My introduction - Time to stay sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
My introduction - Time to stay sober
Hello everyone. I am unsure as to whether introductions are allowed on this forum, maybe I chose the wrong area so I imagine someone can move it if I have. This may be quite long as I feel a need to get this all out as no one knows I have this problem and I don't want them to know either.
When I first started drinking it was just with friends, I didn't drink a lot actually. I know saying "I enjoy the taste" is often looked at as if it's some form of denial but the truth is I really do love the taste of wine and beer, I was never into the spirits. At first I would only drink maybe 2 bottles of beer, then as I grew older I would drink more. I really loved the taste of red wine and got into it in a heavy way.
Of course dependence snuck up on me. Originally it was about the taste but then I started using it to relax, any stress would trigger me to crack open a new bottle. At first it was 1 bottle of wine, then it was 1 bottle every night, then 2 bottles. I realised I had a problem when I rolled out of bed one morning and there was a drop of wine left in a bottle on the desk. I drank it, only about a small glass full but that's not the point. I needed to drink it and afterwards I felt ashamed of myself.
I put it out of my mind that day and got myself a couple of bottles for the night, somehow I forgot what had happened that morning. My drinking has continued and I'm now 28. I am not sure how I got away with it without anyone noticing. I suppose I only drink in the evenings, after that one morning incident I no longer drink in the mornings, athough weekends are an exception, I think that's how I've been so good at preventing anyone finding out.
Anyway I live with my parents and I have asked them what they think and they said they never really noticed any drinking problems. Maybe some denial there or maybe I just did hide it well. I haven't told anyone else and I'm hoping the anonymity of an internet forum can help keep me sober. Actually my parents don't know I have the problem, I asked them in a passing way if they thought I drank too much rather than an all out confession. I was surprised they said no.
First attempts
My first try at going sober was last year, around March, I made it 3 days before withdrawal scared me back to the bottle. I carried on drinking for about 2 months then quit again. This time I made it a week before lapsing. I was getting pretty sad at that stage, the drinking was shameful in itself but failing to quit really brought home how much of a problem it is and that made me feel worse. Drinking is definitely the source rather than a symptom of my problems.
The next time I tried to quit was the start of November and despite the horrible withdrawal (no sleep, anxiety/panic attacks, racing heart, night sweats) I managed to ride it out. I was sober for a whole 2 months and I noticed a very clear improvement in both my physical health and general wellbeing. Mentally I felt clearer, sharper, I wasn't even feeling low as I often would in the mornings after drinking. The only mental symptom was a touch of anxiety which would ebb and flow, likely my brain was getting it's chemistry into balance afer years of alcohol abuse.
During this time I went to 2 birthdays parties, a wedding and christmas, all without drinking! As no one knew I am an alcoholic they offered me drinks and I kept turning them down. It was hard but I was so proud of myself.
Then new year came.
At new year I had that thought which I think many of you can relate to. "It's only one, and hey it's new year". So I downed one, followed by 2 more and well you get the picture. I've been drinking since then every day and I know I need to stop.
So it seems each time I quit I last a little longer, but until now I've been going it alone. This may be an online forum, anonymous, but you all know what it's like and I think it would be good to talk to some of you during those tempting moments. I'm not religious so the 12 steps won't be applicable for me.
Getting this out really has helped already. I had my last drink 3 hours ago. Only half a bottle of wine tonight, the other half got dumped down the toilet. I reached to fill up my glass and just realised it has to stop. It felt quite good tipping it away although there was some fear there. I think it's fear of the withdrawal, actually when I think about it that triggers another little wave. It was horrible last time, especially the anxiety. I just keep reminding myself that if it comes it comes and it will pass. I never suffered delireum tremens or whatever it's called.
I look forward to hearing from you guys, and reading your stories has already been a great help.
When I first started drinking it was just with friends, I didn't drink a lot actually. I know saying "I enjoy the taste" is often looked at as if it's some form of denial but the truth is I really do love the taste of wine and beer, I was never into the spirits. At first I would only drink maybe 2 bottles of beer, then as I grew older I would drink more. I really loved the taste of red wine and got into it in a heavy way.
Of course dependence snuck up on me. Originally it was about the taste but then I started using it to relax, any stress would trigger me to crack open a new bottle. At first it was 1 bottle of wine, then it was 1 bottle every night, then 2 bottles. I realised I had a problem when I rolled out of bed one morning and there was a drop of wine left in a bottle on the desk. I drank it, only about a small glass full but that's not the point. I needed to drink it and afterwards I felt ashamed of myself.
I put it out of my mind that day and got myself a couple of bottles for the night, somehow I forgot what had happened that morning. My drinking has continued and I'm now 28. I am not sure how I got away with it without anyone noticing. I suppose I only drink in the evenings, after that one morning incident I no longer drink in the mornings, athough weekends are an exception, I think that's how I've been so good at preventing anyone finding out.
Anyway I live with my parents and I have asked them what they think and they said they never really noticed any drinking problems. Maybe some denial there or maybe I just did hide it well. I haven't told anyone else and I'm hoping the anonymity of an internet forum can help keep me sober. Actually my parents don't know I have the problem, I asked them in a passing way if they thought I drank too much rather than an all out confession. I was surprised they said no.
First attempts
My first try at going sober was last year, around March, I made it 3 days before withdrawal scared me back to the bottle. I carried on drinking for about 2 months then quit again. This time I made it a week before lapsing. I was getting pretty sad at that stage, the drinking was shameful in itself but failing to quit really brought home how much of a problem it is and that made me feel worse. Drinking is definitely the source rather than a symptom of my problems.
The next time I tried to quit was the start of November and despite the horrible withdrawal (no sleep, anxiety/panic attacks, racing heart, night sweats) I managed to ride it out. I was sober for a whole 2 months and I noticed a very clear improvement in both my physical health and general wellbeing. Mentally I felt clearer, sharper, I wasn't even feeling low as I often would in the mornings after drinking. The only mental symptom was a touch of anxiety which would ebb and flow, likely my brain was getting it's chemistry into balance afer years of alcohol abuse.
During this time I went to 2 birthdays parties, a wedding and christmas, all without drinking! As no one knew I am an alcoholic they offered me drinks and I kept turning them down. It was hard but I was so proud of myself.
Then new year came.
At new year I had that thought which I think many of you can relate to. "It's only one, and hey it's new year". So I downed one, followed by 2 more and well you get the picture. I've been drinking since then every day and I know I need to stop.
So it seems each time I quit I last a little longer, but until now I've been going it alone. This may be an online forum, anonymous, but you all know what it's like and I think it would be good to talk to some of you during those tempting moments. I'm not religious so the 12 steps won't be applicable for me.
Getting this out really has helped already. I had my last drink 3 hours ago. Only half a bottle of wine tonight, the other half got dumped down the toilet. I reached to fill up my glass and just realised it has to stop. It felt quite good tipping it away although there was some fear there. I think it's fear of the withdrawal, actually when I think about it that triggers another little wave. It was horrible last time, especially the anxiety. I just keep reminding myself that if it comes it comes and it will pass. I never suffered delireum tremens or whatever it's called.
I look forward to hearing from you guys, and reading your stories has already been a great help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Utah
Posts: 105
It's never a bad time to stop, so hang in there. Of course not without a doctor's help if the withdrawals are bad.
The thing I like about SR is that it's always there. No time spent trying to find an AA group that's meeting soon with non-smokers or one that might be (in my case) more gay friendly than another. Plus, there's a lot of people here who really know what they're talking about.
I've only been 2 1/2 days and feel better already.
The thing I like about SR is that it's always there. No time spent trying to find an AA group that's meeting soon with non-smokers or one that might be (in my case) more gay friendly than another. Plus, there's a lot of people here who really know what they're talking about.
I've only been 2 1/2 days and feel better already.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 150
Hi there - one important thing I need to stop you on. You do not have to be religious to follow a 12-step program. I'm 30, female, and drank like you except I drank vodka and did drink in the mornings, yet excelled at everything I did.
Listen, I tried to stop for years...a week here, 2 days there, maybe a month here...but it always came back and always got progressively worse. It's a progressive disease that gets much worse with time.
It's amazing to me when we feel the clearness and we still go back to the bottle, expecting different results. WE are INSANE!
I'm 86 days sober and have never, ever felt better. I never believed in help, or AA, or anything and because of that, my drinking life looked like yours for years. Now, I don't think about it much and it's only 86 days in. But, I have immersed myself into AA (which I totally didn't want to do at first because I wasn't religious either and always thought I could do it "my way" because I was "different" than the others). HAHA, that's our stupid ass disease talking.
The facts are: AA has worked to keep millions of people sober all over the world. That's enough for me because I was soooo sick of being so sick and tired. So, I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor. I didn't drink the kool-aid at first, but I kept an OPEN MIND and I'm happier and more confident than I have ever been.
Give it some thought. It works.
Listen, I tried to stop for years...a week here, 2 days there, maybe a month here...but it always came back and always got progressively worse. It's a progressive disease that gets much worse with time.
It's amazing to me when we feel the clearness and we still go back to the bottle, expecting different results. WE are INSANE!
I'm 86 days sober and have never, ever felt better. I never believed in help, or AA, or anything and because of that, my drinking life looked like yours for years. Now, I don't think about it much and it's only 86 days in. But, I have immersed myself into AA (which I totally didn't want to do at first because I wasn't religious either and always thought I could do it "my way" because I was "different" than the others). HAHA, that's our stupid ass disease talking.
The facts are: AA has worked to keep millions of people sober all over the world. That's enough for me because I was soooo sick of being so sick and tired. So, I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor. I didn't drink the kool-aid at first, but I kept an OPEN MIND and I'm happier and more confident than I have ever been.
Give it some thought. It works.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome to the family, Davey. You've made a wise decision, and we're happy to have you with us. You'll find loads of support, encouragement and hope here.
I found myself totally dependent on it, too. What had started out as a fun and relaxing pastime ended up ruling my life. This won't happen to you. You can do it, Davey. We're here to help - you're not alone.
I found myself totally dependent on it, too. What had started out as a fun and relaxing pastime ended up ruling my life. This won't happen to you. You can do it, Davey. We're here to help - you're not alone.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome DaveyT -
I found I couldn't stay sober on my own, either. It's miserable trying to control our drinking and hiding it from everyone..... I felt a real sense of relief when I came here and found that my story was just like everyone else's. Support is the key (and there's lots of it around here)!
Glad you've joined us - be careful with withdrawals (don't hesitate to see a doctor if you're worried).
I found I couldn't stay sober on my own, either. It's miserable trying to control our drinking and hiding it from everyone..... I felt a real sense of relief when I came here and found that my story was just like everyone else's. Support is the key (and there's lots of it around here)!
Glad you've joined us - be careful with withdrawals (don't hesitate to see a doctor if you're worried).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
Thanks to everyone, I will of course see a doctor if I think the withdrawal is heading into full on DT's. The manic sort of feeling I get on day 1 has passed and the anxiety is kicking in badly. I just keep telling myself it will pass like it has before, but anyone who has had severe anxiety knows how awful it feels 
Regarding AA, yeah I have seen lots of talk about how you don't have to be religious. But you still have to accept a "higher power", even if it's just music or exercise. Well sorry but no. I will kick this problem myself, with some support by the great people on this forum. This will be an achievment based upon my own actions, to give it over to a higher power, to give someone or something else the credit is offensive to me.
If AA works for you then that's great, congratulations and I hope you continue to stay sober. But it's not for me.
Regarding AA, yeah I have seen lots of talk about how you don't have to be religious. But you still have to accept a "higher power", even if it's just music or exercise. Well sorry but no. I will kick this problem myself, with some support by the great people on this forum. This will be an achievment based upon my own actions, to give it over to a higher power, to give someone or something else the credit is offensive to me.
If AA works for you then that's great, congratulations and I hope you continue to stay sober. But it's not for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Received 
Davey,
Have you looked into RR/AVRT? There is a lot of information on it in the Secular forum. It's not a program.
Have you looked into RR/AVRT? There is a lot of information on it in the Secular forum. It's not a program.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
......Ive relapsed and been sober and relapsed so many times, but in the end I am finding the key is having a solid plan, lifestyle change and great support system. Look after yourself and your body...it went through a rough time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Windancer
......Ive relapsed and been sober and relapsed so many times, but in the end I am finding the key is having a solid plan, lifestyle change and great support system. Look after yourself and your body...it went through a rough time!
The rest of my life is actually pretty healthy, I eat well for example. I can't exercise at all due to an unrelated physical condition but I do everything else I can to remain healthy. The alcohol is an abberation in this regard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Hi DaveyT! Welcome to SR. This place has been such a huge help to me. It opened my eyes to a lot of things I was in total denial about and without it I don't think I'd have realised that the only option for me was a lifetime of abstinence. I used to suffer from horrible bouts of anxiety like you and was very depressed and lonely. Since I've been sober my life and my mind has changed so much... I am a different person - someone I never thought I could ever be. It's fantastic. I hope you stick around, there's so much to be learnt here.
Oh, and I haven't ever been to an AA meeting. I did it by myself, with the help of this forum and the use of AVRT... which I assume you have read about since you've been reading in the secular connections forum.
Keep us posted & all the best to you.
Oh, and I haven't ever been to an AA meeting. I did it by myself, with the help of this forum and the use of AVRT... which I assume you have read about since you've been reading in the secular connections forum.
Keep us posted & all the best to you.
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