, Not So

I don't remember your other posts, but there is a section of this forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

I know a guy who goes to AA for himself and Al Anon for his family.

LexieCat

Hope, there, has an excellent suggestion, too. Even if you don't feel you can ask them to leave, it is your home and you have the right to insist that they not smoke or drink in it.

Even if your brother does his drinking out on the porch, at least you wouldn't have to look at the glass and smell it.

Might be worth a try.

NotSoIvory

Unfortunately my friends are pretty few these days and pretty much consist of drinking buddies. I've thought about asking my husband if I can have the car for a little while so I can try coming home to him. The commute would be far, but that's not my biggest concern there. I'm mostly worried I won't be able focus both on my recovery and the relationship at the same time. We've had a very topsy turvy past and have come a long way in the last year. Don't think it would be best.

I just told him that after he finishes his giant jug of wine, that I'd have to ask him to not replenish it while here, because I can't be around it... We'll see how that goes.

I thought about going tonight, but it is a study meeting and I didn't want to go in and read in front of everyone. I'm feeling a bit reclusive. That's what they do on the Tues/Weds meetings here. I really should go. I would like to finally get a sponsor this time. I am so shy in meetings. I'm afraid to speak up.

Thank you for your support nd well wishes.

Delilah1

Sounds like you had a good conversation with your brother, stick around here if you are feeling tempted.
sending hugs

NotSoIvory

Yeah that does kind of seem to amplify the difficulty. My smoking habits are kind of unlike many smokers though. It turned into a pattern that I never really craved them when I wasn't drinking. If I drink, I will go through a pack or more in one sitting. Oh the pain and misery of my lungs.

I broke down and had a cigarette tonight. Not too happy about it, flared up the pain in my lungs again, but 1 smoke is better than a 12 pack and a pack of cigarettes.

Thanks for that.

NotSoIvory

Went for a 3 mile walk. 1 hour down... Then I got home and found out there was still Jager in my freezer. I poured it out, but trembled from the temptation of even holding the bottle.

Coldfusion

Thanks for doing that and keeping us posted!

2granddaughters

NotSoIvory:

Is it your house that these folks are living in? Who sets the rules?

I think you may have a real problem setting boundaries. You are not responsible for EVERYBODY.

Get yourself in order then clean house.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

LexieCat

But you DID pour it out--it was tough, but you did it! Good for you!

Incidentally, even at study meetings it's OK to "pass". All you'd have to say is, "I'd rather just listen tonight." I'd go anyway. It will be good for you to be around people who know how you feel. Get a couple of phone numbers.

Hope4Life

Pouring that bottle down the drain was a big VICTORY! I would suggest that you talk with them first thing in the am when your brother hasnt been drinking and let them know how you feel.

I was going to suggest heading out for a walk but you already did. go ahead and go to the meeting.... they wont pressure you into talking if you dont want to and being around like minded folks could be just what you need.

Hoping your night goes well.

NotSoIvory

That's going to take a little more thought from me. I've never seen myself as someone with problems setting boundaries. I'm always the one having to be the grown up around here it seems, setting rules, trying to maintain a cohesive unit between the three of us... that sometimes it DOES feel like I'm responsible for everybody.

I've been reading a little bit on this sight about control vs letting go. A concept I've been pondering a little. Always thought that taking control of a situation and making things happen was the way to accomplish things... I don't know. Everything seems really gray to me these days.

Coldfusion

My wife and I read from this book every day now that we are sober. She typed this for me to share here today:

Being Present

While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska

Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.

When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.

** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **

Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.

Lorax1981

NotSo-
The key is you can do it. Alcohol, ciggs, etc. are all around us but you can do it. Family members and friends will continue to drink and smoke but you can do it. You can quit. Think of something you want to buy, and think of how much you spend on drink and smokes and when you get the urge say "I'd rather have the x amount of dollars in my pocket thank you." Now if you're really rich this doesn't work as well but it helps me when I get thirsty:-)

NotSoIvory

I am not rich, but this was never a convincing thought for me before. I never cared how much I spent. I must say though, now that I've saved $100 in 5 days, that feels pretty good!:

Lorax1981

Good job. Keep up the great work. Better health and a fatter wallet!

Ohio1

You sound like you are doing a lot of good positive things notsoivory- great job on that. I am currently surrounded by drunk people right now (and a good 5-6 nights per week) in a similar situation. I only have around a month sober but in that last month I can tell you I have gone from wanting to be where they are to being sort of appalled by it. It is kind of sad after awhile to watch people drowning in booze and it has begun to remind me of what I don't want to be doing. I wish I had something awesome to say lol, but basically it just gets easier.

As for reading at AA meetings I feel like about 80 percent of the time someone looks at me and goes "oh hey you look like you want to read" then hands me the sheets to read I politely decline it is never a problem. Its ironic because I love to read but I speed read normally and I literally cannot read out loud my brain won't let me.