rennie1108

Hello everyone,

I've been on this site a few times before, just to get a feel of what some other people were going through. Are there people out there like me? I was amazed to find that they seem to exist.

If I told my friends or family I thought I was an alcoholic - at 33 years old - they would laugh in my face. I've got my stuff together - I have a great job that I love, I run a ton, play sports...just am overall really active. So obviously, I'm not a fall-down, drunk-in-the-morning type of person, right? I don't think that really matters. I think what matters is that when I DO drink, I never know what's going to happen. Sometimes I control the amount I drink and what I do, and other times, I don't. It's a crapshoot.

In college there was a lot of binge-drinking. But that's normal, right? Things quieted down once I got married, but then divorce came and the single life has turned me into a party girl yet again. Only now it's worse. Sometimes when I meet a friend for a drink, it'll turn into 2 or 3 or 4, and when I go home I'll have a few more by myself. That's been happening a lot, as well as getting blitzed during the week and hungover the next day at work. That's not normal.

Nothing extremely major happened to give me the revelation that I just can't drink - it's been more of a progression of 15 years of binge drinking, making bad decisions, and suffering physical and mental consequences as a result.

My ex used to say, "You don't have a problem drinking, you just need to give yourself a number and make sure you stop then." That's probably easy for someone who doesn't have a problem. It's not easy for me. The only way I know I can control my drinking is to not drink.

I'm not comfortable telling my family and friends yet (I only decided this a week ago), and I don't know if I want to go to AA. But I need to talk to someone about this.

If you read this entire novel, THANK YOU. It means a lot to me. I'd love to get some feedback.

Dee74

Hi Rennie - welcome

at 33 people would have laughed at me too - I was very good at keeping the balls in the air - but by 35 I'd lost that talent and *everyone* knew...it really was that quick.

I really relate to the not knowing what might happen...if you're like me, the stage of having mortifying things happen to you, and not caring, is just ahead...

so I think your decision to quit is both wise and timely

There's a ton of support here, and a lot of different approaches in play.

read around, post - see what you think

D

Coldfusion

What questions do you have about AA?

JamesAdams

Your drinking pattern sounds a lot like mine, except I wasn't smart enough at 33 to recognise I had a problem, I drank heavily for another decade before I got to that point.

I have not taken on a label such as alcoholic/problem drinker/heavy drinker/ or whatever else for myself (yet), and I'm not going to AA (but I believe it has helped many many people).

I have decided to take an extended break from alcohol and see where that takes me. Today is my 16th day in a row without drinking. I feel great, have been sleeping well lately and I can't remember a time in the last 20 years I went this long without a drink, so I'm taking it one day at a time, as they say.

rennie1108

Coldfusion, I'm not quite sure what questions I have about AA, but I've been to a few Al-Anon meetings (my dad is a recovering alcoholic), and I just felt awkward and weird. I'm not very religious, and the meetings were at a church, and - while I'm not judging others' experiences - some of the things people were saying just didn't make sense to me.

But I think basically I'm just scared. Because in going I feel that I will officially be telling the world I'm an alcoholic.

JungleGirl

Hi Rennie
I can relate to your story in that I functioned like everyone else and most people would not have thought I had a massive drinking problem but like you I could not stop at one, two or three, occasionally it was possible but 95% of the time is wasn't. I came to the realisation that having nothing was the only way I was going to be able to control my behaviour and that's what I have done. It's worth it, I just tell people now I just don't like what alcohol does to me, I haven't came across someone that can argue with that!
Good luck

rennie1108

And JamesAdams, I'm happy and excited for you. Congrats on your 16 days. While I've been feeling great for the past week and sleeping fairly well, the hour or two right before I go to bed I feel sooo jittery and can't seem to get rid of the feeling. It's not "the shakes" but my legs keep having this jolt every once in a while, like I can't sit still. It's really strange.

BabyJane

Great post. Welcome to SR. This is a good place to start - your story sounds a lot like mine but then I got my first DUI, lost the man, house, job, etc. and kept going until I hit a low bottom. I didn't think I was an alcoholic at first because sometimes I could kind of control my drinking in the beginning... It got to be less and less; toward the end it was not at all. This is a progressive thing. Wherever you are now, if you stop, it doesn't have to get worse. However, if you keep going I can almost guarantee it will. AA has helped me but its not for everyone, I admit that I hated it in the beginning. I missed being a party girl. I chased it for a long time until I was alone everyday drinking and doing hard core narcotics. The party stopped without me even noticing.

I hope you can stay sober you sound like someone who has a lot to loose. Keep reading and posting here and you'll be surprised how much easier it is to quit when you have a support group.

JamesAdams

Thank you, and congrats on your week? I wasn't sure from your post what day you were up to.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling jittery at night. I went through that for sometime like 10 or 12 days after I quit. I was only ever an evening drinker, so it seems after I quit the evenings were when I got my most cravings and jitters.

But now, I'm sleeping like a baby. Going to sleep early, waking up early feeling refreshed and recharged. I do have the memory of a goldfish at the moment though, but from what I have read that will pass!

PeacefulRain

I'm not the face of an alcoholic. I'm a stay at home, minivan driving mom living in the burbs. I quit my $70k a year job to stay home with my kids. I've never been fired, never had a DUI, never had anyone other then my husband tell me I have a problem. I do have a problem, I AM an alcoholic! I guess I'm just luckier then others to figure it out before I did loose everything.

There is a lot of support here! Welcome aboard!!!

least

Rennie from a fellow Buckeye! :ghug3

instant

yeh . I'm older. I used to have an off switch that sort of worked if you tweaked it right. It got damaged along the way and was off the mark most of the time. By that stage the drinking was heavier, and more regular.

It's great you made the decision to stop when younger- the problem only gets worse with time

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, Rennie! It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, it's how you feel on the inside. I knew at 33 that I drank too much but I wasn't ready to be an alcoholic, if that makes sense. At 43 it was smacking me in the face. I quit and things are so much better!

I think you'll like SR! It's a great resource if you want to change your life.